Is bringing food to a bbq rude?

[mamal29]

Just reading another thread and I wondered if bringing something to a bbq - as a gift - is rude?

I always bring a salad and have brought a pie on a couple of occasions (light filo pie) to pop in the oven when it's been a big garden party (only when it's family would I bring a hot dish) to help out.

Reading another thread I get the impression this is really rude?

How long ago was this? Sounds like it was ages ago. Why are you even still thinking about it?

Op, I think what you did perfectly normal and her not cooking it was a bit weird. Once she said she wasn't cooking it, I'd have offered to cook it and then if she refused that, then I'd have been annoyed!

@Horehound

Op, I think what you did perfectly normal and her not cooking it was a bit weird. Once she said she wasn't cooking it, I'd have offered to cook it and then if she refused that, then I'd have been annoyed!

Why would you make a host cook food you decided to bring and give them to cook? That's just ofd. If you want your food and cook it, you host😳

Ok, fine with salad or something what doesn't require extra work, but actually giving a host extra work? Nah

It probably depends on the norms in your family or social groups.
BBQs in my friendship/family groups are very informal and everyone brings something, usually nibbles, pasta salad, potato salad, soft drinks, some alcoholic drinks with some people bringing some nice extras for the BBQ.

Or using their equipment they might need or want to keep clean etc. Nah

@Horehound

Op, I think what you did perfectly normal and her not cooking it was a bit weird. Once she said she wasn't cooking it, I'd have offered to cook it and then if she refused that, then I'd have been annoyed!

Wow, now that would be rude. Using their oven and their electricity?

If I was hosting I'd be pissed off at having to cook something that I didn't know in advance, would stress me out tbh!
Your intentions are lovely OP but as others have said, communication in advance is key here.
Personally I love being brought wine or chocs but flowers would also stress me as they then need sorting.
But I do accept that I'm a bit controlling and get flappy easily!

Well I must be terrible then. 😂 I always bring food to MILs, but usually at my husband’s insistence!

She eats barely anything herself because she’s a really tiny person so isn’t really able to judge and FIL takes no involvement in cooking at all. She invited us for a bbq lunch once and there was one burger each and some crudités and dip. We ended up having to stop on the way home to get something to eat!

My in laws live about an hour and a half from us too so I sometimes bring something part cooked that needs to go in the oven but I’d put it in the oven myself. It’s definitely not financial constraints, in case anyone wondered. They are very well off, just a different judgment on what’s ‘enough’. When it’s family I think it’s fine to bring food and help cook.

@SchrodingersImmigrant I think the word cook is a but if a stretch. It turn on oven and bung it in. And I think if someone went to the effort of making something for your party, then it's rude not to just serve it.

@daisypond omg this is something you'd say only on Mumsnet. Most people are normal and can handle switching on their oven. Jesus.

In my world it's completely and utterly normal (and in fact expected, in the case of family events) to bring food contributions to a BBQ. Not sure I would bring a whole pie that needs cooking in the oven, but I certainly wouldn't be offended if someone brought one to my BBQ.

[quote Horehound]@SchrodingersImmigrant I think the word cook is a but if a stretch. It turn on oven and bung it in. And I think if someone went to the effort of making something for your party, then it's rude not to just serve it.

@daisypond omg this is something you'd say only on Mumsnet. Most people are normal and can handle switching on their oven. Jesus.[/quote]
It's not rude not to serve something someone just randomly brought.

I don't know how you people but I do actually spend time planning for food and extras and if everyone randomly brings stuff that needs cooking (yes, putting it in the oven and checking when it's done is cooking kind of) I would be fucked.
Imagine food for 10 with lot of extras to be eaten next day and then you get extra 6 meals randomly. That's just too much.

I'd have taken the pie home again. Bollocks to MIL and her cronies enjoying it the following day.
PS if you live anywhere near Bridlington you can bring a pie round any time and I will graciously accept it

@MumUndone

In my world it's completely and utterly normal (and in fact expected, in the case of family events) to bring food contributions to a BBQ. Not sure I would bring a whole pie that needs cooking in the oven, but I certainly wouldn't be offended if someone brought one to my BBQ.

Exactly. I do agree a pie is a weird choice but I still wouldn't be offended. I'd think "a pie, weird but looks nice. Ok let's get the oven on!"

[quote Horehound]@SchrodingersImmigrant I think the word cook is a but if a stretch. It turn on oven and bung it in. And I think if someone went to the effort of making something for your party, then it's rude not to just serve it.

@daisypond omg this is something you'd say only on Mumsnet. Most people are normal and can handle switching on their oven. Jesus.[/quote]
No, it isn’t. It’s weird and extremely rude to expect someone to turn on their oven for you. Perhaps you’ve never had to count the cost of electricity.

Slightly tangentially, the fact that your husband saw no need to spend 2 hours making a pie for an event his side of the family was hosting, suggests this was a bit of wife work you were choosing to take on.
Back on track, yes I do think it was rude. Not mega rude at all and not worth worrying about, what sounds like years later, but if you ask and are told no, just believe they mean that. Especially with family. And especially if the thing you brought generated work/ faff with the oven.

@SchrodingersImmigrant she made it, didn't buy it.

@daisypond. Correct and if someone is hosting a party/BBQ I'd imagine they aren't either since buying food and drink to provide for said party is not cheap. You're really clutching at straws here.
This is the thing with MN though, you're talking to people from all walks of life so unless you have the same type of friends/family outlook, the while thing is meaningless.

It's a bit of a non issue imo anyway.

@SchrodingersImmigrant she made it, didn't buy it.

That has literally no bearing on what I said

@SchrodingersImmigrant oh I thought you meant because if it's bought it's like no effort and doesn't matter if it's not served. Homemade has lots of thought and effort I feel.

Maybe you have food issues or something. Saying leftovers for X amount of people is "too much" too much for what? Put it in a pie, use it on day 3 dun dun dun.

Some folk just love to make issues out of nothing.

No. It doesn't matter whether it's homemade or bought tbh. What matters is the lack of consideration, so maybe it wasn't that much thought going in after all, for the host at that point not only is there unplanned food but also needs extra work.

It would be totally different and would be absolutely welcomed if it was pre agreed kind of thing.

No. I don't have food issues. I don't do food waste just because someone can't understand simple instructions. As I said above, I always make wxtra for doggy bags and next day. So if everyone brings unplanned contributions, it will simply be too much food. Not that hard to understand and not that hard to imagine that someone doesn't want to eat leftovers for 3 days, some of which probably wouldn't even last 3 days.

It’s not being rude to bring food to a bbq if you are going to share it with everyone. I may ask before hand about the pie, abs mention I will bring a salad,

But the post, if it’s the same one, was about people bringing their own food to it themselves, ie not share

Clearly very rude, in this specific case.

You asked. She said nothing. This means being nothing but wine. Obviously.

I think you felt like you needed to bring something and got it wrong, in my family it would be no biggie just a thank you so much op that’s lovely of you and pop in kitchen/fridge. It wouldn’t bother me at all, it was from a place of kindness and it’s polite to bring something to a persons house. Just perhaps take wine or chocolates next time. Feel bad that you were made to feel bad. Hardly crime of the bloody century is it. Sounds a terrible bbq, nothing hot?...

I think you were fine OP and it was a nice gesture. I get that Mil may have been sniffy if she’d already made food and yours didn’t ‘fit’ but totally ridiculous for her to be so rude about it then eat it with her friends.
Mumsnet is such a strange place with norms and etiquettes that don’t seem to be heard of anywhere else

I think if it's family you'd think they wouldn't mind BUT if it means them putting the oven on or something it might just be an inconvenience when they are busy cooking stuff on the bbq and they might not want you and other guests in the house (whether due to covid or other reasons)

I think best to just take something that doesn't need to be cooked

Some of these replies have actually had me in stitches- the plastic tub or tuna pasta ruining the Central European theme, switching on the oven being a massive burden and comparing someone’s pie with a catered even for 80. Mumsnet can be hilarious