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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is bringing food to a bbq rude?

282 replies

mamal29 · 24/04/2021 09:39

Just reading another thread and I wondered if bringing something to a bbq - as a gift - is rude?

I always bring a salad and have brought a pie on a couple of occasions (light filo pie) to pop in the oven when it's been a big garden party (only when it's family would I bring a hot dish) to help out.

Reading another thread I get the impression this is really rude?

OP posts:

sunnyblackwidow · 24/04/2021 22:17

If you're going to bring a salad or dessert make sure your host is expecting you to do so.

I was his timing once and put a lot of effort into a very special dessert that I was dying to make for guests (a lot of time & quite expensive ingredients) but one of my guests arrived with several marks and Spencer's desserts, with cream & custard.

I felt obliged to serve their desserts, and left my homemade masterpiece in the fridge - I was so disappointed. Especially when I'd told her to please not bring anything except perhaps some drinks.

Perhaps some nice chocolates, wine and maybe a bunch of flowers are a better gift for the host (rather than forcing a last minute menu change)

sunnyblackwidow · 24/04/2021 22:21

*was hosting once

SchrodingersImmigrant · 24/04/2021 22:24

If you're going to bring a salad or dessert make sure your host is expecting you to do so.

Exactly this. If people know, they can make less or something else and work together.

Nohomemadecandles · 24/04/2021 22:39

I wouldn't lose sleep over it but I would be grumbling at you under my breath. I would have prepped and planned and would have probably have timings etc sorted. So your bloody pie would be an inconvenience. But I'm a good host so I wouldn't let you know that. Even if I was seething that my hosting is about my food, not yours! If you want to show off your fancy pie, host your own thing!
If you want to bring me something, bring wine or flowers or a candle or something. I am able to feed my own crowd, thank you.

cakewench · 24/04/2021 23:04

I’m in the camp where it’s rude to turn up empty handed. I always ask if something in particular is ‘needed’ and if they say don’t worry about it, at the very least I bring wine and crisps. Usually baked goods as well if I’ve made something.

Always ask, though, because I host often and I always appreciate being asked so I can have the chance to say ‘oh yes I forgot to get rolls’ or whatever.

However. I know I’m piling on but I just want to repeat: nothing that needs cooking or preparing away from the actual BBQ. I wouldn’t have been happy about a pie I had to cook inside, either. By the time people are there and in the garden, I don’t want to have to do anything else. I’ve been preparing food and cleaning all morning, I’d like to enjoy myself, I don’t want to be handed another thing to do.

This goes the same for people who bring entire sides of meat/fish that needs trimming/ cleaning/ preparing for the bbq. When that happens I just point them in the direction of the knife block and cutting boards.

fiveminutebreak · 24/04/2021 23:06

I think the example that you give with the pie is a bit weird and I would probably find it odd. If your MIL had decided to just do cold dishes, what's wrong with that? I'm guessing if she wanted hot food she would make it? So, if you turned up with the pie, expecting her to cook it / heat when you'd not been asked to bring anything, I would feel as if you thought my food offering wasn't good enough...
Personally, I would take drinks or snacks / crisps if I'd not been asked to bring anything not a main course!

SaltedCarmel · 24/04/2021 23:08

I always take food with me unless they have spoke to me in advance about what I would like to and can eat, as I have dietary requirements. Otherwise I would be hungry, get drunk very quickly and make a fool out of myself.

subbysammiexoxo · 24/04/2021 23:09

my family pre lockdown would have big gatherings and bbq's at my grandmas house and her and my dad or aunty would cook a few main dishes, burgers, wings, curry, chili , nachos etc and have a few bits ready and family would turn up with sides or alcohol

JackieLavertysWeirdVoice · 24/04/2021 23:28

@Kpo58

I wouldn't bring anything unless it was agreed with the host beforehand.

It would be really odd turning up with a packet of sausages if the host already has loads.

This is what my DP's DiL2 did the first time we met her. She said they were the only brand she could eat, and she didn't touch any of the other food - burgers, beanburgers, tonnes of different salads and relishes, chicken, lamb, veggie pizzas ...

No advance warning of this.

DP had gone to huge lengths to make it a special afternoon and yeah, it seemed rude to make him cook this packet of extra fucking sausages after he'd planned and made everything else.

🙍

youcancallmequeene · 24/04/2021 23:28

It's usually us thats hosts but I wouldn't be impressed if someone rocked up and didn't bring a token gesture as a thank you. That could either be something for the bbq, or a pudding or some wine etc. That's just basic manners surely?

When we go anywhere we always taken pudding or wine for the host. If it's a bbq I always take chicken sausages because I don't eat beef or pork and I'd rather have something I can eat than just bread

daisypond · 25/04/2021 07:59

When we go anywhere we always taken pudding or wine for the host.

Taking pudding, without it being requested by the host, is shockingly rude. Wine is more of a moot area.

BuyYourOwnBBQGlenda · 25/04/2021 08:20

But why on earth would you say not to bring anything if it actually would be gratefully received? It’s a precious and ridiculous thing to do/say.

Because we have enough and don't need them to bring anything in particular, or at all? It's not lying. If they turned up empty handed I'd be happy to see them, when they (more often than not) still bring a bottle of something or some homemade bread or chocolate anyway I'll still say thank you and serve it, not huff and puff and hide it in the kitchen.

Like I said, some of you are wound so tight! It's a BBQ, not the queen's garden party. Why find any excuse to get annoyed at someone?

Tulipomania · 25/04/2021 08:23

Agree, don't take a pudding unless you have specifically been asked to.

Take wine, but don't expect your host to serve it at the meal, as they may have already planned what they want to drink to go best with the food.

rookiemere · 25/04/2021 08:32

I think it's fine to bring a pudding as long as you specify when handing over that hostess doesn't have to serve it today and it's for them to enjoy when they want to.
I'm grateful for additions, not replacements, centre pieces or extra work for me.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 25/04/2021 08:38

No one still said what do people do with all the leftover salads if everyone brings some to the party🙈

Flowersandjellybeans · 25/04/2021 09:15

Eh?

Who in their right mind would have an issue with a guest bringing anything round?

When invited round to friends for a less informal dinner type thing I normally ask if there’s anything we can bring, wine or dessert or whatever - they do too!

Even if it was something borderline inedible it’s still a thoughtful gesture

daisypond · 25/04/2021 09:17

@Flowersandjellybeans

The difference is that you ask in advance.

Flowersandjellybeans · 25/04/2021 09:20

@daisypond

I wouldn’t for a BBQ though

Flowersandjellybeans · 25/04/2021 09:22

In fact similar to a PP, I think I’d find it quite rude if guests turned up to a BBQ with nothing

SchrodingersImmigrant · 25/04/2021 09:23

@Flowersandjellybeans

In fact similar to a PP, I think I’d find it quite rude if guests turned up to a BBQ with nothing

There is quite a lot of space between nothing and bringing random food to be consumed or even cooked.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 25/04/2021 09:24

*to be consimed right away

Flowersandjellybeans · 25/04/2021 09:27

@SchrodingersImmigrant oh no I did mean like a salad, or a pack of burgers, to be eaten. Or just wine

Isn’t that kind of the joy of BBQs? A bit of pot luck, you can just shove anything that needs cooking on the grill? And just enjoy a lovely relaxed meal?

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 25/04/2021 09:27

I'd never take food without checking with the hosts first. If everyone took food, which had to be put out on the day to avoid offending those who brought it, and the hosts already had all the food sorted, that could be a lot of waste.
If I'm hosting, I'd be happy for people to take some of the more time consuming work off me, like making homemade coleslaw. But it would be a shame if someone turned up with it without asking and I'd already made a massive bowl.

If I ask and people say they've got all the food sorted, I might take a cake and say it's for them to eat another day if they don't want to use it on the day. Or an extra bottle of wine if they are adamant they don't want food.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 25/04/2021 09:33

[quote Flowersandjellybeans]@SchrodingersImmigrant oh no I did mean like a salad, or a pack of burgers, to be eaten. Or just wine

Isn’t that kind of the joy of BBQs? A bit of pot luck, you can just shove anything that needs cooking on the grill? And just enjoy a lovely relaxed meal?[/quote]
Pot luck is super fun if it's suppose to be pot luck, I agree😁

Just want to say, because it keeps getting mentioned, a bbq or a dinner where peolle don't bring random food can still be fun and relaxing.😁

CabernetSoWhat · 25/04/2021 09:35

I once spent hours making a fabulous, v complicated, multi-layered birthday cake for DS, and both MiL and SiL turned up with their own home-made birthday cakes.

I was quite put out, especially as DH took the piss out of the parts of mine that had gone wrong when both other bakes were easy packet mix jobs.

But I never normally bake (with good reason) so they weren't to know, and neither knew the other was bringing a cake.

I decided it was lovely that DS has so many family members who wanted to make an effort in his honour. Plus, can you really get upset over too much cake?

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