Is it ever reasonable to expect friends to keep things from partners?

[ghostsliveinmyhouse]

I'm not talking about things like affairs or emotional cheating.

I mean things like, if you confide in a close friend about having a mental health issue, or about something traumatic that happened in your past. If it reasonable to not want that friend to tell anyone else, including their partner?

I know people shouldn't keep things from their partner (obviously) but should that still be the case if it's something personal about someone else.

I've recently confided in a friend as I was having a very hard time - they pushed me to open up and I felt at breaking point so it was a relief to let it out finally. But I've now found out they've told their other half about it and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't like to think I'm a topic of discussion among other people.

AIBU?

Yep. I really hope that all these 'we are one' posters don't work in any field where confidentiality is required.

I find this whole 'we tell each other everything' rationale ridiculous. No you don't. If you manage not to need to tell them how many times you went to the toilet at work today, or what time the postman came, you can manage not to tell him that your best friend is worried that her husband is having an affair.

@LolaSmiles

I don't get it either sara. The argument seems to be that anyone expecting a degree of confidence from a friend should pay for professional services because a poor hubby needs to know intimate details of his wife's friends' lives/there are women out there who are too fragile to know that their friend has been stressed at work or has a smear test on Tuesday that they need to unburden themselves to their husbands at night.

What if having been told all his information from his wife (that he probably never asked for), he husband needs to "unburden" himself? Can he go tell his best friend because his mate won't tell anyone? Or is he limited to talking to his wife because she says they're best buddies for life? So the wife expects her husband to keep confidence so she isn't outed as a gossip, but doesn't think her friend should be afforded confidence.

Can you imagine what it must be like viewing friendly confidences as pillow talk with your husband and then reframing your friend's life situations as burdens to justify the gossiping?

Exactly to this. If you can’t cope without chewing over your friend’s deeply personal confidences with your OH, maybe get a T-shirt that says ‘DH AND I HAVE A HIVE MIND — TELL ONE, TELL BOTH’.

In 99% of cases, how on earth is someone else's problem the listener's burden, to the extent that they have to unload it to someone themselves?

The only time listening to a friend's problem has been a burden to me, was when my friend was suicidal. After talking to him, I called a support helpline to ask what I should do, and they were wonderful. I no longer have a partner, but had I felt that I needed to ask my late DH's advice, I'd have asked my friend first.

To this day I've spoken to no-one but the woman on that helpline about that night. And while many other friends have shared their problems with me, I've never felt burdened to the extent that I've needed to unload to anyone who knows them or knows of them.

@saraclara

Yep. I really hope that all these 'we are one' posters don't work in any field where confidentiality is required.

I find this whole 'we tell each other everything' rationale ridiculous. No you don't. If you manage not to need to tell them how many times you went to the toilet at work today, or what time the postman came, you can manage not to tell him that your best friend is worried that her husband is having an affair.

I do, as does my husband. We differentiate work and personal life, obviously. Work is left at work.

It’s not about managing to not tell. It’s about not having secrets or withholding information. I might use Alexa to tell him the postman had been, actually.if he wants to know how many times I’d used the lavatory that would be fine but I don’t count, so would very much be an estimate.

I don’t tell him everything but neither do I hold secrets.

@LemonRoses so your friends are less important to you than your work clients?

I don't understand this. You either understand the concept of confidentiality, or you don't. Who the person is who asks for it has no bearing on the concept, other than in exceptional circumstances (criminal activity or safeguarding, say).

If you can keep quiet about work related events, you can keep quiet about a friend's distressing circumstance. Neither are 'secrets'. They're just things that your partner doesn't need to know.

I share almost everything with my husband and often my mum, my Dad also If he was there when I was telling her.

If one of my friends was having some kind of mental health break I would speak to my husband and definitely my mum. Not for gossip but for advice on how best I can support my friend.

If they asked me not to say anything to anyone I'd be more inclined to skip DH but would more than likely still speak to my Mum. Sometimes when people offload something really heavy the person who has been offloaded onto needs a bit of advice on how best they can help.

I don't really take anything I tell anyone about myself as secret, I assume they may well tell someone in their life. Unless it's done in a malicious gossipy way to multiple people I don't think it's an issue.

My Mum knows absolutely everything about me so it wouldn't make sense to me to not confide in her about something.

I guess mine should have actually read I tell my mum almost everything and often my husband and dad. My Mum knows way more than my husband.

I sometimes tell my husband confidential work stuff 🤷🏻‍♀️ not very often but it has been known. He works in a similar profession so understand the importance of confidentiality. He doesn’t ever repeat what I’ve told him (he understands the potential consequences) and I have no reason to suspect he ever would.

I know my colleagues (those who work with me and those who work in other firms) do the same.

Most people I know discuss confidential work cases too. As long as no names are mentioned.

And many of these posts demonstrate why I'm right to longer share my problems in real life. It's not doing my mental health any good, but there's barely anyone left these days who can be trusted to listen and fully respect a confidence.

If you know a lot of people who share confidential work information then you know a lot of unprofessional people who i hope I never have the misfortune of having to work with.

What's the point in having professional standards if there's people out there who think that professional conduct has a little clause at the bottom saying "unless you love your husband and think he is amazing, in which case feel free to tell him everything because you're the sort of smug wife who says we couldn't possibly keep secrets from each other because we love each other so much"

I share almost everything with my husband and often my mum

If I told my mum something it would be all round the houses in five minutes, taken out of context and embroidered. My mother was the least confidential woman that ever lived. She was also terribly nosy and would ask questions. I grew up with that, hated it, which is probably why I feel so strongly about confidences now.

It isn't being 'secretive' to keep confidences to yourself, it is respecting someone else's privacy. If you cannot do that then don't listen in the first place.

I must say I have often had the experience of being told something, keeping it quiet and then finding out that they have also told the world and his wife :-).

What's the point in having professional standards if there's people out there who think that professional conduct has a little clause at the bottom saying "unless you love your husband and think he is amazing, in which case feel free to tell him everything because you're the sort of smug wife who says we couldn't possibly keep secrets from each other because we love each other so much"

My, that’s some chip you have there.

I wouldn't tell DH my friends private business. The key word is PRIVATE.

If something a friend confides in me upsets me - and if a friend is having a real struggle with something that would generally upset me - I'm not going to tell that friend I'm upset about it because that's lumping their problem back on them twofold. I will tell someone else I trust not to share or use the info though. That's just basic self care.

I tell my husband everything. I expect everything I tell friends gets back to their partners too so if I didn't want it to go any further I wouldn't tell anyone. My husband isn't really in contact with any of my friends and wouldn't know anyone who they know to pass the information on to anyway.

My, that’s some chip you have there
No chip at all, more unimpressed that some people think they can share confidential work information because they love their husband.

Look through this thread and there are posts about how me and husband are one, tell me something and my husband has to know, I couldn't keep anything secret from him, actually I do tell work confidence to husband and know lots who do.

I'd be disgusted to think I'd sat in safeguarding meetings only for a colleague to have gone home and relayed what was discussed to her husband.

I'd be disgusted to think I'd sat in safeguarding meetings only for a colleague to have gone home and relayed what was discussed to her husband.

I don't know what the content of a safeguarding meeting might be to be perfectly honest but if it is potentially horrible things happening to vulnerable people you can't expect people not to share that with someone they trust. You're asking for staff burnout otherwise.

Maggiesfarm

I have the opposite fortunately. She would only really share anything with my Dad and she picks and chooses what. Many a time in my younger years I heard the phrase "just don't tell your bloody Dad that".

Maybe it's unfair for me to share certain things with her but as an example when a friend who lives far away heavily implied she was suicidal the first thing I did was ring my Mum for advice as unfortunately she has experienced this with a very close family member and she helped guide me in supporting her.

I understand why people wouldn't be happy to have certain things shared, I guess my closest friends have been in my life so long that they themselves have spoken to my Mum themselves for advice at times. We all kind of accept that if we tell each other things they will loop in certain family members.

@Thislittlefinger123

I tell my DH everything, he's my best friend and we just naturally share things. I assumed that's what everyone is like.

That being said no friend has ever specifically asked me not to tell DH something, if they did then I'd respect that of course.

But why would you need to tell him that Mandy spoke to you about her fibroids or that Jenny is worried they don't have sex enough or Elle is annoyed that her Mom won't baby sit her child but does her sisters for example? Like do you debrief your entire days conversation? I've picked random things but if it isn't something that's keeping you awake at night worrying you, why would it even come up on convo? "Oh guess what Mandy said today, apparently her fibroid is huge and might impact her getting pregnant again. She cries for 20 minutes and o have her 3 platitudes"

LolaSmiles

I'm afraid I've done exactly that. I walked in the door and my husband asked how my day was and I burst into tears. I felt physically sick walking out my work that day knowing what type of home a lovely wee kid was going back to that weekend.

Admittedly I left not long after. I never mastered compartmentalising and leaving work at work to go home and enjoy my home life. It wasn't the line of work for me.

@ThePlantsitter

I'd be disgusted to think I'd sat in safeguarding meetings only for a colleague to have gone home and relayed what was discussed to her husband.

I don't know what the content of a safeguarding meeting might be to be perfectly honest but if it is potentially horrible things happening to vulnerable people you can't expect people not to share that with someone they trust. You're asking for staff burnout otherwise.

They should be offloading to an appropriate colleague not people outside of that. I'm a Samaritan and it would be really inappropriate to come home and start talking about my callers to DH.

What does it matter? He doesn’t know who they are.

I'm sure the Samaritans has structures in place to enable people to do that. I'm less sure that schools/social work/children's homes do.

Lyland, its none of their business, and perhaps your friends don't need advice, just a listening ear