Is it ever reasonable to expect friends to keep things from partners?

[ghostsliveinmyhouse]

I'm not talking about things like affairs or emotional cheating.

I mean things like, if you confide in a close friend about having a mental health issue, or about something traumatic that happened in your past. If it reasonable to not want that friend to tell anyone else, including their partner?

I know people shouldn't keep things from their partner (obviously) but should that still be the case if it's something personal about someone else.

I've recently confided in a friend as I was having a very hard time - they pushed me to open up and I felt at breaking point so it was a relief to let it out finally. But I've now found out they've told their other half about it and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't like to think I'm a topic of discussion among other people.

AIBU?

[LolaSmiles]

Not discussing some aspects of others’ business isn’t ‘keeping things from’ a partner, or indeed anyone else
I agree and it is absolutely depressing that some people seem to think that their wonderful hubby doesn't count because he is the bestest ever soul mate, the sun shines out his backside and he would never tell anyone.

How hard is it to understand that if someone confides in a friend, they've confided in their friend, not invited friend and husband round for a 3 way discussion?

[saraclara]

Keeping friends’ confidence should be a given, with no need to seek a friend’s explicit agreement not to share personal information with their partner.

I agree. It infuriates me that some people think that they shouldn't possibly be expected not to tell their partner everything. A confidence is a confidence. Your DH or DP is no more entitled to hear about it than anyone else.

People's inability to respect a confidence seems to be increasing, in my experience. There is virtually no-one I trust to do so these days.

[eatsleepread]

YANBU, but you should have made it clear that it was to go no further.
I hope you're ok.

[sammylady37]

@LolaSmiles

Not discussing some aspects of others’ business isn’t ‘keeping things from’ a partner, or indeed anyone else
I agree and it is absolutely depressing that some people seem to think that their wonderful hubby doesn't count because he is the bestest ever soul mate, the sun shines out his backside and he would never tell anyone.

How hard is it to understand that if someone confides in a friend, they've confided in their friend, not invited friend and husband round for a 3 way discussion?

Can’t agree more with both these posts. I don’t get the ‘have to tell DH’ / ‘can’t have secrets from DH’ brigade. Listen, if you want to tell him everything including the size, colour and consistency of your latest shit, on the basis that you tell him ^everything* then do so, but you have no right to tell him something else has confided in you.

I ended a friendship over this once, my friend had so little regard and respect for me that she told her husband the very thing I had confided in her in front of me saying ‘oh it’s only DH, who’s he going to tell?’- well, I don’t know who he’s going to tell and also that’s irrelevant in many ways as I didn’t want him to know the info. I left her house that night and the friendship is over.

[ShutUpAlex]

We talk to eachother about everything so I’d be that person. But, all of my friends are the same. If I tell my BF something I know her husband will know too. Doesn’t really bother me.

[JosephineBaker]

YABU

If someone wanted to tell me something they explicitly didn’t want me to tell DH, I’d rather they didn’t tell me at all.

We talk about our day in the evenings. What’s good, what’s worrying us, points of stress or concern. I wouldn't be comfortable with something I was forbidden from sharing with him.

[LemonTT]

I don’t think you can place that expectation on someone. Friends aren’t priests, lawyers or doctors. They won’t spend time wrestling ethics about their friendships.

The responsibility here is with you. If you need to unburden you can do that with a professional. Otherwise choose the friend well but accept they might discuss things with others for whole lot of reasons. The most obvious one being they too need to unburden. Just like you.

[CalaminePink]

@JosephineBaker

YABU

If someone wanted to tell me something they explicitly didn’t want me to tell DH, I’d rather they didn’t tell me at all.

We talk about our day in the evenings. What’s good, what’s worrying us, points of stress or concern. I wouldn't be comfortable with something I was forbidden from sharing with him.

And it wouldn’t be possible to talk about the rest of your day, including the fact that you’d seen Friend X, without disclosing her private or sensitive information to your husband?

[saraclara]

Wrestling ethics? What's so hard about just keeping your gob shut when someone tells you their problem and asks you to keep it confidential?

[saraclara]

The responsibility here is with you. If you need to unburden you can do that with a professional

So poor people don't get to share their problems or ask advice?

[EmeraldShamrock]

I wouldn't be comfortable with something I was forbidden from sharing with him.
Even if the something was a deeply personal private issue your friend needed an ear for?

[saraclara]

I don't get it. What is the compulsion that people have to immediately blab their friend's distress to their partner? Why is privacy denied to your friend of you have a partner?

There are very few things I find unforgivable, but breaking a confidence is one of them.

[Maggiesfarm]

@ShutUpAlex

We talk to eachother about everything so I’d be that person. But, all of my friends are the same. If I tell my BF something I know her husband will know too. Doesn’t really bother me.

I hope you aren't in a job where you have to keep confidences, Alex!

Someone confiding in you should be treated in the same way as a confidential job. My work was confidential and I didn't tell my husband about people with whom I was involved, likewise I wouldn't have told him anything a friend said to me apart from innocuous stuff. Quite honestly he wouldn't have wanted to know anyway and he respected the fact that I was discreet. I brought my children up to be the same.

Gossip is quite childish and, frankly, unpleasant.

There are plenty of other things to talk about.

If a confidence was really troubling me I would find someone far away from the situation and unlikely to ever know the person concerned, to talk to about it. Someone I could trust to keep their mouth shut!

[Orangesand]

YANBU. Slightly different but when my friend confided in me that she was pregnant (before she had even told family members), I refused to tell my DP as I didn't feel it was right that he should know before some of her family. He only found out when she publicly announced it.

[Maggiesfarm]

@saraclara

Wrestling ethics? What's so hard about just keeping your gob shut when someone tells you their problem and asks you to keep it confidential?

I've never heard of 'wrestling ethics' though no doubt there are ethics in wrestling :-). I'll ask Dwayne Johnson next time I see him.

I agree with by the way, don't understand the need to tell husband everything (whether or not they are interested); it's not called 'pillow talk' for nothing.

[IamMaz]

I had a conversation which touched on this issue, with a neighbour recently. Her stance is that she says 'It's not my story to tell.' if she gets caught up in something that was told to her in confidence.
I thought this a great idea.

[LolaSmiles]

I don't get it either sara. The argument seems to be that anyone expecting a degree of confidence from a friend should pay for professional services because a poor hubby needs to know intimate details of his wife's friends' lives/there are women out there who are too fragile to know that their friend has been stressed at work or has a smear test on Tuesday that they need to unburden themselves to their husbands at night.

What if having been told all his information from his wife (that he probably never asked for), he husband needs to "unburden" himself? Can he go tell his best friend because his mate won't tell anyone? Or is he limited to talking to his wife because she says they're best buddies for life? So the wife expects her husband to keep confidence so she isn't outed as a gossip, but doesn't think her friend should be afforded confidence.

Can you imagine what it must be like viewing friendly confidences as pillow talk with your husband and then reframing your friend's life situations as burdens to justify the gossiping?

[Hollyhead]

YANBU - I think most people can judge which ‘secrets’ are shareable with a partner or not. Deeply personal upsetting things - no I wouldn’t. Nicer secrets like new job/baby/moving I probably would share.

[Maggiesfarm]

@IamMaz

I had a conversation which touched on this issue, with a neighbour recently. Her stance is that she says 'It's not my story to tell.' if she gets caught up in something that was told to her in confidence.
I thought this a great idea.

Your neighbour is absolutely right.

If someone knows they have difficulty in keeping confidences, it's best to say, "Please don't tell me", or change the subject.

It can be very hurtful to find out you've been talked about concerning a matter quite serious to you.

[LemonRoses]

I think asking friends to keep secrets from spouses is unreasonable. I think most would share concerns and celebrations and friends should accept that. I’m of the view that marriage is a union and there should be no secrets - a bit different to a boyfriend of two months. It’s situation specific.
I probably wouldn’t tell everything simply because he’d not be particularly interested and not have asked. It’s different if it’s mutual friends too - as most of ours are.
I think if you don’t want something shared then you would be wise not to share it. I think the ‘not my story to share’ is good advice but I do think it’s different with married partners. I’d never do it without making it clear that I’d share, if asked so the person had the right to not tell me. I think most of our friends would have a similar view.

[Toty]

An ex friend did this to me a long time ago. It was a new boyfriend and it was medical stuff she thought was fine to share. Haven't spoken to her since. Don't need friends I can't trust. I do thankfully have decent friends I know I could trust with private info and vice versa. Really don't get the need to go repeating everything your told to your partner, particularly when asked not to.
I have a real issue with people who gossip anyway, usually have pretty boring/unfulfilling lives so have to resort to spending their time talking about others.

[HandsIntoTheFire]

I think this is one of those areas for me where MN does not reflect real life. I’d tell my husband most things (to be fair he’s probably not listening anyway) unless I was explicitly asked not to and if I decide to tell someone a secret I factor in that they will probably by default share it with their other half. I’d say that’s reflected through my friendship circle.

[HandsIntoTheFire]

If a friend confided her struggles I might speak to my husband to say for example “do you think I gave the right advice” sort of thing.

[emilyfrost]

DH and I tell each other absolutely everything, so if you tell one of us something you’re telling both of us.

The other one doesn’t tell anyone else, though, so it still remains a secret 🤷‍♀️

[notagainmummy]

It is difficult for the person offloaded to. They may want to keep your secret, but be so upset themselves by the situation, they also need someone to share their feelings with. What I am saying is it's unfair to emotionally offload into someone else, and not allow them to offload to their partner.

If it's something like a surprise party, yes, if it's something upsetting, then no.