AIBU to get annoyed by social events where meals are served at times that are not meal times?

[HerculesMulligann]

I’m really not as fussy as that title makes me sound! I eat most types of food and it’s not like I have set mealtimes and have to eat lunch at 1pm on the dot or something.

It’s more that on a typical day I will have breakfast sometime between 7-9, lunch between 12-2 and dinner between 6-8. And I’ve realised that social events where meals are served at ‘non-traditional’ times really annoy me! Wedding breakfasts at 4pm, or a barbecue that starts at 3 and involves grazing on food all afternoon, so it’s not quite lunch and it’s not quite dinner.

Yes I try and adjust so have a snack at lunchtime before a 4pm wedding breakfast for example, but I never seem to get it quite right. I either don’t eat enough beforehand and am really hungry, or eat too much and then can’t eat much of the food that is served.

I promise I’m not as grumpy as this makes me sound, and I am genuinely grateful when anyone cooks for me or invites me anywhere.

Also if there are any self-appointed covid rules police out there these are just general musings by the way. I’ve not been frequenting illicit wedding breakfasts or attending massive barbecues.

Oh and of course I recognise that everyone and every culture in different, and the times I’ve put above don’t apply to everyone. (Don’t get me started on going out for dinner at 10pm in Spain)

We live in Ireland. The party in question was in a hotel and a 100 people were asked. Usually a party with large numbers of people e.g. 50 plus guests will involve drinks, finger food and a slice of birthday cake in a pub or function hall. This is why we didn't expect 'dinner' at the party we attended. It is expected that if you invite 6 people to your house or 20 people to a restaurant, then there will be dinner.

@user1471554720

I hate missing meals. You are invited to a church wedding at 2pm. They are often far away so you have to start travelling at 12pm, too early for lunch. Then after the church there are a few hours of drinking and tit bits of food until dinner at 7pm. The invitations always say dinner at e.g 5pm but it is always late. I would love to order a sandwich from the bar at 4pm as I am hungry then, but that would be considered rude. Everyone else had loads of drinks and don't feel a bit hungry or sick. When I drive it is not awful as I pack a lunch in the car, sit in the car and eat that. I only drink 3 glasses of wine for an evening, so if i start drinking at 4pm then I can't manage a drink later.

It is trickier if someone offers us a lift to the wedding, thinking they are doing a great thing. They would think it greedy to have a sandwich at 4 pm after having travelled and not eaten since 11am. However it is not greedy at all to have about 7 drinks between 4 and 6pm!!!

Another thing I dislike is when you are askef to a party at 7pm. You have eaten dinner. Then they provide a buffet of rice and a 'dinner'. As you have eaten then you arw trying to eat a second dinner out of politeness. If this was mentioned at the invite stage then you could just have a light 'tea' at 6pm.

We don’t eat dinner until 8pm ish anyway so a party starting at 7 with dinner served a bit later would be ideal.

@user1471554720, honestly that all sounds a bit mad and rigid. I've travelled to weddings all over including driving from Cork to north Leitrim a couple of years ago without having it wreck my day to that extent. Eat an early lunch? Have a big breakfast and then filling snack on the road? And, honestly, we've given loads of people a lift to distant weddings over the years, without either thinking we were doing them a massive favour or having an opinion on their 'greed' if they got a sandwich at 4 pm! Surely if you'd prefer to drive yourself because it leaves you freer to eat, you just say no to a lift? And space out your drinks, or have tea or coffee or soft drinks at the pre-dinner stage? I'm pretty lightweight at that stuff myself.

And honestly, I certainly wouldn't eat dinner if I had a party invitation for seven o'clock, unless the invitation specified no/minimal food. Seven or eight is dinner time for many people.

@StillCoughingandLaughing

Another thing I dislike is when you are askef to a party at 7pm. You have eaten dinner. Then they provide a buffet of rice and a 'dinner'. As you have eaten then you arw trying to eat a second dinner out of politeness. If this was mentioned at the invite stage then you could just have a light 'tea' at 6pm.

I’m surprised anyone would think a 7pm party didn’t include food.

Yes I would always assume it would and I wouldn’t eat dinner before going.

Cloisters, I don't want to be seen as different. Most people can last for ages with no food, can have lots of drinks without feeling sick. I feel ashamed to order a sandwich when everyone else is having drinks. Also I get weak and can't concentrate when I am very hungry. This looks very anti social. I usually pace myself with non alcoholic drinks, but the hunger is dreadful.

We have been to 21sts and 50ths over the years which were held in pubs. We used to get caught out in the early years as we would eat no dinner. Then there would be drinks and a slice of birthday cake at 11pm. You must move in different circles where dinner is provided at parties to 100s of people.

@user1471554720

Cloisters, I don't want to be seen as different. Most people can last for ages with no food, can have lots of drinks without feeling sick. I feel ashamed to order a sandwich when everyone else is having drinks. Also I get weak and can't concentrate when I am very hungry. This looks very anti social. I usually pace myself with non alcoholic drinks, but the hunger is dreadful.

We have been to 21sts and 50ths over the years which were held in pubs. We used to get caught out in the early years as we would eat no dinner. Then there would be drinks and a slice of birthday cake at 11pm. You must move in different circles where dinner is provided at parties to 100s of people.

Honestly, I don't think you'd stand out as 'different' at all, @user1471554720. I don't think most people can last indefinitely with no food, and I don't think there's any shame at all in carrying filling snacks for this kind of situation, if you find yourself with an unusual stretch between meals. (My father, who is a diabetic, has to, for instance. I certainly did similar when I was pregnant, and when DS was smaller and a fussy eater, I seemed to have a permanent supply of breadsticks, rice cakes etc.) And you must move in more hard-drinking circles than I do!

I generally find invitations specify whether or not there's food, and if there's less than anticipated, or none, I'd order something at the bar. I know DH and I once slipped out from a big birthday party in a hotel and got a quick Chinese across the street because by the time we got to the buffet all the vegetarian food had gone.

Def the tradition here for weddings is big late breakfast keeps us going til after service then often you'll see people duck to Centra for a plastic sandwich no big deal. Often then there's canapes at the hotel. No one needs to starve! What kinda bugs me in a daft way is a crazy early Sunday lunch. My in laws always book 12pm to 'beat the rush' Way way too early imo. If we book Sunday lunch happy to leave it til 2/3 then chill for afternoon & just have a snack later. My dh als laughs at me cos I have thus 'notion' Sunday lunch fills you for the day so we don't need a proper 'tea'. People are quirky 😁

I feel your pain, I’m the other way round.

I’m Spanish and when I moved to the UK it took me ages to be able to eat proper dinner at 5pm (when I was invited somewhere). At 5pm I’ve barely digested lunch, dinner is 9:30pm on a weekday, more like 11 to midnight on a weekend 😂

I remember working on a group project at uni which had a scheduled lunch break from 11:45 to 12:30. I can’t fit in food at that time, lunch is at 2:30pm the earliest!

I got caught once at a wedding. Failed to eat lunch as it was at lunchtime and then no food until 5. Since then I just make sure to have a snack before things like this. So an afternoon barbecue I'll have a sandwich for beforehand but not a big lunch. And tend to have an emergency snack somewhere if it's a wedding because I know the food can be a bit random.

I can be flexible if I know what the deal is. I can't be doing with being invited for lunch at 12 but not being fed a morsel of food until 3pm and then the lunch only being a share of a packet of breadsticks and some dip, for example. Or being invited for the day and arriving at 10.30am and not being offered a drink or any food until 2.30pm. Or going back to one of these miserly households and then bring given a 5 course meal where last time there was just bread sticks and water

@user1471554720

Honestly, I think you are giving people too much credit for noticing/caring what you are doing/eating/drinking - I can't remember what I ate at most weddings, so I certainly wouldn't be paying enough attention to anyone else to even form an opinion, let alone think badly of them!

One wedding turned out to have longish gap between the ceremony and sitting down to eat. It turned out to be two hours, but was impossible really to ask

Plates of sandwiches were provided for 'the children' These were presided over by the children's entertainer to glared are anyone who thought that hunger would qualify them to have a sandwich.

The wedding was held outside in a marquee, many of us bumped into each other at the bar ordering sandwiches. 😁

BoyTree, people at weddings are well able to notice when I am having mineral water at 4pm and ask me if I'd like 'anything stronger'.!! I would actually like a sandwich but that wouldn't go down too well.

Also, when we are at weddings, they are always in 'country hotels' with the hotel miles from a 'spar shop'. You would have to drive a few miles to get to a shop. I can't order food at the bar because all the drinkers are there and 'you will spoil your dinner in 4 hours time'. Having already fasted for a few hours, if I stick it out and stay hungry, then I can"t manage the dinner with multiple sauces, rich food etc, having fasted for 9 hours. I did this once and the dinner made me nauseous as the fasting gap was too long, and I had no crackers to settle me. I usually have something in the car and I don't broadcast it.

On weekends and Christmas I do a late breakfast around 11, so 3 for lunch isn't bad for a bbq/Christmas meal. I lie in at the weekend!

www.theguardian.com/law/2011/apr/11/judges-lenient-break#:~:text=The%20research%2C%20which%20examined%20judicial,court%20proceedings%20such%20as%20lunch.

This article shows how a decision made by a judge is significantly affected by how long it is since the judge last had a meal.

So clearly hunger affects mood.

I agree that having an off meal time 'sprung' on you, so you can be left hungry, is tricky, even worse if you have children.

I wish I was someone who wasn't affected by hunger, but I am (and I think a lot of people are).

If you know when the weird timed meal is going to be, yes it is annoying but manageable.

I can't order food at the bar because all the drinkers are there and 'you will spoil your dinner in 4 hours time'.

Tell them you’re not a child and they’re not your mother!

This thread has reminded me of my school boyfriend who, when I asked if he was hungry would immediately ask "what's the time?"

Why should the time dictate if your stomach wants food?!

I don't mind one off events like weddings as I can just sort myself out. But I think the hosts should make it clear when they are serving food, so people can sort themselves out. I have a really clear memory of going to a wedding as a child that started at 12.30, so pretty much everyone assumed there would be a wedding breakfast around 2. In fact it turned out that there was no food at all until the evening meal which was served at 7. A large number of the guest ended up leaving the ceremony in search of substenance.

My personal gripe is children's birthday parties that are either not remotely near a meal time (e.g. 2-4pm) or leave you wondering if there are meant to eat first or not (12.30-2.30pm). DS got really ratty if he wasn't fed at regular intervals - I need to know if there will be food!

@user1471554720

BoyTree, people at weddings are well able to notice when I am having mineral water at 4pm and ask me if I'd like 'anything stronger'.!! I would actually like a sandwich but that wouldn't go down too well.

Also, when we are at weddings, they are always in 'country hotels' with the hotel miles from a 'spar shop'. You would have to drive a few miles to get to a shop. I can't order food at the bar because all the drinkers are there and 'you will spoil your dinner in 4 hours time'. Having already fasted for a few hours, if I stick it out and stay hungry, then I can"t manage the dinner with multiple sauces, rich food etc, having fasted for 9 hours. I did this once and the dinner made me nauseous as the fasting gap was too long, and I had no crackers to settle me. I usually have something in the car and I don't broadcast it.

@user1471554720, I think you mind far too much what other people think. I mean, if you're unusually affected by periods of fasting, as it sounds as if you are, isn't your own health and comfort more important than someone else's opinion? I don't drink at all for months at a time, and I expect other people to deal with that, just as I expect them to deal with me getting a sandwich at a wedding.

I understand the poster who says she doesn't want to stand out by getting food. Its quite awful to be feeling like everyone else is fine and you're not and/or feeling people will feel you're odd or greedy.
And for those saying folk won't notice,they do!
One woman at a wedding was eating a snack in her car when I went back to get the couple's present as I needed help to carry it. Me me and my friend mentioned it to our group that X was there eating something, and (not me but) some of them still mention it and how odd it was. I don't find it odd. Timings at events where you're in the middle of nowhere, for someone who feels so sick and dizzy without food, can be a real inconvenience.

I know you'll already know this, but your meal times aren't universal. Some people don't have fixed meal times either.

With a wedding breakfast, for example, there are other things to take into consideration than what time your guests normally enjoy their lunch.

OMG my husband fusses about this. People will make a lovely meal for a special occasion and he's griping in my ear because it's at 3pm or at 11.30am. It's like some grandpa from the 1940s.

YABU in my opinion.

By all means have your life governed by mealtimes on normal days, if that's what you like. But on a festive occasion, if someone wants to do something weird then be gracious and go with it. They may have their reasons.

People can be very spiteful and never miss a chance to point out that someone else is 'odd'. It was very unkind of your friends to broadcast this about the woman.

When I had to attend weddings with friends I would bring a reasonable size bag and would eat a protein bar in the bathroom cubicle. I know this is odd but I would hate for others to see me eating in the car, and talk about me. My friends who attended weddings with me didn't drink, but they were well able to stick it out without eating. My best friend, who was tall and large, ate breakfast at 8am and didn't eat again until the dinner at 7pm. A lunch would spoil the dinner.... She was peckish but not 'hangry'

@UserTwice

I don't mind one off events like weddings as I can just sort myself out. But I think the hosts should make it clear when they are serving food, so people can sort themselves out. I have a really clear memory of going to a wedding as a child that started at 12.30, so pretty much everyone assumed there would be a wedding breakfast around 2. In fact it turned out that there was no food at all until the evening meal which was served at 7. A large number of the guest ended up leaving the ceremony in search of substenance.

My personal gripe is children's birthday parties that are either not remotely near a meal time (e.g. 2-4pm) or leave you wondering if there are meant to eat first or not (12.30-2.30pm). DS got really ratty if he wasn't fed at regular intervals - I need to know if there will be food!

Yes, I think two different issues are being conflated in this thread. I dislike people fussing about special occasion meal times being a little out of whack - this is the issue OP originally posted about and I think she is BU. Different issue is people being misleading about when they will serve food eg inviting people for lunch at 12.30 but not serving until 4pm. That is obviously diabolical.

I am not great on holidays either, but i bring protein bars for when I am caught out in the middle of nowhere with ages between meals. On longer trips I try to book half board in a hotel to MAKE dh come back from sightseeing for food. When something is booked we can't waste it. With this and the hotel breakfast, we are not too badly off. There is only the lunchtime where I get hungry and I have a cereal bar. Since having dcs, it has got better.

My dh won't go ages travelling to some monument in Spain/our home country with no food, as dcs are tweens and will complain about food and water. An unexpected benefit of covid is having to stay at home and no long days out/hols where you don't know where your next meal is coming from. I always liked city breaks or a day out shopping, as you could get regular meals and water.