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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Refusing to let 3 year old play with bad kid..

116 replies

ToddlerMum91 · 22/04/2021 18:00

My son is just turned 3. We recently got new neighbours. It was clear from the get go that they had "habits" we didn't and the company they keep frequented the local pharmacies... If we're all on the same page...

They have a son who is around 7/8 years old and I refuse to let my son play with him and some friends think I'm being unreasonable. To explain, his parents recently got him back into their care after social work intervention. He asks my husband (who is always in the garden with our son) if he 'likes buckfast, because his mum and dad do and they let him drink it'. He asked if my son can say words like 'bum' and 'boobs' and 'poop' etc. He constantly leaves mess in the communal hall. He swears. He waits until our adjoining neighbours are out and helps himself to their garden and property. He tells people that he is 4 when he is 7/8 and is often not at school. When I asked him why he wasn't at school the other day, he said 'because they're off' - when they weren't. He has no sense of stranger danger, will talk to anyone on the street, stopping passers by. My other neighbour has asked him multiple times not to swear around her grandchildren. He's just ill behaved and I'm torn. On the one hand I feel terrible because he's in such a bad environment and he's been willingly out BACK into that environment by the social care system. But on the other hand, I'll be damned if I let my son be around him and the toxic influence. Do you think I'm being unreasonable??

OP posts:
Embracelife · 22/04/2021 18:02

Your 3 yr old does not need to play with a 7 year old. Too much age difference just say that.
If you concerned call nspcc

Embracelife · 22/04/2021 18:03

But stop calling him a bad kid
He isn't
He may be acting out because of bad parenting

Don't blame the kid

toiletbrushholder · 22/04/2021 18:05

I think you're justified in your decision, (although you do sound very judgemental ) you need to report your concerns to social services particularly as you know he has been temporarily removed from him family.

GrumpyHoonMain · 22/04/2021 18:06

Keep your son away the age difference is too mucu, and ring social services

elenacampana · 22/04/2021 18:06

I think you’re being vile, not just unreasonable.

GiveMeTulipsfromAmsterdam · 22/04/2021 18:09

The age difference means your 3 year old wouldn't normally play with unless happy.

You are wrong to label him a bad kid. He has a difficult family background he is a child and not his fault.

Poor child, imagine going through life in that family and probably also neglected etc and people label him bad. I feel for him. We aren't all born with equal chances in life.

ToddlerMum91 · 22/04/2021 18:09

We have never been unkind to him or his parents. I'd like to make that clear. His mental well being is of serious concern to me, but hearing him scream at his mum to 'go f*&k herself' and the mum reciprocating in kind doesn't exactly make me believe that he's an angel. I might sound judgemental but I don't know how else to out that your neighbours are doing drugs, as they do not hide it, and you don't want your child or family around that??

OP posts:
inmyslippers · 22/04/2021 18:11

He's not the bad kid he's been dealt a shitty hand. You don't have to mix with him but hope you're reporting everything to social workers.

WalesStar · 22/04/2021 18:11

YANBU. At 3 your child doesn’t have to play with anyone you don’t want them to.

ToddlerMum91 · 22/04/2021 18:11

You know what, I didn't come here for name calling and I'm sure the perfect mums on here would know exactly what to do but I'm reaching out for advice. I'm sorry I ever posted.

OP posts:
ImTheWolfToday · 22/04/2021 18:11

There’s a big age difference so from that POV you’re not unreasonable. However, you are unreasonable calling him a bad kid, especially as you appear acutely aware of the bad environment he is living in. Please report your concerns to social services, regardless of the fact they’re already involved they need as much information as possibly to be able to support effectively.

MellowBird85 · 22/04/2021 18:11

@elenacampana

I think you’re being vile, not just unreasonable.
Why is OP being vile?
JackieTheFart · 22/04/2021 18:12

I feel sorry for that little boy. He’s being failed by his parents, but obviously not badly enough that something else can be put in place for him.

YANBU about your son - just say he’s too little.

@elenacampana interested to know what’s ‘vile’ to you?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 22/04/2021 18:12

I wouldn't let my 3 year old anywhere near that child or his family, and I wouldn't give a damn what anyone thought about that.

Goatsgetmygoat · 22/04/2021 18:13

I’d report that they have been giving him alcoholic drinks

gamerchick · 22/04/2021 18:15

You need to stop thinking of him as a bad kid. He's had a terrible start in life and is probably in constant survival mode. If you're concerned then contact SS with your observations.

However you don't have to let your 3 yr old play with him. The age gap itself isn't really suitable.

bathsh3ba · 22/04/2021 18:15

Not unreasonable to not let your child play with him on grounds of age.

But unreasonable to label him bad at age 7. Contact social services with your concerns, give him a chance.

ToddlerMum91 · 22/04/2021 18:16

I would also like to point out that I am currently in contact with the social work and logging my concerns because I don't want the poor boy to be subjected to what he is currently. I am not trying to be vile. Like I have said, I have never been unkind to him or his parents. We greet each other. I talk to the boy, for christ sake. Thank you for the kind responses. I truly didn't mean to offend anyone.

OP posts:
Lucyllama · 22/04/2021 18:17

He won't be able to be that much of a "toxic influence" on a 3 year old with you supervising. Does your 3 year old like playing with him?

I8toys · 22/04/2021 18:17

He's 7 with what sounds like an awful childhood.

YANBU to not let him play with your son but YABU to not to attempt to try and understand his circumstances.

BaronessBomburst · 22/04/2021 18:19

Does the older boy want to play with your 3 year old, or is it the other way around?
7 year olds don't usually want to play with children so much younger than them. You'd certainly never leave them alone or unsupervised either.
I understand your dilemma though. You don't want to stop them kicking a ball to each other in the communal garden, but on the other hand you don't want your own child to look up to them or to pick up and copy the language and behaviour.

MaskingForIt · 22/04/2021 18:19

@ToddlerMum91

You know what, I didn't come here for name calling and I'm sure the perfect mums on here would know exactly what to do but I'm reaching out for advice. I'm sorry I ever posted.
YADNBU. You might be being judgmental, but if they are drug users then you’re right to be.

Presumably those who think it is okay are the ones doing cocaine at the weekend, middle class mum style.

ToddlerMum91 · 22/04/2021 18:19

@I8toys

He's 7 with what sounds like an awful childhood.

YANBU to not let him play with your son but YABU to not to attempt to try and understand his circumstances.

Please see above. I am trying. As I've said, now 3 times, I have NEVER been unkind to him. And when he asked my son if he's seen 'his mummy without clothes on', forgive me for thinking that this isn't a great influence for a 3 year old.
OP posts:
ToddlerMum91 · 22/04/2021 18:22

It's he that insists on playing with my son. And our neighbours son who is 2. But I do feel awful for him because he's alone in his house and his parents never come to play with him.

OP posts:
Bibidy · 22/04/2021 18:22

I think it's fine to not let your son play with him at that age, it's not like your 3 year old would be playing out alone and would have to try and avoid him himself.

That said though, I'm not sure when they would get the opportunity to play without you there to supervise anyway with your boy being only 3, so is it really a big problem?