Refusing to let 3 year old play with bad kid..

[ToddlerMum91]

My son is just turned 3. We recently got new neighbours. It was clear from the get go that they had "habits" we didn't and the company they keep frequented the local pharmacies... If we're all on the same page...

They have a son who is around 7/8 years old and I refuse to let my son play with him and some friends think I'm being unreasonable. To explain, his parents recently got him back into their care after social work intervention. He asks my husband (who is always in the garden with our son) if he 'likes buckfast, because his mum and dad do and they let him drink it'. He asked if my son can say words like 'bum' and 'boobs' and 'poop' etc. He constantly leaves mess in the communal hall. He swears. He waits until our adjoining neighbours are out and helps himself to their garden and property. He tells people that he is 4 when he is 7/8 and is often not at school. When I asked him why he wasn't at school the other day, he said 'because they're off' - when they weren't. He has no sense of stranger danger, will talk to anyone on the street, stopping passers by. My other neighbour has asked him multiple times not to swear around her grandchildren. He's just ill behaved and I'm torn. On the one hand I feel terrible because he's in such a bad environment and he's been willingly out BACK into that environment by the social care system. But on the other hand, I'll be damned if I let my son be around him and the toxic influence. Do you think I'm being unreasonable??

Op, please ignore the idiots on here. Regardless of this boy's situation, you are not obliged to let your son play with him. The age difference alone should be reason enough.

@GratitudeGoddess

What I wondered is how the 7 year old boy looks at your relationship with you and your son and how he may witness that you represent safety. He may unconsciously be attaching himself to your son because you are being friendly and representing a safe space. It seems that he's disclosing things to you because you represent safety to him. I wonder how it would be if you continued to be friendly with him, and wrote down things that he says (only verbatim) using his own words only and dating each event could be very helpful in the future. If he ever needed help in the future knowing that your a friendly face could provide a sense of relief for him.

Unless you're a social worker I don't think you should be giving this kind of advice. I'm sure you have good intentions and I don't mean to be rude, but you sound naive. I've lived near druggy, petty criminal type neighbours a few times and it's not a good idea to get involved. OP has already contacted social services, I think she's already on the right track.

YANBU to not want your child to play with him.

YABU to call him a 'bad kid' and complain that he's not 'an angel' because he swears at his abusive parents who are also swearing at him.

I wonder if he is more interested in being in a 'normal' home, rather than playing with 2 and 3 year olds. Bless him, kids like this have such a tough start.

In your place I would take my 3 year old to lots of activities with other 3 year olds. I would not let son socialise with a child who was ride and swearing like that. Your son would just copy in time.

YANBU

Very understandable to not let your son play with him, but how many 3 year olds play with 7/8 year olds anyway on a regular basis. The way you talk about him is horrible though, he isn’t a bad toxic kid, just a young child with a horrible childhood coping the best he can. You don’t have to let your son play with him, just say he is too little but please be kind to the boy and don’t make him feel like the bad kid. Also report anything bad you witness

How do you know he’s 7/8? And why does him saying he’s 4 bother you? That’s a weird thing to fixate on.

He’s a child and you can do with yours as you please, but yes I think you are being really mean to a child.

You are doing all the right things, seemingly, including speaking to SS.
Calling him a 'bad' child in the title sounds pretty crappy, which is why you probably got some negative responses.
A lot of children who have had adverse life experiences are developmentally/emotionally younger than their peers, so that may be why he seeks the company of younger children.

Your responsibility is first and foremost to your own child and hell would freeze over before I’d let a small child play with a damaged and potentially neglected child that is much older. You are doing the right thing by reporting.

The poor child is quite clearly in a bad place but things won’t get better for him by allowing your 3 year old to play with him.

Damaged,toxic,bad ... fucking hell!!

Some people really do suck! At least they're not damaged eh?

He's demonstrating he's a casual liar, for one thing. I think a lot of the posters here must have led very sheltered lives and are being very judgemental about the OP. With drug addiction often comes criminality, stealing, lying, irresponsible and reckless behaviour, pushing people's boundaries, asking for money and other favours, violence etc. All these behaviours this poor kid could be learning from his parents. Not his fault, but you can hardly blame the OP for not wanting her 3 year old to be influenced by all that.

I’m not convinced a 7/8 year old would want to play with a 3 year old.

I AM convinced that a 7/8 year old living in an unsafe environment would use a 3 year old as an reason/excuse to connect with safe adults in his vicinity.

Indeed he has already disclosed or demonstrated to you:

• supplying alcohol to a minor
• truancy
• inappropriate behaviours (sexuality- asking if younger child has seen parents naked)
• no sense of boundaries with strangers (often a red flag for abuse)
• lack of adequate supervision

Perhaps this isn’t about your little boy, OP.

Perhaps this is about another little boy in a very difficult home situation, probably unconsciously trying to get some attention and intervention.

Of course you don’t need to let your little boy play with him, or be a friend to him. But perhaps you or your DH could be?

@Novelusername

He's demonstrating he's a casual liar, for one thing. I think a lot of the posters here must have led very sheltered lives and are being very judgemental about the OP. With drug addiction often comes criminality, stealing, lying, irresponsible and reckless behaviour, pushing people's boundaries, asking for money and other favours, violence etc. All these behaviours this poor kid could be learning from his parents. Not his fault, but you can hardly blame the OP for not wanting her 3 year old to be influenced by all that.

I was in a similar situation years ago and let the child (a girl) round to play with my DD. It's a shame because she (the girl) was a cheery wee bubble, but - because of her family life and the way her folks were - she had absolutely no normal boundaries: she would try the front door and let herself in; I'd find her in our garden hanging about first thing in the morning; would take our pets out of their cages without asking; couldn't get her to leave - that sort of thing). I'd say you're right to be cautious OP. I have a habit of getting into things that I then regret and can't easily extricate myself from!

Some folk on here are full of it. Nice middle class mum's saying they'd let their kids knock about with

YANBU I wouldn't let my child play with him. You can feel pity and concern for him and still want to protect your son from what could be a toxic influence.

John Thompson & Robert Venables came from similarly toxic backgrounds, with on and off social care intervention.

There is an enormous age gap between your son and this child. I think you're doing the right thing: keeping a watchful eye on this child for his own well-being, reporting your concerns and keeping your son safe from what could be - best case scenario - a poor role model for your child.

How could you call a poor child a “toxic influence” ?
He’s had a shit start in life and probably hasn’t got a clue what “good behaviour” is. Your a grown woman and your calling that poor boy a “bad kid” you should be ashamed of yourself, you sound toxic yourself

@Embracelife

But stop calling him a bad kid He isn't He may be acting out because of bad parenting Don't blame the kid

Agree with this! But no, YANBU, can see where you are coming from. Especially if his parents let him drink (he could be making this up but would make me worry about the environment he's living in).

Oh OP, I just RTFT, you are not vile and your question is coming from a good place! I'm sorry you're caught up in this situation, it's so sad.

bambootle I used to let a couple of kids like this play in my garden before the landlord put a fence put up. Like you've said, they have no normal boundaries, they used to just climb over and nick stuff out of my garden. Unfortunately addicts only see people for what they can use them for and this attitude will be passed on to the kid. I hope he can get taken out of the toxic environment but it's not on the OP to endanger her small child and potentially get herself involved in other people's hectic lives, she's called SS it's more than a lot of people would do. Some people just like being sanctimonious.

You're not unreasonable OP. We had a similar issue when we moved house with DS1 who was aged 6 at the time. There was a boy across the road aged 4 who quickly latched on to him and wanted to play with him all the time. When we first saw the family they were smartly dressed, the father and one of the older boys in suits, we thought they must have a family business. (It is a naice road) We soon realised that they must have been in court that day.

The child had no manners, swore like a trooper, thought everything in the street including our plants, belonged to the council and were available to be destroyed. One day when a few children in the street wanted to play cricket he came out with a pickaxe handle covered in dents with 'jaw-breaker' painted on it! I was forever saying "we don't use that word in this house" "We always say please and thank you" "We don't hit." "We don't kick the cat."

But he tried to do as I asked and he would spend hours just sitting, watching me bake and decorate cakes. I was horrified to find that he had the latest power rangers gun but had never seen lego. When I mentioned to his sister that he had never seen lego she said it was too dear, but she had just spent £26 buying him absolute tat (I didn't mention that) I felt sorry for him.

Both mother and sister were pregnant and they would send him over to us without asking and go to bed for hours, another son turned up after working away (in prison) and within a week my car was stolen. We ignored all that but the last straw came when my son was playing with another boy his own age and this boy got the pickaxe handle and tried to knock him off his bike. Three times I saw him do it and three times as I was going over to talk to him I saw his sister talk to the boys. In the end I called my DS in and asked if the sister had apologised. "no." he said "She told me I wasn't allowed to play with anyone else and that I couldn't upset her because she was pregnant."

I was so angry I went over and didn't mince my words and my DS was never allowed to play with him again. The point I am making is that these people will take your kindness as weakness and throw it in your face and they will use you. It's sad for their child but you can't save him from them.

@ToddlerMum91
He's not a 'bad' kid he's a kid who's been dealt a rotten hand in life and is sad not bad.
You sound horrible, shame he's not got someone kind next door who'd take action from afar, rather than worry about her own child mixing with the 'wrong sort'

[quote Littlefluffyclouds13]@ToddlerMum91
He's not a 'bad' kid he's a kid who's been dealt a rotten hand in life and is sad not bad.
You sound horrible, shame he's not got someone kind next door who'd take action from afar, rather than worry about her own child mixing with the 'wrong sort'
[/quote]
OP is taking action. She's in touch with SS , which is a lot more than a lot of the posters on this thread would do.

I wouldn’t let him anywhere near your kid.

"The point I am making is that these people will take your kindness as weakness and throw it in your face and they will use you. It's sad for their child but you can't save him from them." Sadly, I agree with this and the people who are busy chastising the OP just sound like they've never had to navigate this for themselves.

It sounds as if this little boy needs a great deal of help, but that doesn't make you entirely responsible for him; your son has to be your priority, but I can understand your concerns.
Is it possible to work out what school he is meant to be attending? (easier in some areas than others, I know). If he has only recently been returned to the care of his parents, there may well be somebody at his new school who has been primed to keep an eye on his welfare, and as well as letting social services know what is going on, you could alert his school to the fact that he is not absent because of illness.
Sadly, I have known needy children to breeze into the system, then breeze out again when school started casting what the parents felt was too beady an eye over their domestic arrangements.