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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Refusing to let 3 year old play with bad kid..

116 replies

ToddlerMum91 · 22/04/2021 18:00

My son is just turned 3. We recently got new neighbours. It was clear from the get go that they had "habits" we didn't and the company they keep frequented the local pharmacies... If we're all on the same page...

They have a son who is around 7/8 years old and I refuse to let my son play with him and some friends think I'm being unreasonable. To explain, his parents recently got him back into their care after social work intervention. He asks my husband (who is always in the garden with our son) if he 'likes buckfast, because his mum and dad do and they let him drink it'. He asked if my son can say words like 'bum' and 'boobs' and 'poop' etc. He constantly leaves mess in the communal hall. He swears. He waits until our adjoining neighbours are out and helps himself to their garden and property. He tells people that he is 4 when he is 7/8 and is often not at school. When I asked him why he wasn't at school the other day, he said 'because they're off' - when they weren't. He has no sense of stranger danger, will talk to anyone on the street, stopping passers by. My other neighbour has asked him multiple times not to swear around her grandchildren. He's just ill behaved and I'm torn. On the one hand I feel terrible because he's in such a bad environment and he's been willingly out BACK into that environment by the social care system. But on the other hand, I'll be damned if I let my son be around him and the toxic influence. Do you think I'm being unreasonable??

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 23/04/2021 16:50

eatsleepread
To be fair to the OP, this child is lucky to have a neighbour like the OP who has said she treats him kindly, wouldn't be awful to him, and who keeps an eye out in order to report all safeguarding concerns to social services.
She's being quite fair and level headed. If this poor child was living somewhere else, he might have a neighbour of the mindset I've seen on here regularly where reporting to social services is apparently beign nosy, sticking your nose in, being judgey, a sign someone thinks they're a perfect parent, keep out of it because you don't know the family's situation etc.

Chunkyetfunky90 · 23/04/2021 17:05

@LolaSmiles
Hit the nail on the head !

OnlyheretovoteonAIBU · 23/04/2021 17:12

I’m willing to bet that the posters lecturing the OP and calling her names would soon change their tune if it was their child involved with this boy.

Bad is not the right term though, badly behaved maybe. Reporting neglect to social services is as far as OPs obligations to him go as a neighbour. While it’s sad she is not responsible for him and her own child is understandably her priority here.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 23/04/2021 17:13

@OnlyheretovoteonAIBU

I’m willing to bet that the posters lecturing the OP and calling her names would soon change their tune if it was their child involved with this boy.

Bad is not the right term though, badly behaved maybe. Reporting neglect to social services is as far as OPs obligations to him go as a neighbour. While it’s sad she is not responsible for him and her own child is understandably her priority here.

And to be fair to the OP, other posters have used much worse language and they're not even personally involved.
Scarlettpixie · 23/04/2021 17:22

Most people aren’t saying you should allow your 3yo to play with the boy but they are taking exception to you calling him a bad kid.

If he is telling his mum to go fuck herself and she is responding in kind this just shows where he has learned it from. It isn’t his fault no one has taught him how to behave properly. He needs understanding not avoiding.

I would probably let them play together if they are outside abd being supervised and I would pull him up if he said anything inappropriate. There is no need to be in and out of each other’s houses. Just say your son is too little.

Iwantanap · 23/04/2021 17:56

I've lived next door to drug users and it's terrifying. You don't know what else is going on. I would stay friendly to the boy but not get involved and keep track of what's happening so you can share with the appropriate services. Our neighbours got worse. They lost the child, got raided by the police and after a long time 2 were arrested. I know they were armed and dealy drugs. My priority was my family and then watching out. You don't know how much worse it can get so be careful.
Agree that I would feel so sorry for the kid and looking out for him and staying friendly will help without impacting you. FWIW I would move

AuntyHope · 23/04/2021 18:14

I've had this when my DC were playing with some other DC who were growing up like this. Honestly I like to think I'm open minded and accepting and all that, and my heart does go out to those kids, the adults too actually, horrible home situations and lives. But when it comes to my DC nothing is going to Stop me from protecting and safeguarding them. I'm not going to put my DC in situations where they could be sexually or physically abused or witness things that could traumatise them. I try not to judge people EXCEPT when to not judge them would endanger me or my family. I am all about those gut instincts and when my bodies alarm system goes off then these days I listen to it. I would do everything I can for this poor boy, but not at the cost of sacrificing a 3 year olds safety and security.

eatsleepread · 23/04/2021 19:05

@Scarlettpixie

Most people aren’t saying you should allow your 3yo to play with the boy but they are taking exception to you calling him a bad kid.

If he is telling his mum to go fuck herself and she is responding in kind this just shows where he has learned it from. It isn’t his fault no one has taught him how to behave properly. He needs understanding not avoiding.

I would probably let them play together if they are outside abd being supervised and I would pull him up if he said anything inappropriate. There is no need to be in and out of each other’s houses. Just say your son is too little.

That's the thing. Some of us took exception to how the OP referred to the boy. It wasn't so much about keeping the kids apart.
slashlover · 23/04/2021 19:16

His mental well being is of serious concern to me, but hearing him scream at his mum to 'go f&k herself' and the mum reciprocating in kind doesn't exactly make me believe that he's an angel.*

He's being abused OP.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 23/04/2021 19:21

I don't think its reasonable to blame the age gap. DS is 4 and adores his cousins who are 8 and 9, always has.

However yanbu. Your first duty is to protect your own child and it's not in his best interest to spend time with this older child. I would be ringing social services to mention that he's saying he's got access to alcohol etc though but from a place of concern, as you are.

PerspicaciousGreen · 23/04/2021 19:53

If my 3yo wanted to play with him, I'd consider it. I don't think the age gap thing is that weird at all. I'm sure siblings or cousins with that age gap could enjoy each others company and no one would bat an eyelid.

I'd try having him over for planned, supervised playdates with planned, supervised activities and be very clear about what behaviour was acceptable in our house and not be afraid to say sternly "We don't use those words in our house" or whatever.

However, ultimately, I don't think it's at all unreasonable to want to protect your young child from unsuitable influences. If the 7yo couldn't or wouldn't follow our rules about language and behaviour around my 3yo, I would stop the playdates. I might feel bad about it, if I felt like we were the only friends the 7yo had, but my own child's welfare has to come first.

Biffbaff · 23/04/2021 20:05

If this were my neighbour, I would feel sorry for the kid and report what I needed to, but I also wouldn't be doing play dates or anything like that with my toddler. With the comments the boy has made about drinking and nudity it seems like these kind of statements are intended to be shocking and raise concern so it seems he is reaching out for the safety and boundaries he is lacking. It's desperately sad. You're being responsible by doing what you can RE SS and protecting your own child's wellbeing.

TedisnotH · 23/04/2021 20:13

Why does the OP have to #bekind, and take any action, or responsibility for this child? She has said she is observing and reporting to SS, why on earth should she sacrifice her time, her effort and the potential safety and wellbeing of her own child, in order to supervise or teach this other child how to behave?
Why is it expected to be her job?

MMMarmite · 23/04/2021 20:20

Just in terms of why he says he's 4 and wants to play with toddlers, regression and acting below your age is a common effect of childhood trauma. Sad

Chunkyetfunky90 · 23/04/2021 20:23

@TedisnotH

Why does the OP have to #bekind, and take any action, or responsibility for this child? She has said she is observing and reporting to SS, why on earth should she sacrifice her time, her effort and the potential safety and wellbeing of her own child, in order to supervise or teach this other child how to behave?
Why is it expected to be her job?

☝🏻 Exactly this

PerspicaciousGreen · 23/04/2021 21:11

She doesn't have to, but I'd make an attempt to facilitate a friendship my 3yo was keen on in order to make him happy. Not if 3yo wasn't interested, but if he liked the 7yo I'd see if we could make it happen.

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