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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Refusing to let 3 year old play with bad kid..

116 replies

ToddlerMum91 · 22/04/2021 18:00

My son is just turned 3. We recently got new neighbours. It was clear from the get go that they had "habits" we didn't and the company they keep frequented the local pharmacies... If we're all on the same page...

They have a son who is around 7/8 years old and I refuse to let my son play with him and some friends think I'm being unreasonable. To explain, his parents recently got him back into their care after social work intervention. He asks my husband (who is always in the garden with our son) if he 'likes buckfast, because his mum and dad do and they let him drink it'. He asked if my son can say words like 'bum' and 'boobs' and 'poop' etc. He constantly leaves mess in the communal hall. He swears. He waits until our adjoining neighbours are out and helps himself to their garden and property. He tells people that he is 4 when he is 7/8 and is often not at school. When I asked him why he wasn't at school the other day, he said 'because they're off' - when they weren't. He has no sense of stranger danger, will talk to anyone on the street, stopping passers by. My other neighbour has asked him multiple times not to swear around her grandchildren. He's just ill behaved and I'm torn. On the one hand I feel terrible because he's in such a bad environment and he's been willingly out BACK into that environment by the social care system. But on the other hand, I'll be damned if I let my son be around him and the toxic influence. Do you think I'm being unreasonable??

OP posts:
Unihorn · 22/04/2021 20:43

[quote Littlefluffyclouds13]@ToddlerMum91
He's not a 'bad' kid he's a kid who's been dealt a rotten hand in life and is sad not bad.
You sound horrible, shame he's not got someone kind next door who'd take action from afar, rather than worry about her own child mixing with the 'wrong sort' Hmm
[/quote]
There is very little action that can be taken in such situations by the actual authorities whose job it is to deal with it, let alone the OP as a neighbour.

In some families heavy drug use and anti-social/criminal behaviour will have spanned several generations. It is very sad but it is a way of life for some people, and they unfortunately continue to pass it on to their children.

The OP is right to be wary. Older children in abusive situations can quite easily prey on younger children because it's all they know.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 22/04/2021 20:59

YANBU to not want your DS playing with him but YABVU to call him a "bad kid." He has been taught this behaviour by his parents and he needs help, not to be labelled a "bad kid."

JeffreyJefferson · 22/04/2021 21:01

he is not a ‘bad kid’ Sadyou sound horrible. a three year old wouldn’t play with a seven year old anyway. nothing to do with him or his parents

Cipot · 22/04/2021 21:07

I would just politely say no, he's too young to come out and play. But if you're ever worried about his welfare, call SS.

gah2teenagers · 22/04/2021 23:15

Everyone is getting het up by the bad kid label and missing the point completely. He is being “made bad” within his environment and the OP needs to firstly project her child and secondly report report report to try and save this poor child.

spicysechuan · 22/04/2021 23:30

@Dustyhedge

Your responsibility is first and foremost to your own child and hell would freeze over before I’d let a small child play with a damaged and potentially neglected child that is much older. You are doing the right thing by reporting.

The poor child is quite clearly in a bad place but things won’t get better for him by allowing your 3 year old to play with him.

This.
sst1234 · 22/04/2021 23:35

@elenacampana

I think you’re being vile, not just unreasonable.
Oh the hysterics and hyperbole.
Planningobjection · 22/04/2021 23:41

You don’t sound horrible OP. I wouldn’t use the words bad kid to describe him but you’re not horrible to want to protect your child from these behaviours.
We were in a similar situation, my DS was 4 and other child was 9. Other child sounds to have had a similar upbringing to the child you describe. We let him play with DS under very close supervision and were very quick to interject if any negative behaviour or words came out, we sent him home regularly too. He still occasionally comes round at 12 but only a couple of times a year.
My advice is to report any concerns. The questions about asking if he’s seen you naked etc. The comment of he’s no angel because he told his Mum to go fuck herself, put it this way, that’s likely what he’s heard since a baby, he knows no different so doesn’t know it’s bad. If the person who is supposed to love him and protect him above anyone else says that to him how will he know it’s wrong.
Poor little boy. He likely wants to play with your son because he’s so isolated from not being taken to school. What chance does he have if his parents don’t improve and he has to stay there. Put yourself in his shoes to understand his behaviour but above all else your priority is your son.

Planningobjection · 22/04/2021 23:43

You other posters calling OP vile and being abusive to her should go put your #bekind t-shirts back on!!!

paralysedbyinertia · 22/04/2021 23:47

I don't think you should let your dc play with this boy if you are not comfortable with it. He doesn't sound like the kind of influence that you would want around a small child. There is a significant age difference between him and your ds in any case.

However, I voted YABU because you called him a "bad kid". He isn't a bad kid, he is a kid in a bad environment.

EmeraldShamrock · 22/04/2021 23:49

Yanbu. His situation is awful but you allowing your DC learn from him won't help him, there's lots of tag on DC around here starving for adult interaction, asking for drinks , looking for attention etc it's not my problem anymore, I'm heading out daily this summer.

DenisetheMenace · 22/04/2021 23:50

Why the angst? 3 year olds don’t generally play with 7 year olds anyway.

Nsky · 22/04/2021 23:53

You have done wrong, and are wise to be concerned

Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/04/2021 07:41

@Planningobjection

You other posters calling OP vile and being abusive to her should go put your #bekind t-shirts back on!!!
Yeah, I don't think many of us on here ever subscribed to the #bekind bullshit. It's just a way of telling women to be quiet and not have an opinion. We don't need to be patronised thanks.
Figgygal · 23/04/2021 07:44

The age difference would stop me regardless of everything else
A 3 year old and a 7/8 year old wouldn’t make good playing partners
That poor kid though

x2boys · 23/04/2021 07:48

How do you know ,they frequently visit the local pharmacy,or they recently got him back from care ?Hmm

Howshouldibehave · 23/04/2021 08:01

@x2boys

How do you know ,they frequently visit the local pharmacy,or they recently got him back from care ?Hmm
Yes, I wondered this. I presume they didn’t tell you any of this themselves, so who did?

And by saying they frequent the local pharmacies, do you mean they are on methadone?

I wouldn’t routinely have my 3 year old playing with a 7 year old-as that’s a pretty big age gap. If they were playing-I’d be there.

How is he in your garden-I don’t really get that? Do you all live in a block of flats together and have a shared garden?

He’s not a bad kid though, that’s a really horrible thing to say. None of this is his fault-he has clearly been dealt a shit hand in life and is trying to look around and see what other people’s lives are like.

PathOfLeastResitance · 23/04/2021 08:07

You don’t have to allow your child to play with anyone if you wish but please adjust your language when talking about another child. It sounds like his life is hard enough without a stranger labelling him.

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 23/04/2021 11:48

@ImTheWolfToday

There’s a big age difference so from that POV you’re not unreasonable. However, you are unreasonable calling him a bad kid, especially as you appear acutely aware of the bad environment he is living in. Please report your concerns to social services, regardless of the fact they’re already involved they need as much information as possibly to be able to support effectively.
Agree with this. Don't call a disadvantaged 7 year old who's been in care "bad".
skirk64 · 23/04/2021 11:55

YANBU. He is a "bad kid" in the sense it might not be his fault, but he is the product of how he has been raised. Part of raising your own children is keeping them apart from bad influences like this.

It's weird by the way a 7yo would even want to play with a 3yo. Creepy in fact. Maybe it's "just" that he's immature, but there could well be an abusive element to it too, so best keep him away for that reason also.

In summary: lots of good reasons to keep him away, not a single good reason not to.

Chunkyetfunky90 · 23/04/2021 12:26

Fwiw op I don’t think you are vile or horrible, your reporting what you see/know, you are not bu to keep your child away from him.

NorksFromThaNorth · 23/04/2021 12:30

@GiveMeTulipsfromAmsterdam

The age difference means your 3 year old wouldn't normally play with unless happy.

You are wrong to label him a bad kid. He has a difficult family background he is a child and not his fault.

Poor child, imagine going through life in that family and probably also neglected etc and people label him bad. I feel for him. We aren't all born with equal chances in life.

I get this and agree the poor kid shouldn't be demonized but OP needs to put the needs of her child first.
NorksFromThaNorth · 23/04/2021 12:40

@ToddlerMum91

We have never been unkind to him or his parents. I'd like to make that clear. His mental well being is of serious concern to me, but hearing him scream at his mum to 'go f*&k herself' and the mum reciprocating in kind doesn't exactly make me believe that he's an angel. I might sound judgemental but I don't know how else to out that your neighbours are doing drugs, as they do not hide it, and you don't want your child or family around that??
hearing the mum respond in kind

He is a child of 7. What is his mum's excuse?!!

Tal45 · 23/04/2021 13:32

If SS have decided to send him back what can you do? Apart from reporting what he says to you - but then if his parents find out/work it out they might bring trouble to your door. I'd be very wary and have as little to do with them as possible, it's terrible for their son but you have to put the safety of your family first. Hopefully SS and his school will be keeping a close eye on him.

eatsleepread · 23/04/2021 16:40

Every child deserves a champion, and this child has no one. This saddens me. Even his neighbour doesn't want to know.
Don't for one minute think that he will be oblivious to the fact that he's different to the 'normal' folk that surround him. The daily battle of trying to fit in - and failing - will be hell on earth.
He has been dealt a shit hand from the moment he had the misfortune to be born. I understand you not wanting him to play with your son. But please don't stop looking out for the boy, and treating him as a fellow human being.

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