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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Refusing to let 3 year old play with bad kid..

116 replies

ToddlerMum91 · 22/04/2021 18:00

My son is just turned 3. We recently got new neighbours. It was clear from the get go that they had "habits" we didn't and the company they keep frequented the local pharmacies... If we're all on the same page...

They have a son who is around 7/8 years old and I refuse to let my son play with him and some friends think I'm being unreasonable. To explain, his parents recently got him back into their care after social work intervention. He asks my husband (who is always in the garden with our son) if he 'likes buckfast, because his mum and dad do and they let him drink it'. He asked if my son can say words like 'bum' and 'boobs' and 'poop' etc. He constantly leaves mess in the communal hall. He swears. He waits until our adjoining neighbours are out and helps himself to their garden and property. He tells people that he is 4 when he is 7/8 and is often not at school. When I asked him why he wasn't at school the other day, he said 'because they're off' - when they weren't. He has no sense of stranger danger, will talk to anyone on the street, stopping passers by. My other neighbour has asked him multiple times not to swear around her grandchildren. He's just ill behaved and I'm torn. On the one hand I feel terrible because he's in such a bad environment and he's been willingly out BACK into that environment by the social care system. But on the other hand, I'll be damned if I let my son be around him and the toxic influence. Do you think I'm being unreasonable??

OP posts:

TheYearOfSmallThings · 22/04/2021 18:23

Presumably those who think it is okay are the ones doing cocaine at the weekend, middle class mum style.

I don't believe anyone posting here would be so understanding and relaxed if they were the ones dealing with this family. They would be worried and would fully recognise the risk posed by this troubled 8 year old to their 3 year old.

Sendsystemsucks · 22/04/2021 18:23

That poor boy, he isn't a bad kid.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/04/2021 18:24

It was clear from the get go that they had "habits" we didn't and the company they keep frequented the local pharmacies... If we're all on the same page... I think you might bu just for this. This is an anonymous forum. You're an adult. You can use the grown up words. No one needs to wink to clarify meaning.

Tell DH to say to him sorry, he's a bit too little to play with you still. Notify SS when he's being put in danger.

He isn't a bad kid. He's a troubled kid being parented badly

nimbuscloud · 22/04/2021 18:25

Hopefully SS will intervene.

weebarra · 22/04/2021 18:26

It's really difficult and I don't think you're vile. To be fair, I wouldn't let a 3 year old play with even the best behaved 7 year old unsupervised.
It's good that you're getting in touch with SW, that wee boy sounds like he's got a really tough home life. If he's living in a home where people swear at him, he will swear back. If he's not taken to school, he won't go.

MrMeSeeks · 22/04/2021 18:26

Im torn but no i do not think yabu. I do feel desperately sorry for him
Keep reporting op.

bloodywhitecat · 22/04/2021 18:26

That little boy is being failed by all of the adults in his life. Poor kid.

Alwaystired4 · 22/04/2021 18:27

I don't let my two kids play with the kids on our street. They shout and swear and are out unattended all the time. I tell my two that we don't play with kids like that. I don't want mine hanging out with anyone badly behaved whilst I can prevent it. I think you're totally in your rights to stay away from them wherever and whenever possible! Alot of people on here are quite grumpy and miserable I'm not sure why people reply so negatively it isn't necessary xxx

dannydyerismydad · 22/04/2021 18:27

I wouldn't encourage my DS to fork a friendship with a child 4 years older than him (and would be surprised if that child would tolerate being around such a young child on a regular basis).

I would be a friendly welcoming face to that boy though when you pass him in the street or communal areas. It sounds like he needs a grown up in his life who cares.

And I would raise any safeguarding issues with Social Services.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/04/2021 18:29

Mid your DH is out with your DS on the garden can he not include him when he's there? If he says anything inappropriate close down the conversation or come in. Surely it's harder and more likely to get a negative reaction if DH is in the garden with DS and he's trying to keep this poor kid away from him?

toiletbrushholder · 22/04/2021 18:32

Please report the concerning comments and things you have heard or witnesses to social services, the child needs your help and social workers need to know. And yes limit your 3 year olds contact with him, but as someone else said at 3 you're supervising him at all times so can't see it's a huge issue. The biggest issue here is you need to protect this child by contacting social workers.

LuaDipa · 22/04/2021 18:35

I feel for that poor damaged little boy and am so glad that you are reporting all of this. He needs love, care, attention and boundaries. He is just mimicking what he has seen and doesn’t know any better. I am appalled that he would be sent back into that environment.

I’m very torn because I wouldn’t have wanted my own three year old to hear things like that but I’m not sure I could turn him away. Everyone else has let him down so badly. I don’t envy you op, I hope you manage to find a solution and that things improve for that child.

Looubylou · 22/04/2021 18:37

Hi, OP my first response got lost. You are absolutely right to protect your child. There may be even more risks than you are aware of - there often is when drugs are in the mix. I would not put my own child at risk. However, please do ring Children's Services re child's exposure to verbal abuse, drug taking adults, and any other type of neglect or abuse you suspect. They may have returned child to their care due to wool being pulled over their eyes. Wouldn't be the first time. Poor child is a result of his experiences and the behaviours he thinks are normal. Those calling you vile, might feel differently if their own pre schooler was the suggested sacrificial lamb

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 22/04/2021 18:37

Well done for being in touch with SS and keep reporting, comments, drugs etc everything you witness.

However, as your son is 3 he wouldn't play out in the road or be out unsupervised so I don't see how it's an issue.

Or do you mean that this boy comes to the fence/garden when your little one is outside with you/your DH and tries to join in?

That's a lot harder to manage and when I was in a similar situations I just imposed boundaries in language and behaviour myself. Happy to have him hang around if he really wanted to but he'd get told off for inappropriate language/behaviour.

LeftFootBackFoot · 22/04/2021 18:38

Clichés, stereotypes...

What is that smell...

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 22/04/2021 18:39

Well to be entirely honest I wasn't always happy to have him around, because I wanted to do my own thing with my own kid .

MarcelinesMa · 22/04/2021 18:39

I wouldn’t have thought this boy would have much in common with a 3 year old. Sounds like he’s lonely which makes sense- not going to school regularly, everyone avoids him and by the sounds of it he struggles socially. He’s not a bad kid but he’s got a shit life by the sounds of it and I would absolutely report any concerns to NSPCC or social services who are possibly still involved with the family anyway.

In answer to your question no I don’t blame you for not wanting your child to play with this child. You have a bad feeling about him and he will pick up on that while in your company and feel lousy. That’s not me being harsh but realistic.

Sceptre86 · 22/04/2021 18:41

I feel for that child but you are doing the right thing by talking to social services about your concerns. Your immediate priority is your own child and there is nothing wrong with that. I would not allow my 3 year old to play with a 7 year old unsupervised and if the other child was swearing wouldn't let him at all. The other child isn't intrinsically bad, most likely but he is being failed by his parents and is acting poorly.

Embracelife · 22/04/2021 18:41

@ToddlerMum91

We have never been unkind to him or his parents. I'd like to make that clear. His mental well being is of serious concern to me, but hearing him scream at his mum to 'go f*&k herself' and the mum reciprocating in kind doesn't exactly make me believe that he's an angel. I might sound judgemental but I don't know how else to out that your neighbours are doing drugs, as they do not hide it, and you don't want your child or family around that??

Clearly he copies the parents

Bluntness100 · 22/04/2021 18:42

I think it’s fine for your child to not play wit him, I’m surprised you’re seeking approval for it and can’t call it yourself

However it is being unkind to him to call him the bad kid. That’s not nice, the boy may habe additional needs, or be being brought up in a chaotic environment, or many other concerns. So don’t call him that.

Novelusername · 22/04/2021 18:43

Ignore the people judging you, OP, they've probably never had to deal with this themselves and are imagining how incredibly superior they would be in handling this be in your place. I feel sorry for the lad and it's not his fault, but letting him be a bad influence on your much younger child isn't going to help him.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 22/04/2021 18:44

Mid your DH is out with your DS on the garden can he not include him when he's there?

Nope. I wouldn't be sending my 3 year old the message that this is a friend and a person he can trust.

I am sorry for this boy, but I knew and know families like this, and kids like this. Don't engage.

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 22/04/2021 18:44

You should be supervising a child that age the whole time anyway so whether or not I'd let my DS (also 3) play with an older boy would depend on the older child's behaviour and, if he was swearing, saying rude things and being silly, whether he stopped when I asked him to. Poor child, he does sound like he's being failed.

My 3yo has occasionally befriended (or tried to befriend) older children at the playground and it has worked well if the playground is quiet or the older child is young for their age. But I generally steer him towards children his own age as the older ones don't tend to want the littles about.

GratitudeGoddess · 22/04/2021 18:48

What I wondered is how the 7 year old boy looks at your relationship with you and your son and how he may witness that you represent safety. He may unconsciously be attaching himself to your son because you are being friendly and representing a safe space. It seems that he's disclosing things to you because you represent safety to him. I wonder how it would be if you continued to be friendly with him, and wrote down things that he says (only verbatim) using his own words only and dating each event could be very helpful in the future. If he ever needed help in the future knowing that your a friendly face could provide a sense of relief for him.

LolaSmiles · 22/04/2021 18:50

YANBU to not want your 3 year old to play with an older child who behaves in a way that's inappropriate, and it's good that you're passing on any safeguarding concerns to social services.

However, this poor child has clearly been exposed to things that are inappropriate or illegal, have been in care because their parents were deemed incapable of keeping them safe, and this all counts as childhood trauma. Calling him a bad kid is quite unpleasant, but it's good you've taken that on board.

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