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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not beleive that a women not breast feed is selfish and using 'i couldnt' as an excuse?

448 replies

aleciawalton · 12/11/2007 23:20

im a mum of 1 who bf till 15 months, and now pregnant with second and will bf. i also am a breast friend and took training to support mums who are bfeeding. ( learned how milk is produced, history, attachment...)

i just think that too many women use 'i couldnt bf' as an excuse. its only been in the last 50 to 60 years bottles and formula have been around. what happened back then??? did more then 50% of the babys die? no cuase back then 99% women breast fed! why could they do it then and not now???
i just feel it a cop out and the mums are just being selfish.
yes its hard, but so was labour, so raising a kid. however they choise to have the baby. i know it takes time and comittment and not having that all important wine drink. but i personaly think that its for how long??? if i can give my child the best start and yes it can take a year or 2 but is my child not worth it??
if some one said to you while prego you have a choise to either have your baby and make your child as healthy as it can be or just have the baby, what would you want? why do we give the baby vitamine K, if not to help the baby be healthy. would you not get your baby vaccinated?

sorry just makes me mad. when i hear my nipples hurt and thats cant be normal so i stopped. or babys 3 weeks old and wanted feeding all the time so it ment i didnt have enough milk so i stopped. or there's a xmas party i want to go to so im not going to bf. the exuces go one. i really love the one 'bf is not natural, its disusting'. WTF were breast made for then and why does milk come out of them???

OP posts:
NoNameToday · 13/11/2007 18:36

Breast feeding is such a sore point for some people isn't it? and it isn't only to do with sore nipples!

For those who successfully breast feed, it's great, I'm not saying it's ever easy, but if ultimately a mum succeeds, then I have nothing but respect and admiration for her.

For those who try to breastfeed, but for whatever reason are not successful, they also have my respect and admiration.

Those who choose to artificially feed for whatever reason, and sometimes they do not have a choice, also have my respect and admiration.

It is not for other people to determine how mothers should feed their babies, particularly when all relevent facts aren't known

Yes breast milk is usually better for the baby, but breast feeding is not necessarily best for the mother or baby in every given situation!

Why should any mother who chooses or actually needs to give her baby formula have to justify to anyone else her reasons for doing so?

kittock · 13/11/2007 18:39

Seriously though - is no-one else worried that the OP has been "trained" in breastfeeding support and has managed to come out of it with this level of ignorance?

Does anyone know what this "breast friends" thing is (apart from Alecia herself who has obviously now had to go into hiding)?

donnie · 13/11/2007 18:41

ridiculous thread - can't be arsed to read it and TBH cannot decipher half of the OP as the poster is clearly retarded and illiterate.

LoveAngelGabriel · 13/11/2007 18:42

((sniggers in immature fashion))

NoNameToday · 13/11/2007 18:43

I have heard of breast feeding 'buddies' in some areas, but I don't think they are trained, just supportive mums who have breast fed.

NoNameToday · 13/11/2007 18:44

donnie, that may be a bit unfair, the OP could possibly be dyslexic.

donnie · 13/11/2007 18:49

no - she is thick trust me. To state that 50 years ago "99% of women breastfed" is deeply stupid.

LoveAngelGabriel · 13/11/2007 18:49

((sniggers again))

harpsichordsahoy · 13/11/2007 18:53

I spoke to someone yesterday - a successful bf who struggled with mastitis - and she said that learning to bf is like learning to ice skate.
I think that's an interesting analogy.
in the current culture, we expect women to learn to "ice skate"
they often haven't even seen someone ice skate
they don't know how to put the skates on
they have never been to the ice rink
someone might show them how to do it in a classroom with some photos several weeks in advance
then they might plonk them on the ice and give them a shove, and then bugger off.and the woman is still exhausted from birth and in pain, with stitches and bleeding etc etc
and it hurts, even if you are doing it right, at the beginning. but you are on your own in the ice rink getting cold and bruised.
is it any wonder that 90% of women who give up, say it was before they wanted to?
if the bf culture in this country hadn't become so messed up, we would all have been watching other women ice skate from before we could even remember, and have lots of women, experienced women, around when we need them to help us.
except of course it isn't ice skating, which is rather jolly but dones't really matter.
but bf does matter and women know it.
what a mess we have made of early parenting, and birth come to that.

JeremyVile · 13/11/2007 18:55

Good analogy
I chose roller-blades!!

harpsichordsahoy · 13/11/2007 18:56

yes, or even just, you know, walking

Ineedacleaner · 13/11/2007 18:58

LoveAngelGabriel I totally agree that not everyone falls in love with motherhood and I totally agree that women should not be made to feel bad for whatever choices they made, I ff dd and bf ds for various reasons and to some they may not be valid but to me they were very important. What I was meaning was that I would find it much easier if the women I mentioned actually stopped making excuses and just said I chose to do whatever it is. IT is belitteling the women on here that have genuinely struggled for whatever reason and it is those excuses that make people like the OP think the way she does rather than believe that this is a genuine plight for so many women.

It is a bit like my MIL she has so many "ailements" that I instantly doubt every new one that she announces now. The OP has naievely assumed that after hearing so mahy excuses that the actual genuine problems are rare than they are.

Santasmissyontheside · 13/11/2007 18:58

donnie!

JeremyVile · 13/11/2007 19:03

If you believe that some women say they 'cant' when in fact they 'choose' not to, then maybe you should look at why they may feel it's more socially acceptable to say they tried but failed than to be honest.

(That's not even touching on why you might assume to know enough about a womans choice/experience to assume she is making it up in the first place ).

manchita · 13/11/2007 19:03

JV, I think what the OP meant by the above quote was that she knew it was hard to breastfeed but even in extreme circumstances women had persevered and the that the women she was complaining about were the ones that gave up without even really trying.
Her OP was clumsy and could be interpreted as insulting but I agree with you, I don't think it was aimed at the women who had given it their best shot.

JeremyVile · 13/11/2007 19:03

If you believe that some women say they 'cant' when in fact they 'choose' not to, then maybe you should look at why they may feel it's more socially acceptable to say they tried but failed than to be honest.

(That's not even touching on why you might assume to know enough about a womans choice/experience to believe she is making it up in the first place ).

emzzzzz · 13/11/2007 19:04

FFS
I am so mad!!!!
How DARE you criticise others for not being able to breastfeed.
I tried for 3 weeks to feed my DD, my milk dried up, and she ended up dehydrated as a result!!!

I tried everything I could as I really wanted to feed her myself.
I even got postnatal depression as a result of feeling like a failure.
The pressure put on me by people like YOU was immense.

I am still suffering with depression issues now, and DD is nearly 9, so don't you DARE have a go, for something that I, or others like me, couldn't help.

JeremyVile · 13/11/2007 19:05

(thought I stopped it in time to save myself the embarassment of having used two 'assumes' in one paragraph )

kittock · 13/11/2007 19:10

Harpsichord I agree with your analogy but in a lot of cases it's worse than that, because nobody seems to be able to diagnose problems like tongue-tie/thrush/mastitis when they occur. So it ends up being more like going out on the ice, slipping over and breaking your ankle, and then being told that the pain is just due to your own faulty technique.

NoNameToday · 13/11/2007 19:14

Having had 2 children who were totally formula fed... shock horror, (but my reasons were very valid for me at the time), as a midwife, I have supported and promoted breast feeding for the mothers who made that their choice.

I hope I have never made any mother feel inadequate because of her choice to artificially feed.

Spink · 13/11/2007 19:17

I (like many other people) had a horrible time bfing for the first 3 months.
Interesting, the talk of 'selfishness'. Honestly, it was for selfish reasons that I carried on - i was too proud to stop, I didn't want to 'give in'.
My beautiful ds got precious breastmilk, which of course is important. But I am not sure how good it was for him to be held by a crying, tense, frustrated, desperate mum, who dreaded every feed and counted the seconds each time.

I was lucky in that suddenly (and for no apparent reason) things changed. First of all, I used nipple shields, for a long time (and lied about it to my hv and gp). Then, when ds started refusing the shields (and I thought, right, bfing has to end now), it just got better.

But. I don't know that if I travelled back in time whether I would push us both for so long.. There is a massive emotional cost to continuing bfing through pain and through all those obstacles, both to the mother and the baby I think. It can be an incredibly difficult decision to make.

PrunersOfEight · 13/11/2007 19:18

God I am crap at ice-skating
That explains so much

manchita · 13/11/2007 19:22

JV I was trying to interpret a quote that someone sent you. I did not suggest that women
lied about anything, in fact the point I was making was similar to one you made earlier.
If you can be bothered to read any of my earlier posts my main message has been live and let live.

NoNameToday · 13/11/2007 19:23

Interesting you should say that about nipple shields Spink. I have had a few good arguments with 'breast feeding gurus' regarding the use of nipple shields.

Your statement that you had to lie to the HV and GP says a lot.

Surely it is better for a baby to have breast milk by whatever method?

kittock · 13/11/2007 19:26

LOL Pruners - me too!