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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

A professor dating an ex student, many years after

107 replies

forinborin · 22/04/2021 11:54

Do you think a professor dating his ex-student is inappropriate? The situation is as follows.

There has been a couple of years between the student's graduation and the relationship starting, both parties have been married to other people in between (now both divorced) and weren't in regular contact. The student was directly supervised / advised by the professor during the studies.

If you learned this about someone - would it make you question the credentials / award the student got from the university (e.g. a first/ a merit / a distinction)?

Asking for a friend (no, genuinely).

OP posts:

Angrypregnantlady · 22/04/2021 12:00

YABU I wouldn't think anything of it at all. Why would it be an issue? He's hardly groomed her has he?

PicaK · 22/04/2021 12:01

Nope. Not at all in that scenario.

Tal45 · 22/04/2021 12:01

I know someone who is married to someone who was previously his student. I don't think it's a huge issue - no more than the possibility of anyone having favourites and giving them better marks.

FizzyApricot · 22/04/2021 12:04

Fine and no wouldn't question the marks. It is unlikely the professor was solely responsible for marking her work.

SoddingWeddings · 22/04/2021 12:04

Christ no, why would anyone question their final results? It's based on averages over their last 2 years of work and exams, not shagging your dissertation supervisor.

FeelinHappy · 22/04/2021 12:04

Many years as per the title, or a couple of years as per your post? Big difference.

FizzyApricot · 22/04/2021 12:07

I would be quite surprised that both of their marriages were short and possibly be suspicious it had started sooner if it's only been a couple of years. But still fine as long as it started after she left.

TeeBee · 22/04/2021 12:08

I wouldn't question the marks at all. The faculty don't mark the final papers, they're sent to an exam board. Any contentious marks usually result in a viva.

Original poster

forinborin · 22/04/2021 12:08

@Angrypregnantlady

YABU I wouldn't think anything of it at all. Why would it be an issue? He's hardly groomed her has he?

No, no grooming, of course. And she (student) was a relatively mature student anyway, in her late 20s / early 30s. One of her coursemates accidentally met them together on the street and later dropped her a strange message along the lines "now we know how you got your marks haha". Presumably intended as a joke. She's a bit nervous now, I am trying to persuade her that it is her course mate who is weird, and the majority of people don't think like that.

OP posts:

Marinated · 22/04/2021 12:09

No - their grades would have been moderated by a second or even third person so unlikely the student would have benefited from 'results massaging.' by their now partner.
Sounds more like two divorcees with common intellectual interests which is fine.

sopuCat · 22/04/2021 12:09

It happens all the time which I think is a bit grim but some profs almost see it as a perk of the job to at least flirt with their younger female/male students. As a middle-aged female academic am a bit annoyed at it but also resigned to it as it happens all the time. But no it would not make me question the student's grades.

Silverfly · 22/04/2021 12:10

Would it make me question the credentials / award the student got from the university? - no.

Would it still feel slightly inappropriate? - yes.

Original poster

forinborin · 22/04/2021 12:10

@FeelinHappy

Many years as per the title, or a couple of years as per your post? Big difference.

Around 5-6 years, plus-minus... as in, not the next year after the graduation, but also not decades and decades. Sorry for the confusion.

OP posts:

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 22/04/2021 12:12

Not an issue. More than enough time between ending their professional relationship and starting personal one. No reason at all to question credentials. Academic work is second marked and externally moderated, so while it's possible for some manipulative academics to abuse power by implying they can control what grades and awards a student gets, usually it's a lot harder for them to actually do it in reality.

Academics tend to value academic ability most highly and rather than give a dim student a high grade we're more likely to fall madly in love with a very bright one!

idontlikealdi · 22/04/2021 12:13

I wouldn't think anything of it. They both managed to get divorced in time frame.

What are you concerned about?

newnortherner111 · 22/04/2021 12:13

I wouldn't question the exam outcome, but might question the relationship based on the ages and relationship history.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 22/04/2021 12:17

One of her coursemates accidentally met them together on the street and later dropped her a strange message along the lines "now we know how you got your marks haha".

That was an offensive and inappropriate thing to say. I don't know what the messaging equivalent is of a cold hard stare at the offender and "I beg your pardon?" , but that would be the right response.

dreamingbohemian · 22/04/2021 12:18

What is the age gap?
Even if he is no longer her professor, there can still be a lingering dynamic in the relationship that is a bit off

I would not personally think that's how she got her grades but I'm afraid to say a lot of people would probably jump to that conclusion

timeisnotaline · 22/04/2021 12:19

This is a total non issue surely? And tell her the grades answer is yes he snuck back into the system 6 years later and upgraded them for me. So sweet.

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 22/04/2021 12:20

Since university students are adults, I genuinely can’t see an issue with this. I do think it’s strange when a teacher dates a former student having known them as a child... Makes me feel uneasy.

Original poster

forinborin · 22/04/2021 12:21

@Silverfly

Would it make me question the credentials / award the student got from the university? - no.

Would it still feel slightly inappropriate? - yes.

Yes, I guess I am actually asking two separate questions, 1) would it make you question her academic result and 2) would it still feel slightly inappropriate, even if her results were not under any doubt. Thank you!

OP posts:

UCOinanOCG · 22/04/2021 12:21

One of my friends married her Phd supervisor shortly after she qualified. I worked with both of them and everyone knew they were romantically involved but is was never an issue. This was in the 1980's though!

Original poster

forinborin · 22/04/2021 12:22

@dreamingbohemian

What is the age gap? Even if he is no longer her professor, there can still be a lingering dynamic in the relationship that is a bit off

I would not personally think that's how she got her grades but I'm afraid to say a lot of people would probably jump to that conclusion

The age gap is around 20 years (mid30s / mid50s).

OP posts:

Disfordarkchocolate · 22/04/2021 12:22

Not at all. No room in my head for that sort of petty judgmental thinking.

Timper · 22/04/2021 12:22

Absolutely not. This is really not uncommon in academic circles.

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