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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A professor dating an ex student, many years after

107 replies

forinborin · 22/04/2021 11:54

Do you think a professor dating his ex-student is inappropriate? The situation is as follows.

There has been a couple of years between the student's graduation and the relationship starting, both parties have been married to other people in between (now both divorced) and weren't in regular contact. The student was directly supervised / advised by the professor during the studies.

If you learned this about someone - would it make you question the credentials / award the student got from the university (e.g. a first/ a merit / a distinction)?

Asking for a friend (no, genuinely).

OP posts:
paralysedbyinertia · 22/04/2021 12:23

I wouldn't think anything of it. In fact, I know a couple like this. He was her PhD supervisor. I don't actually know when they got together, but I have no reason to suppose that he behaved in anything other than a professional manner.

SirVixofVixHall · 22/04/2021 12:24

No I wouldn’t question her results, and no I don’t think the relationship is inappropriate. Both properly adult, getting together some time later, seems completely fine to me.

Original poster
forinborin · 22/04/2021 12:25

@AmaryllisNightAndDay

One of her coursemates accidentally met them together on the street and later dropped her a strange message along the lines "now we know how you got your marks haha".

That was an offensive and inappropriate thing to say. I don't know what the messaging equivalent is of a cold hard stare at the offender and "I beg your pardon?" , but that would be the right response.

Yes, she did not answer anything to it - but slightly disturbed at the thought that the coursemate actually meant it, and the gossip will spread and mutate and someone will decide to "report" it to the university as a cold proven fact, creating her boyfriend problems.
OP posts:
Judystilldreamsofhorses · 22/04/2021 12:27

No. I'm a lecturer, and everything is cross marked to make sure the process is robust. We actually mark blind with just student reference numbers on submissions rather than names, although obviously you get a feel for people's writing/know topics they have selected etc.

I have two colleagues who are married to former students - the colleagues were relatively young (early 30s), the students were "mature" (late 20s), and a number of years passed after graduation before they came into contact again at industry events.

FizzyApricot · 22/04/2021 12:28

Really out of order for them to say that to her. It is insulting to suggest her achievement is down to anything other than her ability. And they clearly have a shared common interest so I expect this happens a lot.

Candycane57 · 22/04/2021 12:32

Definitely wouldn't judge them. I'd also not immediately judge them even if there wasn't a gap between graduation and their relationship.

BestOption · 22/04/2021 12:35

Not a few years later. No. The person was just making a daft jokey comment.

IF she was a good friend, I'd be discussing the age gap. He's soon going to seem 'older' while she's in her prime

(I'm 52 & my bloke is almost 59 and he's definitely 'aged' faster than me this past couple of years & next year he'll be 60. I'll be 53. So technically not a big gap, but it's feeling it right now. And an even older bloke I used to go out with & still see socially is now 74. When we went out he was late 60's, I was late 40's and it was fine as he was still very sexy, fill of life, sociable etc, but he seems like an old man now.

I think she's over thinking the jokey comment though.

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 22/04/2021 12:37

Yes, she did not answer anything to it - but slightly disturbed at the thought that the coursemate actually meant it, and the gossip will spread and mutate and someone will decide to "report" it to the university as a cold proven fact, creating her boyfriend problems

5-6 years later the university isn't going to care one bit

IceSwallowCome · 22/04/2021 12:37

"One of her coursemates accidentally met them together on the street and later dropped her a strange message along the lines "now we know how you got your marks haha"."

It was a joke 🙄

Einszwei · 22/04/2021 12:38

That seems completely acceptable. A relationship between two consenting adults long after there was a student teacher relationship between them.

When I was at University one of the professors had an affair with an 18 year old student that started during a study trip...ended up divorcing his wife to marry her. Now THAT was inappropriate.

Original poster
forinborin · 22/04/2021 12:38

@TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN

Yes, she did not answer anything to it - but slightly disturbed at the thought that the coursemate actually meant it, and the gossip will spread and mutate and someone will decide to "report" it to the university as a cold proven fact, creating her boyfriend problems

5-6 years later the university isn't going to care one bit

Yes, that was what I thought too.
OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 22/04/2021 12:39

How odd, I’d not give it a second thought and I’d assume the texting friend was joking.

Original poster
forinborin · 22/04/2021 12:44

@Bluntness100

How odd, I’d not give it a second thought and I’d assume the texting friend was joking.
I also think it was a not very well thought out joke... however, it wasn't a close friend, she did not have any 1:1 contact with this coursemate at all since their graduation until now, only at reunion events. They have each others contact details as they are in the same old alumni chat group, and that is pretty much it. So quite a strange comment from, effectively, a stranger.
OP posts:
Love51 · 22/04/2021 12:45

One of the students in my group work group was shagging one of the PhD student supervisors from our faculty. The student was older than the supervisor. It wasn't against any rules.

Original poster
forinborin · 22/04/2021 12:47

@Einszwei

That seems completely acceptable. A relationship between two consenting adults long after there was a student teacher relationship between them.

When I was at University one of the professors had an affair with an 18 year old student that started during a study trip...ended up divorcing his wife to marry her. Now THAT was inappropriate.

Whoa! No, nothing of that kind here, they both already were divorced before meeting each other "again".
OP posts:
FizzyApricot · 22/04/2021 12:47

Pretty insulting joke to insinuate she couldn't get the grade on her own merit

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 22/04/2021 12:49

But there would be would be no "cold hard facts" to "report" just gossip and innuendo. And there is nothing to get anyone in trouble. I also know of a few ex tutor-student relationships/marriages over the years and it's not a problem. Your friend doesn't need to take this rude remark seriously. The ex-student who made it might have been trying to make a taseless joke, or else trying to put her down and belittle her achievements. Either way it only reflects badly on them, not her.

BeyondMyWits · 22/04/2021 12:55

It's just a joke, a put down, an insult... I worked in a male dominated field from the 70s to the late 90s and EVERY promotion was met with "which board member did you sleep with to get that one?"...

petty minded comments by insecure idiots. Would treat this comment just the same.

Mummytemping · 22/04/2021 12:59

No it wouldn't. I have a friend who was the student in a similar scenario. There definitely wasn't anything unusual about their work or grading at uni and the lecturer was no more friendly/helpful to her than to other students. Unless I knew specifically that they are been given special treatment I wouldn't question grades or make any negative assumptions about that.

Mummytemping · 22/04/2021 13:02

I probably would judge the age gap if I'm really honest but no more than I would generally (my friend was the same age roughly as our lecturer as a career changer).

Maggiesfarm · 22/04/2021 13:02

@Angrypregnantlady

YABU I wouldn't think anything of it at all. Why would it be an issue? He's hardly groomed her has he?
Exactly. They got together after she had left uni, they are two adults. It sounds fine.
ddl1 · 22/04/2021 13:04

Not a problem at all! The only issue I'd have, is that the professor should not write references for her. Otherwise, there's no ethical problem whatsoever.

Chewbecca · 22/04/2021 13:08

I’d say no, it’s absolutely fine.

But then I remembered I still wonder if Lisa Faulkener would have won Sleb MC if John Torode hadn’t been smitten with her. So I a bit of a hypocrite I guess.

youshallnotpass9 · 22/04/2021 13:08

Not knowing how university grades work, I might wonder it. But certainly wouldn't say anything out loud.

Plus side have learnt something new on this thread

CornishGem1975 · 22/04/2021 13:10

My friend is married one of our school teachers. They got together when she was about 20.