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Original poster

A professor dating an ex student, many years after

107 replies

forinborin · 22/04/2021 11:54

Do you think a professor dating his ex-student is inappropriate? The situation is as follows.

There has been a couple of years between the student's graduation and the relationship starting, both parties have been married to other people in between (now both divorced) and weren't in regular contact. The student was directly supervised / advised by the professor during the studies.

If you learned this about someone - would it make you question the credentials / award the student got from the university (e.g. a first/ a merit / a distinction)?

Asking for a friend (no, genuinely).

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HandsIntoTheFire · 22/04/2021 14:23

Isn’t that up to the 20/30/40 year old in question? It’s not ok to dictate who other adults can date. No one bats an eyelid about bosses dating their “subordinates” and neither they should. It’s no different.

Notjustanymum · 22/04/2021 14:26

Just guessing, the coursemate who questioned her grade didn’t do as well as the friend? How nasty is she? And age gaps of that size are not that uncommon...

sonjadog · 22/04/2021 14:29

Not a problem with dating an ex-student. Especially not 5-6 years afterwards! I think it was a joke.

Cocomarine · 22/04/2021 14:30

@Notjustanymum

Just guessing, the coursemate who questioned her grade didn’t do as well as the friend? How nasty is she? And age gaps of that size are not that uncommon...
Do you really think it was nasty? Not just a joke?
noisasentence · 22/04/2021 14:38

This happens all the time. I think it's fine provided they're not currently a student of that lecturer. When you consider the shared interests and the age of many young lecturers vs post graduate students, who often morph into lecturers and are other undergraduates' tutors, it gets difficult.

LolaSmiles · 22/04/2021 14:40

It wouldn't bother me. At the end of the day it's two adults who met each other and dated several years later.

Original poster
forinborin · 22/04/2021 14:41

@Notjustanymum

Just guessing, the coursemate who questioned her grade didn’t do as well as the friend? How nasty is she? And age gaps of that size are not that uncommon...
No one remembers really... my friend got a high distinction in her degree (postgrad), but doesn't remember what the classmate got, and was quite surprised that he even remembered her grade. For the full disclosure, I am also their classmate Grin, and very happy for her and the prof, they are a great couple, really, very well matched despite the age gap.
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SandyY2K · 22/04/2021 14:43

If she always got top marks or top grades in his subject and no others, then yes, I might wonder, but I'd never say anything to the individual

This actually reminds me of a thread I read online a few years ago. The professor was having an affair with his student. She was a mature student and as well as giving her good marks, he was in a position to influence other colleagues in relation to her being awarded a scholarship or funding of some sort and he did do that.

His wife was also a professor in the same field and when she reviewed the students work, she didn't believe it was of the standard to receive the award.

She said this was taking away the award from a student who was more deserving.

It's plausible that something may have happened when he was her professor.

SandyY2K · 22/04/2021 14:50

forinborin

I've sent you a PM.

CirclesWithinCircles · 22/04/2021 15:01

Going against the grain here. But it depends on whether he is using his job to meet women for dating. Did they meet again 2 years later and exchange numbers then, or did they only meet due to his job?
That would be inappropriate, as he is in a position of power over students, etc.. So yes, I do find it a bit icky, but then I'm a female academic and I would never date a former student. I don't think lecturers should use universities as a pool for dating students, and also where do you draw the line? If the student finishes their course in May, is it ok to date them in August?

I'd also wonder if this was the one you'd heard about; that there were other former students he had contacted and dated.

Planningobjection · 22/04/2021 15:04

The classmate is just a jealous dick. Nothing inappropriate but she’s obviously still upset about her mark.

Original poster
forinborin · 22/04/2021 15:06

It's plausible that something may have happened when he was her professor.
Possible, but I don't think so; I knew her from that time, she got married to her then-boyfriend, now ex-husband halfway through the degree year, and was (although not visibly yet) pregnant by the end of the course year. Having an affair with her advisor was probably not the top priority then, and she's not the type to cheat anyway.

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Original poster
forinborin · 22/04/2021 15:12

Going against the grain here. But it depends on whether he is using his job to meet women for dating. Did they meet again 2 years later and exchange numbers then, or did they only meet due to his job?
They met when she was back at uni in a professional capacity (eg being the company's representative at the grad recruiting fair). Went for a coffee after, clicked and the rest is history now (it has been almost two years now)

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DelBocaVista · 22/04/2021 15:14

it's really not an issue and as others have said work is moderated internally and externally.

I wouldn't question the marks at all. The faculty don't mark the final papers, they're sent to an exam board. Any contentious marks usually result in a viva.

This really isn't true. Exam boards will typically involve an external examiner but the rest of the board will be internal.
I mark all my students' work and then it's moderated by a colleague and looked at by an external examiner.

TaraR2020 · 22/04/2021 15:17

A complete non issue. Universities also have guidelines or rules about it, even relationships with current students aren't necessarily forbidden but need to be declared so that it can be ensured assessments remain fair - the tutor in question will have no involvement in marking.

Furthermore, a tutor, even if a regular lecturer isn't necessarily going to me marking work. Key pieces of work are also double marked eg dissertations and the final mark for that assignment will be mutually agreed. This is to ensure fairness across the board, especially because some academics are harsher markers than others.

SeaTurtles92 · 22/04/2021 15:21

No, crack on.

notacooldad · 22/04/2021 15:29

IF she was a good friend, I'd be discussing the age gap. He's soon going to seem 'older' while she's in her prime
If anyone said that to me my sister or my mum or nan we would tell you to keep your sticky beak out of our business as we all have age gap relationships. Just because it is an adult ex student doesn't give you the right to poke you nose in. In this case it sounds like the ex student is intelligent enough to realise whats involved with an age difference relationship!

Her classmate was being sleazy with that comment. A hard stare should have sufficed in return
A hard stare at the phone or computer! Yeah that would shut them up!😂😂

changi · 22/04/2021 15:37

The faculty itself makes up the exam board.

And at an exam board meeting the first question asked is "Raise your hand if you are shagging any of your students?"

changi · 22/04/2021 15:38

Or words to that effect.

CovidSmart · 22/04/2021 15:46

The ‘friend’ is weird.
Plus telling someone they got good Mark for sleeping with ONE of the tutors is crap. On a very practical level, that person wouldn't be the one person marking. They might even not have ever marked any papers from her.

I would hold my head high and ignore. If any more comment, I would put said ‘friend’ back in her place.

Original poster
forinborin · 22/04/2021 15:46

@changi

The faculty itself makes up the exam board.

And at an exam board meeting the first question asked is "Raise your hand if you are shagging any of your students?"

GrinGrin And I can imagine a bizarre sketch when everyone in the room immediately raises a hand, some people even both hands. In all seriousness now, obviously there are only two people who know the truth, but from what I know, I'd say it is highly, highly unlikely that there has been any secret affair at that time.
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sunflowertulip · 22/04/2021 15:47

I don't think it's inappropriate and wouldn't question the grades (unless he was her dissertation tutor or similar then I'd quietly wonder if she was given extra support but would never say anything).

GCAcademic · 22/04/2021 15:47

@changi

The faculty itself makes up the exam board.

And at an exam board meeting the first question asked is "Raise your hand if you are shagging any of your students?"

Yes, that is true, albeit phrased under the more polite term of "conflicts of interest". But it the poster I was responding to said that academics don't mark the final papers and that the students' work is sent to an exam board. Which is obviously not the case.

And I wouldn't necessarily trust the kind of academic who shags their students to raise their hand and declare a conflict of interest either.

CovidSmart · 22/04/2021 15:49

It's plausible that something may have happened when he was her professor.

And?? Does it matter?
All marking is moderated so she wouldn’t have been able to get great grades just because of that.
We have no idea if the guy was a tutor marking assessment.
And they are both consenting adults. You can even say he is prying on a vulnerable 18yo.

Time ot relax a bit I think.

Original poster
forinborin · 22/04/2021 15:49

@sunflowertulip

I don't think it's inappropriate and wouldn't question the grades (unless he was her dissertation tutor or similar then I'd quietly wonder if she was given extra support but would never say anything).
Yes, he was her dissertation supervisor, not sure whether he had marked any exam work directly. The dissertation was only a fraction of the final grade though.
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