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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you find this a bit hurtful? Autistic friend

123 replies

amibeingharsh · 21/04/2021 18:17

Mentioning my mate's autism because I can't bring up this niggle I have with her, because she'll get very distressed and upset and say she is still learning because of the autism. I know it would open a whole draining can of worms and I have zero energy for drama right now.

Mate reached out after a few months asking how i was. I'm alright but my mum was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer, which is obviously hard. My friend just says ah sorry to hear that and then starts banging on about her IBS and the fact she can't find a new cleaner.

I can't quite put my finger on why I find this hurtful, because she did after all acknowledge what I told her so maybe I'm being daft, but I just really feel like distancing myself from her. I have felt that in the past she's never very interested in anything with me - I'm genuinely interested in what she's up to, but it can start to feel one sided? But I could never broach it because she'll get very upset.

She is a lovely person, an old friend and I'm fond of her, but I'm just tired I think. So perhaps am not being fair. AIBU?

OP posts:

SandAndSea · 21/04/2021 18:20

People don't always know what to say in these situations. It sounds to me like she was trying to reach out and connect with you and maybe doesn't have much news at the moment??

PerhapsInchyraBlue · 21/04/2021 18:21

I think your final paragraph nails it. She said something nice about your mum's illness, which I feel is enough. Give yourself a break and recognise that lots of things will feel like massive issues just now. She meant well I'm sure.

Look after yourself though. I've been there and it nearly broke me.

Rosieposy89 · 21/04/2021 18:21

Sorry to hear about your mum. YANBU to find that hurtful, its completely dismissive and would hurt me too. Her autism may have influenced her response but that doesn't mean you can't feel hurt at a time you need support from a friend. I hope you have other support x

happytoday73 · 21/04/2021 18:22

She isn't providing what you need at the moment. But I'm not sure she is that capable....so you have two choice
a) accept her the way she is and speak to others for support about your mum
b) make some comment about not being that interested in her cleaner problens/ibs when trying to deal with mums stage 4 cancer.... This would give others a jolt but I'm not sure it would work with her

Sorry to hear about your mum... Big hugs to you

Original poster

amibeingharsh · 21/04/2021 18:22

Thank you. Yes, I feel quite sensitive.

OP posts:

BlackeyedSusan · 21/04/2021 18:24

yep, social and communication disabilities can be like that. she is going to communicate as a disabled person. it is different to NT people.

she did acknowledge that your mum is ill. what else did you want her to say? tell her something clearly such as I like it when people ask about mum and listen to how her treatment is going. make it bloody obvious that this is what you want her to do.

you would not expect a deaf person to hear you or a blind person to lip read, so don't eexpect someone with a communication disability to communicate like a NT person. if she is genuinely nice otherwise then it is likely to be a disbaility thing.

username12345T · 21/04/2021 18:24

'Sorry to hear that' is something someone who doesn't know you would say out of politeness, not a friend. A friend asks if there is anything they can do and asks if you're ok and if you need to talk. They try and find out if there's anything they can do to support you. They don't give a glib response and then bang on about their own petty issues when your mum is so gravely ill; that's why you're upset.

doctorhamster · 21/04/2021 18:25

Your friend does care op she just doesn't know how to react to your sad news.

I'm sorry about your mum

sprinkleyumnut · 21/04/2021 18:26

It sounds like because of her autism she said something polite and then changed the subject, kind of sounds like she said it in a very simple way, as if your pet fish had just died. This is common with people who have autism. Obviously it is a spectrum and not every autistic person would react this way. I would be upset to, but if you broach the subject the problem is she probably won't realise what she has done wrong and then get upset. Maybe take a break.

lljkk · 21/04/2021 18:26

mmm... I hear OP just needing to get more from friendships than give right now. It's ok to go a bit cool if this friendship is draining for the moment. It can be revived when you're in the right headspace for it to work well according to its own dynamics.

What happytoday73 said in point a), basically

notagainmummy · 21/04/2021 18:27

If she continues with this insensitivity at a time you need sensitivity, I would distance for a while to give yourself some space. I'm sure she can't help this but that doesn't make it any easier for you. When things are different and you can cope with your friend, then re-establish contact. seems harsh I know but you are the important one at the moment.

BlackeyedSusan · 21/04/2021 18:27

its not dismissive, it is autistic. sounds like someone is straying into being the equivalent of racist to disabled people.

BlackeyedSusan · 21/04/2021 18:29

Its not insensitive either. it is a disability. Can you stop with the disablist/ablist comments.

FishWithoutABike · 21/04/2021 18:35

Interestingly studies have shown many people with a diagnosis of autism have increased empathy, even if they don’t always know how to show it. If I was you I would be clear. Text her and say ‘I really need a friend right now while I’m dealing with my mums diagnosis. Can you come over so I can have a chat to you about how I’m feeling’ I bet she’ll be right over.

DrCoconut · 21/04/2021 18:36

My DS volunteers at a charity for people with autism (he has it) and it's clear talking to some of the others there that they communicate quite mechanically. A lot of the interactions are learned not intuitive. Person you're speaking to says A you must now say B type thing. Significant deviation from that script disorientates them and they go into panic mode. One of them is obsessed with his college place and will just start talking about that if he doesn't know what else to say.

Stroopwaffle5000 · 21/04/2021 18:36

This is a common trait of someone with autism. She's not deliberately being insensitive. Maybe you need to do some research on ASD in order to understand your friend, if not, maybe you shouldn't be friends with her as she will continuously upset and annoy you through no fault of her own. That said, some neurotypical people don't know how to talk about subjects like this.

1Morewineplease · 21/04/2021 18:38

Your friend finds it difficult to rate your devastating news to her own, minor by comparison, news.
It's very typical of autistic folk ... they find it really difficult to categorise levels of need, affection, attention etc...

Please don't take it personally, your friend will already be trying to work out the seriousness of what you've said, and is, in her way, trying to empathise with her own issue, little realising that the two issues do not relate.

It's so hard, OP and I get what you're saying but I'm not sure that your friend immediately does. I suspect that, at some point, your friend will suddenly realise and will feel awful.

Merryoldgoat · 21/04/2021 18:41

My son would do this. He’s autistic and just doesn’t understand the reciprocity of a conversation like this.

However I tell him. And we try to learn together how his words might make people feel.

But the reality is that you have to cut autistic people some slack with this stuff - their brain just works differently. It doesn’t mean they don’t care.

Lessthanaballpark · 21/04/2021 18:43

Text her and say ‘I really need a friend right now while I’m dealing with my mums diagnosis. Can you come over so I can have a chat to you about how I’m feeling’ I bet she’ll be right over.

This is a good idea. If you say it directly to her then she will know what is expected of her. Then you will see how she really feels about you.

Original poster

amibeingharsh · 21/04/2021 18:44

@FishWithoutABike

Yes I agree that autistic people have increased empathy, that's certainly been my experience in general, with my friends.

This doesn't feel like it's about empathy though. When I think on your suggestion, to text her and explain I need my mates right now - that would trigger a lot of anxiety in her and she'd likely text back to say I wasn't being fair on her to suddenly spring a request on her like that, that I should check in with her to make sure it's ok to want a deeper discussion, etc. It would lead to a big convo about her needs, basically.

I'm thinking this thing I can't quite put my finger on is all separate from the autism and possibly something different about a clash of personalities.

The friendship only really feels comfortable to me if I'm in a good cheerful place myself, and have the bandwidth to listen to her analysis on her difficult things (which I don't mind doing when I'm 'strong', to a point, we defo have very interesting discussions over lunch or a beer) and I'm realising that that means the friendship is going to have limitations.

It's just confusing as she's honestly very kind hearted and always chats about wanting deeper connections.

OP posts:

TowandaForever · 21/04/2021 18:46

You'd need to be direct about acting like a friend. Actually specify what you want them to do.

Also your friend might need time to process what you told her and work out how to respond.

DietCokehead1 · 21/04/2021 18:46

Might not be related to her autism. When I told my friends my mum had stage 4 cancer some of them didn’t know what to say so they just didn’t say anything, or laughed awkwardly, or made odd remarks, or turned the conversation back to their own problems. Some never spoke to me again. I didn’t understand it, I guess the subject of cancer and death is just too uncomfortable for some people. I’m very sorry for you and your mum.

ElspethFlashman · 21/04/2021 18:47

She may be lovely and you're fond of her, but that doesn't mean it's a great friendship for you.

Friendship needs to feel like a 2 way street and you clearly feel it only 1 way at the moment. And you may have been able to ignore it before, but right now you need a handhold and she is not going to be able to sense that or give it.

It's OK to be disappointed that someone can't support you emotionally when you need it. I'm afraid that autism aside, a cancer diagnosis often shows you exactly how empathetic the people in your circle of friends are.

You will inevitably feel let down by some people. Happened to me during a bereavement . I'd always known (and forgiven) that it was a 1 way street but this time it was just too painful to feel so acutely someone's dismissiveness of the worst time of my life. The friendship never recovered.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 21/04/2021 18:54

I strongly suspect I have asd. My dad was sucessfully treated for one form of cancer, years later contracted another form and died. I cant bear people making a fuss. During that time I wanted normal conversation and laughs, not sympathy and feelings. Consequently I have a really hard time knowing what other people need in similar circumstances. I simply cant imagine feeling differently to how I felt. I dont know how to offer sympathy and feelings.

If you said to me I really need to talk about this could you come and listen then I would be round with cake. But I wouldnt think to offer.

Does that make any sort of sense?

EmeraldShamrock · 21/04/2021 19:00

I'm am sincerely sorry to hear about your DM.
Leave the friendship out of anything emotional for now, it may well be her autism it's hard to say my daughter is very empathetic and caring with ASD.
If this is her usual way I'd excuse it, take yourself from her drama you don't need the stress.

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