Would you find this a bit hurtful? Autistic friend

[amibeingharsh]

Mentioning my mate's autism because I can't bring up this niggle I have with her, because she'll get very distressed and upset and say she is still learning because of the autism. I know it would open a whole draining can of worms and I have zero energy for drama right now.

Mate reached out after a few months asking how i was. I'm alright but my mum was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer, which is obviously hard. My friend just says ah sorry to hear that and then starts banging on about her IBS and the fact she can't find a new cleaner.

I can't quite put my finger on why I find this hurtful, because she did after all acknowledge what I told her so maybe I'm being daft, but I just really feel like distancing myself from her. I have felt that in the past she's never very interested in anything with me - I'm genuinely interested in what she's up to, but it can start to feel one sided? But I could never broach it because she'll get very upset.

She is a lovely person, an old friend and I'm fond of her, but I'm just tired I think. So perhaps am not being fair. AIBU?

Depending on her ASD it could be that because she isn’t directly affected by the issues you’re dealing with she has no concept of of how you feel and so has no idea of the social norm last that others will have when told of the issues. If it is an issue have a search on ASD and empathy and it might be able to explain how some people with ASD see the world
I’m

Sorry to hear about your mum.

Totally understand what you're going through.

IME people are another of and will ask how mums doing but also they are afraid to ask because they don't want to upset me or hear things are much worse etc.

Also having an autistic son I know what you mean about acknowledging verbally but on the surface. It is part of how autism presents. My ds genuinely cannot empathise and so he hears the words, knows what to say - but the feeling level is the same as if you've just told them you managed to have a lie in that morning or it'll be sunny tomorrow!

So the decision really is if you have time and energy and space in your life for this friend and it sounds like you are good friends in many ways?

Perhaps she is your fun discuss the surface friend and you have the emotional conversations with another?

Hi OP. I am autistic but able to present as neurotypical. Autism presents in so many different ways that it's impossible to tell from your information whether your friend is unable to give you the sympathy you want because she's not interested in a friendship which requires heavy lifting on her part, or because she genuinely struggles to communicate in that way because of her autism. It could truly be either. Every autistic person is different.

But that's not the important thing. Right now you are having a horrible time and if this friendship is more effort than you can spare right now, you absolutely have permission to step back from it, and perhaps rekindle it when you have more energy. You cannot change her response, but you can step back and look after yourself.

My son has ASD, he has absolutely no empathy for others, he is very self -obsessed and sees everything in terms of its impact on him rather than on others. He has learnt, to a certain extent, that he is expected to mouth some platitudes but you can see that he has no real idea why he has to! It's just the way he is.

I'm autistic and have shitloads of empathy. My efforts to communicate that are really shit. It's not uncommon for me to go straight back to a subject involving me after someone talks about them. It's my 'safe and easy'. Don't take this the wrong way, it's literally her autism. That's said, if you feel that you don't get anything out of the friendship maybe it's time to draw back some.

It's sometimes hard to gauge with people on the autistic spectrum how much of a particular behaviour is autism and how much is them personally. My son is being assessed and we constantly have the fun 'deliberately being an arsehole' or 'can't help it due to his brain' challenge. Your friend may well have autism, but she could also be a bit self-absorbed and have responded the way she did as a result.

In either case, you are allowed to take a step back and say that you need to look after yourself more than usual right now, so won't be in touch as frequently. If anyone else does anything nice for you, do tell your friend about it and how happy it made you that they did that. That's not quite asking her for support but it does demonstrate what you consider support to be.

I'm sorry about your mum

It's sometimes hard to gauge with people on the autistic spectrum how much of a particular behaviour is autism and how much is them personally

As an autistic person I have to disagree. My autism is me personally. It's not a side order that comes along sometimes. It literally affects me every minute of my life. The idea that autistic people are sometimes being autistic and sometimes just being themselves comes from a place of grave misunderstanding.

Sincerely sorry to hear of your Morthers’ illness.

Social Interaction & Communication Issues are a HUGE issue for my Autistic People (my son is Autistic), yet your Autistic friend acknowledged your Mothers’ illness...that’s more than my son could or would have been able to do. They are not being ignorant or dismissive, they are just being their Autistic self which is extremely difficult for a nun Autistic person to understand....I will be learning & discovering about my son & his Autism for many many years as no two Autistic people are the same like no two non Autistic people are the same.

It may be linked to her autism or not but that doesn't do much to ease the hurt you feel right now. Please remember that your first priority should be to yourself, especially right now when you've less to 'give' emotionally, iyswim.

Maybe you just need a different friend at this point in time...I'm not staying to dump her entirely. I just know that I'd turn to different friends for different things. If this one can't give you the support you need right now, I'd look for it in someone who can provide it.

Even if she can’t help it, its ok to want to step back for a bit because she isn’t apparently able to provide the support you need at the moment. It’s ok to prioritise yourself.

I'm autistic and I have plenty of empathy, sometimes too much but this could be nothing to do with your friends autisim, she just might not be the person who you can get support from. Some people just arent able to support people through something devastating. I hope you have others in your life that can support you.

@username12345T

'Sorry to hear that' is something someone who doesn't know you would say out of politeness, not a friend. A friend asks if there is anything they can do and asks if you're ok and if you need to talk. They try and find out if there's anything they can do to support you. They don't give a glib response and then bang on about their own petty issues when your mum is so gravely ill; that's why you're upset.

As a previous poster said - autism is a social and communication disability. I suspect that she understood that there were some words she should say here but became very uncomfortable and worried at getting it wrong so changed the subject, without realising that in fact that was what she was getting wrong.

My good Friend was diagnosed with autism last year at 49 she can at times be very blunt and self focused I have a severely autistic son,so I completely accept this is how she is and she's quite literal ,all of our friendship group have children with autism so I think we understand more than most people how it might affect her ,she's a great person but sometimes doesn't quite understand social communication but that's all part of autism, autism is a massive spectrum and it affects people differently ,.

I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum- it's not surprising you feel hurt by your friend's reply.

I think the issue is the lack of contingent response- your Mum being so seriously ill is huge and you needed a significant level of care from your friend back in response.

For your friend with autism this is probably not something she's able to provide. She might be avoiding talking about it either because she finds it too stressful to work out what to say and when or because she is not reflecting on what that means for you as she is preoccupied with her own life.

I wouldn't reject her as a friend in your shoes and would still keep in occasional contact but just know that she's not your go-to friend for support and comfort. You could reply to her everyday-issues text with a text explaining how you are feeling about your Mum and see if the extra detail means she is slightly more supportive but if not then just accept that her disability means she's not that kind of person.

I can get why that would be tiring.

I do also get that it is part of her disorder.

When my dad had terminal cancer my hubby wouldn't know what to say. He also has ASD. He is very empathetic and was a great support even so. Also, I don't think anyone knew what to say. Not very many people do in these types of situation.. even having gone through losing my dad to Cancer, I would still struggle to find the words with someone else going through it.
I also think some people try to talk about themselves to try and empathise and say, yeah, I have problems too. I can see how that could come across as being uninterested, but perhaps it is to try to make you feel less alone (of course cancer and IBS can't really be compared however!)? It is a difficult one.

Quite common for people with ASD. She acknowledged it which in her mind is a box ticked, it wouldn’t have occurred to her not to change the subject.

Undeniably, having autism can make one's life difficult to varying degrees. You are right to be upset and you are not obliged to put her disability above your own feelings, not about this and not at this time anyway.
Her behaviour in this instance is very self centred which is a trait not exclusive to people with autism as I am sure you know. There are people who grew up in emotionally abusive or neglectful families, they do not have the official disability protection that autism has and they too struggle through no fault of their own with personality disorders like narcissism and people would certainly encourage you on here to discard of this 'doesn't sound much like a friend'.
I think the fact that many mothers here have children with autism is making the comments biased. I think you need to look after yourself and it's ok if you can't be friends with someone. You deserve a good friend and empathy is one of the most important qualities for a good friend in my view.

I’m very sorry about your mum, that sounds devastating.

This friend isn’t going to be a part of your support network in this situation unfortunately. She’s just not. Reach out to others who can support you. You may well be surprised who does and doesn’t step up. Don’t waste ant emotion energy trying to figure out why some people can’t do it.

I say this as someone who reached out to a very close friend last year on the day my dad died, asking if we could chat on the phone the next day. She sent a looong text explaining exactly her schedule for the day ( including an hour call with ‘Janet’ from weight watchers) so no, no time to chat. She can’t do it.

Wishing you all the best.

friend asks if there is anything they can do and asks if you're ok and if you need to talk. They try and find out if there's anything they can do to support you. They don't give a glib response and then bang on about their own petty issues when your mum is so gravely ill; that's why you're upset.

She’s autistic....

As someone pointed out earlier you would not expect a deaf person to hear ypu etc

She sounds like she lovely and good friend to you, she just struggles with emotion.
I’d do what others suggest, i need to talk about my mom etc, i’d like it if you asked etc
She’s not doing it on purpose.

Autism or not, this friend is not providing the support you need right now. I went through this with my mum and most of my (all neurotypical) friends were also shit at supporting me. It's perfectly fine to keep your distance, you don't have the headspace for her shit right now. Honestly, focus on your dad, keep your strength for what is important right now.

Im really sorry to hear about your mum.

Id try not to be too cross about it, but take a step back from her if you dont have the spoons for her at the moment. Do you have other friends you could talk to that are more supportive?

another suggestion is to message her and say look, I dont know if you realise quite how serious the issue is with my mum, but im really upset and dont really have the energy to deal with much else at the moment.
If she tries to make it about her, stop responding.

Ive got friends who I have to avoid at times, despite being really fond of them.

I take issue with the deaf comment because autism is on a spectrum. Heck, even hearing impairment is on a spectrum and varies. So your analogy is kind of offensive actually.
Setting the bar blankly low for autism actually does people with autism a disservice because not all of them are incapable of showing care and consideration.

Autism is not a get out of jail card, though. Many people with autism once over 30s can 'mask', particularly women with autism they develop the skills to 'act' like they care even if they don't fully feel like they care because they grow to understand this is what caring people in a society do.

OP, I would accept that your friend can't or won't be supportive to you in this way and you can either have her as a fairweather friend or whatever she is great at without any suffering or imbalance on your side to keep the friendship going and seek support from other people
or
realise and accept that you need more of a friend than she can offer and that your friendship has taken you as far as it realistically could go.

Autism is not a get out of jail card, though. Many people with autism once over 30s can 'mask', particularly women with autism they develop the skills to 'act' like they care even if they don't fully feel like they care because they grow to understand this is what caring people in a society do.

You think autistic people should mask to suit society?

Fuck that. I'm exhausted with masking, my entire life by the way, I didn't suddenly start when I was over fucking 30.

I mask for my benefit, not yours, not 'society's' - it's about time people got to grips with this. Stop expecting people to change their inherent being to fucking suit you

What an ableist thread.