AIBU?
How do normal people behave in this?
Twatalert · 21/04/2021 15:25
I have a situation with a friend and wanted to get some views how normal people would deal with this.
The background is I had an emotionally abusive childhood and am screwed up. I am determined to keep challenging my behavioral patterns and thinking for my own benefit, so please be kind if this question seems ridiculous to you.
Basically, I had a whatsapp chat (messaging) with a friend and it was clear to me that he was in a shit mood. I got a bit of an attitude from him, so I said that I am not liking this and that I would end the conversation now. He responded with 'good night' and that was it.
How do people now go on from this? My old self would sulk and have a lengthy discussion with him. I realised I would want him to admit his 'mistake'. But I don't want to do this as it gets me nowhere. I cannot change people or change their thinking.
I'd like to move on, but not be the one to make the 'first step'. I don't really think first steps need to be made and nobody was in the wrong and there was no argument. But it still feels like this to me.
What do normal people do? What do they say to themselves? What do they think?
ComtesseDeSpair · 21/04/2021 15:52
Was he rude or aggressive directly towards you? Or just coming across as grumpy and not much interested in chatting? The former, I’d expect a proper apology, and, if it’s repeated behaviour, I’d reconsider the friendship. If the latter, then today is a new day and I’d just ask how he was today and breeze over it (and if it was the latter then I think you overreacted with the dramatic “I am not liking this!” thing.)
Candycane57 · 21/04/2021 15:54
I would take some time to calm down myself, and allow him to calm down (maybe a day, depends how frequently you speak) Then message him asking if he's okay now. This will likely prompt him to apologise. If he doesn't, I'd assume he was having a rough day and wants to move on from it. I'd go on to have a normal conversation asking about his day, what he's up to etc.
I would give him the benefit of the doubt and assume, like all people, he was having a rough day and wasn't acting how he normally does. If he is a good friend usually I wouldn't question why he spoke to me like that, but rather if he is ok.
HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 21/04/2021 15:56
Was he clearly in a grump from the start and who was instigating the conversation? Was he continuing the conversation to be polite? We are all entitled to our off days. Was he off in general or was he horrible to you in a personal way?
If I could tell a friend clearly wasn't in the mood to talk and were off in general but didn't want to share their problem I would probably give them an out and say that I was busy, doing dinner /playing with children /going to bed and that I'd talk to them another time. Instead of flouncing and saying 'I don't like this, I'm leaving" it's the virtual version of stamping your foot or slamming the door on your way out.
If they were instigating the conversation and were horrible and insulting in a personal way then I'd let them know that they were out of line and I'd talk to them later. If they were a good friend they'd apologise and then we'd move on. If not I'd wait for them to contact me or wait until I saw them in person. It's so easy for messages to get misconstrued online.
VegCheeseandCrackers · 21/04/2021 16:08
If my friend is snippy with me I just think maybe there's something going on like they're stressed, they're arguing with a loved one, hard day at work etc. You did right in calling him out on his behavior and as he responded by saying goodnight I would say he was likely annoyed about sonrthing. I would echo PPs here to be bright and breezy with him and act like nothing happened.
Thatisnotwhatisaid · 21/04/2021 17:12
As others have said it depends what was said and whether he was just generally in a bad mood or whether he took the mood out on you. If he was a twat towards you, I’d honestly leave it and let him come to you to apologise. If he’d just had a bad day so seemed a bit off I’d change the subject.
Twatalert · 21/04/2021 17:15
Ok. Thanks all. The conversation went like this:
I'd asked him a few days earlier whether his son will be 11 or 12 on his next birthday. so yesterday I said:
Me: I'd still like to know the answer please
Him: why do you sound so annoyed?
Me: I'm not annoyed!
Him: OK, but I am. I have been on the loo for the past hour with stomach cramps..in case it is of interest
Me: eyeroll. I'm not liking this right now and will stop here
Him: good night
Amelia666 · 21/04/2021 17:16
Like others are saying, it really depends on the context.
But generally I wouldn’t really take any notice of it if it was just a bad mood in an otherwise good relationship- I myself am capable of being in bad moods and/or venting occasionally and so it’s not a big deal.
I might reference it next time we spoke in a “phew fair play, you were being a right grumpy twat when we last spoke“ or similar and just laugh it off (depending on what the friend’s mood was about).
just seen your update and tbh I think YABU because absolutely nothing happened and if anything you seem rude by ignoring his medical issues?!thegreenlight · 21/04/2021 17:24
I too came from a sort of abusive childhood (narc mum who did a number on me and I’m only just coming to terms with it). My DH who is very normal sat me down and told me that getting upset about things like this makes it all about you - it’s not about you, people can be annoyed and it NOT be your fault (revelation, I know!) I’m working on that now! It’s hard but it’s not always about you (I mean that in a nice way!)
DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 21/04/2021 17:27
I'm not reading anything bad into his messages, if anything you came across (slightly) badly in that exchange.
Just message him saying Hi hope you're feeling better today. Please remind me, how old will your son be on his next birthday? Want to get the right card! Or smth similar.
Twatalert · 21/04/2021 17:28
@thegreenlight
Totally! No, I get you. I feel I get stuck in the same pattern and have still not found a way out of it. It is true that I take an awful lot of things against me and have my guard up a lot of the time, but I really did not expect people to tell me here IAMBU!
It somehow....feels great...!? Because I sort of have a new 'lead' for how I could work on me.
It is great that you are able to work on your issues too. Thank you for replying.
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