Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do normal people behave in this?

115 replies

Twatalert · 21/04/2021 15:25

I have a situation with a friend and wanted to get some views how normal people would deal with this.

The background is I had an emotionally abusive childhood and am screwed up. I am determined to keep challenging my behavioral patterns and thinking for my own benefit, so please be kind if this question seems ridiculous to you.

Basically, I had a whatsapp chat (messaging) with a friend and it was clear to me that he was in a shit mood. I got a bit of an attitude from him, so I said that I am not liking this and that I would end the conversation now. He responded with 'good night' and that was it.

How do people now go on from this? My old self would sulk and have a lengthy discussion with him. I realised I would want him to admit his 'mistake'. But I don't want to do this as it gets me nowhere. I cannot change people or change their thinking.

I'd like to move on, but not be the one to make the 'first step'. I don't really think first steps need to be made and nobody was in the wrong and there was no argument. But it still feels like this to me.

What do normal people do? What do they say to themselves? What do they think?

OP posts:
Original poster
Twatalert · 21/04/2021 20:50

This is all so eye opening. I have apologised, said I didn't mean to come across as annoyed etc.

I do now understand I was in the wrong. Not quite owning/feeling it yet. Its such new insight for me.

Keep them coming.... the more often I hear it the better.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/04/2021 20:59

If someone is annoyed and they have a good reason to be, I think I'd be sympathetic and leave them alone. I'd probably have replied 'oh shit! (Literally!) I'll leave you to it, hope you feel better soon'.

Your response made it sound like you didn't care to hear about his medical issues. Its normal for people to be a bit grumpy when they are ill so I'd let it go.

Mumkins42 · 21/04/2021 21:03

Your message is blunt and passive aggressive. I would not appreciate that personally. Going forward, if said friend doesn't answer you, you step back and you leave it. You don't find out the child's age, but so what. It's a bit too much.
I'm working alot on personal boundaries and also respecting others and it's quite a revelation at times. It's true what one poster said ref other people's annoyance not necessarily being about you. It rarely is about you but about what is going on with the other person. If you want to retain the friendship I'd just wait until really calm and message something like hey how are you and are you feeling better. Something completely non demanding and see what happens

CorianderBee · 21/04/2021 21:07

Yes, am afraid I agree that you were rude OP. Your first message had no pretence or asking how he is just an accusation of not getting you information.

He told you he wasn't well (in case it was of interest bc bowel movements aren't everyone's cup of tea).

You then rolled your eyes at him and basically said 'fuck this I'm off'.

You seem very self reflective though which is good.

TheOneWithTheBigNose · 21/04/2021 21:16

His ‘in case it is of interest’ response is because your first message lacked any social niceties. No ‘hi, how are you?’ etc. It was pretty rude.
Then when he did tell you he was feeling unwell, you made it about you.
You’re the one who owes an apology in this scenario.

maddiemookins16mum · 21/04/2021 21:23

Your messages would annoy me tbh, the first one sets the tone. You could have said

‘ don’t forget to let me know how old Daniel* is, so I don’t send the wrong card! 😀😀

(if for instance this was why you were asking).

VettiyaIruken · 21/04/2021 21:24

Does he not know how old his kid is?

But yes, you were a bit snippy.

And if he does not, in fact, know whether his kid will be 11 or 12 he's likely to feel embarrassed which would account for his attitude.

MeltsAway · 21/04/2021 21:36

You come across as somewhat prickly and ready to take offence.

He’s got nothing to apologise as far as I can see.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 21/04/2021 21:54

I agree with others op, the fault is yours here (unless there is a massive back story/drip feed).
I don’t agree that you always have to start with ‘how are you’. With my closest friends we message every other day or few days and don’t start like that. It’s almost like it’s all one big giant convo. The only time I’d ask how they are over a msg is if I hadn’t contacted them for a longer while than normal, or if I knew they were unwell or sad.

Perhaps if I show you how I would have had that conversation with a good friend that will help you see how you came across:

Me: hey, I’m buying a card tomorrow, let me know if poss how old Daniel will be
[if no response I’d buy a generic one]
Him: [stomach cramp response]
Me: oh sounds awful. Hope you get better soon. Do you need anything?
[or, if I want to end the convo - something like ‘I’ll let you rest, catch up tomorrow’]

Hope that helps.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 21/04/2021 21:58

What to do?
Message in the morning. "I hope you feel better, have you got all you need?".

SpnBaby1967 · 21/04/2021 22:05

Wow OP you were rude!

You owe him an apology and clearly need to work on your social skills.

SaturdayRocks · 21/04/2021 22:45

Not quite owning/feeling it yet.

You asked him a question.

He didn’t reply - because he was sick.

You very abruptly chased him up.

He explained he was sick.

You eye-rolled him, as if his sickness is irrelevant and boring to you - so irrelevant and boring, that you cannot even wish him well, and instead you tell him you’re ‘leaving’ the conversation.

How can you not ‘feel’ it?

He has literally done nothing wrong here!

On the other hand, you have behaved really quite inappropriately. I don’t mean that to be unkind, as you’re obviously learning. But you have.

Hopefully he accepts your apology.

Original poster
Twatalert · 22/04/2021 10:21

I can only answer yes to many of the questions here. It has been a total revelation for me that I was in the wrong here. I certainly feel less stuck now in this behavioral pattern of mine and at least have something to work on.

He says I don't need to apologise and all is good. Yes, he has the shits big time and has received an infusion.

OP posts:
Womencanlift · 22/04/2021 10:27

Op you don’t need to answer this question if you don’t want to but as someone who sounds the complete opposite to you I would be interested to know why you didn’t think you were in the wrong

As I said if you don’t feel comfortable answering please don’t but as someone who gets told they say sorry too much it’s fascinating to read something so different

StripyHorse · 22/04/2021 10:38

OP I don't think either of you were in the wrong (or you both were).

Your text had good intentions (getting friend's son the right card) but the tone could be misconstrued.

His text sounded snappy but he may have felt nagged and was obviously under the weather.

Don't beat yourself up over it, these things happen.

As an aside - is he on social media, can you look at his archive posts and try and work out the child's age this way? (Speaking as someone who has had to do similar).

Original poster
Twatalert · 22/04/2021 11:11

@Womencanlift

Op you don’t need to answer this question if you don’t want to but as someone who sounds the complete opposite to you I would be interested to know why you didn’t think you were in the wrong

As I said if you don’t feel comfortable answering please don’t but as someone who gets told they say sorry too much it’s fascinating to read something so different

...because I felt entitled to receive an answer the first time I had asked him. The entitlement hits home now, but initially it was a feeling of rejection and lack of interest on his part to tell me the answer. So I had already convinced myself that not receiving an answer was against me. One poster here said quite rightly that other peoples reactions usually have nothing to do with ourselves.

I can see now how ridiculous that was. Hopefully I can see it more often in the future.

OP posts:
lazylinguist · 22/04/2021 11:13

It sounds a bit as though you aren't very practiced at moderating your tone to ease social interaction, OP (no doubt a result of your difficult upbringing).

If I'd been in your situation and had absolutely felt it was urgent to press for an answer to a question I'd already asked, I would have felt very aware that this might seem rather pushy and insistent, so I would have phrased my message in quite an apologetic or joky tone, rather than the very abrupt and rather curt way you phrased it. Something like "Really sorry to be a pain re: your ds' age, but I don't want him to get his birthday card late! Smile".

TheVanguardSix · 22/04/2021 11:20

The best advice I was given, ever, in my very early 20s was, "It's not always about you."

Sounds like you could fine-tune your empathy. Empathy comes very naturally to some and for others, there is some learning required.
Stop before you type/speak and think about where the other person is coming from. You've completely bypassed your friend's illness. You didn't even attempt to ask if he was ok or if he needed anything. You were thinking of you.
You also need to walk in other people's shoes. Read his words again. Think about where he is at and how he must be feeling. You're hassling him while the guy's cramping up on the shitter. It's kind of surprising that this all needs pointing out to you. You can do better, OP.

edwinbear · 22/04/2021 11:22

I think it depends on the previous conversation when you first asked him how old his son was going to be. If you'd asked him, with the good intention of buying him a card, and he'd ignored you for days, then I'm not surprised you were a bit offhand when you chased him up. But then I'm a prompt responder to texts/messages and it give me the rage when people ignore me.

reprehensibleme · 22/04/2021 11:29

Possibly an issue with so many 'conversations' being had on social media. There is no room for context, subtlety, emotion.

Womencanlift · 22/04/2021 12:08

@Twatalert thanks for explaining. So interesting how differently we all see the world

It is good that you are open to the different perspectives given on this thread

SnuggyBuggy · 23/04/2021 07:23

Conversational skills are like most other skills in that you can learn and work on them. Some are lucky and seem to pick them up easily, others need to actively do this.

It's worth it as it will make your life and relationships much easier.

Onlinedilema · 23/04/2021 07:28

Why would anyone tell you they are on the toilet having a poo? Seriously. I’d reply with charming too much information.
He was being a dick.
I’d send a generic card.

Peanutbutterandbananatoastie · 23/04/2021 07:35

I think you going into detail about his stomach issues is now the worst thing about this text exchange.

Peanutbutterandbananatoastie · 23/04/2021 07:35

(I mean on mn)

Swipe left for the next trending thread