How do normal people behave in this?

[Twatalert]

I have a situation with a friend and wanted to get some views how normal people would deal with this.

The background is I had an emotionally abusive childhood and am screwed up. I am determined to keep challenging my behavioral patterns and thinking for my own benefit, so please be kind if this question seems ridiculous to you.

Basically, I had a whatsapp chat (messaging) with a friend and it was clear to me that he was in a shit mood. I got a bit of an attitude from him, so I said that I am not liking this and that I would end the conversation now. He responded with 'good night' and that was it.

How do people now go on from this? My old self would sulk and have a lengthy discussion with him. I realised I would want him to admit his 'mistake'. But I don't want to do this as it gets me nowhere. I cannot change people or change their thinking.

I'd like to move on, but not be the one to make the 'first step'. I don't really think first steps need to be made and nobody was in the wrong and there was no argument. But it still feels like this to me.

What do normal people do? What do they say to themselves? What do they think?

[nellly]

Op you sound really nice and you've learnt from this incident, you both were a bit snippy but the air has been cleared and now you can happily move on. Don't beat yourself up over it!

[Happylittlethoughts]

It's not him- it was you !
Hopefully he is happy to gloss over 😂

[DietrichandDiMaggio]

I find it hard to believe that anyone thinks a reasonable response to a friend saying they are unwell, is to eyeroll and feel offended, whatever their background.

[Howshouldibehave]

@DietrichandDiMaggio

I find it hard to believe that anyone thinks a reasonable response to a friend saying they are unwell, is to eyeroll and feel offended, whatever their background.

This! It’s all rather strange.

Why did you desperately need to know how old the child was anyway-couldn’t you work round it? If you weren’t sure and hadn’t already bought a card, buy one without an age on-as most of them are. If you wanted to write the message in the card you already have, just write happy birthday!

The fact you think he was in a ‘shit mood’ is interesting-he doesn’t come across like that at all from your update. You were being very confrontational.

[Cocomarine]

Not the point of your question OP, but 11/12 is a school cut off age so you can work it out yourself... if he’s turning 11, he last year of primary (Y6) if he’s turning 12, he’s first year of secondary (Y7). Have you had new school / school application conversations during last year?

Doesn’t help if he goes to middle school, prep or a 3-18. But primary to secondary covers the vast majority of kids!

As to the conversation... There’s no good reason not to has told you his son’s age. However, how much I prioritised replying (especially if busy and/or the convo had had multiple strands) would depend if you said:

• I’ll get a card - is he 11 or 12?
  

or:

• ah, bet he’s excited! Is he 11 or 12 now?
  

Both questions, but the latter sounds more conversational and unimportant.

Yes, your opener was abrupt. I thought his reply was unnecessarily so though -but, would want a lot more context before calling either “unreasonable”. Looks 50/50 to me.

I’d think “pfffffft - fucksake” if I was either person - and then forget all about it.

[Ijustknowitstimetogo]

OP it’s good that you’re open to learning about the role you sometimes play in the interactions you have.

I don’t think we need to turn it into a massive pile on and OP doesn’t need to go on wallowing in it. Let’s all move on now!

[SaturdayRocks]

@Onlinedilema

Why would anyone tell you they are on the toilet having a poo? Seriously. I’d reply with charming too much information.
He was being a dick.
I’d send a generic card.

Because she forced it out of him by stropping and getting in a mood!

He literally said, ‘if you must know’ - he wasn’t volunteering the info apropos of nothing!

[VegCheeseandCrackers]

Hey again OP. I read your message and I would say you were being rude.
OK so I know you said you felt 'entitled' to an answer but that's not right. Suppose I ask you when your period last started or some other personal thing and you don't want to tell me? I'm not entitled to that answer and you're not obligated to give me said answer. I'm not saying this conversation was similar I'm just demonstrating that we are not entitled to friend's answers about their lives.
I think you went about it all the wrong way. You were pestering him. I would say one simple text saying something like 'hey there, would appreciate if you could just message me over x's birthday date just simply as I want to have a card and gift ready for them'. This is much less pushy and doesn't make him feel backed into a corner. He's just told you he's unwell and you did an eye roll. That's just not nice. Something like 'aw sorry pal I didn't realise. Feel better soon' would be better. Nobody really likes being open about having diarrhea so the fact he's told you means he feels you were really on his case.
Reading all your updates you're doing great.

[Coronawireless]

He was being a bit dickish. Why not just answer the bloody question? (Unless he doesn’t know).
Best thing to do in these situations is keep it light and detach, detach, detach. Talk again another day.
I’m guessing the underlying problem here may be that because of your background you may be a little bit uncertain with people and don’t have a huge circle of friends. So when someone is off with you for whatever reason you take it more personally and feel more anxious than you should. In your head your prickles go up because you can’t afford to lose a friend?
If that’s the case, try widening your circle for now. Focus on quantity and see what develops. Then you won’t feel so uptight if one person is having a bad day (or is in fact a dick). You sound nice!

[Twatalert]

@VegCheeseandCrackers

Hey again OP. I read your message and I would say you were being rude.
OK so I know you said you felt 'entitled' to an answer but that's not right. Suppose I ask you when your period last started or some other personal thing and you don't want to tell me? I'm not entitled to that answer and you're not obligated to give me said answer. I'm not saying this conversation was similar I'm just demonstrating that we are not entitled to friend's answers about their lives.
I think you went about it all the wrong way. You were pestering him. I would say one simple text saying something like 'hey there, would appreciate if you could just message me over x's birthday date just simply as I want to have a card and gift ready for them'. This is much less pushy and doesn't make him feel backed into a corner. He's just told you he's unwell and you did an eye roll. That's just not nice. Something like 'aw sorry pal I didn't realise. Feel better soon' would be better. Nobody really likes being open about having diarrhea so the fact he's told you means he feels you were really on his case.
Reading all your updates you're doing great.

I'm just like my mother it seems.

It makes so much sense. Total light bulb moment.

We are very close, talk about literally anything and know a lot of intimate stuff about each other, but he's also dealing with other major stuff atm (besides the shits) and maybe this was all too much for him.

I can see and feel now how controlling and 'on his case' this was.

[Onlinedilema]

No you do not have to tell someone you are having a poo, just say I’m really unwell Johnny will be 11 next. I’ll catch up with you later. Then leave it at that.

[Coronawireless]

@Onlinedilema

No you do not have to tell someone you are having a poo, just say I’m really unwell Johnny will be 11 next. I’ll catch up with you later. Then leave it at that.

So true!

[VegCheeseandCrackers]

@twatalert no don't say that! You're not. I have friends who come from emotionally abusive households and have various different issues and what I said wasn't to poke you or be nasty or judgy in any way. Friends love you for you but I just wanted to give some solid advice based on your update.

[VegCheeseandCrackers]

But don't get me wrong I also get PPs who say you don't need to say I've got the shits, he genuinely could have said sorry mate I'm unwell I'll speak to you tomorrow

[4PawsGood]

Cocomarine your school years logic doesn’t work everywhere though, Scotland for example has different years with high school being broadly six month later and a bit more leeway with deferred pupils.

[MolotovMocktail]

You both sound rude and I would deal with the situation by not being friends with either of you. I have lovely, normal, drama-free friendships because I drop anyone who behaves like this.

[Cocomarine]

@4PawsGood

Cocomarine your school years logic doesn’t work everywhere though, Scotland for example has different years with high school being broadly six month later and a bit more leeway with deferred pupils.

No, it doesn’t work everywhere - and I listed 3 of the cases where it wouldn’t. But the majority of posters on MN are in England, and the majority of school children attend a secondary where they turn 12 in the first year of it. OP can adjust for the Scottish dates as she already knows the birthday (just not the age) and the deferred pupils situation is really going to be a minority. Sure, I wouldn’t be using my rule of thumb to pay a fortune for a professionally sculpted “12” cake 🤣
But if OP has had a conversation this school year about how is her friend’s son settling into a new comp in England - then it’s very likely he’s turning 12. Likely enough to risk a card.

Also... although I’d just go generic... when buying a number for a child and you’re unsure, always buy the older of your two guesses. Kids are usually far happier to be mistakenly thought older than younger 🤣

[ThorosBeta]

I’d pretend it never happened and press on from there. It’s a blip, no need to make it anything more than that.

[Twatalert]

@MolotovMocktail

You both sound rude and I would deal with the situation by not being friends with either of you. I have lovely, normal, drama-free friendships because I drop anyone who behaves like this.

How unhelpful and narrow minded you sound.

[SandAndSea]

OP, I'm seriously impressed with how you've handled the feedback you've received here. I'm quite sure most of us would have struggled both to own our shit and to be so gracious. I think you deserve some serious credit for that.

Has he answered the question yet?

[VegCheeseandCrackers]

@sandandsea I agree wholeheartedly.

[IbrahimaRedTwo]

No, it doesn’t work everywhere - and I listed 3 of the cases where it wouldn’t. But the majority of posters on MN are in England, and the majority of school children attend a secondary where they turn 12 in the first year of it. OP can adjust for the Scottish dates as she already knows the birthday (just not the age) and the deferred pupils situation is really going to be a minority. Sure, I wouldn’t be using my rule of thumb to pay a fortune for a professionally sculpted “12” cake 🤣
But if OP has had a conversation this school year about how is her friend’s son settling into a new comp in England - then it’s very likely he’s turning 12. Likely enough to risk a card

There are people on here all over the world. Its really weird to assume OP is in England.

[MolotovMocktail]

Not unhelpful and narrow minded OP, I just know that I don’t have to deal with other people’s poor behaviour. It’s great!

[Twatalert]

@MolotovMocktail

Not unhelpful and narrow minded OP, I just know that I don’t have to deal with other people’s poor behaviour. It’s great!

But this thread is not about you and is not for you to show off how you and your friends apparently never have poor behavior. Why did you come here?

[MolotovMocktail]

Um because you asked how normal people would behave and I answered the question giving my perspective which is how this forum works?