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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do normal people behave in this?

115 replies

Twatalert · 21/04/2021 15:25

I have a situation with a friend and wanted to get some views how normal people would deal with this.

The background is I had an emotionally abusive childhood and am screwed up. I am determined to keep challenging my behavioral patterns and thinking for my own benefit, so please be kind if this question seems ridiculous to you.

Basically, I had a whatsapp chat (messaging) with a friend and it was clear to me that he was in a shit mood. I got a bit of an attitude from him, so I said that I am not liking this and that I would end the conversation now. He responded with 'good night' and that was it.

How do people now go on from this? My old self would sulk and have a lengthy discussion with him. I realised I would want him to admit his 'mistake'. But I don't want to do this as it gets me nowhere. I cannot change people or change their thinking.

I'd like to move on, but not be the one to make the 'first step'. I don't really think first steps need to be made and nobody was in the wrong and there was no argument. But it still feels like this to me.

What do normal people do? What do they say to themselves? What do they think?

OP posts:
Trisolaris · 21/04/2021 17:29

I think you worded the original request badly and got his back up to which he responded poorly. You may have just meant ‘Hey could you let me know about this’ but it came across as if you were annoyed he hadn’t told you yet so he got defensive and text doesn’t give you tone.
I’d just message and say, ‘hey, wasn’t trying to pressure you the other night, was just asking for the info when you can and hope you are feeling better.’ Olive branch and see it he takes it.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/04/2021 17:30

You sound a bit annoyed in your first message and not asking how he was was not great.
Turn it around. If you were doubled up with cramps and someone messaged you with the equivalent of “oi where’s that information” would you be OK with it? Would you craft a perfect response? What would you want someone to say to you?

Shoxfordian · 21/04/2021 17:32

You sound like his manager chasing him up having said that he could have just said he’s 11 or 12. It’s not a difficult question

SuperMonkeys · 21/04/2021 17:33

Yeah, this ones on you I think.

Gwenhwyfar · 21/04/2021 17:34

Personally, I would avoid the person for a while, until the memory of how I felt has weakened. If there was no particular argument there's no need to discuss it, just give each other some space for a bit.

Babygotblueyes · 21/04/2021 17:42

I would not read too much into his comments and keep it light and breezy. Based on what you have posted it is clear he was having a bad day and his mood was not about you. He was not disrespectful, just a bit grumpy, so just go on with business as usual.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/04/2021 17:45

You sound confrontational and that you're just looking for a fight. Fact is, he is not required to answer any of your questions, regardless of what they're about.

AfternoonToffee · 21/04/2021 17:47

Just send a fresh one to say that you hope he feels better. Honestly he is unlikely to have given it another thought.

thepeopleversuswork · 21/04/2021 17:55

First off I don’t think this is a big deal, it’s a minor disagreement and if he is a good friend and your friendship is healthy it will blow over without further comment.

I think you may have come across as a little pushy and controlling demanding he respond on this: it’s not really urgent information and I would just have left it. Why was it so important it had to be followed up on like that?

He was a bit PA back but if he was ill I could understand.

This is a fairly normal interaction though: are you a big overthinker? That may be the problem here... you sound as if you over-analyse minor differences of opinion.

Unless there’s a back story...

CatherinedeBourgh · 21/04/2021 17:56

OP, the reason he said in case it’s of interest is that it is somewhat embarrassing to admit you have the shits, so people use phrases like that to deflect the embarrassment a bit, as if to say, I know you don’t care about my bowels, but there you go.

By responding with an eyeroll you probably confirmed his expectation that you didn’t want to know, which isn’t very nice.

If I were you I would ask him if he’s feeling better, and possibly say a fairly light ‘sorry if I was a bit unsympathetic’

If I read that exchange in the absence of further information I would think he was feeling rotten and you being a bit arsey, fwiw.

PurrBox · 21/04/2021 17:57

When you write: 'I'd still like to know the answer please' it sounds a bit annoyed and officious.

I would have written: 'I'd still like to know how old your son is... just don't want to say the wrong thing on his card...'
or:
'Sorry to pester you, but how old is your son going to be? I want to send a card and it's so annoying to kids when people get these things wrong!'
I guess- --soften the question a bit.

I think you annoyed your friend by sounding exasperated when you wrote your first message.

At this point, I would probably wait a day or two and just send a message on another topic, and possibly say something like: 'Sorry I was a bit tetchy the other day-I hope you are feeling better'

But that is me- it seems that you react quite differently to this situation!

Random63638 · 21/04/2021 17:59

Texts are hard to gauge. Next time, before you get upset, try reading the message in a different tone. Try sarcastic, happy, sad, with a slight drunken slur, whatever! If it sounds different each time you can assume you might have misinterpreted what's been said. Do the same for your own messages and see how you come across. Type a reply, but don't send it, wait 15 minutes then look and see if it still works as a response. Remember other people have issues too, as PP said, it's really not all about you even if it feels that way.

Branleuse · 21/04/2021 18:05

He wasnt feeling well and instead of saying "oh you poor thing, I hope you are ok, is it food poisoning etc etc, you made it about you.

I dont think its a massive deal though, and id probably message today saying I hope youre feeling better today, was it something you ate?

lljkk · 21/04/2021 18:11

I'm not normal. I don't even know what normal is. How TF does anyone know what 'normal' is.

My reaction to that conversation was

TMI
&
"Ok, talk to you later"

and nothing else. I mean, he was in a sulk because he felt awful. He's allowed his feelings. Message later (after a few days). Could preface with a "Hope you feel better now" before you write "Is there any chance you can figure out the answer now?"

Nothing to be offended about.

BertramLacey · 21/04/2021 18:29

but I really did not expect people to tell me here IAMBU!

But you are on AIBU. You could have got more nuanced answers in Relationships. Your conversation does sound quite snippy. I'd just message back saying I hope he feels better.

Branleuse · 21/04/2021 18:48

is it a new friend? Is it because you wanted to buy a birthday card for his kid? You can get ones without ages on them

Ponoka7 · 21/04/2021 19:44

"in case it is of interest"

I'd take that as a hint that you usually start conversations with 'hi, how are you?' then go on to ask a question. The conversation didn't flow normally. Break the ice by texting 'how are you now, did your stomach settle?' . Then go on to how old his son is going to be.

I had no conversation/communication skills because of an abusive childhood. I had to work really hard to not use sarcasm, or be overly blunt.

SaturdayRocks · 21/04/2021 19:50

OP - you were (literally) pestering him for a response to something that really wasn’t a priority for him at that point in time - because he had stomach cramps!

And then when he explained that to you - you eye rolled him...?

That’s not really OK. You were the rude one, with the ‘attitude’ (to use your word).

I’d apologise - pretty quickly, if I were you. 😬

JackieTheFart · 21/04/2021 20:00

If he’s truly a friend, and not just an acquaintance, I would send the following one sentence texts.

Hi X, you feeling any better today?
Sorry if I seemed a bit short the other day - honestly didn’t mean to.

Don’t press on the age of the kid. Just get a generic card.

Planningobjection · 21/04/2021 20:27

It does sound like your first message was with an annoyed tone. The eye roll was quite passive aggressive. He may have just been irritated that he wasn’t feeling well and then got an annoyed message because he hadn’t responded rather than you wondering if there is a reason he hadn’t replied. If someone hasn’t replied to me I usually go in with “are you ok? How are you doing?” Rather than why haven’t you replied, I still need to know xyz.
I’d text with, hi, how are you feeling? Have your stomach cramps gone?

KrisAkabusi · 21/04/2021 20:34

How do people now go on from this? My old self would sulk and have a lengthy discussion with him. I realised I would want him to admit his 'mistake'. But I don't want to do this as it gets me nowhere. I cannot change people or change their thinking.

From reading your updates, I don't think he has made a mistake. So I don't think there's anything for him to admit, or for you to silk about. I agree with others that this is a minor misunderstanding, but if there is fault, it's with you. You came across as s bit abrupt. So either apologize next time you're messaging him, or just ignore it as he's probably not thinking about it at all. But certainly don't wait for an apology!

Womencanlift · 21/04/2021 20:40

You definitely owe him an apology as YADBU. First for how you started the chat - it does come across very abrupt and that tone would get my back up. Then the eye roll, not needed when someone says they are ill.

Livpool · 21/04/2021 20:44

YABU - you sound like a manager chasing an update. No "hi" or "how are you". I am sure he has forgotten all about it though so I wouldn't worry.

Just text in a day or so asking how he is and then ask about his DS' birthday

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/04/2021 20:46

You were snotty. So he reacted. You owe him an apology.

If it had got to the stomach conversation I'd have either replied, depending on the kind of friendship, "your poor arse, feel better" or "I'm sorry you're feeling rough, I'll leave you to it".

Sometimes it's us, not them!

GreyhoundG1rl · 21/04/2021 20:50

Honestly, it's all on you. Do you normally talk to your friends like that?!

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