How do normal people behave in this?

[Twatalert]

I have a situation with a friend and wanted to get some views how normal people would deal with this.

The background is I had an emotionally abusive childhood and am screwed up. I am determined to keep challenging my behavioral patterns and thinking for my own benefit, so please be kind if this question seems ridiculous to you.

Basically, I had a whatsapp chat (messaging) with a friend and it was clear to me that he was in a shit mood. I got a bit of an attitude from him, so I said that I am not liking this and that I would end the conversation now. He responded with 'good night' and that was it.

How do people now go on from this? My old self would sulk and have a lengthy discussion with him. I realised I would want him to admit his 'mistake'. But I don't want to do this as it gets me nowhere. I cannot change people or change their thinking.

I'd like to move on, but not be the one to make the 'first step'. I don't really think first steps need to be made and nobody was in the wrong and there was no argument. But it still feels like this to me.

What do normal people do? What do they say to themselves? What do they think?

You were in the wrong here (which you have now admitted).

I wondered how you found conversations with your friends? Appreciate in-person is tricky at the moment, but what about phone calls?

I have one friend who struggles to convey the right tone with text messages (for different reasons to you) so we call each other rather than text each other.

OP, I want to compliment you on your great attitude and willingness to take onboard feedback without being defensive.

And a piece of advice, if I may - you're getting lots of constructive feedback here so maybe it's best to engage with that and ignore the less helpful comments.

I think he needs to move on from you, or you learn to be a little less abrupt

Is this a typical conversation for you or could it be that you and him don't gel well.

OP. I just want to say how much I admire you coming on here, for feedback, and totally listening. You sound very self aware, keep working on it and breaking free of bad habits that will hold you back.

My ex is very similar and completely refuses to listen to other points of view. He'll be burdened with that for the rest of his life.

@IbrahimaRedTwo I didn’t assume that OP was definitely in England. I assumed that as this is a British site with a high British membership, and that as England is the largest population within Britain, that there was a fair chance that information about the English school system would be relevant.

Yes, there are people living outside of England on this site. Of course there are. But do you really think it’s “really weird” to think English info would be relevant? Really?

Ok you were a bit rude but its not the end of the world. You've apologized and maybe just move on. Don't dwell on it too much.

Yes, there are people living outside of England on this site. Of course there are. But do you really think it’s “really weird” to think English info would be relevant? Really?

It's really weird to being in tangential info that has little to do with the thread anyway and state it as if its obviously relevant to OP, yes.
Sorry you couldn't follow the point made.

bring in

OP if you are still reading - one thing I think very common among people who grew up in anxious environments is to be always 'horizon scanning' for threat.

I don't know your personal background (and have you had therapy??) - but - the reality is that through the course of our day/ week, people will say mildly annoying things or will seem a bit pissed off about stuff - usually all the time that is about them not you.]

I had some difficulties in my childhood that have made me over worried about other peoples reactions.

IF you want to pick apart your friends approach over a tiny comment in a text - you are overreacting. You need to be able to not sweat the small stuff.

It's a skill to develop to think - does someone overall treat me well and interact in a good way - are they a positive person in my life? If so, don't sweat the minor little fall outs. That's healthy - and from your message I pick up you may be unfairly being 'hard work' to those close to you, bringing your own drama and need for reassurance to even minor fallouts.

It's great you are looking to learn and I'm sure you will if you are keen to do so!

Hi op

I think you should be proud of yourself for reading all the honest responses and taking it on board and learning from feedback. Not many people can do this 😊

OP, as PPs have said, it's great that you're treating this a learning experience.

As someone who's always struggled with social interactions too (neurodivergence, etc etc), I hope you don't mind my giving you a bit of advice that has helped me over the years:

When a poster said something you found unhelpful, you commented on their opinion that you didn't agree with:

How unhelpful and narrow minded you sound.

which made them respond to your response, and then you came back to them with:

But this thread is not about you and is not for you to show off how you and your friends apparently never have poor behavior. Why did you come here?

You've said the thread isn't about them, but then you've asked them another question, which is likely to elicit more conversation to potentially derail the thread further.

I don't think either you or Molotov are in the wrong - everyone's entitled to their opinion, but if you don't want to give additional oxygen/headspace to an opinion you find unhelpful, you do have the option of simply ignoring it.

Otherwise it can end up creating the unnecessary drama - IME, the feeling of obligation to respond to people is related the notion of turn-taking in conversations (including why you originally felt entitled to an answer in your text), and I find that adhering rigidly to these social rules as opposed to adjusting the rules to fit the context is often what inadvertently creates the unwanted drama.

For me, it's one of those things where you have to learn the rules, and then it takes years of practice to work out when to modify or dissolve them and interpret the nuances of interactions - I can't claim to be an expert as I'm only recently getting to grips with this one myself, but I have noticed that the level of drama in my life decreased significantly once I started getting comfortable with the messiness of social interactions and realised that it's possible to move forward without a clear resolution to every issue.

YABU

Your first question to him is how I'd phrase a snotty chase up email at work, not a whatapp to a friend. If I'd have recieved that I would be a bit WTF.

I probably would have responded with something like

"Yikes, sorry to hear that. I hope you feel better soon -let me know if you need anything".

Your response made it all about you and a MUCH bigger issue that it needs to be.

@Wondergirl100

OP if you are still reading - one thing I think very common among people who grew up in anxious environments is to be always 'horizon scanning' for threat.

I don't know your personal background (and have you had therapy??) - but - the reality is that through the course of our day/ week, people will say mildly annoying things or will seem a bit pissed off about stuff - usually all the time that is about them not you.]

I had some difficulties in my childhood that have made me over worried about other peoples reactions.

IF you want to pick apart your friends approach over a tiny comment in a text - you are overreacting. You need to be able to not sweat the small stuff.

It's a skill to develop to think - does someone overall treat me well and interact in a good way - are they a positive person in my life? If so, don't sweat the minor little fall outs. That's healthy - and from your message I pick up you may be unfairly being 'hard work' to those close to you, bringing your own drama and need for reassurance to even minor fallouts.

It's great you are looking to learn and I'm sure you will if you are keen to do so!

This is a good point. My Sister does that. She had a normal upbringing but had spent the last 20 years in a very dog eat dog career and dysfunctional/abusive relationships which makes her assume every communication is a potential threat. It can mean she is often very chippy and hard to talk to.

OP, I think it is good you are being so receptive. For my DSiS she changed careers and now also works with 'normal people with normal families' and seeing how they interact has made a huge difference.

He didn't make a mistake. You did. So just say sorry, didn't mean to hassle you when you were feeling unwell. And move on from there.
And learn to let things go ... it doesn't matter whether his son is 11 or 12, so why the peremptory question in the first place? You don't need to be so aggressive/defensive, it must be so tiring.