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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

There's no photo of me

116 replies

tinnedpears · 21/04/2021 14:15

My FIL has never liked me, I'm well aware of this. I don't know quite what I have done wrong, other than being a single mum when I got together with dh. Anyway, we got married, and he was civilised enough even though he was, I could tell, resentful.

Anyhooo.....

It's took me 3 years, yes 3 years, to clock that the wedding photograph displayed in their hallway was one of my dh, with his parents. I am nowhere to be seen.

They have two more children, daughters, and their photos of their weddings are displayed in large frames on the wall. Dh's is a small photo on the hall table.

AIBU to be very hurt by this? Am I reading too much into it? I haven't got a large ego which is why it took me 3 years to notice that I was nowhere to be seen.

AIBU here?

OP posts:
Cocksinsocks · 21/04/2021 14:19

You know he doesn't like you already. This just confirms it. Sounds like an araehole. I wouldn't give it any more thought. Not worth your time.

steppemum · 21/04/2021 14:19

print one, frame it in similar frame to the siblings and give it to them as a gift with a tag - I noticed that you don;t have a photo of us on our wedding and thought it would be nice for you to have one to match the ones of dh siblings.

or, if wedding is too long ago, do similar with another photo with same message - I notice you haven't got a photo of both of us, liek you have with dh siblings, and thought you'd like one to make it complete

Aprilshowersandhail · 21/04/2021 14:20

When is their anniversary op? Huge canvas of you and dh!!

ThePelicansBriefs · 21/04/2021 14:22

But with respect, you’ve said you know he doesn’t like you. I wouldn’t want a photo of someone I don’t like on my wall!
I’d just ignore it. It’s not worth the stress.

Cindersrellie · 21/04/2021 14:23

Is it a photo in a frame? If so, you could get a replacement printed a secretly replace it next time you are over Grin YANBU, that is hurtful.

Bluedeblue · 21/04/2021 14:23

Can't understand anyone having these types of photo's on display. I just never would do this. Leave them in albums!

ClarrieGrundy · 21/04/2021 14:24

He doesn't like you. You're not going to change that.

I'm sure you have people in your life who love you, and people who think you are great. Concentrate on them.

Original poster
tinnedpears · 21/04/2021 14:24

I should add that MIL does whatever FIL wants, and so she will have had to have gone along with this when choosing the photo. So I now feel angry and hurt at her, which is saddening as even though we've never been close I've never had a problem with her.

OP posts:
GoWalkabout · 21/04/2021 14:25

Did your dh give him a photo?

Catswithflamingos · 21/04/2021 14:25

My in laws did this to me (and my husband actually) so for Christmas I got them a nice frame with a photo of us in 😂

DDIJ · 21/04/2021 14:25

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Catswithflamingos · 21/04/2021 14:26

Also, in our wedding book (one we displayed at our wedding, not OF the wedding) I left my own father out of all the photos. I had no idea until he came and told me he was upset. I was heartbroken.

SandyY2K · 21/04/2021 14:27

Not unreasonable to be hurt, but such is life.

Don't frame one like suggested above. If they wanted a photo including you, they'd have done one.
It's their house, leave them to to it.

wombatspoopcubes · 21/04/2021 14:27

@Aprilshowersandhail

When is their anniversary op? Huge canvas of you and dh!!
This was my first thought. Hige canvas, mugs with your mug on them, place mats with your picture on them. Plenty of photo accessoires to give in the coming years Grin
EuroTrashed · 21/04/2021 14:27

I can top that - my fil not only has no photo of me in his house but he has one of DH posing with his arm around kylie minogue as if she is his partner (though if you look closely, it’s quite uncommitted as his fingers don’t actually touch her Grin)

Yay4spring · 21/04/2021 14:28

The question you have to ask yourself I think is what is he trying to achieve by doing this. I can’t think of an answer that is anything other that he’s really not a pleasant man. Who attacks one of their children like this (and it is an attack on your DH and his choices first and foremost IMO). It’s hard to understand why someone would do something you would never consider doing. He has a value set so different from yours that you can’t comprehend his actions. I suspect that’s part of the reason you DH fell in love with you.

TheOneWithTheBigNose · 21/04/2021 14:28

I can see why it’s hurtful.
But you’ve already said you know he doesn’t like you, so it’s not a surprise, surely? Most people wouldn’t have a photo of someone they dislike on their walls.

Original poster
tinnedpears · 21/04/2021 14:28

I'm liking the forced photos idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
tinnedpears · 21/04/2021 14:30

@Yay4spring

The question you have to ask yourself I think is what is he trying to achieve by doing this. I can’t think of an answer that is anything other that he’s really not a pleasant man. Who attacks one of their children like this (and it is an attack on your DH and his choices first and foremost IMO). It’s hard to understand why someone would do something you would never consider doing. He has a value set so different from yours that you can’t comprehend his actions. I suspect that’s part of the reason you DH fell in love with you.
What a lovely thing to say, thank you :)
OP posts:
Yay4spring · 21/04/2021 14:30

Personally I would carry on like you haven’t noticed. With my DH parents, it’s been my DH choice to take it one step further and now we only meet on neutral territory - not our house or theirs.

cripez · 21/04/2021 14:31

My FiL didn't like me either. I was a working class girl 'marrying up' in his opinion. I had to endure a lot of shit in the run up to our wedding, and afterwards as I didn't return to my career (because it was making me ill, and our child is disabled).

He died 4 years ago and is forever deified in the memories of the rest of the in-laws. I would stand up for myself now, but there's nobody to stand up to any more.

I have had to let my anger with him go, it's a work in progress, but really I would recommend doing the same too. They won't change, so we have to change how we react to them.

Rainbowandscarlett · 21/04/2021 14:41

My mother did this on their 25th wedding anniversary party

There are 5 photo albums of that night-and not one photo of me
It’s like I wasn’t even there-she even binned my present

I ignored it-I’m not giving her the satisfaction of knowing she’d hurt me

Fast forward a bit and I have kids

Not one photo of mine hanging in the house

My brother has a sprog and it’s wall to wall pics of him/them hanging everywhere

Nothing I can do really but it really hurts

Disneyblue · 21/04/2021 14:45

Oh well. His loss! Move on!

honeylulu · 21/04/2021 14:48

My PIL had not one but two framed photos (one engagement and one wedding) up of H and his first wife, for years after they'd divorced and we'd been together.
They had no kids together and the marriage had only lasted 18 months, for context. I politely asked MIL if she'd kindly take them down and she just laughed and said no. We had an official engagement pic taken and gave them a framed one and she put it up next to the one of him and ex!

She was a very difficult person and H advised not arguing about it but discreetly taking action.

When they were on holiday and we were feeding their cats H disposed of both photos leaving empty frames. In a moment of naughtiness I added a photo of my grandfather's dog to one of them. That was removed soon enough!

Meowchickameowmeow · 21/04/2021 14:53

Why be upset and angry about something that's taken you 3 years to notice? It can't be that big of a deal really.