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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

There's no photo of me

116 replies

tinnedpears · 21/04/2021 14:15

My FIL has never liked me, I'm well aware of this. I don't know quite what I have done wrong, other than being a single mum when I got together with dh. Anyway, we got married, and he was civilised enough even though he was, I could tell, resentful.

Anyhooo.....

It's took me 3 years, yes 3 years, to clock that the wedding photograph displayed in their hallway was one of my dh, with his parents. I am nowhere to be seen.

They have two more children, daughters, and their photos of their weddings are displayed in large frames on the wall. Dh's is a small photo on the hall table.

AIBU to be very hurt by this? Am I reading too much into it? I haven't got a large ego which is why it took me 3 years to notice that I was nowhere to be seen.

AIBU here?

OP posts:
notalwaysalondoner · 21/04/2021 16:24

I think my parents have one of just me, my siblings, and them - never occurred to DH to be upset by it. To be fair, they like him a lot, so that helps. But I think also to my parents, despite liking DH and us having been together for 10+ years since we were 19, he's still not 'their' family. Maybe it would be different if we lived locally and they spent a lot more time with him, but in my heart of hearts I know that's how they feel, and actually I think it's fairly reasonable - they didn't raise him from a baby, he's the partner of their child, not their child.

TheOneWithTheBigNose · 21/04/2021 16:25

Would your DD not be upset to only have a small pic of her in her wedding day displayed? My DD would take me to task if the pic of her and her DH on their wedding day was not visible from space

Neither of my parents (separated) have a photo of my wedding day displayed. Never occurred to me to be upset about it! I think in laws have one up but not entirely sure (they live abroad and we haven’t been over for a couple of years).
I don’t have my wedding photos displayed I can’t really be miffed if other people don’t Grin

DontBeRidiculous · 21/04/2021 16:27

YANBU. It sounds like FIL is a jerk, and MIL is too weak to stand up to him.

The best course of action (aside from the idea of giving them items with your face on them for every occasion from now on! Grin) is to ignore him (or even both of them) and pretend they don't even exist, except when it's unavoidable.

ravenmum · 21/04/2021 16:40

Would your DD not be upset to only have a small pic of her in her wedding day displayed?
Can I have a big one of her and a small one of her now bf? :)
When the time comes I'll probably have one of them both though, as I already worry about whether there are similar number of photos of her and her brother, in case one of them thinks there's a preference - so the photo pressure is already well established!

saraclara · 21/04/2021 16:41

I don’t have my wedding photos displayed I can’t really be miffed if other people don’t

Exactly! I never displayed any photos of our wedding. I never displayed any photos of us, full stop. We knew what we looked like and we lived with each other! Grin

I don't recall what photos my inlaws had up. They had a fair few, but I don't recall wedding photos. There was one of me and my DH that we had taken for their Christmas present one year, though.

I would have been totally unbothered if they'd had a photo of them with my DH on our wedding day though. They loved him, it would have been a rare professional picture, and I find it entirely understandable that they might want it on the wall/mantle piece.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 21/04/2021 16:48

Yes YABU

You are pissed off because there is a nice photo of your Il's with their Son in their house?

Do your parents have photos of your DH on displayin their house?

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 21/04/2021 16:54

My MIL has a picture of just my husband on his wedding day. None with me.

Unless it was an amateur snap, isn't it quite difficult to get a professional wedding photo without one of the couple in it? I suppose they may take some of just the bride with XXX or just the groom with XXX; even so, a picture of a groom on his own often isn't that obvious that it's his wedding day: it's just a man in a smart suit. He might be about to be up before the magistrate Grin Even if he has posh tails or a button-hole flower or something, it could still be from somebody else's wedding. At least it's usually easy to tell which one is the bride!

MadMadMadamMim · 21/04/2021 16:55

I honestly wouldn't care. Why would you want him to have a photo of you?

He manages to be civil, by the sound of it, if not warm.

I would ignore and be just as politely neutral in return. Presumably you haven't got photos of him in your house?

saraclara · 21/04/2021 16:57

Unless it was an amateur snap, isn't it quite difficult to get a professional wedding photo without one of the couple in it?

No. There were definitely photos of just my daughter/just my son in law in their wedding collection.

bigbadbossy · 21/04/2021 17:03

Ultimately it's their house and their decision what to display in it.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 21/04/2021 17:03

No. There were definitely photos of just my daughter/just my son in law in their wedding collection.

Actually, come to think of it, you're absolutely right. I haven't been to a wedding for a very long time! Pro photographers do tend to take photos of 'the bride and her parents', 'the groom and his groomsmen' etc. In that case, there must be an expectation for people to use/keep/display those photos, then, otherwise why would they be part of the standard repertoire and taken in the first place?

ravenmum · 21/04/2021 17:05

I don't actually display any of my old wedding pictures, but it is quite nice to have some really decent pictures of me looking nicely done up, but without my exh in the shot!

FamBae · 21/04/2021 17:07

I voted you are being unreasonable to be hurt only because you already know he doesn't like you so why are you surprised about the photo, it should just confirm for you that your fil is a dick and not worth wasting any more thinking time on.

TheGlassBlowersDaughter · 21/04/2021 17:11

It happens quite often. There have been lots of threads on here with MILs or FILs getting wedding photos without the bride, etc. The photo is indicative of the relationship not the other way round. Are you embarrassed because other people will see the difference?

SelkieIntegrated · 21/04/2021 17:14

That would be hurtful, but if he has devalued you because you were a single mother then he is a bigot and an unkind judgmental man so i would think less of him for that.

Stop trying!!
Talk about the weather. Relentlessly.

legaleaglenot · 21/04/2021 17:27

It's horrid for you OP, but my late FIL was like this too.

Tal45 · 21/04/2021 17:28

My MIL put up a photo of my OH with his ex after she met me for the first time. She's dead now thank god.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 21/04/2021 17:32

Put wedding/family photos all over your home with him obviously cut out of them.

He's a tw*t.

PhillipPhillop · 21/04/2021 17:36

If it took you 3 years to notice then mil must wonder why you are suddenly annoyed with her! Perhaps it's the nicest one of them who knows. Just another one of life's bumps that you either get over and forget it or you let it annoy you and live with bad vibes for the rest of your life.

WilsonMilson · 21/04/2021 17:41

I have a similar situation with my step mother who absolutely loathes me, for no apparent reason other than that I’m my dad’s only child and I can only assume it’s a jealousy of sorts.

They met and married (she is wife number 3) when I was already an adult. She has two adult daughters from a previous marriage. The house is covered in pics of her daughters and her grandchildren. Absolutely zero of me or my ds, who is my dad’s only grandchild. My dad is useless and spineless and seems to just go along with it.

I’ve long since stopped caring and just think she’s pathetic. She has no time for my ds at all, and a couple of years ago told a blatant lie about not having a birthday party for my dad. I found out a couple of days after the event (it was held at a hotel for over 100 people) that she had indeed held a huge surprise (for him) gathering and not invited me.
I cut all contact with her at that point.

Cryalot2 · 21/04/2021 17:48

Life is too short to worry about this . He only makes himself look bad .

ILikeMango · 21/04/2021 17:51

@Bluedeblue

Can't understand anyone having these types of photo's on display. I just never would do this. Leave them in albums!
I love seeing people’s pictures of their family and history but it’s not like I’m going to ask to see an album. We have a close extended family and friend group and in my own home I really enjoy being surrounded by reminders of those wonderful memories. The key is to have a well-curated variety of objectively “good” photos in coordinated but simple frames, not too small or too big. Some people prefer to keep them in informal/private family spaces but it seems so sad to have none at all.
pepsicolagirl · 21/04/2021 17:52

My mums only photo of my wedding is of her and I. I doubt my OH would even notice.

It is a bit odd to try to control which photos someone has on display in their own home...

WowIlikereallyhateyou · 21/04/2021 17:53

Me and my OH, NC’d after many,many horrible incidents. MIL stating she wanted a wedding picture of OH without me to my face on. She happily displayed OH’s first wedding pictures. She didn’t get ANY wedding pictures, she was a total cow. Even pulled me to the side on my wedding day to tell me she would kill me if I didn’t look after her son properly, and took great pleasure in telling me how beautiful everyone looked with the exception of me the bride. It is so cathartic that we don’t need to deal with such a bitter and jealous individual now.

Grapewrath · 21/04/2021 17:57

My fil is the same and mil is a wet wipe. Mil also wanted daughters and never got them so has pictures of the granddaughters everywhere and not one of DS.
I can’t bring myself to give much of a fuck. I keep my distance and suggest you do the same