Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

There's no photo of me

116 replies

tinnedpears · 21/04/2021 14:15

My FIL has never liked me, I'm well aware of this. I don't know quite what I have done wrong, other than being a single mum when I got together with dh. Anyway, we got married, and he was civilised enough even though he was, I could tell, resentful.

Anyhooo.....

It's took me 3 years, yes 3 years, to clock that the wedding photograph displayed in their hallway was one of my dh, with his parents. I am nowhere to be seen.

They have two more children, daughters, and their photos of their weddings are displayed in large frames on the wall. Dh's is a small photo on the hall table.

AIBU to be very hurt by this? Am I reading too much into it? I haven't got a large ego which is why it took me 3 years to notice that I was nowhere to be seen.

AIBU here?

OP posts:
mam0918 · 21/04/2021 15:46

So its a photo of them with their son on their wedding day... so a family portrait of them with their child? doesnt sound odd at all.

I dont even have any photos of my own wedding up I certainly wouldnt expect my IL to have photos including me up although they do have several of our children.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 21/04/2021 15:48

Oh
I would go the other way
" I really love that picture of you two and dh. I'm glad you took the chance to have a picture of the 3 of you together. I'm sure you treasure, just like the lovely pictures of your daughters. My Mum and Dad chose one of me and dh together"

Or,in other words, I am on to you and so is your son you fucking dimwits

Getoffmyhat · 21/04/2021 15:48

Print out pictures of your face and stick them over every face in all the photos in their house- see if they notice.

SandAndSea · 21/04/2021 15:51

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. But, that said, in my experience, it's usually women who get involved with photos so I'm wondering if their daughters possibly gifted them the photos of them? Could it be that it's your husband who's missed a trick here?

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 21/04/2021 15:52

Can't understand anyone having these types of photo's on display. I just never would do this. Leave them in albums!

Fair enough if it's not your thing, but you really can't understand why people want to have photos of their loved ones and reminders of their happy occasions on their walls???

I think it's just some people's differing mindsets: to many, a new DIL/SIL is a happy new addition to the family, and they will naturally put up photos of them - although possibly more likely in group shots rather than just of them; but to others, whether they like you or not, they see you as somebody who married somebody in their family and it doesn't occur to them to have a photo of you up, especially when - as a PP says - there is a similar one of their DS/DD available without you in it. I think that's particularly odd when it's their DS/DD's wedding day and they don't have a picture that shows them with the person they actually married on that day; but clearly, others see it differently.

I am liking the idea of giving them a massive canvas print of you both, though - the full Bishop Brennan Grin

Cinnamon12345 · 21/04/2021 15:53

I don’t have any pictures of my dil . I hadn’t noticed ....

BlueDahlia69 · 21/04/2021 15:54

Display one of You DH and MIL 😂
excluding FIL 🤣

MsTSwift · 21/04/2021 15:56

Mean. My parents are so sweet they ensure there are the exact same number of pictures of the 3 of us grandchildren and sons in law!

Treacletreacle · 21/04/2021 15:58

My partners grandmother has a picture of his wedding on the wall. His been divorced 15 years we have been together 12. His uncle once joked to me have I noticed the picture on a family visit. I replied yes and look how unhappy he looks compared to how happy he is now. That shut him up.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 21/04/2021 15:58

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. But, that said, in my experience, it's usually women who get involved with photos so I'm wondering if their daughters possibly gifted them the photos of them? Could it be that it's your husband who's missed a trick here?

Plausible, but if you have a professional photographer, don't they still pass around the prints for the couple and their immediate family to order some from? Even if you don't, I'd expect most parents (yes, probably driven by the DMs) to proactively want a nice big photo of their child's wedding day.

Surely you don't normally think "Well, what a huge special, highly-significant day for my grown-up child. And there were lots of photos taken, as planned, as is normally the case at weddings. Oh well, not that we could possibly want any for ourselves...."

saraclara · 21/04/2021 15:59

@Cinnamon12345

I don’t have any pictures of my dil . I hadn’t noticed ....
You and I are obviously evil MILs who have done it deliberately, then.

It has honestly never occurred to me. And most of the photos I have on display were given to me by my daughters anyway. Ones of them, of them with their late Dad, ones with my Granddaughter. I've never been given one of them with their partners.

VaVaGloom · 21/04/2021 16:04

Next time he comes to yours have a a picture of him up, pride of place, on a dartboard.

ShatnersWig · 21/04/2021 16:04

I'm an only child. At my parents house there are two framed photos of me on either shelves or walls, one of me with them about 20 years ago and one of me on my own 15 years ago.

There are some 15 photos of a friend's child that they looked after when friend was a single mum and working. The child is now 12 and has always called them nan and gramp even though he has two sets of grandparents. They play games with him.

They never played games with me. One Christmas about 5 years ago I gave my parents a photo frame to hold three photos and said "let me know if you'll display it upright or horizontal and I'll give you three photos of me to go in it".

My late nan sat next to me leaned over and said "I know why you did that. Good for you."

It's never been used. Other family members have noticed and find it odd. I'm a 47 year old bloke but it still hurts

People are weird, OP. It's hard not to let things like this get to you especially when you've done nothing wrong.

pigsDOfly · 21/04/2021 16:05

Exactly the same thing with my exh's mother, and yes it was her decision because FIL wouldn't have been involved.

She had no photos at all of our wedding displayed in the house, even photos excluding me.

However, she had numerous photos of every other wedding she'd ever been to, even those of weddings of distant cousins' children who she barely knew and had probably only met a few times.

It's spiteful and meant to hurt and of course you're hurt by it.

Don't let FIL know you've noticed. Just act like you don't care.

SandyY2K · 21/04/2021 16:06

@ancientgran

I have nightmares about this, I've got 4 kids, their partners and half a dozen GC. If I put a new photo up I have to work out if anyone has more photos than anyone else which can be awkward if I have a photo of say a wedding with 2 of my kids 1 of their partners and GC from two different families one of them might end up in 3 photos and another in only 2. I've seen the kids looking at them and working it out. "Where's my mummy" says an angry 3 year old in the hall so I have to take them into the lounge and show them mummy at her wedding and at their brothers wedding.

I love your post, because it reminds me of photos in my parents house. It's bittersweet, as I recently lost my mum, so I smile and cry as I read it.

My kids would say, Grandma and Grandpa haven't got any recent photos of us. We were tiny in those ones

One of my siblings used to give them more photos of their kids and I know my mum didn't like too many of one family. She never said it, but I just knew. She was all for fairness and balance.

ravenmum · 21/04/2021 16:07

I like my dd's bf, but even if they married I'm not sure I'd want to have his photo looking at me as I wander about the house naked. It would have to be a small picture!

If you want to make a point, maybe update your own photo collection and accidentally leave FIL out.

MumW · 21/04/2021 16:14

Two matching frames, displayed in your house, one containing photo of your parents, the other just your MIL. 🤣

Holly60 · 21/04/2021 16:16

@DDIJ

It's horrible that he doesn't like you but I would not expect my in laws to have a picture of me if one of only their son was available.
Are you serious?? I cannot imagine not having my beautiful DDIL and brilliant SIL proudly displayed in their wedding finery alongside my gorgeous DCs!!! What on earth is the point of a wedding photo without the couple in it?
SpringCleanDiva · 21/04/2021 16:18

If your FIL doesn’t like you and you are excluded from their set of extended family photos then there is no need for you to treat them like family either.

Redjumper1 · 21/04/2021 16:19

My MIL has a picture of just my husband on his wedding day. None with me. She also has a picture of our DS and my DH, again not with me. TBH I think she is just embarrassing herself cos everyone can see the pictures and it looks petty. I would just try forget about it. As you say, he doesn't like you anyway and it is unlikely that you like him so that's that. It's disrespectful but that's on him and he is acting in a public way about it so it doesn't really reflect badly on you.

HugeBowlofChips · 21/04/2021 16:19

Get one of those massive canvas-things made of you in an arty pose, and give it to him for Christmas.

My MIL's house is covered of photos of her other daughters in law, and all the other grandchildren. There's not a single one of our daughter, even though we have given school photos etc over the years. I don't know what our crime is. But she did say that her son was making the biggest mistake of his life marrying may. Yes, maybe that's something to do with it. Ha ha.

Holly60 · 21/04/2021 16:20

@ravenmum

I like my dd's bf, but even if they married I'm not sure I'd want to have his photo looking at me as I wander about the house naked. It would have to be a small picture!

If you want to make a point, maybe update your own photo collection and accidentally leave FIL out.

Would your DD not be upset to only have a small pic of her in her wedding day displayed? My DD would take me to task if the pic of her and her DH on their wedding day was not visible from space Grin
HugeBowlofChips · 21/04/2021 16:21

Me. Not May. Typo

SandyY2K · 21/04/2021 16:24

But, that said, in my experience, it's usually women who get involved with photos so I'm wondering if their daughters possibly gifted them the photos of them?

I agree with this actually. In my experience, among friends and family, it's usually the women who do this.

m0therofdragons · 21/04/2021 16:24

My in-laws have lots of pictures of me which I find slightly odd. My parents have one of me and Dh even though we had a lovely one of me with them... in pretty sure they prefer Dh to me and df even commented he never thought anyone would take me on (I’m a strong minded career woman rather than sahm type which df doesn’t understand Grin). I couldn’t stress about this kind of thing.

Swipe left for the next trending thread