Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

There's no photo of me

116 replies

tinnedpears · 21/04/2021 14:15

My FIL has never liked me, I'm well aware of this. I don't know quite what I have done wrong, other than being a single mum when I got together with dh. Anyway, we got married, and he was civilised enough even though he was, I could tell, resentful.

Anyhooo.....

It's took me 3 years, yes 3 years, to clock that the wedding photograph displayed in their hallway was one of my dh, with his parents. I am nowhere to be seen.

They have two more children, daughters, and their photos of their weddings are displayed in large frames on the wall. Dh's is a small photo on the hall table.

AIBU to be very hurt by this? Am I reading too much into it? I haven't got a large ego which is why it took me 3 years to notice that I was nowhere to be seen.

AIBU here?

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 21/04/2021 14:54

It's not worth bothering about, if you are happily married now, that's all that matters. It's usually the woman of the house.who puts up some wedding photo's, so you just have an odd bod of a FIL who is not so nice.

TulipsTwoLips · 21/04/2021 14:57

What does your husband think? I'm not sure you can insist there is a photo of you in someone else's house tbh!

BlueDahlia69 · 21/04/2021 14:58

He sounds like an Arsehole ..

relish the fact your DH loves you, have extra PDA when FIL is around.. 😂

LemmysAceCard · 21/04/2021 14:58

I wouldnt sweat it OP, i have been with DP for 21 years, his parents dont like me either as i was a single mother when we met. I have never done anything to them or DP but they have never had a photo up of me in their house. Although we havent got married so that could be a reason but have had babies and still no photo. I would be shocked if there is any photos of my kids (joint with DP) in their house, SIL is the golden child and defacto her kids and grandkids are the golden ones also.

To be fair, i have never had a photo of the ILs in my house either!

YoniAndGuy · 21/04/2021 15:06

I don't think I could resist getting a print of the same size of one with all four of you in and discreetly swapping them over on the next visit. See how long it takes them to notice. And if it's basically the same shot with you as the only difference, I bet they'll do a double take and think 'Hang on... was that the one we used?' Grin

Maggiesfarm · 21/04/2021 15:08

Why doesn't he like you?

Pinkdelight3 · 21/04/2021 15:08

My in-laws have a big montage of dozens of family photos in a heart shaped framed. Featuring several shots of everyone (including many of DH and DC) but not me. We get on okay but aren't really each other's type. It honestly quite tickles me. I'm not even sure they've noticed, but even if it was deliberate I don't mind. People feel how they feel. I like them well enough, but wouldn't want to be looking at pictures of them on my walls either.

Bluntness100 · 21/04/2021 15:10

To be honest if he doesn’t like you he’s unlikely going to want to display your pic in his own home. People tend not to display pics of peoooe they don’t like. The bigger issue is he doesn’t like you. The photo is just a symptom of that.

CharityDingle · 21/04/2021 15:12

@Aprilshowersandhail

When is their anniversary op? Huge canvas of you and dh!!
And matching cushion covers, and a few throws. And a rug. Grin

Just ignore, OP. It's not worth getting stressed about. The important thing is your own relationship and your family.

Your FIL doesn't matter in the scheme of things.

pommedeterre · 21/04/2021 15:12

Has your DH noticed? If it was me I would ask my DH why he thought we didn't feature on the big wedding picture wall. I would want him to acknowledge it I think (especially if you have to go round there because of him wanting to).

MotherOfCrocodiles · 21/04/2021 15:12

Hm, my PILs have a framed photo of our wedding which is basically a picture of DH and about half of me (other half of my face is out of frame). It pretty much sums things up I think! However I do not have a photo of them in my house either so hardly in a position to complain!

twinmum2007 · 21/04/2021 15:13

When my DBIL got married, I asked for one of the pics because it was such a lovely one of DH. I didn't notice until someone pointed it out that the other people in the picc are BIL, FIL, MIL and me. No SIL. Seriously, I never noticed, i only had eyes for DH (icky vom face, I know)....they are no longer married though. Hmm

EveningOverRooftops · 21/04/2021 15:18

@Rainbowandscarlett

My mother did this on their 25th wedding anniversary party

There are 5 photo albums of that night-and not one photo of me
It’s like I wasn’t even there-she even binned my present

I ignored it-I’m not giving her the satisfaction of knowing she’d hurt me

Fast forward a bit and I have kids

Not one photo of mine hanging in the house

My brother has a sprog and it’s wall to wall pics of him/them hanging everywhere

Nothing I can do really but it really hurts

Same. No photos of me and DC in mother’s house and there’s several whacking great multi aperture frames full of every sibling and grandkid so plenty of space for us to be added but nope. We are not there

Old line on here. When someone shows you who they are, belive them.

toffeebutterpopcorn · 21/04/2021 15:21

This is the second thread about photos... so I will now confess...

When it was my dads landmark birthday I did a bit of a collage of photos and text, with photos from when he was tiny and all the kids and grandchildren... it wasn’t until my ex SIL had a good look at it that she realised that she wasn’t in it. But the dog was...

This really wasn’t planned - I just used the photos that I had to hand (I was living miles away and it was a good 20+ years ago, so not everyone had scanner/email) and the ones that people sent me (so blame DB for that one).

In all fairness... we did prefer the dog (who was at least always sober).

My parents never had any photos of me as a child. There is one of me as a baby (well a small bundle in my sisters arms) and about half a dozen of me as a toddler that my brother took (only because he built a darkroom).

SandyY2K · 21/04/2021 15:23

They have two more children, daughters, and their photos of their weddings are displayed in large frames on the wall. Dh's is a small photo on the hall table.

Given that they only have a small picture of your DHs wedding, I doubt that they wanted it to be obvious you weren't visible, otherwise they'd have a large frame, which you would have noticed 3 years ago.

I guess they could get away with it, as the other two are their daughters.

noirchatsdeux · 21/04/2021 15:23

My FIL doesn't like me either, for a laundry list of reasons...I'm foreign (half French, the absolute worst), Catholic, Divorced, Bipolar, Cancer Survivor x 2 (that has actually been used against me by him, unbelievably)...there's probably more. I'm the evil woman who has stopped my partner from having children - the fact that I was 41 and partner was 39 when we met meaning children were highly unlikely anyway not occuring to him...

After a lot of bullshit from him that I wouldn't have put up with from my own parents, I haven't seen either of them in about 7 years. Living 200 miles away has its perks!

If your FIL wants to pretend you don't exist, it leaves you free to do the same.

AgentJohnson · 21/04/2021 15:27

For your own sanity you need to let go of wanting him to acknowledge you. The art of not giving a F is simple not giving a F and you are in control of that.

Parkperson · 21/04/2021 15:28

How many photos of your FIL do you have up in your house, OP?

Aneley · 21/04/2021 15:28

My PIL claim they love me... and I do believe they're quite fond of me... however, after 7 years of marriage (the other son is happily divorced, single and without children) and their only GC I still didn't deserve a single photo in their home :D No wedding photos either. The time stopped when both sons were still at home :D I find it funny though and am genuinely fond of them both.

AIMD · 21/04/2021 15:30

@Cocksinsocks

You know he doesn't like you already. This just confirms it. Sounds like an araehole. I wouldn't give it any more thought. Not worth your time.
This. I’d just have as little interaction with them as possible and get on with your life. Don’t expect anything from them (I’m talking emotionally ).
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/04/2021 15:36

YANBU to be upset about it, because it's fucking rude - but I agree that you shouldn't give this any more headspace.

He's a rude wanker, he doesn't consider you part of the family, so I suggest you respond in kind and refuse to consider him as part of YOUR family - in the most civil way of course. Grey rock any insults or bad behaviour from him if you have to see or interact with him, but if you have the option to never see him again, I'd choose that one.

Don't waste time, energy or money on sending them photos because they'll only be binned. Just don't even bother trying to get them to change - for whatever reason, he's taken against you. Just make sure that whenever they need help/care/money or anything else, that you are never put up for it - their daughters can take on that role.

saraclara · 21/04/2021 15:41

The only photo from my daughter's wedding that I have on display, is of her, her sister and me, in the wedding car. It has never occurred to me that I should have a bride and groom photo, and I like her DH. It just happens to be a really lovely photo that's important to me.

Maybe your PIL's just liked the photo of them and their son? Maybe they don't have many and this was a particularly nice one?

Even if your FIL doesn't like you much, I wouldn't read too much into it. I very much hope my Son in law doesn't.

Pyewackect · 21/04/2021 15:41

..... wouldn't bother me. Just get on with your life and leave them to theirs.

KOKOagainandagain · 21/04/2021 15:43

I really didn't give a toss and was mildly amused by my non-existence before we had DC and GP brought out the 'family' album that included H's former girlfriend but didn't have a single picture of me. Wedding photos with no bride, deliberately chosen.

Obviously primarily it was designed to punish H for his choice but the ripples spread out and even if I batted them away, DC were confused and hurt that their mum was not considered to be part of the family. Contact was reduced after casually cruel comments would reduce DC to tears.

My DC had a close relationship with maternal GPs when they were alive but have no desire to connect with paternal GPs who are still alive. Because they are toxic related strangers best avoided.

ancientgran · 21/04/2021 15:44

I have nightmares about this, I've got 4 kids, their partners and half a dozen GC. If I put a new photo up I have to work out if anyone has more photos than anyone else which can be awkward if I have a photo of say a wedding with 2 of my kids 1 of their partners and GC from two different families one of them might end up in 3 photos and another in only 2. I've seen the kids looking at them and working it out. "Where's my mummy" says an angry 3 year old in the hall so I have to take them into the lounge and show them mummy at her wedding and at their brothers wedding.

I love family photos but sometimes feel like taking them all down.