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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feel differently about DP now re a money thing

146 replies

PurplePinkParade · 20/04/2021 14:57

Very recently found out I'm pregnant. Big shock to us as I have problems with my ovaries and doctor estimated it would take years for me to get pregnant yet it happened quite quickly. Absolutely over the moon. It's a reasonably new relationship, we dated for a while at first. We've been living together for 9 months, he moved into my rented home with me and 4yo DD, splits the bills etc. Everything has been great so far.

I want to stress how much of a brilliant partner this man is. Kind, helpful, hardworking, just the greatest person I've ever met. Cares for my child as his own. I knew I'd met the right person immediately. It wasn't love at first sight it was just a comfortable, I'm home, feeling. Sorry for sappiness just wanted to stress I have never in over a year had a single worry about this man. Until now.

Baby is due in December so we were doing some planning, discussed the idea of buying a house next year. DP very excited for all of this. I decide to speak to a mortgage advisor to see what we can afford. Did all my side of it. Suddenly DP starts stalling, busy at work etc.

A few days later were on a walk and he tells me he has a CCJ, from 5 years ago. He says 2 weeks ago he did a credit check and found it, didn't know how to tell me. It's due to expire in December. He says he had no idea he had this or what it's for. He says he's never chased it or been to court and promised me he had no idea. He has moved 8 times in 10 years and lived all over and claims he must have had a forgotten bill from a gym membership or phone. It's only for £450. He earns a decent salary and doesn't have credit for anything, doesn't even have a credit card. If he got a £450 bill he'd just pay it, nowadays at least.

I had a bit of an anxiety attack as my ex had a lot of hidden debt, he lied about it for months and then I found out he was £11k of debt and eventually took out an IVA. And he stole from me repeatedly, gaslighted me. I'm having flashbacks to this now and completely panicking.

I have no reason to believe he's lying about not knowing. But how can a 35 year old man have never checked his credit score? How's he never had letters etc? He's rented 5 properties, surely it flagged up on a credit check?

He does have a dodgy ex who constantly got herself into debt years ago, and the CCJ is from 2015 when he was with her, so could it be something she'd done?

The thing that's worrying me most is, he still won't do this credit check for the mortgage advisor. He keeps putting it off saying I'll be disappointed in him. I don't know what to do.

I'm now panicking so much. I'm having a baby with this man. It's even making me reconsider that... DP would be heartbroken if he knew this.

YABU - stop worrying, it's a mistake from 5 years ago, help him sort it and move on

YANBU - be wary, he's lying about something

OP posts:

MiaRoma · 22/04/2021 06:03

Why won't he check his credit score now? What else is he worried about finding?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 22/04/2021 06:32

@Ireolu

The second bit about not wanting to do the checks for the advisor is odd and needs unpicking with him..

This is the bit I'd be concerned about.

It's such a simple (and harmless) thing. So why not?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 22/04/2021 06:32

Plus - these things don't magically disappear just because you ignore them. That's not how it works.

KinseyWinsey · 22/04/2021 06:44

He should check it out.

Dh had a CCJ against him. Turns out it against someone with the same name. A clerical error.

It really messed up our mortgage application because of sheer incompetence.

me4real · 22/04/2021 06:50

@PurplePinkParade If he gets a check with the mortgage company and fails, it could damage his score further I think- but I'm sure you would know whether that's the case or not.

Has he paid off the £450 now, or is it moot? Might it be better to wait till December to apply to move, when the thing will have expired? I suppose you know these things and think it'll be ok.

I couldn't get finding my credit score using clear-thingy to work properly.

Pongo101 · 22/04/2021 06:52

It happened to me over a train ticket. In my uni days I had been traveling (unintentionally) with a ticket that I didn't realize was for specific trains only.

Got a fine and sent the money and form back in the post.

Moved city shortly after that because I had finished uni.

Years later during a credit check for a phone contract I failed and didn't know why.

Couple of years later a debt collection company found me. Apparently the fine payment never arrived and being a stupid student I never bothered to check on it at the time.

Fine was for about 50 quid. Paid a few hundred in the end.

me4real · 22/04/2021 06:54

My sister was a victim of identity fraud- hundreds of thousands of pound's worth.

She was able to sort it out with the banks etc, get them all to agree it wasn't her, and bought her own home a year or so later.

@PurplePinkParade Do you know much about mortgage stuff? Does he have much to worry about when it comes to his application if it's genuinely just a small CCJ?

alwayswrighty · 22/04/2021 07:09

*It’s two separate issues. The ccj I can actually believe maybe a letter got lost and he didn’t realise. I certainly don’t go around credit checking myself all the time, the last time I did was before we reapplied for a new mortgage.

It’s the second bit that would worry me - the “not wanting to do a credit check” now bit. If he’s owned up to the ccj then what else is there to hide?*

This.

My concern would be that he either has current debt he's not told you about or it was a lot worse when he was with his ex. He needs to get a credit report (credit Karma is free) so that you can both see the extent of it and fix it from there.

One thing I will say though is be wary. My ex had a secret debt that I paid off, and then he took out new credit and wracked up secret debt again. Eventually it led partially to our divorce.

irishoak · 22/04/2021 07:11

The red flag for me is keeping things from you/not wanting to do something because he knows he'll disappoint you - this was a manipulative little game my STBXH used to play too. He hasn't told you something massively important, but the focus is now on your reaction. You don't get to be actually upset and disappointed because then he'll go, "See!? I was right not to tell you! I knew you'd react like this!", or in your situation if you "make" him go to see the mortgage advisor when he doesn't want to, then you'll have "made" him disappoint you.

Maybe my own bad experience is making me think of this, but it definitely rings my alarm bells.

DianaT1969 · 22/04/2021 07:33

Slow down. You're in a new relationship. You must only be a few weeks pregnant. You don't have to hitch your finances to his for a couple of years. The baby will be in your room.
You'll know him a lot better in two years. Have time to sort your finances properly, get married perhaps.
Slow down.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 22/04/2021 07:33

@Toilenstripes

The thing that sticks out for me is that you are building a life with a man you barely know and aren’t married to. You are very vulnerable and need to protect yourself. I hope he finds the strength within himself to sort this out. Financial problems can be very embarrassing.

This ^ I’d be far more worried about how fast this was going especially as there is an existing child in the middle of it rather than a smallish debt from years ago.

SusannahMartin · 22/04/2021 07:47

I also feel uneasy about the 'you'd be disappointed' comment. I'm also concerned that this seems similar to your ex- started with a little story and then unraveled. We often inadvertently go for similar types of people.

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 22/04/2021 07:50

If you're having panic attacks over £450 I can see why he's wary tbh. Calm the hell down, back off a bit. This is all very, early days. There's no need to rush into house buying.

And for what it's worth I'm 40 and have never checked my credit score.

TomPinch · 22/04/2021 07:59

Jeepers. I'm not in England but where I live, if you want to take a small money claim against a person, that person needs to be formally served. If they aren't served the resulting judgment can be binned.

Can you really get a money judgment against a person in England.. basically behind someone's back?

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 22/04/2021 08:02

You need to see what is on his credit report

If he refuses to show you...well then you will know there is much more to this

You are right to be wary!

Cocomarine · 22/04/2021 08:05

I don’t check my credit score, ever.
I’ve never defaulted on credit, ever.
It’s many years since I’ve had any credit bigger than my phone contract (other than mortgage) and the phone contract means I’d know if there was something amiss - which would mean an error to sort.

The fact that he’s still stalling makes me think it’s bullshit and there’s more that you need to get to the bottom of.

Total aside: I don’t understand a doctor “estimating” that it would take years to conceive, especially when you already had a child only a few years ago. I have PCOS, so also an ovarian problem. My chances of conceiving are lower overall (in fact, ended up with IVF after 6 years trying unsuccessfully) but they were no less likely for me in month 1 than month 72. My consultant even as he booked me in for IVF said, “you could conceive tomorrow, or it could take years, or never”. So keep that in mind if you go for a third - it could very easily happen quickly, so make sure it’s when you still are OK with it!

MissTrip82 · 22/04/2021 08:07

I agree with Diana T. Slow down. You don’t need to buy a house right now. Get your finances sorted, have the baby, learn more about this person and let him show you his reliable he can be.

Then consider buying a house.

Endofmytether2 · 22/04/2021 08:07

@PurplePinkParade, how are you? Did you get to the bottom of it all?

Cocomarine · 22/04/2021 08:08

@TomPinch

Can you really get a money judgment against a person in England.. basically behind someone's back?

Yes. Otherwise people would just run up big debts with no intention of ever paying and then move deliberately.

“Behind someone’s back” makes it sound underhand. It’s not underhand to expect someone to pay. In fact, it’s underhand to be the one defaulting!

There are plenty of rules about how long the debt remains enforceable.

Suzi888 · 22/04/2021 08:11

Don’t my credit score, never had a credit card. I hate debt! However I would be wary at his reluctance not to do a credit check now. It’s clearly not £450 is it!

Newmumatlast · 22/04/2021 08:21

@HotToddyColdSauvignon

It’s two separate issues. The ccj I can actually believe maybe a letter got lost and he didn’t realise. I certainly don’t go around credit checking myself all the time, the last time I did was before we reapplied for a new mortgage.

It’s the second bit that would worry me - the “not wanting to do a credit check” now bit. If he’s owned up to the ccj then what else is there to hide?

I’d want to sit down and have a frank talk about finances with bank statements

Basically this. He has admitted the ccj so why would he not agree to a credit check and why would you be disappointed in him if it will just show exactly what you know?

My husband was in serious debt when I met him having been in an abusive relationship and his partner having left him with a lot of debt. Not absolving him from that - I am sure he mustve made poor choices. To be fair to them, they were financially struggling for some time. He got a hold of it, tackled it head on, and now has a fantastic credit score. It isnt the debt id be concerned about but how he now deals with the situation. He should be actively chasing information on this ccj now - anyone who thought it was only that and also that didn't think they had any debt would surely do this. I wouldn't want something inaccurately on my record and would want to know if it was in fact accurate but I'd not realised- and I would want to pay it. Then I would be looking at how to address it.

You mentioned he doesn't even have a credit card... is there a reason for this? I know my husband couldn't get one due to the debt and then had to get one with an awful rate and spend and pay it off routinely to bump his score in the early days.

Gobbeldegook · 22/04/2021 08:32

Ask him to show you he's credit report

SofiaMichelle · 22/04/2021 08:36

You said when you found out about the CCJ you had "a bit of an anxiety attack" and then said you have "sort of PTSD".

Are you diagnosed with anxiety and PTSD or are you just using them as hyperbole?

Being anxious about something sometimes is totally normal and not a fault. We are programmed to be worried and anxious in potentially dangerous situations for very good reason: to protect ourselves and our families! Which is exactly what you need to do here!

If you are feeling worried because of his secrecy and, potentially, lies then that's a good thing.

I would be thinking more about yourself and your very young DD here rather than being concerned that this idyllic new life with someone you barely know is not going to plan.

SofiaMichelle · 22/04/2021 08:45

By the way, although CCJs drop off the public record after 6 years, they are not statute barred.

When the 6 years is up it doesn't mean the money us no longer owed - bailiffs and 'attachment of earnings' orders are still possible.

If Romeo hasn't paid his debt (and fees/charges) he still needs to do so otherwise this is still hanging over him - and of course you, by association, if you live with him.

JustSleepAlready · 22/04/2021 08:46

I’m 40+ have had more than one mortgage. Never done a credit check myself in my life.

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