Feel differently about DP now re a money thing

[PurplePinkParade]

Very recently found out I'm pregnant. Big shock to us as I have problems with my ovaries and doctor estimated it would take years for me to get pregnant yet it happened quite quickly. Absolutely over the moon. It's a reasonably new relationship, we dated for a while at first. We've been living together for 9 months, he moved into my rented home with me and 4yo DD, splits the bills etc. Everything has been great so far.

I want to stress how much of a brilliant partner this man is. Kind, helpful, hardworking, just the greatest person I've ever met. Cares for my child as his own. I knew I'd met the right person immediately. It wasn't love at first sight it was just a comfortable, I'm home, feeling. Sorry for sappiness just wanted to stress I have never in over a year had a single worry about this man. Until now.

Baby is due in December so we were doing some planning, discussed the idea of buying a house next year. DP very excited for all of this. I decide to speak to a mortgage advisor to see what we can afford. Did all my side of it. Suddenly DP starts stalling, busy at work etc.

A few days later were on a walk and he tells me he has a CCJ, from 5 years ago. He says 2 weeks ago he did a credit check and found it, didn't know how to tell me. It's due to expire in December. He says he had no idea he had this or what it's for. He says he's never chased it or been to court and promised me he had no idea. He has moved 8 times in 10 years and lived all over and claims he must have had a forgotten bill from a gym membership or phone. It's only for £450. He earns a decent salary and doesn't have credit for anything, doesn't even have a credit card. If he got a £450 bill he'd just pay it, nowadays at least.

I had a bit of an anxiety attack as my ex had a lot of hidden debt, he lied about it for months and then I found out he was £11k of debt and eventually took out an IVA. And he stole from me repeatedly, gaslighted me. I'm having flashbacks to this now and completely panicking.

I have no reason to believe he's lying about not knowing. But how can a 35 year old man have never checked his credit score? How's he never had letters etc? He's rented 5 properties, surely it flagged up on a credit check?

He does have a dodgy ex who constantly got herself into debt years ago, and the CCJ is from 2015 when he was with her, so could it be something she'd done?

The thing that's worrying me most is, he still won't do this credit check for the mortgage advisor. He keeps putting it off saying I'll be disappointed in him. I don't know what to do.

I'm now panicking so much. I'm having a baby with this man. It's even making me reconsider that... DP would be heartbroken if he knew this.


YABU - stop worrying, it's a mistake from 5 years ago, help him sort it and move on

YANBU - be wary, he's lying about something

[HedgePutty]

Until I needed a mortgage I had never done a credit check, never needed to so that explains that one. A CCJ could also be explained if you know elsewise he’s ok.

But not doing it now is still a bit of a red herring but I think you’re mixing him up with your ex. He knows how upset and worried and anxious you would be about the CCJ he would be worried you would leave him due to your past

[IbrahimaRedTwo]

I honestly felt like I knew him through and through, I'd never had any reason to be concerned, he works hard and earns a good salary. I'd ask him any question he'd tell me any answer, no secrets, until this. Now I feel like I'm questioning everything

Isn't this the real problem? You are with him a very short amount of time, you rushed to move him in, now you are having a baby with him....of course there are going to be any number of things about him you don't know. You rushed into this whole thing and there will be other things to find out you might not like.

[Jent13c]

We had a similar situation, my DH had a missed payment when he was 18, got a credit card with a student account but no way to actually pay the credit card. I think it went to a ccj. As a previous banking adviser I do actually believe the credit card was missold as I do not believe credit cards should be offered unless there is an income to pay them and the product fully explained especially in a younger more vulnerable customer. Its actually a very common thing for males under 25 to get caught up in small debts and bury their heads in the sand over a realistically small, affordable payment. 10 years on i can honestly say it has never happened again and we religiously pay off our credit cards monthly. I would never allow things to build up now our finances are shared and we have an open conversation about our finances at least a couple times a year.

It only came up at our mortgage appointment and I remember feeling super disappointed with his response and explanation. I think it would be sensible to sit down with credit scores and see where you are as a couple and what debts he actually has. You can't continue thinking you are away to buy a house in the next year when realistically thats never going to happen if he has serious debts.

[Bythemillpond]

If he did a credit check and he discovered a CCJ that goes off in December then I don’t think there is much to worry about. Shit happens and you could wait till January next year to start the mortgage process off.
I know you would like to be in a new house for when the baby arrives but in the grand scheme of things it isn’t going to matter in the long term.

However my worry would be that if he did a credit check then what else did he find that he isn’t telling you about.
Why the reluctance to take it further.
If he just had the CCJ and the mortgage advisor checked then you might just be advised to wait till next year.

It is the reluctance that is the red flag

[YoniAndGuy]

I honestly felt like I knew him through and through

You have said yourself it's a short relationship.

In the nicest possible way - you need to give yourself a shake! You DON'T know him through and through - how on earth could you?! Be realistic, and careful. You have a child - you can't afford not to be.

It may be ok. But it may not, and being realistic rather than starry eyed won't spoil that, but it will protect you and your DD.

• Talk to him and don't accept any bullshit
  

-Think through the pregnancy and whether you're ok doing it alone and for you alone, rather than as a couple

• Don't buy a house with him yet, fgs don't marry him for a LONG time and give your DD your surname. These three things are sensible and if he's a good man, he'll understand and support you in them.
  

Everything else will come out in the wash, but please don't shut your eyes to things like 'little lies' at this stage. This is where you are getting to see the real him.

[BlackMarauder]

You said your relationship moved fast. You got pregnant quickly and are living together only 9 mths. How long have you been together? Cause I'm not sure how you can know this guy through and through. Sounds like you guys are just leaving the honeymoon phase of your relationship and secrets are revealing themselves. Maybe you should slow things down until you know more about this man.

[Bingomangoes]

I'm mid 40s, have owned 4 properties in my life and remortgaged multiple times but have never done a credit check and neither has my husband so that doesn't seem strange (no reason to check it, no debt and never had any issues remortgaging so assume all is fine) Equally when I was in my 20s I almost got a CCJ due to unpaid council tax, I'd moved and had informed the council but they got the dates wrong, letters were going to the wrong address luckily I found out just in time but can see how this type of thing can easily happen. So I don't think you need to worry about that but his reluctance to move forward with mortgage adviser now is a little worrying.

[Disfordarkchocolate]

I am registered with 3 credit agencies and check them all each month. I think this puts me in a very small group of people. Loads of people don't think about it until they want credit.

Sit down, explain about your ex and spend an hour or 3 with him while he registers. There is nothing that can't be faced.

[DeclineandFall]

Some people are just shit with money and stick their heads in the sand as you know from your previous relationship. Doesn't mean they are all awful people. I know 2 grown men with kids, who got themselves in all sorts of debt and just ignored the mess. Took both their now wives to make them face up to it and sort it and both are now pretty responsible with money. You just need full and frank disclosure. Good luck.

[Lassy1945]

Oh op why? Why have you done this?

What’s the rush. I’m a single parent and just enjoying building my life and my children’s with no man around. Five years in an absolutely no way will I invade my children’s homes with even the love of my life.

Dating for a short while and then you invade the very young daughter’s home with essentially a male stranger.

You fall pregnant very quickly. You don’t know him well and already have concerns.

And throw in a traumatic past relationship of lies.

[Zeev]

The CCJ itself - not that worrisome.

Refusal to check his credit score for the mortgage, not showing you his credit score and finances - red flag.

[YoniAndGuy]

Also. This 'dodgy ex.' How do you know about her - independently, or just from him, and if just from him, how did it come up? In what context is she supposedly 'dodgy'?

[Unsure33]

I would not get too hung up about the old ccj. I know someone who had one for parking fines and because they had moved they did not know about it .

And lots of people don’t credit check themselves .

I would just say you should sit down together and look at the credit check ( I had a bad one once just forgetting to pay a small catalogue bill , once I paid it it went up ) then say you can talk about helping him get his credit score up .

Just delay things for a while till it’s sorted and you feel a bit more comfortable . It does not sound too dreadful , he is probably just embarrassed and there is a way of sorting it out .

Look at it as a positive , you might be the one in charge of finances going forward .

[Fairyliz]

So hes got a 'dodgy' ex?
I would like to hear her version of things. Have you ever met her, spoken to her, have any friends in common or is this just his version of events?

[Allwokedup]

I can’t vote on this as it could be either one. If you love him trust him. I’d push him to do credit check on mortgage advisor though.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I also never check mine. Been on the planet quite a while....

[ImInStealthMode]

Another one who's never ever done a credit check (despite being somewhat frivolous with money and credit when I was younger) and my mortgage application threw up a CCJ I knew absolutely nothing about. It was an old bill from the end of a previous rental, that I didn't know I was liable for, and nobody had ever chased. I paid it off on the day, got confirmation of receipt, job done and mortgage approved.

I know it's hard not to let past experience affect the present (every time my DP moans about a bad day at work I prickle, because my ex was the type to storm out of jobs and leave us up shit creek) but try not to worry unduly if he's a responsible sort now x

[AmyLou100]

I have never checked until it was required for opening an account, bank stuff etc. So I don't think he is unreasonable. BUT his whole refusal to do something about it is dodgy.

[Thatisnotwhatisaid]

Meh, I really can’t get worked up about this. He has one CCJ from years ago and it’s due to expire in a few months anyway. He didn’t kill someone, he doesn’t have a secret criminal record or another family hidden away somewhere. I think you’re being over dramatic, most adults have had some sort of debt at some point even if it’s their mortgage (death pledge).

[ElizabethTudor]

@Bluntness100

Nah somethings not right, you can’t usually rent if you’ve a ccj unless you pay up front, so he’s lying to you. He knew. And the fact he won’t do a credit check says there’s more to come.

I agree with this.
There’s something iffy about the fact he won’t do the credit checks with the mortgage advisor. Why not? If it was just the CCJ, what’s the problem? He’s come clean about that. So why would be disappointed. There’s more to this.

[ElizabethTudor]

why would you be disappointed?

[Movinghouseatlast]

I am 55 and only checked my credit score about 6 years ago. I had no idea people constantly checked it.

When I was 32 I had a CCJ which was for an unpaid water bill in a rented flat I had. It was in my name but my flat mate was meant to pay the last payment when we left the flat but she didn't as she forgot.

Reconsidering your whole relationship and pregnancy over £450 is nuts.

It sounds to me that this has taken you back to your previous relationship and anxiety about money. You have made a mental shortcut which equate the two very different situations in your head.

Have you gone on and on about this to him? Maybe this is why he won't check his credit score

[SarahAndQuack]

Three things would worry me here:

1. If he has a CCJ (as other posters point out), it is fishy that he's not (or says he's not) had trouble renting.
   
2. The way he's reacting is the opposite of honest - if he wanted to be honest, he'd be eager to get the full check and you how trivial it was.
   
3. Telling you he doesn't want you to be 'disappointed' is an insult to your intelligence. Saying 'I won't get it because I don't want you to be disappointed' is asking you to swallow something totally illogical.
   
   You know 'I don't want you to be disappointed' is not the response of someone with nothing to hide. He knows you know. He's asking you to participate in a little fiction where you both pretend you won't delve into his finances because he so nobly prefers not to upset you. That's bullshit.
   
   You get the same from some people about cheating. 'Oh, I hate to hurt you so don't ask me details what happened that night but it was all innocent'.
   
   It's a particularly nasty way to manipulate someone IMO.

[Sooobooored]

Hmm I’d be concerned. If what he says truth, fair enough (I’ve never done a credit check either.) It sounds like there might be more debt though and it’s such a cliche to blame a dodgy ex.

I can’t believe you think you know him through and through as you obviously don’t.

[Azerothi]

Because this current boyfriend is essentially a stranger to you and your young daughter you will find out lots of things you don't like about him over the next year or so.

You moved your boyfriend in way too quickly after just 3 months and you honestly need to think of your young child before moving strangers in. Whatever you think you know about your boyfriend he couldn't even tell you about a small debt. You need to ask yourself why he didn't want to reveal this to you.

Whatever happens and whatever you do about your current boyfriend, and his yet to be discovered debts, don't give the new baby his surname if he doesn't marry you before the baby is born.