Feel differently about DP now re a money thing

[PurplePinkParade]

Very recently found out I'm pregnant. Big shock to us as I have problems with my ovaries and doctor estimated it would take years for me to get pregnant yet it happened quite quickly. Absolutely over the moon. It's a reasonably new relationship, we dated for a while at first. We've been living together for 9 months, he moved into my rented home with me and 4yo DD, splits the bills etc. Everything has been great so far.

I want to stress how much of a brilliant partner this man is. Kind, helpful, hardworking, just the greatest person I've ever met. Cares for my child as his own. I knew I'd met the right person immediately. It wasn't love at first sight it was just a comfortable, I'm home, feeling. Sorry for sappiness just wanted to stress I have never in over a year had a single worry about this man. Until now.

Baby is due in December so we were doing some planning, discussed the idea of buying a house next year. DP very excited for all of this. I decide to speak to a mortgage advisor to see what we can afford. Did all my side of it. Suddenly DP starts stalling, busy at work etc.

A few days later were on a walk and he tells me he has a CCJ, from 5 years ago. He says 2 weeks ago he did a credit check and found it, didn't know how to tell me. It's due to expire in December. He says he had no idea he had this or what it's for. He says he's never chased it or been to court and promised me he had no idea. He has moved 8 times in 10 years and lived all over and claims he must have had a forgotten bill from a gym membership or phone. It's only for £450. He earns a decent salary and doesn't have credit for anything, doesn't even have a credit card. If he got a £450 bill he'd just pay it, nowadays at least.

I had a bit of an anxiety attack as my ex had a lot of hidden debt, he lied about it for months and then I found out he was £11k of debt and eventually took out an IVA. And he stole from me repeatedly, gaslighted me. I'm having flashbacks to this now and completely panicking.

I have no reason to believe he's lying about not knowing. But how can a 35 year old man have never checked his credit score? How's he never had letters etc? He's rented 5 properties, surely it flagged up on a credit check?

He does have a dodgy ex who constantly got herself into debt years ago, and the CCJ is from 2015 when he was with her, so could it be something she'd done?

The thing that's worrying me most is, he still won't do this credit check for the mortgage advisor. He keeps putting it off saying I'll be disappointed in him. I don't know what to do.

I'm now panicking so much. I'm having a baby with this man. It's even making me reconsider that... DP would be heartbroken if he knew this.


YABU - stop worrying, it's a mistake from 5 years ago, help him sort it and move on

YANBU - be wary, he's lying about something

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

Or you wait. Wait until it falls of his credit history then he spends 3 - 6 months using a credit card wisely and building up his credit rating.

But his best bet of evaluating how badly it will impact a mortgage applocation is to ask a mortgage advisor.

Not having run a credit check is perfectly normal, many people don't.

Not sharing details when a new life, partner, child, home, depends on it, that is odd! It would worry me!

[OnkasBigMoka]

For what is it worth - it might be as some posters have mentioned that he used an online credit score company and found that due to the CCJ it's not terribly good - but that can be worked on.

Furthermore, as I am sure that you are aware - mortgages aren't just about your overall credit score (although a good one helps), there's the affordability and loan to value ratios on what would be a joint mortgage, so he might not have as much to worry about as he may think.

My advice would be to have a chat with him as you plan to and perhaps see a broker / private advisor. For the sake of a few hundred quid for the advice it could all work out!

Good luck!

[YoniAndGuy]

Ok, plus side. It is very comon not to check your credit score. That isn't an issue.

What is an issue is that as soon as things move beyond fairly casual and you require facts not fluff from him - this has come up. The very first time. And there's more than one red flag here.

Firstly honesty. Someone who is upfront would have done this: They would have checked the credit score (quite likely after saying something like 'I must check my credit score, I never actually have but shouldn't be an issue, got no debt etc.') - then they would have come to you and said, you won't bloody believe this, I have a CCJ, I didn't even KNOW about this... they would have kept you filled in on getting it sorted, then they would have been obsessively checking that credit score and probably bending your ear constantly about how pissed off they were about it.

A less honest person would be more likely to have:

• probably known full well it was there
  
• did what he did, and when it had to come out, 'didn't know how to tell you'
  
• have the obligatory 'dodgy ex' who had the financial problems instead.
  
• carry on stalling, giving you the biggest red flag of all that there's probably far more to come.
  

You are right, you know. He's rented lots of properties. If any of them had done a credit check it would have come up. And the stalling. You need to ask him why he's stalling and not take any bullshit.

However the biggest red flag is him 'not knowing how to tell you'. Erm, it's obvious. You tell someone. Honestly, this ONE thing - this ONE 'reveal' of the way he thinks would be my biggest issue here. Tricky situation? Answer: lie.

I don't know. Your biggest issue here is the baby. I'll be 100% blunt here and say, if you've always wanted a sibling for your DD and she's already 4, then look at it that way: that even if this goes tits up, you will still have a situation that you are, essentially, happy with as a fundamental life choice even if tough times come later. If that's NOT the case and you are possibly going ahead because of the relationship... have a good think.

Needless to say, do not even consider giving your new baby ANYTHING other than your surname.

And don't buy a house with him not for a long while and until you are 100% sure you know his finances - facts not fluff and I wuv yooos.

I have a feeling there's more to come.

[AppaTheSixLeggedFlyingBison]

If you won't buy until after December when it runs out (which would be logical), you shouldn't do a proper credit check. Proper credit checks adversely affect your credit and you should do as few as possible

[BlokeHereInPeace]

Yeah, most people don't check their credit score, I think your dad's job makes your experience a little different to most. Hopefully he will realise that it's important to you to be honest about these things.

[Crustybreadandbutter]

I never was aware of checking my credit history until I got a mortgage. I got my first mortgage at 34.
I’m sure you can explain to him why this particular issue triggers thought from your past. So you really do need to see the credit check and it is likely you can get past it if you know everything.

[Bluntness100]

Nah somethings not right, you can’t usually rent if you’ve a ccj unless you pay up front, so he’s lying to you. He knew. And the fact he won’t do a credit check says there’s more to come.

[freesolo]

My partner had bad credit and a ccjw from an unpaid bill for £50 from years ago. We used a mortgage advisor and she told him to pay it off and then managed to find us a mortgage which accepted someone with bad credit ( it helped that mine was so good) we now have a mortgage and a house! It was massively stressful at the time though, I couldn't fathom that he'd been so careless with money in the past and it did cause a few issues. All fine now though

[billy1966]

OP,
I think you are right to be wary.

You have been badly stung before and don't wish to be again.

He's either an honest broker or he isn't.

He's keeping stuff from you and you are pregnant and speaking about buying a house.

He needs to come clean very quickly.
Lies and misinformation have no place in a healthy relationship and OP have been badly stung before I think you should listen very carefully to your gut.

Protect yourself.

[Xiaoxiong]

Oh gosh I missed you've only been living together 9 months. I think you have a lot to learn about how his approach is to many things including child rearing! Might be worth working through this list of questions (only one of which is financial!) even if you're not intending to get married: www.nytimes.com/interactive/2016/03/23/fashion/weddings/marriage-questions.html

DH and I have been together 15 years, married 11, and still found out a few things about each other (not bad ones) when we applied for a mortgage last year. And I've been kicking around MN for long enough to know that you probably never really, truly know someone, even after many decades people discover things about their nearest and dearest, not always through malice or lies, sometimes omission, sometimes just not even realising something was never mentioned.

[Ugzbugz]

Happened to 2 close friends and absolute genuine mistakes. I never checked my credit score unless I needed to.

Just save really hard and let him rectify his mistake unless there is more lies but I doubt it.

[mybonnieliesovertheocean2]

Most folks need a guarantor when renting, didnt affect my DS renting as I was his guarantor. I do agree with others that he isnt being honest, if it was just a CCJ he would have nothing else to hide and could simply pay it off. You have brought him into your home with your DC and already pregnant. 9mths...isnt long - you dont know him

[1WayOrAnother2]

If he won't do the credit check - then he already knows that there is more debt. (This is what will 'disappoint' you.)

He isn't honest about money; how will/can you deal with this?

[CovidSmart]

When i met DH he had one from a utility company.
Basically they sent him a letter with a BIL when he moved and he never received it.
Went to the bank with it, DH explained what happened. The comment was ‘it’s pretty common and it happens all the time. We are not taking that into account’.

Is it possible that it’s something as simple as that?

[Tangledtresses]

My ex was the same turned out he had a huge gambling problem and a string of ccjs as long as your arm and owed his parents 100k
We had an 9 month old baby....

[hennybeans]

What's stands out to me is that he had supposedly told you the bad news of the ccj, and yet he is still afraid for you to see how credit score/ dig deeper. That tells me he knows something else is on there.

Also, why has he moved around so much? Is he running away from things? I would really look into if the moving a lot has been justified.

[CovidSmart]

Btw I have never checked my credit score either.
Nor has dh.

[Fuckitfuckit]

Honestly, the massive, massive red flag that is his refusal to go and see a mortgage advisor would be enough to make me run.
He is not being completely truthful with you.

In complete honesty, having been with a man who is TERRIBLE with money myself (won't get into it now!) I would be inclined to try and get into the account where he got his credit file from to see with my own eyes how bad it is.

Don't take the excuse of the ex. Don't take any of the lies or the BS.

You want to see the number, you want to see the payment history on his accounts.nothing else will do. Let him know that. You're in a vulnerable position and his presence needs to add stability, not risk it.

All the best

[AnotherBoredOne]

Congratulations on the pregnancy 🤰

[A1b2c3d4e5f6g7]

CCJs last on the credit record for six to seven years. Many banks and building societies won't accept people who have them in this time frame, however when we are looking for a mortgage (my partner ha a CCJ) there were mortgage companies who would lend to us with me as the primary borrower. The rate actually wasn't that bad, it was sub 2% pa about two years ago.

Might be worth speaking with a specialist broker. But yes I think a lot of people, especially those moving around renting, don't realise. I know a few people who have small CCJ's here, and its crazy to think it impacts on credit ratings for so many years. Especially if its a one off and on a small amount of money.

[Helenahandkart]

My husband’s always been a bit haphazard with money and ended up with a CCJ. It didn’t prevent us from getting a mortgage. The best thing to do is tackle it head on and make arrangements to get it paid and satisfied. Citizens Advice or various consumer websites can help with how to do this.
It sounds as if your partner has buried his head in the sand and let things get out of control, and is maybe a bit anxious about trying to deal with it all now. If he’s worried that his financial history is a can of worms then he may be reluctant to share that with you, but the best thing to do is to gently tackle it together and make arrangements to pay things off. Generally things are much less scary once you examine it all and start making plans to straighten it all out.
He sounds like a good man. Don’t let your dodgy ex colour your opinion.

[A1b2c3d4e5f6g7]

But also to say, I think it is worth digging deeper if he's not being fully transparent. Because it turned out my partner had a gambling problem, and that was the reason for his credit issues which became apparent when we first looked to get a mortgage. As a result, I bought alone and he pays me rent. Because it would have been so unwise to join finances.

[PurplePinkParade]

@hennybeans

What's stands out to me is that he had supposedly told you the bad news of the ccj, and yet he is still afraid for you to see how credit score/ dig deeper. That tells me he knows something else is on there.

Also, why has he moved around so much? Is he running away from things? I would really look into if the moving a lot has been justified.

The moving around a lot doesn't worry me, I myself have moved a load of times times in the last 10 years. Takes forever when I have to give address history! Parents, 3 different student houses, back to parents, into a flatshare, into a new houseshare, into a council flat, then in with exDP and had DC, then we split so moved with DD into a flat on my own, then into my current house. That probably looks dodgy on paper but I had a lot of different jobs and friendships in my early 20s so just moved where the wind took me! DP is a bit older and moved around like this til he turned 32.

[Orgasmagorical]

I honestly felt like I knew him through and through, I'd never had any reason to be concerned, he works hard and earns a good salary. I'd ask him any question he'd tell me any answer, no secrets, until this. Now I feel like I'm questioning everything.

It's good you're questioning now and not just blindly accepting things. Do be careful. My ex seemed to be very open and not to have any secrets but I now know what a good liar he is. I'm not saying your partner is, I hope not, just please be careful. Also be wary about the dodgy ex, that isn't always the way it was.

I hope it works out for you, I really do.

[mooonstone]

I just think your relationship is moving too fast. Pregnancy, with talks of marriage and mortgage when you’ve been together 9 months? I mean, you could just be setting yourself up for failure