Feel differently about DP now re a money thing

[PurplePinkParade]

Very recently found out I'm pregnant. Big shock to us as I have problems with my ovaries and doctor estimated it would take years for me to get pregnant yet it happened quite quickly. Absolutely over the moon. It's a reasonably new relationship, we dated for a while at first. We've been living together for 9 months, he moved into my rented home with me and 4yo DD, splits the bills etc. Everything has been great so far.

I want to stress how much of a brilliant partner this man is. Kind, helpful, hardworking, just the greatest person I've ever met. Cares for my child as his own. I knew I'd met the right person immediately. It wasn't love at first sight it was just a comfortable, I'm home, feeling. Sorry for sappiness just wanted to stress I have never in over a year had a single worry about this man. Until now.

Baby is due in December so we were doing some planning, discussed the idea of buying a house next year. DP very excited for all of this. I decide to speak to a mortgage advisor to see what we can afford. Did all my side of it. Suddenly DP starts stalling, busy at work etc.

A few days later were on a walk and he tells me he has a CCJ, from 5 years ago. He says 2 weeks ago he did a credit check and found it, didn't know how to tell me. It's due to expire in December. He says he had no idea he had this or what it's for. He says he's never chased it or been to court and promised me he had no idea. He has moved 8 times in 10 years and lived all over and claims he must have had a forgotten bill from a gym membership or phone. It's only for £450. He earns a decent salary and doesn't have credit for anything, doesn't even have a credit card. If he got a £450 bill he'd just pay it, nowadays at least.

I had a bit of an anxiety attack as my ex had a lot of hidden debt, he lied about it for months and then I found out he was £11k of debt and eventually took out an IVA. And he stole from me repeatedly, gaslighted me. I'm having flashbacks to this now and completely panicking.

I have no reason to believe he's lying about not knowing. But how can a 35 year old man have never checked his credit score? How's he never had letters etc? He's rented 5 properties, surely it flagged up on a credit check?

He does have a dodgy ex who constantly got herself into debt years ago, and the CCJ is from 2015 when he was with her, so could it be something she'd done?

The thing that's worrying me most is, he still won't do this credit check for the mortgage advisor. He keeps putting it off saying I'll be disappointed in him. I don't know what to do.

I'm now panicking so much. I'm having a baby with this man. It's even making me reconsider that... DP would be heartbroken if he knew this.


YABU - stop worrying, it's a mistake from 5 years ago, help him sort it and move on

YANBU - be wary, he's lying about something

[Palavah]

@Xiaoxiong

he still won't do this credit check for the mortgage advisor. He keeps putting it off saying I'll be disappointed in him

This is the red flag. If the CCJ was the only thing, then he wouldn't mind doing the credit check. There's something else on there. I think he told you about the one CCJ to gauge your reaction.

The only thing you can do is sit down with him and ask him to do a full cards-on-the-table financial MOT - you've been burned once before by your ex, and you're not having it again. Don't panic, don't get emotional, just stating that this is just what you need to do in a calm unemotional manner.

You don't even need to link it to him disclosing the CCJ really, it's actually a good time to review all your financial outgoings and debts, and discuss how you're going to manage finances together when the baby arrives as well - eg. is he the kind of man who expects you to cover childcare costs out of your own salary if you have the temerity to go back to work and keep your financial independence. There's a lot to discuss - bill spitting, are savings/account/credit card going to be joint or separate, life insurance, mortgage, etc etc.

Yes all of this

[Grumpylate20s]

It sounds like you're both trying to run before you can walk..

[Nanny0gg]

@PurplePinkParade

Thanks everyone, this had calmed me down a bit. I think the mix of pregnancy hormones combined with the sort of PTSD from being with my ex has made me overreact quite a lot.

Genuinely surprised people don't check their credit score though, I really thought everyone did but maybe it's because my dad's a financial advisor I've just been brought up to keep absolute tabs on everything money-wise. I love checking mine, maybe I'm just a massive geek

If he hasn't got a credit card, it could be because he can't get one?

However, if he just doesn't want one it will also affect his credit score.

Can you get him to see a financial advisor? On his own to start with if that will make him deal with it.

[Amumtomyson]

Do you think your past experience is affecting your current situation?
To me, it's not a huge issue.
He sounds like a nice guy.

[Amumtomyson]

But agree with other PPs, slow down. Your Dp may be terrified at your intensity so take your time. Agree about the fertility thing, I have pcos and one tube, but I still take precautions and As you have a child did you not think it'd happen?

[starfishmummy]

Genuinely surprised people don't check their credit score though, I really thought everyone did but maybe it's because my dad's a financial advisor I've just been brought up to keep absolute tabs on everything money-wise

Why? I'm aware that I can but i have no need to as I am not wanting to take out a loan of any sort. That doesnt mean I don't keep tabs on my money!

[PhatPhanny]

I can 100% believe the ccj thing, the same happened to me, checked my credit for the first time and was massively shocked!
Had to do some chasing to find out about it and where to pay.
A ccj takes your score down approx 250, so I bet he is worried about you seeing his score, but work together to build it back up.

[daisyjgrey]

My partner didn't check his credit score until last year, when I was talking about mine and he was 35. If you have no reason to not trust him then you can't treat him like he is the person who lied to you before.

Both go to a financial advisor and get it all out and open and go from there.

[Dishwashersaurous]

Just another one to say that I've never checked my credit score and had multiple mortgages over time. So I absolutely wouldn't see that as an issue

[SofiaMichelle]

Why? I'm aware that I can but i have no need to as I am not wanting to take out a loan of any sort. That doesnt mean I don't keep tabs on my money!

It's not (just) about applying for credit yourself.

They record financial searches made against you which is very important to know as it flags up if someone has stolen your identity and is trying to fraudulently obtain credit.

Even more so for you, if you don't ever apply for credit, because the first you'd know about that type is fraud is when 'you' have run up massive debts or had your accounts cleared out.

[notagainmummy]

Yabu. Stop projecting onto him your previous relationship. It's very easy if you move around a lot to miss a final demand and end up with a CCJ. He doesn't have ££££ on credit cards owing. I didn't do a credit check until recently. I think you just need to delay the house purchase until the ccj is spent.

[Dishwashersaurous]

what does he mean by you will be disappointed? Is it that he has more debt? Doesn't earn what you think or something else?

Thats the only thing that is odd. Him using the word disappointed

[TomPinch]

@Cocomarine

Getting a court judgment against a person without giving them appropriate notice of the claim absolutely is 'going behind someone's back'. It's a fundamental principle of justice that both sides have the chance to have their say in court.

If what you say is true England has moved away from that.. uuuuuggggly....

[disconnected101]

you need to sit down and talk everything out, including most of the points you raised here. write it down if it'll help you at the time.
Fwiw, my partner had a ccj because his ex wife got credit (which went 'bad') in his name. It cleared eventually & he was able to get credit

[YoniAndGuy]

@Dishwashersaurous

what does he mean by you will be disappointed? Is it that he has more debt? Doesn't earn what you think or something else?

Thats the only thing that is odd. Him using the word disappointed

It's simple manipulation. He is trying to make OP feel guilty for even asking, trying to dissemble and get her to feel as if she shouldn't pry because he's awwww, only trying to do his best. 'I lied to you not because I'm a liar with stuff to hide, but because I was thinking only of you.

Well worn technique I'm afraid - and it is the biggest red flag in all of this. If he honestly had no other problem than the CCJ which she now knows about... well. No problem, is there? If he were honest, respectful of OP as another adult who he needs to be on the level with, you know what with her about to join finances with him and all (!!) - then he wouldn't be spouting this absurdly patronising shit either.

[DaphneDuBois]

I think him not regularly checking his credit score is by far the least pressing issue here. Lots of people don’t get one unless they are made to have one as part of a loan application. The missed payment / moving house scenario is pretty plausible but for him to have never known he had a CCJ means he’s moved ten times without leaving forwarding addresses etc for letters which I find very strange.

The main worry I’d have is why he’s now unwilling to do a check for the mortgage. If he did the credit check two weeks ago why will he not repeat it again now, given the findings should be exactly the same? Why is he saying you’ll be ‘disappointed’ if this CCJ is the only thing that is going to show up? Whatever is on there won’t go away and if he’s been sensible with money he should know his score is decent. What exactly is he hiding?

I have to say that his head in the sand approach of avoiding credit checks because he’s scared of what will show up does show an irresponsible attitude and a tendency to run from problems. I guess you just need to be wary that this could be character trait that will cause you problems in the future.

He can’t just hope his financial record and credit score will just go away. The fact that he’s refusing to do another check really would make me question whether this is how he dealt with the CCJ - move house, ignore it, let it expire and go away of its own accord.

[DaphneDuBois]

Also, the fact that he doesn’t have a credit card does NOT mean he’s good with money. It may well mean that he’s not able to find anyone willing to give him one! And with a CCJ still on him, I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s the real truth!

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

It's not the end of the world finding out you have a CCJ for a small amount, what is worrying is that he will not now do a credit check.
That to me is a forest of red flags.

[Palavah]

Rather than going to the mortgage appointment and doing a hard score there - which will reflect badly if it fails - it would make more sense to get a report (free from clearscore/equifax/experian etc) and get the facts. There may be some simple things he can do to improve his score quickly.

[TurquoiseZebra]

What happened OP once you talked to him?

[CrotchetyQuaver]

I'd be asking him outright if he's ever been bankrupt, if he's stalling all the time.