Feel differently about DP now re a money thing

[PurplePinkParade]

Very recently found out I'm pregnant. Big shock to us as I have problems with my ovaries and doctor estimated it would take years for me to get pregnant yet it happened quite quickly. Absolutely over the moon. It's a reasonably new relationship, we dated for a while at first. We've been living together for 9 months, he moved into my rented home with me and 4yo DD, splits the bills etc. Everything has been great so far.

I want to stress how much of a brilliant partner this man is. Kind, helpful, hardworking, just the greatest person I've ever met. Cares for my child as his own. I knew I'd met the right person immediately. It wasn't love at first sight it was just a comfortable, I'm home, feeling. Sorry for sappiness just wanted to stress I have never in over a year had a single worry about this man. Until now.

Baby is due in December so we were doing some planning, discussed the idea of buying a house next year. DP very excited for all of this. I decide to speak to a mortgage advisor to see what we can afford. Did all my side of it. Suddenly DP starts stalling, busy at work etc.

A few days later were on a walk and he tells me he has a CCJ, from 5 years ago. He says 2 weeks ago he did a credit check and found it, didn't know how to tell me. It's due to expire in December. He says he had no idea he had this or what it's for. He says he's never chased it or been to court and promised me he had no idea. He has moved 8 times in 10 years and lived all over and claims he must have had a forgotten bill from a gym membership or phone. It's only for £450. He earns a decent salary and doesn't have credit for anything, doesn't even have a credit card. If he got a £450 bill he'd just pay it, nowadays at least.

I had a bit of an anxiety attack as my ex had a lot of hidden debt, he lied about it for months and then I found out he was £11k of debt and eventually took out an IVA. And he stole from me repeatedly, gaslighted me. I'm having flashbacks to this now and completely panicking.

I have no reason to believe he's lying about not knowing. But how can a 35 year old man have never checked his credit score? How's he never had letters etc? He's rented 5 properties, surely it flagged up on a credit check?

He does have a dodgy ex who constantly got herself into debt years ago, and the CCJ is from 2015 when he was with her, so could it be something she'd done?

The thing that's worrying me most is, he still won't do this credit check for the mortgage advisor. He keeps putting it off saying I'll be disappointed in him. I don't know what to do.

I'm now panicking so much. I'm having a baby with this man. It's even making me reconsider that... DP would be heartbroken if he knew this.


YABU - stop worrying, it's a mistake from 5 years ago, help him sort it and move on

YANBU - be wary, he's lying about something

[AriseMyPretties]

If I were in a relationship with you, your obvious very judgey attitudes around money and debt would make me wary of letting you see my finances/credit score if they were less than perfect. I'd be scared you would kick me out and take our baby away from me.

I'm sorry but you come across as more interested in his levels of financial propriety than his other qualities. Some people are not great with money, doesn't always make them a bad person.

You are also tarring this partner with the brush your previous partner dipped in shit, which is unfair.

By all means, be careful as it's only sensible but maybe you could employ a bit more of a softly softly approach just in case he has something he is scared to reveal.

[Hopeful201]

I've never checked my credit score, I'm quite old :-)
One of my friends had a bad credit rating due to someone using their old address and applying for credit cards-and not paying them off. They only found out about it when they went to get a mortgage. So what he is saying could very well be true

[ittakes2]

I am 50 and don’t even know how to check my credit score! Although I am sure I could find out if I need to - I haven’t ever needed to.

[toconclude]

Have you gone on and on about this to him? Maybe this is why he won't check his credit score

Yes, women 'nagging on' is prefectly good reason for a man not to be reponsible for his own debts

[Pyewackect]

I'm 43 and I have never checked my credit rating , ever.

[KM38]

@PurplePinkParade Benefit of doubt to your partner here OP - is it possible he’s just worried you’ll be disappointed because he knows you’re good with money and have always kept an eye on your financial status etc whereas he’s never bothered? Maybe he feels a bit like he’s supposed to be able to provide and is embarrassed that on paper he looks quite bad?
Maybe a good honest chat and getting everything on the table will work wonders.
Obviously if he’s still refusing to do the full credit check then that’s a major red flag, but just trying to see things from his perspective.

I wouldn’t worry about the CCJ - these things happen. My sisters partner applied for car finance at the start of this year and was refused despite having a good income etc...it then turned out there was £8000 outstanding debt in his name. He’d moved in with his ex partner and her daughter when he was 18 and naively took out credit cards for her in his name over the few years they were together as she couldn’t get credit. When they split, he left and that was that. That was 7 years ago and they’ve had no contact since. Turns out she maxed all the cards when he left then also moved away from the area. The debt was solely in his name so he had no choice but to face it and pay it. It was a tough lesson learned but it happens 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your partners actions would worry me if he wouldn’t open up when I sat him down to have a proper discussion about it. Just make it clear that you’re not judging but you’ve been stung in the past and you want to help him tackle things head on so you can move forward with a clean slate for baby arriving!!

Congratulations on your pregnancy too 🥰

[1FootInTheRave]

The lack of cooperation with the mortgage advisor is concerning.

Don't marry this fella.

[RosesAndHellebores]

More red flags than you can see on an unsafe beach op.

Moved him in without properly getting to know him.
Why could he move in so quickly, presumably not secure and independent himself.
Has a CCJ that he had not discussed with you.
Refuses to let you see his credit record (why?)

And then the reality. You are pg much more quickly than he anticipated - eek - that's his freeloading about to end.
Unplanned baby.
No wedding date or engagement or even discussion about mutual future.
What are his prospects?

My advice - think long and hard. Are you prepared to be a single parent to two children? Will he stay around once the cock-lodging opportunity has disappeared? Will he be happy to pay all the bills (can he?) while you are on mat leave?

I don't believe in abortion op but if I did and were I in your shoes, I'd seriously be considering it. He hasn't been honest has he? Ask yourself if he is likely to be honest in future.

[BreatheAndFocus]

Hmmm, you’d be “disappointed” about something you already know about? I bet there’s more to this than that CCJ. Why would he refuse to do the check otherwise?

Liars often use a sprinkle of truth to hide a load of lies. Be wary. I’d also be trying to find out why he moved so much, and more about the ex. Protect yourself and your DC. However nice he seems don’t just accept what you’re told unquestioningly.

[billy1966]

@RosesAndHellebores

More red flags than you can see on an unsafe beach op.

Moved him in without properly getting to know him.
Why could he move in so quickly, presumably not secure and independent himself.
Has a CCJ that he had not discussed with you.
Refuses to let you see his credit record (why?)

And then the reality. You are pg much more quickly than he anticipated - eek - that's his freeloading about to end.
Unplanned baby.
No wedding date or engagement or even discussion about mutual future.
What are his prospects?

My advice - think long and hard. Are you prepared to be a single parent to two children? Will he stay around once the cock-lodging opportunity has disappeared? Will he be happy to pay all the bills (can he?) while you are on mat leave?

I don't believe in abortion op but if I did and were I in your shoes, I'd seriously be considering it. He hasn't been honest has he? Ask yourself if he is likely to be honest in future.

I agree.

OP, you don't know who he is.
You are having a child with someone you know 5 minutes.

Do you REALLY want to be a single mother to two children?

I think you will end up doing this on your own.
You dont know him.

[Lampzade]

Definitely red flags Op.

[RiojaRose]

I’m in my 50s and have never checked my credit score. I have a mortgage and a credit card so I imagine it’s ok but don’t need to know the details.

However, I would be very wary of buying a house with someone who wasn’t completely open and honest about their financial circumstances.

[NerrSnerr]

How long have you actually been together? I wouldn't even be considering buying a house this early anyway just to avoid disruption to your daughter if the relationship doesn't work out.

I have only checked my credit rating before buying a house so twice in my life so that wouldn't concern me.

[StarsonaString]

Would you be able to buy a house just in your name if it came to it?

[OmniversalSpecies2021]

his credit score is the least of your worries..........i'd be more concerned about having a child with him whilst unmarried......and giving up your work/career or taking time off for maternity/SAHM and having to rely on him for finances....and making yourself codependent and making yourself further vulnerable.

[CSIblonde]

The disappointed comment means there's more than a CCJ. It's prob him not his ex who got into debt . Or they both did.

[Alowa]

How did the chat with him go @PurplePinkParade?

[Feelingconfused2020]

Has he shown you his credit score? If he is happy to go on Experian with you and show you the. I would trust him. If he won't then he's hiding something.

[ClareBlue]

@RosesAndHellebores

More red flags than you can see on an unsafe beach op.

Moved him in without properly getting to know him.
Why could he move in so quickly, presumably not secure and independent himself.
Has a CCJ that he had not discussed with you.
Refuses to let you see his credit record (why?)

And then the reality. You are pg much more quickly than he anticipated - eek - that's his freeloading about to end.
Unplanned baby.
No wedding date or engagement or even discussion about mutual future.
What are his prospects?

My advice - think long and hard. Are you prepared to be a single parent to two children? Will he stay around once the cock-lodging opportunity has disappeared? Will he be happy to pay all the bills (can he?) while you are on mat leave?

I don't believe in abortion op but if I did and were I in your shoes, I'd seriously be considering it. He hasn't been honest has he? Ask yourself if he is likely to be honest in future.

This is bull shit. You don't believe in abortion but are advising someone to consider it...
How has a request around disclosure of some possible debts morphed into abortion advice. I'm sure the OP is quite able to decide on her pregnancies and her decisions really are her own.

[Alowa]

@Feelingconfused2020

Has he shown you his credit score? If he is happy to go on Experian with you and show you the. I would trust him. If he won't then he's hiding something.

^^ This.

[HmmmmmmInteresting]

Genuinely surprised people don't check their credit score though, I really thought everyone did but maybe it's because my dad's a financial advisor I've just been brought up to keep absolute tabs on everything money-wise. I love checking mine, maybe I'm just a massive geek

I love checking mine too

[Startingagainperson]

You haven’t known him long, and this is a little concerning. It doesn’t quite add up.

If I were I wouldn’t run for the hills yet, but I would pull back, protect myself and not advance any mortgage or other plans for a while. Be a bit more critical.

[HmmmmmmInteresting]

My partner had bad credit and a ccjw from an unpaid bill for £50 from years ago. We used a mortgage advisor and she told him to pay it off

I'm amazed he needed to be told this

[SpiderinaWingMirror]

Sit with him and do the full Experian credit check together. That will tell you exactly what you need to know. If there is hidden debt it will be listed.
Then get expert advice re removal. Is it best to sit it out til the 6 years have gone? Is it best to satisfy it? Appeal it in some way?
When I looked at my dhs before we applied for a car loan I found a wrongly applied default. It gave him a score of 660. I got that sorted and it was back to 999.

[Anne1958]

Op, I’d be more concerned about him not having a credit card even although I’m well aware some people just don’t want them.

I’d be concerned he couldn’t trust himself with one or couldn’t actually get one because of his credit history.