To think most parents don't really give a crap about this...

[reaching0ut]

....as long as their kid isn't the one being bullied or ostracised? I think at some point when everything is rosy many parents profess to feel this way, but actually they're totally oblivious or thanking their lucky stars that it's not their child coming home in tears, not sleeping, eating and feeling generally worthless and hopeless.

You teach your children kindness and empathy, and to treat others as you would wish to be treated, but you don't dictate friendships.
I've been the child alone at playtime as have my own children on occasions, and its heartbreaking.

DD does both. Being kind is important, but having an education will help her achieve her goals, which will mean she can continue to make a difference in people’s lives long after she is in the lunch hall.

I wonder how many adults who insist their kids sit with kids they don’t know because they are lonely, also make an effort to do the same themselves. I suspect not that many.

I agree with that. I genuinely couldn't give a toss if my child is 'academically gifted' or not. As long as they are happy, work hard and kind that's all I care about.

@theleafandnotthetree lol. Like Lake Wobegon "where all the children are above average"

As someone who was bullied to the point of suicide at Primary after I befriended the strange kid nobody liked I don’t encourage my DC to do the same.
I don’t discourage them and I have always told them they have to be nice and if I thought they were doing any bullying I would come down on them hard BUT they choose their own friends and are under no obligation to sit with anyone at lunch unless they really want to.

@SusannaMorvern sorry your DC has had a rough time. I do totally agree about parents taking on board comments about their child being unkind at school - sometimes when I hear from DC about behaviour of a couple of kids in the class towards others I do wonder what the hell is being said at home about all of it.

My daughter is a very high achiever, she is in tears 8 and is leaps and bounds ahead of her class mates. But she's also a huge believer in social justice and standing up for the underdog. She gets furious about bullying and when she was in top juniors at primary she and the teacher created a mentor group for the kids that were struggling on the playground or with their work. It's still a school policy 3 years on. Tbh I think she is like this as she saw the trauma her eldest sister went through when she was horrifically bullied to the point she was giggling how to commit suicide.

If I had to choose between academically gifted or a string personality that would help others - I would chose the latter every time

I've always encouraged my kids to talk to the ones that might be feeling left out. I used to tell them it's a kind thing to do to ask other kids if they want to join in your games in the playground even if you don't really like them much. The older 2 are teens now and my DD will always stick up for kids being bullied, she will ask them if they want to sit with her on the bus etc. My son just hasn't got a nasty streak in him, he will always walk alway from confrontation, even when someone might deserve a mouthful back. Neither of my teens are academically gifted, they're in top sets for almost everything but far from the top of those classes. I think it's more important to be a nice person in life

In the UK parents really need to care more about how their kids do academically- it has a huge impact on their life chances. I would definitely want to educate kids about not being bullies/ mean to other kids, but telling them they have to befriend kids if they don't want to is a bit coercive.
An old school friend who I'd lost touch with now lives nearby- I bump into her from time to time & we make polite chat but honestly I didn't like her that much at school & don't want to be her friend, so don't suggest more contact. Why should we demand children behave differently?

I don't think that link is telling parents to prioritize other children above the academic needs of their own. It's just saying that parents care a lot about academic success but we also need to care about what sort of people our children are growing up to be.
No one is advocating pity friendships or sacrificing their own DC's wellbeing in order to meet the needs of other children. But a little bit of kindness and effort to be inclusive, goes a long way.

Of course parents can care about both. I care about my child being kind to others but there's only so much you can do in terms of forcing friendships. I asked DS2 once about a kid in his class whose mum had been posting on the class whatsapp upset, saying her kid was being left out of things and sitting alone at break. DS2 said he didn't want to play with him as the kid had been really mean to him and kicked him on purpose in PE (seen by the teacher). Anyway they're only 7 so I've encouraged him to be generally nice to all and try again if he sees this kid on his own, but to just leave it and walk away if the kid is mean to him again.

You can care about both. They are not mutually exclusive.

Success in life is strongly correlated with social skills. To everyone obsessing with academics, good grades will only get you so far. Being able to get along with people will really get them ahead. So focusing only on the academis wont actually support your kid in getting ahead.

I find this thing very twee.

@RosieLemonade

I find this thing very twee.

I agree . Very simplistic and a bit patronising.

Neither really.

I want my kids to be happy. I care about them doing well at school, and more importantly doing well in life, but I don't need for them to be "gifted" .

I won't tolerate bullying, but my kids don't have to focus on being kind, inclusive. They have the right to have a life!

Yeah I don’t know about this. I do want my daughter to be academically gifted (and more so, hardworking) and if I’m honest I’m not convinced I would want her to be prioritising ‘sitting with the lonely kid in the canteen’, that’s not a message I’d be keen to give her. I’d rather she was thriving within a good, large friendship group and being kind to her friends. Obviously I would come down hard on her doing any bullying.

Not everyone can be a genius but everyone can be kind.

It's a very basic thing for children to learn to treat each other well.

It’s also important to consider that it’s not great to teach your children (especially girls) to ‘always be kind’.

As with everything else in life, it’s all about balance.

Yes, this would be important to me. My DS is a very empathic child. It would worry him if he thought another child was feeling isolated and lonely, and I'm proud of him for caring. That's more important to me than academic achievement.

My son was the lonely kid in the cafeteria once. It broke my heart the number of parents I spoke to in the playground asking if they would encourage their kid to include mine- to no effect.
I don't care how well their kids are doing at school/ what fantastic parents evening they had. It's meaningless.

I hate this emotionally manipulative patronising crap.

No kid should be bullying anyone. But kids don't need sympathy friendships or to be forced to be friends with someone they don't like either.

Some kids might just want to be alone.
Some would rather be alone than be the charity case teachers have to bribe with rewards to sit with too. Credit kids with some intelligence fgs. They can actually tell when their bully is sucking up to the teacher by pretending to be "nice"

But I hate the "be kind" message too cos usually it just means be a doormat

@theleafandnotthetree

Always amazes me on these threads how many people have academically gifted or very smart kids. Where do all the parents of perfectly ordinary children congregate, I think I might belong there

Exactly what I was wondering 😏

What about a sign that says "We should care less about our kids being academically gifted and more about them nit being bullying little s or sheep that back up the bullying little s so there's less chance of there being the lonely kid sat on their own in the cafeteria" oh and at the bottom "If your kid is a bullying little then do something about it when it gets flagged up rather than doing fuck all or being proud they can 'handle them self'

Some the nicer parents do, some parents don't.