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Original poster

How does love die? What kills it?

120 replies

Niveainabluetin · 19/04/2021 21:21

Been with my other half since we were 17, now 43...all those years together, all that time and now drifting apart after the birth of our toddler, trying desperately to hope we can get back to how we were. Best friend been with her husband since she was 15, now getting divorced and they seemingly hate one another..many more stories. What happens...? How can you be so incredibly close for so many years..then it changes...?

OP posts:
therocinante · 19/04/2021 21:28

How much can a person change in almost 3 decades? It's a lot. Enough to take a couple from compatible to 'not compatible enough that shared experience keeps them together'.

There's also the fact that during that time, many big life events happen that adjust your view of your partner - for every person who loves their spouse more for how supportive they were when a parent died, there's another who carries around a little resentment for how unhelpful theirs was. Having children changes your view of one another, because you now depend more than ever on the equality of your relationship and if it's not equal, that can erode love and respect. Or can just take up all your time.

What things are important to you about your relationship? Which parts feel fundamental? Which of those is missing now?

Is it that you always fancied each other and don't any more? Is it that you were equals and now one of you feels less so? Is is that you used to have plenty of alone time and now you don't, or had seperate hobbies and now you can't, is it that one of you has changed political views when sharing the same views was a reason you were compatible?

My best advice would be to identify exactly what it is you're missing now, both of you, and work specifically on that. 'Drifting' is vague - a long term relationship sometimes requires strategy and effort. Do that now, make a plan together and work on it.

Silverfly · 19/04/2021 21:31

How old is your DC? I've been with my DH for 24 years, I'm still crazy about him but the years with small children were tough. All the usual reasons - tired, not enough quality time together etc. Drifting apart is common, it's possible to find your way back if you both want to.

Original poster
Niveainabluetin · 19/04/2021 21:35

@Silverflyv Dd is 3 in the summer

OP posts:
Original poster
Niveainabluetin · 19/04/2021 21:36

@therocinante It’s crazy really how people manage to stay together for so long.
The biggest change has been since Dd came along, it’s changed the dynamic and we’re not close/the same anymore

OP posts:
ConnieCaterpillar70 · 19/04/2021 21:37

As I'm sat on my laptop, DH is sat cutting the dead skin off his feet with my best kitchen scissors. He also has a toothpick that he's getting the ham from tea out of this teeth.

That's why relationships end. Familiarity breeds contempt.

BrutusMcDogface · 19/04/2021 21:40

‘Familiarity breeds contempt’ is what I was going to say, too.

GNCQ · 19/04/2021 21:41

Don't underestimate the impact Covid has had.

Everyone drifts a bit after babies arrive, priorities shift, resentment can build up, that's normal, but I really feel for people who have babies and toddlers during this pandemic. It's another level entirely.

Extended family is the "glue"when babies arrive because it's so hard without that support.

ScrumForward · 19/04/2021 21:44

For me it was death by a 1000 cuts.

luciles · 19/04/2021 21:46

I think it's very normal to drift when you have children. Do you have anyone to provide childcare so you and your DH could spend some time alone? Is there any deep resentment lurking, or do you just not quite fancy him anymore?

BonnieDundee · 19/04/2021 21:47

Resentment

therocinante · 19/04/2021 21:49

[quote Niveainabluetin]@therocinante It’s crazy really how people manage to stay together for so long.
The biggest change has been since Dd came along, it’s changed the dynamic and we’re not close/the same anymore[/quote]
I can't imagine how much it shifts everything when children come along - it makes sense that something which completely realigns your life would make a difference! But it's also totally normal and hopefully with time and a bit of conscious deciding between you both to check what specifically has changed/is wrong you'll be fine Smile

I think you're right about people staying together so long - I think now it's not socially unacceptable not to stay with one person forever, and as we live longer lives, people will start to see relationships a bit more like friendships, in that some people fit parts of your life and then you outgrow each other and that's okay. I think it's quite a nice idea, really - the idea that as long as you're together it's because you really want to be and have chosen to be, rather than feel like 'that's what you do'. But then the issue of marriage/children makes that complicated too I guess!?

I hope you get things on an even keel Flowers

Hankunamatata · 19/04/2021 21:52

Lack of kindness and compassion. Not showing you care or oh not showing it. Being taken for granted/not showing appreciation. Not making time for each other.

Hankunamatata · 19/04/2021 21:53

People change. The boy I married isnt the man he is today. Either you grow together or grow apart.

UnsolicitedDickPic · 19/04/2021 21:54

@BonnieDundee

Resentment
This. That they're not pulling their weight, that they've let you down one too many times or embarrassed you; that's a big part of it for me. It festers.
DinosaurDiana · 19/04/2021 21:58

Resentment.
It’s the beginning of the end.

Moonface123 · 19/04/2021 22:01

I don't think all relationships are meant to be forever, that they come to a natural end. I also think just because people have been together years and years, doesn't necessarily mean they are happy.
It's like people thinking and believing they, or people they love, will only die when they're old. It's unrealistic.

LadyCluck · 19/04/2021 22:02

Resentment
Lack of consideration
Being taken for granted
Selfish behaviour

DisgruntledPelican · 19/04/2021 22:06

Familiarity
Resentment
Taking people for granted. Love is a verb. It needs to be shown through actions and words.

Titsywoo · 19/04/2021 22:07

@Hankunamatata

People change. The boy I married isnt the man he is today. Either you grow together or grow apart.
This. DH and I have known each other since we were 16 (together since 19). We have grown together rather than apart but maybe we are lucky. We are definitely not the same people we were when we met - we are both very different now.
RubyFowler · 19/04/2021 22:09

@BonnieDundee

Resentment
This is what I was going to say. Resentment was the killer for me.
Babyroobs · 19/04/2021 22:12

I think lockdown has made things more difficult. Me and dh are fine but neither of us see anyone else like we normally would at work ( both wfh ), so have little to talk about. When I was at work I would have funny little stories to tell him about people I'd seen , funny mannerisms, office chit chat. Now I'm wfh, not seeing anyone, bored to tears. I feel like I have nothing to contribute. We are niggling at each other more, we are both bored, not seeing any friends, all we do is walk, walk and more walking !!

ALongHardWinter · 19/04/2021 22:12

I was in love with my exBF for the first 3 years we were together. After that,I gradually fell 'out of love' with him. What killed it? His unkindness,his lack of empathy,taking me for granted and most of all,his compulsive lying.

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 19/04/2021 22:13

@therocinante sounds like great advice. Are you a MG councillor?

ALongHardWinter · 19/04/2021 22:14

Sorry posted too soon. I hung on in there for another year , hoping that things would improve. But in the end,I had to accept that they wouldn't. All I felt was relief when we split up.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/04/2021 22:14

Like so many others, I clicked on this thread to say resentment.

Seeing them lying there snoring away when you’re so tired. Knowing that your quality of life and theirs do not match.

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