How does love die? What kills it?

[Niveainabluetin]

Been with my other half since we were 17, now 43...all those years together, all that time and now drifting apart after the birth of our toddler, trying desperately to hope we can get back to how we were. Best friend been with her husband since she was 15, now getting divorced and they seemingly hate one another..many more stories. What happens...? How can you be so incredibly close for so many years..then it changes...?

Having children.

Definitely resentment, not feeling appreciated &/or listened to, sexist attitude (childcare/housework 'womans work'

My DH was a right twat after DS was born, never expected it. I too lost respect for him. Some things you just cant move on from.

@hellcatspangle
Honestly if you can at all, do it. I have and am flabbergasted how much happier I am. I also was worried about the questions first, but when friends see me skipping down the street, they understand.

There will be an exhaustive list, but I think having children has to be one of the big "risk" areas. For two reasons, if the couple take too long after a child to start investing time in the relationship, it can be extremely difficult to come back from. Too many people think they can put their relationship on the back burner and that it will be there and the same to pick up from once those early day demands of child rearing are over. Or, secondly, that having children in itself exposes a lot about people or the relationship that wasn't fully to the surface or acknowledged.

@Slayduggee

Resentment.

Immediately after popping out DC DH became a misogynist asshole unable to do any housework or childcare. I’m fed up on having 3 jobs, FT work, kids and housework whereas DH had one 40 hour per week job. I completely lost any respect I had fir him after the way he treated me after I gave birth.

I’m the total opposite. I love my husband more since giving birth. I’m currently in bed with our newborn drinking the coffee he brought me as he takes our toddler to nursery.

My ex husband however 🙄 been there done that and ditched the lazy fucker.

He was always more tired than me despite me working and doing all child related stuff. My life became so much easier after I got rid.

Before children, we'd go away for lots of romantic weekends, we'd stay to till 1am talking, go on long holidays. You'd be eachothers priority. The relationship was constantly being nurtured, and 'fed',

And then you have children, and they are now your priority. For a few years at least, the romantic weekends away disappear, the date nights are a battle to find time for, and although you can still have a lazy lie in, it's never together.

If you've got one of those partners that doesn't pull his weight, doesn't take an equal share if the parenting, that's when resentment comes in because you are doing more, more exhausted, and he doesn't get it. He won't get why you're crabby, why you don't have as much time to devote to him, or making yourself beautiful, because he just doesn't get the work involved. So there's resentment from you that you are carrying the family whilst he just swans along, and from him, that you weren't the women you were before. It's pretty relationship wrecking stuff.

If you have a good partner who shoulders an equal share, it's easier, but still challenging. Both of you come below the needs of your children, and by the time you deal with them and work, and life, there's not a lot of time or energy left. I have a fabulous partner and we are very happy and loved up still, but definitely feel the strain of not being able to devote the time to 'us' that we'd like.

It's hard to find the energy to nurture your relationship when you're wrung out at the end of the day, but when I have, I've felt better for it. Some time without phones of an evening, occasionally just having dinner the two of you, get in a babysitter, and just be nice to eachother. For a few years flashy shows of love are replaced with letting the other person have an extra hour in bed and then sneaking up to bring them a cup of tea and a cuddle whilst octonauts is on, rather than whisking them to Paris.

@Babyboomtastic Yes I think maybe having Dd has had a big impact, which is sad as we both adore her so much and waited years through fertility treatment to have her. It just seems cruel that we got our happy ending with her, but not between us, if that makes sense...we were definitely happier before.

Life happens and people changeAnd drift apart. We had to work very hard at being ok together going through infertility and IVF. It was too much pressure and we grieved differently.

People stop making an effort. This might not be a popular opinion but I think if you marry someone that is slim, makes an effort with how they look and years down the line, they are 4 stone heavier, no longer wear makeup / shaving & walk around in baggy tracksuit bottoms. You will find them less attractive.

People stop having sex. Particularly when it's one partner that decides they dont want to anymore.

I also think it's become too acceptable to just separate. I think (aside from abuse obviously) separating from your child's other parent just because you are a bit bored is sad. I don't think people always try and work past issues anymore as it's "normal" to separate.

@arethereanyleftatall it just seems like an insurmountable obstacle at the moment. I think I've realised through lockdown that holidays and days out are what kept us going...always having something to look forward to even though the day to day is difficult.

It's harder because he's not a bad person, and we actually do have some common interests. The thought of having to sort out 30 years worth of crap in the house, and go through the stress of selling it and finding somewhere, it's just too much. I think I need to wait until the whole covid situation is over and rethink everything, nothing is normal right now.

If you asked him if he wanted to split, he would say absolutely not. He would say that I'm a grumpy cow, and I nag him constantly, but as long as we aren't having blazing rows he's content with the status quo.

@Countrygirl2021
I think the exact opposite. I think it's sad that couples in miserable relationships don't separate more often. I wish that were more normal. (After you've tried etc)

@hellcatspangle
I think that's wise not to make any major decisions in lockdown.
Just to give you my story, whilst recognising it might be different for you - with the benefit of hindsight, I can now see that I fell out of love with my exhusband about 4 years before we decided to split. I couldn't see it at the time, because there were still good times, holidays and stuff, and I was clinging to memories. The house sale has been more about excitement on the other side. Good luck with whatever you choose.

As others have said- people change, particularly from a young age to a much older one. My ex-H and I met at 19, divorced at 30, we both changed so much during our 20 and grew apart.

For a few years flashy shows of love are replaced with letting the other person have an extra hour in bed and then sneaking up to bring them a cup of tea and a cuddle whilst octonauts is on, rather than whisking them to Paris.

This is very true. As is the opposite - if someone isn’t doing the very small, manageable acts of love, it will feel like the caring has completely disappeared.

Resentment is definitely a killer. For me it's less about how he's changed over the years, and more about how he hasn't. The worst aspects of his personality are just getting worse. The constant begging to recognise there is an issue and being ignored. Finding myself parenting an adult as well as children. Living with someone who takes offence to anything they deem a negative towards them, as they spent their whole younger years not having to consider their temper tantrums or any self care as they were the golden child. I'm now a nagging, exhausted mess and he can't function without input - he both moans when not told exactly what to do, then moans I'm 'constantly having a go'. Not sure what the future holds, despite it all I want a future, but I'm not even 40 yet and definitely on the wrong side of giving up.

Resentment I think. I’m starting to feel that way towards my DH. I think he just takes me for granted and is selfish at times, I’m bored of it now and want him to go away a lot of the time. I still love him and am still fond of elements of him, I don’t want our marriage to end at all but I’m just worn down by his lack of consideration.

It’s banded about quite often on mumsnet but a guy wrote a blog about his wife leaving him because he kept leaving dirty glasses by the sink. There’s more to it if you read the blog but I feel this way about my DH. He has really annoying habits like leaving every single drawer or cupboard door open, leaving his dirty towels on the bathroom floor every morning, putting his dirty laundry on top of the laundry basket rather than in it. Whenever he cooks the kitchen somehow looks like a bomb has exploded, he never puts anything away when he’s done with it and leaves spillages on the side rather than spraying and wiping them up. I know it might all sound petty but when you put up with cleaning up after someone every single day for years, it just reaches a point where you can’t stand it anymore and in turn, can’t stand them. He also works a lot at home, not as in WFH but I mean he goes to work then still works when he gets home. He talks about work a lot too and I genuinely don’t have a clue what he’s talking about most of the time because it’s not a field I’m even remotely interested in. I want more help around the house and with our DC ultimately but he seems more bothered about his work. I can’t even look at him sometimes because I’m just so annoyed by his shitty habits or his ‘strong work ethic’ -insert eye roll here-. I’m tired of not only cleaning up after our DC but also after him, can’t be bothered anymore.

So yeah, I’d say resentment is the biggest reason. Being taken for granted, being ignored, maybe pushed away, being made to feel like you aren’t important or special.

Resentment for me.

Love is respect so when that's not there anymore, for oneself and the other party, then resentment builds.

For me it was like someone chipping away at it bit by bit.. every time he shouted, every time he was cruel, every time he put himself first.

I didn't fall out of love with him, he wore it away with time and continued abuse... and every time i tried to rebuild it, he just shattered it again.

The last time it broke, i walked away.

But yes, the growing apart thing too.. i wasn't the same woman at 35, having had 2 kids, lost my parents, gained a disability... that i was at 20.

He couldn't cope with the mature woman i turned into, from the scared, easily controlled little girl.. i started to speak up for myself, to fight back, to put my foot down, and his disrespect, abuse and hatred ramped up.

Sometimes it doesn't die, but is no longer right for the people you have become and the situation you are in.

I still love an ex from years ago and in his way I think he may still love me, even though we are both married to much better suited people and with kids now. I love my husband much more, and it's a deeper and more mature love, but I cannot say the love for this ex is completely dead. We met at a time when we were each what the other person badly needed. It wasn't going to sustain a life together but I think we both knew that. We renewed our zest for life with each other. It was an important life experience for us both. It served its purpose for the time.

Husband knows, by the way.

I think most marriages have peaks and troughs. Times when you are gloriously in love, other times when it is not so rosy.

The pandemic, and being stuck with one person for over a year with no outside distractions and social life is very hard on most marriages. We are not destined to be shoe horned away with a singular person. We need life, friends, family and community to bring colour to our lives.

Start making an effort now, ask him to do the same, and see where you go. In my case, staring down the barrel of serious illness got us both over one major bump as we realised everything we had to lose.

Look at him and see someone who is doing their best, weathering the storm with you.

Talk through any resentment, be honest but gentle about the things that make you sad, encourage him to do the same. Ask and offer solutions. Everyone struggles at times, but lifting each other up - when the going gets tough. Being kind and loving, and laughing together will keep your marriage as strong as it is going to be. Life is hard, harder still in pandemics. Cut each other plenty of slack.

Obviously my post does not relate to anyone suffering abuse or cruelty. In that case, it is always, always better to walk away.

I’m another one who thinks it’s the kids that do it. It makes life a lot harder . It makes sex trickier if you’ve got a crap sleeper and there’s so much more domestic crap to do . Sometimes when I feel dp and I drifting apart I go out of my way to move away from mum mode as much as possible. Takeaway food, standards drop a little in the house , sit up with a bottle of wine and have sex even if it means feeling like a bag of shit the next morning. Just to feel close and like us again. I know the love is still there, if we go on holiday and don’t have work etc we are very much the old us. It comes and goes. I think I’m aware that I’m unlikely to find better than him in terms of loyalty and a team mate in the bullshit of adult life so I just plod along .

For me definitely resentment. He wouldnt lift a finger to help with the house or kids, I was working full time and had the house and kids to deal with too. All that physical and mental load and some selfish arse complaining he didnt get as much sex as he wanted. I loathed him in the end.

I think getting together young is a massive risk factor. You mature so much between say 15 and 25, you can mature away from each other. Then adding in kids later after 15 years of stability and it brings the differences into focus.