How does love die? What kills it?

[Niveainabluetin]

Been with my other half since we were 17, now 43...all those years together, all that time and now drifting apart after the birth of our toddler, trying desperately to hope we can get back to how we were. Best friend been with her husband since she was 15, now getting divorced and they seemingly hate one another..many more stories. What happens...? How can you be so incredibly close for so many years..then it changes...?

Children first and foremost then ... spousal laziness and entitlement leading to disrespect leading to resentment - leading to disdain leading to the ick leading to loathing ... all in my experience . It killed us . And then him whinging about me not being attracted to him and not wanting intimacy . Do me a Favour !
He had an affair at the end. Happiest day of my life .

[quote arethereanyleftatall]@Countrygirl2021
I think the exact opposite. I think it's sad that couples in miserable relationships don't separate more often. I wish that were more normal. (After you've tried etc) [/quote]
Very well said. If the idea that relationships are not necessarily forever were more widely accepted, perhaps amicable and reasonable co-parenting would be more the norm. One of my DD's best friends has been in an arrangement like this since she was 3 - her parents work better as co-parents and friends than they ever did as a couple.

I also agree with your post stating that it is the good times that keep you clinging to hope. That was certainly the case with me - my late husband was happier on holiday, took part in family life, drank a lot less. Seeing him able to be like that kept me clinging to the hope that he would find his way back to the man I married. Sadly real life got in the way.

But surely it’s likely to happen in the majority of relationships eventually?

Not always. I’ve been incredibly lucky and have been married to the nicest, kindest man for 23 years.
I try to learn from his tolerance and not complain about his hoarding tendencies as I know I’ve got plenty of faults. However hoarding apart, in my eyes he’s completely perfect.
The downside is I wake up in the middle of the night terrified of being widowed.

How does he feel about it? Have you talked about it, if you both want to work at it, that's always a good sign. Bringing a child into the relationship is always going to change things and as others have said Lock Down hasn't helped a lot of relationships either.

People change as they get older, maybe 2 people will change in a way that mirrors each other to an extent and maybe they won't

I also think that people that quest for perfection in a partner from the start rather than growing to love someone despite some shortcomings are now likely to grow apart as one person stops being "perfect" pretty quickly

Kids. Once you have kids then you have to be a team and work together. There is loads more work to do and if one isn't pulling their weight, it causes resentment. Also sometimes IL's cause problems as you are forced to see them more/look at their priorities etc as they are grandparents and you are under pressure to foster that relationship which can be a good or bad thing depending. If you meet quite young that can make it difficult as you may not grow together but from what I have observed the number one issue is not working together as a team.

His awful mood swings. His obsession with School girl porn (he was a teacher!) the fact he used to wank regularly to the porn meant we divorced at 30. Best thing that ever happened!

Respect and lack of !
One person not respecting the other.
No help around the house or with kids is just a total lack of respect and once you set the bar that low, that they can opt in and out of responsibility and pick and choose what bits they want to be involved in then it allows disrespect.
Years later resentment creeps in and love does.
Don't set the bar low to begin with as it won't ever be raised.

Watching him be a shit father. That killed love stone dead, then of course, the obligatory infidelity as I was distracted trying to be a good mother.

In all honesty, in my close circle of half a dozen or so friends, I wouldn't say any of them have wonderful marriages with perfect husbands. There seem to be lots of MNers who have though.

Some examples...
I have one friend who's DH is very charming, looks after her well, but he isn't faithful.

Another who's DH is great around the house, nice bloke, but he's a bit dull and doesn't do much with her, he's more interested in gardening.

Another, DH good fun, great at diy, no libido.

They all seem to have major issues in their marriages, yet are staying put. I couldn't honestly tell you if any of them love their husband 100%, maybe they love them some days and not others 🤷🏼‍♀️

Resentment and being taken for granted. I supported him through all sorts. But never got any support back. He, I imagine, would say he still loves me. I really couldn't care less!

Having a child.

DS is two and I’m still “giving it time” to see if we can ever get back to the happiness we used to share. I miss it.

DH and I got together age 17, married at 27, we're both 37 this year.
He's supportive, loving, we still have sex, he's interested when I talk, he's a good dad to our 3 young DC, he's fairly good at housework (and I'm shit at it).
BUT we have different ideas about lots of things, different parenting styles particularly regarding autistic DS, I hate his current hairstyle and clothes, he has started snoring really badly, he eats loudly, and there are times when I look at him and want to scream 'go away!'.
However, I'm taking this year as a right off as it has been so incredibly stressful, and I'm going to reassess my feelings in 2 years. There's no way on earth I could be a single parent at the moment anyway, so I'm being realistic. I think the old 'us' is there somewhere.

@VestaTilley How has having a child changed things for you both?

One in the partnership being a workaholic and thinking that because they bring the majority of the money in (and enjoy and interesting and high flying career meanwhile) then that's pretty much all they have to do.

Getting fat and being slapdash about appearance.

Just general boredom and tedium.

Taking the oh for granted.

Grating habits - whatever they are, if they get on your nerves then it just intensifies over the years.

There's a post above saying that her partner only notices when she stops doing stuff. That has to be a factor, being taken for granted.

Knowing that your quality of life and theirs do not match.

This.

If only the posters on MN lived by the mantra that they deserve the same quality of life as their partner, there would be a huge spike in happiness levels and a shit load of broken relationships.

I've been with DH since we were 15, decades later we're still going strong. There have been blips, having DC was hard. But in general there has never, ever ever been an incident where I thought either of us intended something malicious or we knew the other person was struggling, and failed to back each other up.

Some of the horror story relationships on here make me tear up. People deserve so much more than being dragged down by their "partner" who financially abuses them, who sits down to eat while they go hungry while feeding kids, who gambles away their rent money, who lies and cheats and neglects their children's needs to put their want first....

Many things I read about on here, to be honest. The withdrawal of sex is the absolute death knell to a relationship. Same with co-sleeping for years and other such nonsense passion killers. A tit-for-tat mentality with childcare/chores certainly doesn't help either!

I have seen financial troubles and disagreement really mess up a marriage. If a couple disagree on spending it can be fatal, particularly when there is unmanageable debt that results.

I agree with pp its resentment that kills it.