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Original poster

How does love die? What kills it?

120 replies

Niveainabluetin · 19/04/2021 21:21

Been with my other half since we were 17, now 43...all those years together, all that time and now drifting apart after the birth of our toddler, trying desperately to hope we can get back to how we were. Best friend been with her husband since she was 15, now getting divorced and they seemingly hate one another..many more stories. What happens...? How can you be so incredibly close for so many years..then it changes...?

OP posts:
Mydogmylife · 19/04/2021 23:25

Been with my DH for over 45 years -in that time we have both changed and (hopefully ) matured. I don't think it's luck entirely , we've both worked at it and have had plenty ups and downs over the years. For me , what would've killed it ( other than major transgressions ) would've been indifference - much worse and more soul destroying than anything else I think

EmeraldShamrock · 19/04/2021 23:25

But surely it’s likely to happen in the majority of relationships eventually?
Like all relationships they need investment respect understanding many couples with those qualities make it dedicated to the end and some stay because it's easier.

AintPageantMaterial · 19/04/2021 23:39

I think lack of respect is the real killer.
We can get through the days when we don’t feel loved or loving. We all have some.
But if you feel disrespected or if you look at someone and feel contempt, or even pity, then you are losing your faith in that person in a way that is usually terminal.

Parkmama · 19/04/2021 23:48

@GeorgiaGirl52 can you expand a little more as to why the last child going to school and approaching 40 is so acute? I can identify these feeling like critical times in my marriage where I have felt lost and doubting but have assumed it was down to anxiety and depression triggered by a job change for DH.

thelegohooverer · 19/04/2021 23:51

There’s some very interesting research on marriage

EmeraldShamrock · 20/04/2021 00:01

Or like my quiet easy going Dsis her partner is constantly picking and criticising making everything a long winded saga a grumpy fecker. I'd have buried him years ago. Grin

Sh05 · 20/04/2021 00:35

Resentment, being taken for granted and selfishness.
A friend was married 23 years, looked solid to everyone but once they split she said she'd started to resent him because he just didn't think about anyone other than himself so she obviously felt that he was taking her for granted.
She stuck around to try and make things work but eventually for her own sanity ended things.

therocinante · 20/04/2021 04:20

[quote Niveainabluetin]@MsTSwift I dated a lot before it and we’ve had periods we’ve split. I did find it hard when I was young as I wanted my freedom too, but we always stayed together. We’ve travelled the world and lived abroad for a long time so have always sort of had adventures and a fairly interesting life. I don’t think it would’ve lasted this long most likely, had we stayed where we came from.[/quote]
I think this is the crux of it, OP. You say your life together has been built on 'adventure' - new places, changing scenery. Now you're going through the (lovely) monotony of child rearing - having called it your next adventure, and finding it's nothing like catching flights and learning new languages. It is still an adventure of course - there's something new each day with a toddler! - but I wonder if you're both rubbing up against this idea of yourselves as quite free spirited and untethered by anything (even each other, if there were splits when you were younger) and now you are physically and emotionally tethered by parenthood and kind of resenting the idea of it? You wouldn't be the first parents to feel that way!

therocinante · 20/04/2021 04:24

(I don't mean to sound rude about parenthood! Monotony isn't the right word - more that it's a big chunk of your life now that won't change. No matter where you live or who you're in a relationship with, you're a parent forever now - it's permanent, and while they're young especially there's a kind of daily cycle of care tasks that gets repetitive for any parent after a while!)

Bul21ia · 20/04/2021 04:31

@ConnieCaterpillar70

As I'm sat on my laptop, DH is sat cutting the dead skin off his feet with my best kitchen scissors. He also has a toothpick that he's getting the ham from tea out of this teeth.

That's why relationships end. Familiarity breeds contempt.

Excellent saying!
Bul21ia · 20/04/2021 04:40

@JaceLancs

I totally agree with familiarity breeds contempt Add to that being taken for granted - incompatible views on things eg spend or save mentality It wouldn’t work for everyone but DP and I lived together for 7 years after dating for previous 2-3 years (moved slowly as I had DC) it wasn’t working so we split and he moved out Living apart worked so well we are still happy 15 years later See each other every weekend and go on holiday etc - speak in between and message etc but separate finances and lives works for us
This is interesting I think it’s odd a little bit but if you have DC that are not his but understandable however if you had DC together in not sure it would be possible.

The biggest thing that’s interesting is you would still get to do date nights when you live apart and once you live together it’s often rubbish tbh!

I’m glad it is working for you.

Pyewackect · 20/04/2021 04:42

Indifference.

Slayduggee · 20/04/2021 04:49

Resentment.

Immediately after popping out DC DH became a misogynist asshole unable to do any housework or childcare. I’m fed up on having 3 jobs, FT work, kids and housework whereas DH had one 40 hour per week job. I completely lost any respect I had fir him after the way he treated me after I gave birth.

Townorcountrysideliving · 20/04/2021 05:13

Resentment.

@Slayduggee you could be describing my life!

archiving · 20/04/2021 05:37

For me alot of stuff can be worked through if both people want to actively mend their relationship and both put the effort in. Does require a lot of deep conversations, honesty and really analysing your marriage and 100% effort. However, I think once contempt sets in then it's game over.

MysteriousMonkey · 20/04/2021 06:22

Neglect maybe. I met the person I thought I would be with forever at 21. We only lasted four years, we were both so sure this was it we didn't bother putting any work into out relationship so when it started falling apart and we started growing apart we didn't really notice. Then suddenly we were both done. It was weird and devastating but the feelings were unrecoverable. I am much more careful to stay connected to DH and be mindful of our relationship.

BrutusMcDogface · 20/04/2021 06:37

Interesting re:the approaching 40 comment; dp and I are both 40 this year and I have frequent moments when I can’t bloody stand him! What is it about turning 40? 🤔

arethereanyleftatall · 20/04/2021 07:26

@BrutusMcDogface
Around 40 for me was when my eyes were opened. I stopped taking shit from everyone. I said no more.

Silverfly · 20/04/2021 07:33

I agree with @therocinante. You were thinking of becoming parents as your next adventure, but the truth is that having a toddler is quite boring as adventures go! Lots of repetition and grind in among the moments of joy.

OP - maybe start thinking about something you can both look forward to (covid allowing)?

MsTSwift · 20/04/2021 07:40

We living so much longer than we used to. Get together at 15 likely dead by mid 30s / 40s now people live until 80!

I had 2 serious adult relationships before dh in addition to lots of dating and learned so much from the relationships. Means I really value him. And he me - his long term ex pre me was not easy super intelligent but volatile I am neither 😁.

pointythings · 20/04/2021 07:41

What killed it for me was that in my marriage there was one person willing to work and make changes (me) and one who basically said 'well, I just am like that, I can't help it, live with it' (him).

With the best will in the world, if only one person is willing to put in a bit of work and compromise, it isn't going to work.

After his mum died suddenly, he started drinking more and more and as he did so, he did less and less for the family. He genuinely believed that working and bringing home an income was enough - but I worked full time too and did all the child, house, mental load stuff.

Eventually his alcohol addiction broke us completely - but it was his unwillingness to accept that he needed to accept some responsibility for the state of things that was at the root of it all. He truly believed it was All My Fault.

MsTSwift · 20/04/2021 07:41

Apparently 40 onwards we lose the female hormone that makes us loving and patient. Makes sense. Scales fall from eyes...

arethereanyleftatall · 20/04/2021 07:51

@MsTSwift
I prefer to think of it as we see the truth, not some made up fantasy about our Prince Charmings. I'm not sure I like the idea that we lose the ability to be caring, it's still there, but needs to be deserved!

frumpety · 20/04/2021 07:59

Lack of appreciation. Resentment. Not seeing each other as part of a team.

hellcatspangle · 20/04/2021 08:10

Everything and nothing, all the little things that breed resentment, leaving empty cartons on the side a instead of putting them in the bin, the lid off the toothpaste, the towel on the floor until, having the tv too loud, one day the smallest thing ends your relationship because it’s the straw that broke the camels back.

This about sums it up. I've lost track of all the little things my husband does that create more work for me, that I've asked him 1000 times not to do (so I'm a nag), but he still does them because clearly he doesn't care enough not to. Am at the stage where I just want to live alone but it seems like such a massive step.

I can also imagine the barrage of questions from people about why we've fallen apart, and having to admit that it's because he leaves the loo seat up, and toast crumbs on the kitchen surface every fucking day instead of using the breadboard.