How does love die? What kills it?

[Niveainabluetin]

Been with my other half since we were 17, now 43...all those years together, all that time and now drifting apart after the birth of our toddler, trying desperately to hope we can get back to how we were. Best friend been with her husband since she was 15, now getting divorced and they seemingly hate one another..many more stories. What happens...? How can you be so incredibly close for so many years..then it changes...?

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

Like so many others, I clicked on this thread to say resentment.

Seeing them lying there snoring away when you’re so tired. Knowing that your quality of life and theirs do not match.

Oh god yes. It simmers inside you like a rage.

Abuse of any sort, continual verbal put-downs. Violence. Hostility/non-acceptance by in-laws. The list is long

@Titsywoo What’s managed to keep you together, do you think, if you’re both such different people?

Maybe you're thinking about it the wrong way round. I think it's completely unrealistic for the vast majority of people to fall in love in their twenties; then the whole rollercoaster of kids, change, stress, everything, and still be in love in their eighties. It's inconceivable that you WOULD still love each other. Maybe we should accept that that only happens to the lucky few, and be more accepting that relationships just run their course, then it's time to move on.

@SmiledWithTheRisingSun I was going to say the same about @therocinante! Excellent post. (And I’m one of those carrying resentment about partner not being helpful enough after a death).

[quote Niveainabluetin]@Titsywoo What’s managed to keep you together, do you think, if you’re both such different people?[/quote]
I meant we are different to how we were rather than different to each other. I think it helps that we were best friends before we got together and our relationship was a bit of a slow burn at the start. Long term we just get on really well but still have our own lives and interests. It hasn't been perfect - there have been ups and downs - but we resolve conflict pretty well. Most importantly we are on each others side. Some of my friends are in marriages where they seem to actively dislike each other and speak to each other horribly.

Everything and nothing, all the little things that breed resentment, leaving empty cartons on the side a instead of putting them in the bin, the lid off the toothpaste, the towel on the floor until, having the tv too loud, one day the smallest thing ends your relationship because it’s the straw that broke the camels back.

I think mine has died.

Caused by- resentment, selfishness, alcohol issues and husband being a workaholic. Young kids and lockdown have brought issues to a head.

Breaking wind.
It makes me want to separate, regardless of how many years we have been together.

From my own friendship group, the ones who appear to be the most unhappy but stay regardless are the ones who have been together the longest.

It’s almost like they are staying to save face.

Not speaking from personal experience, but have 30 years counseling experience. The three stress points are children, age, and infidelity.
When the first child is 2-3 years and when the last child starts school - these are critical times.
When either partner approaches 40 - this is a critical time.
When either partner is discovered to be unfaithful, no matter what age.

@LadyCluck

Resentment Lack of consideration Being taken for granted Selfish behaviour

All. Of. This.

Indifference

I'm in a very similar situation to you. Been with my husband since secondary school (age 15). We are both 45 this year, married for twenty years this year.
We still love eachother but there are days he annoys the pants off me and I can barely look at him, and I'm sure there are times when he fees the same way about me.
I think all the little annoyances just chip away at your love and respect for eachother sometimes, and sometimes it can be the pettiest things, but when you see them over and over again it just wears you down.
Like having to say the same things ad nauseum like reminding them to put dishes straight in the dishwasher not the sink, like cleaning up after themselves after a shower or using the toilet, like not throwing wet towels on the floor etc. When you've said the same thing for years and nothing changes, you begin to be worn down and each time it happens it just chips away at your tolerance.
Being taken for granted can really wear you down.
I think seeing someone at their physical 'worst' too also starts to eat into your view of them as a sexy/mysterious person, like seeing the skid marks they leave on the loo, finding nail clippings on the carpet, listening to them eat super loud etc. Little annoyances that, if you're in the wrong mood, can piss you off.
Yes, it's definitely about familiarity breeding contempt, lack of mystery and excitement, and the hum drum of daily life.
But sometimes I look over at DH and still think to myself, "God, you're gorgeous", so I think as long as the bad stuff doesn't outweigh the good stuff, and your long history together and shared experiences, then it's still worth being together.

I totally agree with familiarity breeds contempt
Add to that being taken for granted - incompatible views on things eg spend or save mentality
It wouldn’t work for everyone but DP and I lived together for 7 years after dating for previous 2-3 years (moved slowly as I had DC) it wasn’t working so we split and he moved out
Living apart worked so well we are still happy 15 years later
See each other every weekend and go on holiday etc - speak in between and message etc but separate finances and lives works for us

Boredom
Not fancying them anymore
Being neglected /ignored
Any form of cheating

I think most relationships should last about 5 years.
People stay because of fear of being poor or lonely.
Some people like the safeness of a shit relationship rather than a leap into the unknown.

Pettiness.
Pedantry.
Irreconcilable differences in key areas which you arrive at, perhaps after many years of never encountering said area before: new parenthood, home maintenance, windfalls or financial difficulty, family illness, bereavement, moral / political / ethical insights or epiphanies, and you just cannot find common ground, nor see the other's point of view. Killer.

@GeorgiaGirl52 That’s interesting. Why specifically age 2-3, just because it’s that difficult toddler age?
I can see the turning 40 thing, but we were ok with that as had lived a full life and were on to the adventure of having a child after waiting so long.

[quote SmiledWithTheRisingSun]@therocinante sounds like great advice. Are you a MG councillor? [/quote]
Ah, thank you! No, I've just had a lot of therapy haha - I would love to be a relationship counsellor though.

@GeorgiaGirl52 gosh very accurate! We had a hard time when the babies were small, then split up a few months after his 40th birthday due to his infidelity.
There had been a lot of resentment on both sides for years for various reasons.
We are back together after much much counselling. We still fancy each other , I actually think when that goes it must be the killer.

Even just reading this is stressing me out ! Our final straw was him calling me a cunt to my youngest son . To outsiders I don’t have enough to break up what many see as an amazing strong partnership . But the minute he walks in and asks me what I have done all day and why are there five cups in the washing up bowl..
And how he talks AT me non stop without even considering if I’m doing something or half asleep or struggling .
Oh yes . Mr perfect .
It’s a bucket of drips ... and one day you will have to decide to either sink or swim in it . We made this bed together but I’m getting the hell out ..

So glad I didn’t meet dh until we both late twenties. Must be stifling to meet so young neither of you have had any other relationships!

Agree with everyone else, resentment, selfishness, thoughtlessness, familiarity, toddlers.

Stress, financial pressure, mental load, physical body changes, personality changes.
There's a million reasons we're together 15 years I think? there has been times when we fell out of love but always fall back in love overall he respects me.
Looking at some of my friends relationship they'd be better off falling out of love permanently they get little support from their partners.

But surely it’s likely to happen in the majority of relationships eventually? What’s the point in meeting someone else, for it all to be amazing at the start, ok in the middle and resentment and hate (some relationships) towards the end

@MsTSwift I dated a lot before it and we’ve had periods we’ve split. I did find it hard when I was young as I wanted my freedom too, but we always stayed together. We’ve travelled the world and lived abroad for a long time so have always sort of had adventures and a fairly interesting life. I don’t think it would’ve lasted this long most likely, had we stayed where we came from.