My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2)

[workworkworkugh]

Just opening a new thread as I believe the other one is getting full.
Will try and link the old one

Best wishes op

If something has happened, which makes him finally see, this is progress, however hard for you all. Sending my best wishes and hope this will now finally be resolved and your ds extricated from this girl’s clutches.

Its good he is starting to realise, when we were in a similar situation I kept reminding him relationships shouldnt be hard work, eventually he did start to realise

best of luck op

@workworkworkugh really hope that things are turning a corner.
If you have time, you might want to catch the new SBS series See what you made me do? which started tonight.
It's about domestic violence in all its' forms (including specific material about coercive control) and is based on the brilliant same-titled book by Jess Hill. Obviously it would be great to watch together with your son, but might also help you too.
Stay safe and all the best

I really hope things improve for you and your family soon

Been following this for a while, still can't believe her parents haven't got her any proper support. The girl needs help.

Good luck x

Good luck OP. Hope this girl gets the help she so clearly needs and, more importantly, releases her grip on on your ds.

Ok, so latest update from this past week. I’m going to point form this as quick as I can.
Things had been pretty quiet for the week. DS was attending work and all trainings, still seeing GF but home for dinner, so overall a bit more balanced.
GF and her mum came and spoke to me at DS sports game on the weekend and had a chat, this was the first time I’d spoken to the GF face to face since October and I appreciated the effort (despite my feelings on her or the situation).

Tuesday, DS asked to go see GF after school but he was coming down with a cold and sounded and looked awful so I said no, he was fine with that.
That night GF put a picture on her social media, photos of her crying and pictures of self harm with statements like ‘trauma at the hands of a 40yo woman’ ‘I hope you see this, you know what you have caused’ plus much more. A mutual friend saw this and alerted me. It was taken down quite quickly.

We were advised to go to the police as it shows an escalation in behaviour and people with personality disorders (although I don’t want to armchair diagnose) continue to escalate until they get the reaction that they want, which is quite frightening.

The police weren’t that helpful, again. I don’t want to go into too much detail as I’d be here all night, but there is not much they can do, they did say we could msg the parents to tell her to stop or we would take further action.
DH did this and the father called DH and they had a chat, it apparently went around in circles and even though DH pointed out her lies and that i have proof of her lies and more the father wasn’t interested in seeing the proof. There’s so much more, but in a nutshell, they don’t seem to know what to do so aren’t doing much. He completely laughed off the ‘kill your mum’ comment as just being silly.
They did ask us to hold off further action as she was receiving counselling. DH agreed on the provision nothing else was put on social media about me etc or we would take it further.

Throughout this, DS could see it, he made comments to me that showed he could see it wasn’t right; but now, days later, he would rather not talk about it and still wants to see her as he was before.

Also the youth police liaison that called me and was a great help, turns out she knows the GF family (distantly) so therefore cannot be involved in any future developments 🤦🏻‍♀️. I feel like we’re getting blocked at every turn.
I know I’m missing a lot, but that’s the update for anyone who is interested.

Oh gosh OP, that sounds awful. She really does need more than just counselling.
I'm glad your DD is spending a bit less time with her but she is still being very controlling and manipulative.

Do school know about all of this?

Thanks for updating btw, I think about you and your DS a lot, and am always hoping to hear that things are getting better, fingers crossed they will soon.

Hugs and

I really feel for you, her parents are just completely lacking and being ostriches aren't they?

She doesn't need counselling she needs intensive therapy. I hope she is seeing an appropriately trained therapist.

Oh that's awful OP I too was hoping for a more positive update the girl definitely is unhinged and her parents sound useless tbh I really hope things improve and your son finally sees her for what she is 😞

Your update is more and more concerning.

As the dad wasn’t terribly concerned about the evidence, I would seriously be concerned that the counselling this girl is getting is a sham. From your perspective it is therefore unlikely to resolve any issues. More likely she will fail to engage properly and / or the counsellor will think things are resolved when they’re not. Especially when the parents are trying to brush every situation under the carpet.

I get why your dh agreed not to take this further when put on the spot. However, I wouldn’t hold yourselves to this tbh. This family do not deserve your honesty when they’re gaslighting you and behaving dishonestly.

As for the youth officer, can they put you in touch with someone else even if they’re out of area?

I've been following your posts. I'm horrified for you. One of mine had an extremely unhealthy relationship at that age. It nearly broke us x

You're not in the uk are you? If you were I'd have recommended calling social services about it. Her parents are failing to take this seriously and are in fact failing to protect her. She's most obviously mentally ill and needs help. Is there an equivalent where you are I wonder?

Best of luck x

Ok... someone using Self Harming as a means of controlling a partner is very dangerous ...

OP this girl will do anything to separate your DS from your life.

I think a complaint is required regarding the Police, because you are correct, they are are ignoring Duty of Care.

Jesus Christ what fucking useless parents she has. Sounds like they aren't prepared to do something until it's too late and she's hurt herself or someone else.

I feel for you OP, I can't imagine how helpless you must feel.

It still sounds really worrying and frustrating.

But just one question - did your DS tell her he couldn’t see her because you said no? Rather than just say he was feeling dreadful with a cold? Because if he did he really played into her narrative of you coming between them which is not helpful. If he didn’t feel he could just say he was feeling rubbish it’s quite telling. He may feel he needs to blame you for not seeing her as a protection mechanism. And if he has been doing that throughout the relationship it may partly explain some of her resentment towards you. Obviously it doesn’t excuse her behaviour at all.

@workworkworkugh I wonder... What kind of social services do you have where you are?

Just a thought but it could be reported to there. Also If you do go to the police again ask them if they would behave different if it was a boy doing this to a girl. Sadly the persons sex changes the reaction to the situation when it comes to police.

The photos are proof that she is self harming, surely the school have to act now from a safe guarding point of view? OP you and your DH keep trying to be reasonable with this family but they are not reasonable people, you owe them nothing, stop trying to negotiate or talk sense with them. Act to protect your family, that is the priority.

Peridot1 makes an interesting point. The girl is obviously deranged but if ds is constantly painting you as a the bad guy, this is just feeding into the drama.

The parents are unbelievably useless. I think a visit from the police and social service might be in order as they seem to have absolutely no concept of the fact that this is really quite serious.

My heart goes out to you.

I can see you think the police liaison person has given you the brush off - and it is really strange she hasn't put you in contact with an alternative. It is not that unusual to potentially deal professionally with someone you know . Happens with social workers, doctors, police - the list is endless. When that happens, the client gets referred on to another professional if either party doesn't wish to have that professional relationship.

I agree a new police liaison is of paramount importance - and font be afraid of going formal. Her parents will continue to minimise - please don't let them.

I feel this girl is being let down by her parents.

Good luck OP, sorry the saga continues.