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AIBU?

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Original poster

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2)

1000 replies

workworkworkugh · 19/04/2021 13:22

Just opening a new thread as I believe the other one is getting full.
Will try and link the old one

OP posts:
Buttonfm · 21/04/2021 18:29

In the UK I think it's illegal for a 16 year old boy to have sex with a 15 year old girl as the 15 year old can't consent.

If that's true in Australia, she could be holding a rape/child abuse allegation over him.

You need to find out exactly what he is afraid of.

BlueDahlia69 · 21/04/2021 19:18

@Buttonfm

In the UK I think it's illegal for a 16 year old boy to have sex with a 15 year old girl as the 15 year old can't consent.

If that's true in Australia, she could be holding a rape/child abuse allegation over him.

You need to find out exactly what he is afraid of.

both have claimed there has been no sexual activity.

Highviolet1 · 21/04/2021 19:45

Good luck. Such a tricky situation.

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 21/04/2021 21:08

I believe they have had sex and have seen messages to that effect (her parents just didn't know as she hadn't told them) our DS has had discussions with us about it too.
In Aus that is not illegal as there is less than 2 years difference in their ages.

OP posts:
AliceMcK · 21/04/2021 21:18

I can’t believe the police are not taking her encouraging your DS to kill you seriously. As you have said op, if this was the other way round her parents would have the police at your door step.

I think your far more reasonable than me, I’d not have been so reasonable with my DCs in your position on any of this.

I don’t for one second believe her parents when they say that they don’t believe they have slept together, I think they are extremely deluded where their child is concerned. I personally would not engage with them again especially f they are not going to respect your boundaries and rules. But that’s just me.

I’m hoping that your DS will soon see sense and cut this girl off for good.

YourWinter · 21/04/2021 23:10

Surely the sooner your DH 'goes nuclear' the sooner there will be some definitive progress! It will probably fizzle out of its own accord over the next year, if your nerves can take it, but the possibility either of pregnancy, or violence (to your DS, or self-inflicted by the GF) seem to be genuine risks not worth waiting for.

Mrgrinch · 21/04/2021 23:21

@workworkworkugh

I believe they have had sex and have seen messages to that effect (her parents just didn't know as she hadn't told them) our DS has had discussions with us about it too. In Aus that is not illegal as there is less than 2 years difference in their ages.
Have you spoken to him about the possibility of an entrapment pregnancy? And all the ways in which that will change his life forever.
hannayeah · 21/04/2021 23:57

Of course they are having sex.

Has the school seen the messages telling him to end your life?

Isn’t there a safeguarding issue here because the parents are neglecting her mental health?

Justilou1 · 22/04/2021 00:07

The parents need to know they’re having sex so that they can ensure that she’s taking the pill. THIS is what she’s been holding over his head. He’s so sex-addled, he can’t imagine life without it again and knows it’s not that easy to get it elsewhere.

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 22/04/2021 00:33

Just to answer a few quick questions.
DS has told me previously they have not had sex, I'm not sure I believe him and think they have and he was just a bit embarrassed to say.
All the messages indicate they have, but if they haven't yet, they would be very close.

I've mentioned pregnancy to the Mum before and she said GF told her she wasn't ready so she didn't think it was true.

After our recent chat I told both parents I believe they are definitely having sex and they seemed shocked. I don't know how you can be that naive really.
I mean they're teenagers, they're going to find a way no matter what.

I've spoken to my son before this particular GF about safe sex at all times, even if the girl says she's on contraception.
I've spoken to the parents about our concern of pregnancy.
And I've spoken to DS again about how she could possibly get pregnant on purpose to trap him if she feels like she's losing control again.

Again, I feel I've said all the right things to DS (past conversations etc) but that's really out of our control now.

We have also spoken about how she could get nasty and claim that he has sexually assaulted her or coerced her into doing something.
DS assures me that he has a clear conscience in that regards in that he has never forced/coerced her into doing anything she didn't want to.
So if it were to come to that, we of course would have his back.

I hate to be dismissive of any girls claims in that regard as I feel very strongly about it but I also know what she is capable of.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 22/04/2021 00:46

OP do you think that she has something t hold over your son. Like he has sent her naked pictures (this happened to a friend's son who stupidly sent a picture and then was blackmailed)? Or perhaps he fears she will kill herself if they break up?

Anyway, I am just so sorry you are going through this.

BlueDahlia69 · 22/04/2021 00:56

You're doing all the right things OP. 🌸

Justilou1 · 22/04/2021 02:50

I agree with you about this girl’s likelihood of being the sort to make false statements. And I am saying this as a historical rape victim who is very strongly involved in the current March for Justice movement here in Australia. I know exactly how low the statistics are when it comes to false rape reporting and this girl is the sort who would probably put herself through that just to feel like she had won, or to “punish” him for leaving him. I would recommend diarising everything you can and keeping screenshots of anything you have to cover him legally, just in case things get ugly eventually. Make sure you diarise the death threat, the trip to the police, conversations with police, etc. Don’t let your son know you have this unless you actually need this.

Justilou1 · 22/04/2021 02:50

*conversations with parents, school, etc...

FilthyforFirth · 22/04/2021 08:51

I am not surprised at her parents. They probably dont care if she gets pregnant as it would tie her to your DS forever. Which seems to be what they want. I find them utterly baffling.

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 22/04/2021 08:51

DS went to school yesterday for a special class, we gave him this week off in light of everything, but we know it was really to see GF.

The Mum sent DS a reply message yesterday (with a kissy winky face emoji, gross) saying that they are trying to limit their time together, so my husband and I thought we were starting to be on the same page, progress!

Today DS went to see GF again in the afternoon so my DH messaged the Mum/dad just letting them know in case it was going against their wishes, "all good!" was the reply.
The GF also told DS that her "mum and dad don't even care about the time apart, they're only doing it so your mum stops going on about it"

These are only minor things comparatively, and I don't want to sound like it's all about me, my main concern is how DS is going to be mentally after all this is over, but I feel so alone.
That this girl has said what she's said and there's literally been no repercussions or accountability, nothing.

My husband wants me to get the restraining order on her so she can't say anything about me online etc but I really don't want to, as much as I hate her, she's still a 15yo kid and in a small town I don't want to ruin any future prospects for her, I'm just not that sort of person.
I'm so sad, and angry and frustrated that everyone has forgotten what she's done.

OP posts:
Original poster
workworkworkugh · 22/04/2021 08:55

Also I'm paranoid people may not believe why I'm saying (it sounds far fetched to me!)
I've attached the main message that I've been talking about, I might take it down later...

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2)
OP posts:
FilthyforFirth · 22/04/2021 09:04

Dear god. I cannot believe no one is taking this seriously. I am so sorry.

I agree with your DH. Fuck her. Get the restraining order. She is not your concern, let her batshit parents worry about her future.

madmumofteens · 22/04/2021 09:05

Oh OP that makes for hard reading I really feel for you I think no matter what you do you will be damned! Just know you are an amazing mum don't lose faith xx

Mix56 · 22/04/2021 09:06

I think you should get a restraining order on her, if nothing else, it shows your son how "idle threats" are seen from the threatened.
He is accepting her behaviour, you need to show you are not.
She may be a fixture in his life for years.

maras2 · 22/04/2021 09:09

Bub 's Aussie for baby isn't it?
Do you have one and is she asking DS to kill it as well as killing you? Shock
If so the police really should take this more seriously.

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 22/04/2021 09:10

@maras2 no, they call each other babe/baby/bub as a nickname

OP posts:
DPotter · 22/04/2021 09:13

The strain for you is so hard, that I think you need to let your DH start playing a larger role. He's making a very sensible suggestion of a restraining order and I really think you should go for this, if for no other reason than the police also suggested it as an option and by not following their advice it could be used against you further on down the road, in a "but Mrs Work you were advised to get a restraining order but didn't so the situation can't have been that bad". You say part of your frustration is because there have been no repercussions for the girl, well a restraining order is a repercussion - not a big one I grant you, but a consequence all the same.

I also think your DH could, may even should start having 'man-to-man' conversations with your DS. Maybe he already is, but it would be good for your DS to discuss with his Dad what the fuck is going on.

I also agree with another poster - maybe time to unleash your DH 'going nuclear' so it isn't just you calling this behaviour into question.

People like this girl get away with so much because others around them are reasonable people and don't want to cause upset.

maras2 · 22/04/2021 09:14

Oh, ok.Thank God for that ........ but ........
She's still deranged.
Don't trust her nor her bonkers parents.
Your poor boy, you must be frantic.

Nanny0gg · 22/04/2021 09:19

Never you mind about her future - that's her parent's concern, not yours.

Get a restraining order for you. It might wake your DS up when she oversteps again.

And he might well have a clear conscience about how he treats her, but that won't help him if she lies, will it?

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