My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2)

[workworkworkugh]

Just opening a new thread as I believe the other one is getting full.
Will try and link the old one

@Nanny0gg

Never you mind about her future - that's her parent's concern, not yours.

Get a restraining order for you. It might wake your DS up when she oversteps again.

And he might well have a clear conscience about how he treats her, but that won't help him if she lies, will it?

Oh this this this.

I am afraid I would get the restraining order.

Your son has fallen under her spell, or he is deluded, or she has something on him.

I am afraid at this stage I would be angry with him too. She dumped him when he was concussed. He's set the bar very low for what he expects from a girl.

I would not want her anywhere near me.

@DPotter

The strain for you is so hard, that I think you need to let your DH start playing a larger role. He's making a very sensible suggestion of a restraining order and I really think you should go for this, if for no other reason than the police also suggested it as an option and by not following their advice it could be used against you further on down the road, in a "but Mrs Work you were advised to get a restraining order but didn't so the situation can't have been that bad". You say part of your frustration is because there have been no repercussions for the girl, well a restraining order is a repercussion - not a big one I grant you, but a consequence all the same.

I also think your DH could, may even should start having 'man-to-man' conversations with your DS. Maybe he already is, but it would be good for your DS to discuss with his Dad what the fuck is going on.

I also agree with another poster - maybe time to unleash your DH 'going nuclear' so it isn't just you calling this behaviour into question.

People like this girl get away with so much because others around them are reasonable people and don't want to cause upset.

100% agree with this. This is not just about the girl having consequences but her parents need a great big bloody slap too for enabling her. They are obviously undermining you at every turn too op.

I honestly think you need to take a step back and let your DH take control and use every resource available to you which is a restraining order. This girl has total control over your teenage son no matter what he says. The fact that she can tell him to just kill you and he’s not bothered says to me he is totally under her control and that is dangerous for everybody if this is he way of thinking.

At 15 she is not a child who dosnt understand her actions. I remember an earlier post where you said the school thought she was very studious and would be a good influence on your DS, so she’s not stupid. Children a lot younger than her are held criminally accountable for their actions.

You have to stop being nice, if you can’t take the lead in that your DH needs to.

I hate to say this but if you don’t do something serious you are as bad as her parents who have spoilt and enabled her. You priority is you and your family not her.

My husband wants me to get the restraining order on her so she can't say anything about me online etc but I really don't want to, as much as I hate her, she's still a 15yo kid and in a small town I don't want to ruin any future prospects for her, I'm just not that sort of person.
I'm so sad, and angry and frustrated that everyone has forgotten what she's done.

With all due respect, OP...

Bollocks to worrying about this psycho's future prospects! Your DS - and indeed YOU - are in real danger here.

And you're saying you're sad and angry and frustrated that everyone has forgotten what she's done, but here you are trying to protect her yourself! She's really done a number on everyone involved, if you ask me.

I wouldn't give a flying shit about her future. Play stupid games. Win stupid prizes.

I haven't commented until now but have followed both posts. Seeing that message turned me cold. I understand young love is very intense, especially when sex is involved but she can't keep controlling your DS. And even worse turn him against you. I agree your DH needs to be more active now in protecting you and letting both of them see it's not 'all you'. I feel DS is too emotionally involved, I don't agree that she's got something on him at the moment, I see it as he's deeply in love for the first time. Deep down he knows it's not right but his emotions are too strong and are blinding him. Keep strong is all I can offer and let him know you're there whatever happens. I really worry about what she's capable of though but think he will come to his senses, hopefully sooner rather than later. I would also get that message logged with someone higher up in the police. If that were an adult sending that surely they'd take it seriously?

Looking at it another way, a restraining order on file might save the next poor sucker. This may be a pattern of behaviour throughout her life and if nothing is ever documented or tackled officially then nothing can be done to help her. You're not actually helping her in the long run, your covering up for her.

@Italiangreyhound

I am afraid I would get the restraining order.

Your son has fallen under her spell, or he is deluded, or she has something on him.

I am afraid at this stage I would be angry with him too. She dumped him when he was concussed. He's set the bar very low for what he expects from a girl.

I would not want her anywhere near me.

Yes and she tried to incite him to murder his own mother. A very low bar indeed.

I think he is terrified of her. He is terrified of her reaction, and who knows what she has threatened him with. Her own parents fobbing it off normalises her behaviour. Perhaps in some way he thinks he is protecting his own family because he thinks by staying with her he can manage it?

I would not hesitate to get a restraining order and in fact would feel it was my moral duty to that girl. Given her parents do not care at all about her, it might be the one thing that saves her.

Also, can’t believe he was allowed to go see her when he was told he would not be allowed until the weekend.

I also think you should get the restraining order. I really do understand your reticence. However, if you don’t, you also risk becoming another one of her enablers.

And tbh, I really don’t see how getting a restraining order on an out of control term will ruin her future. She and her parents are doing that themselves precisely by pretending there is no issue.

I said upthread that holding her accountable could be exactly what she needs to start fixing her issues. If anything, standing up to her could be the start of her getting the support and help she needs. Perhaps even her get parents to act for her long term benefit.

However, the bottom line is you and your dh have a responsibility to show your ds how adults behave when the are threatened and / or abused.

I also agree with your DH and other posters who say get a restraining order. Your family are the priority and like someone else has said let her family deal with her. It will also send a message to her parents that you are serious. I can't
help.thinking that at the minute they just think you are making a fuss about nothing. They need a wake up call to the implications of their daughters behaviours and a restraining order is a start.

I think I agree with previous posters, you need to get in arse protection mode. If this girl starts throwing false allegations around in the future the fact that you had a restraining order in place (keeping her from you rather than necessarily your son - though both would be good) is going to carry more weight than you showing phone messages after the event. It shows her behaviour was bad enough to warrant action rather than you looking like you are throwing conter allegations as a defence - if that makes sense?

*counter

@hannayeah

I would not hesitate to get a restraining order and in fact would feel it was my moral duty to that girl. Given her parents do not care at all about her, it might be the one thing that saves her.

Also, can’t believe he was allowed to go see her when he was told he would not be allowed until the weekend.

Cross post. This is exactly my thinking.

And yes, I also agree, it is unfortunate op and her dh haven’t held a hard line on not seeing her till the weekend for a complete breather.

BlueLobelia yes that is even worse but I am guessing she said it was a 'joke' or some such.

ami "... young love is very intense, especially when sex is involved but she can't keep controlling your DS. And even worse turn him against you. I agree your DH needs to be more active now in protecting you and letting both of them see it's not 'all you'. I feel DS is too emotionally involved, I don't agree that she's got something on him at the moment, I see it as he's deeply in love for the first time."

Yes, I don't really think she has something on him, it was just an idea.

I agree to 'OP's. Dh stepping in.

@Mummyratbag

I think I agree with previous posters, you need to get in arse protection mode. If this girl starts throwing false allegations around in the future the fact that you had a restraining order in place (keeping her from you rather than necessarily your son - though both would be good) is going to carry more weight than you showing phone messages after the event. It shows her behaviour was bad enough to warrant action rather than you looking like you are throwing conter allegations as a defence - if that makes sense?

yes and this. Your DS is also incredibly vulnerable and at risk of her manipulations and delusions. You need ticks on the board detailing the concerns.

That message is not just a throwaway, oh kill your mum. It's coercive and chilling.
And bub is not being used in the context of a nickname for each other. It is referring to somebody else.
I second what others have said, you owe this girl nothing, get your husband involved and get the restraining order. Cut all ties with the family and tell him you don't want to hear any more about her while letting him know you love him and are there if he needs you.

@Justilou1

The parents need to know they’re having sex so that they can ensure that she’s taking the pill. THIS is what she’s been holding over his head. He’s so sex-addled, he can’t imagine life without it again and knows it’s not that easy to get it elsewhere.

What an unpleasant post!

OP agreeing with others ,sod her feelings or her parents just look after your son and family
Listen to your husband and get the restraining order.
Hopefully will help prove to your son how bad the problem is.
Also if anything does happen after getting it ,its on record her behaviour etc.
Please get the restraining order

@Pottedpalm unfortunately with some whispers of no one will like you enough, I'm the best you'll get because of x y and z this sometimes happens in abuseive relationships. It happened to me when I was 16 and my dick head ex.

Its grooming and the abuser will make you feel so ugly so un loved that you think the only person who will be intimate with you is that abuser. So you stick around.

I'm not purposely trying to be difficult, but some of her messages have blamed me for her mental health and so I think if she were to harm herself in anyway for what I've done I'd never forgive myself.
I also think the police would encourage me to forget it and move on as she is so young.
She clearly thinks and has said (and probably her parents) that I'm the one that has caused all this trouble so if I were to take it further it sort of proves her point, doesn't it? That I'm an asshole out to get to a 15yo?

Oh OP she has done a number on you and everyone else.

You are NOT at fault.

I am now wondering if there is some sort of counselling you can get. To identify, and recognise signs of serious personaility disorders. Because she is the issue. Not you. She is just hanging her hat onto you. Because it deflects everything.

That’s a very chilling message - even if you do still somehow want to protect the young gf, it must be soul -destroying and frightening especially after all your previous good-natured leniency and hope that it would resolve itself.
But it won’t resolve itself as she isn’t being helped to see sense by her own parents and your wisdom is alien to her. Even if you stand back and do nothing from this point, her alienation towards you will still grow and grow. It’s clear to see from the message that you are now fixed in her mind as the enemy.
All the while, your very young DS is trying to stand firm and form his own opinion but he can’t see the wood for the trees when his gf’s position is so very entrenched with you painted as the only road block to his happiness.

I would go back to the police again now and ask to register with them, all your concerns including that very clear incitement to kill. Speak to somebody else there. Or get legal advice at least. Your concerns really must now be registered officially somewhere.
Doing so could well save a dreadful outcome for your poor DS ...and for you all.
You are kind to still be thinking of her future but really, your own son comes first. Please do all you can to save him from her now, even if he hates you for it in the short term.
You have your husband’s support to do this.

I understand your reluctance OP but she is counting on you feeling this way and manipulating you to be too scared to do anything. I suspect this is the hold she has on her parents. You are playing in to her and her parents hands with your fear. You can't control what she does and you are not to blame for her emotionally unstable personality disorder. You need to protect your own children and let her parents protect her.

@workworkworkugh

I'm not purposely trying to be difficult, but some of her messages have blamed me for her mental health and so I think if she were to harm herself in anyway for what I've done I'd never forgive myself. I also think the police would encourage me to forget it and move on as she is so young. She clearly thinks and has said (and probably her parents) that I'm the one that has caused all this trouble so if I were to take it further it sort of proves her point, doesn't it? That I'm an asshole out to get to a 15yo?

Prove her point to whom? Who matters more to you than you and your family? Who cares what anyone else thinks? God knows she and her parents don't have your son or his family's well-being in mind.

Forget about what other people think or say, you need to focus exactly on what is right for your family. You are not responsible for this girl and in fact you must be very wary of her.

The thing is OP actually doing something maybe the only way to actually in the long term save her. She needs serious help and intervention now and her parents arent helping her at all by allowing this to continue.

Not only that but your priority is to protect your son and your family.

I think you do need to go down a police route and firmly go down it. 15 year old girls can be dangerous (look at the US at the moment) so she shouldnt simply be ignored because of her age and that she is a teenage girl