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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partners ex photo stream AIBU?

145 replies

Locationlocation55 · 18/04/2021 18:02

My partner and I have been together for almost three years, his ex (who they have one child with) has never liked me it started off with name calling and bullying etc, we do not talk at all after I sent her a message regarding rumours she was spreading and since then she has been blocked.
Their daughter stays with us every other weekend bringing along her things and an iPad that my partner bought her for Christmas last year - a few months back his daughter mentioned that she had ‘pictures of mummy’s bottom’ on her iPad and it has been mentioned by her on more than one occasion, she also talks about willies a lot, at first I thought as she’s only 4 maybe it was just a funny topic but she seems to focus on talking about willies, bums and boobies a lot more than I would say is ‘normal’ for a small child. One day I looked at the photos app on her iPad and all of her mums pictures are synced to the iPad (I’m not judging taking or receiving images of a sexual nature at all if you are a consenting adult) but am I being unreasonable to have then told my partner to speak with his ex about removing her photos from their child’s tablet (two weeks ago) she said she would do so and then this weekend when we had his daughter over I checked to see if they had been removed and they haven’t I’ve told him once again to inform his ex that if they are not removed their daughter can no longer bring that iPad into my home as it feels very disrespectful and also damaging to expose a young child to images like that even if they are of her mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
Locationlocation55 · 18/04/2021 22:48

@MiddleClassProblem

Is it his daughter or from a previous relationship?
Previous relationship. Her dad has her alternate weekends so she’s never here when SD is because his weekends fall opposite to my daughters.
OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 18/04/2021 23:11

Is there genuinely nowhere you and your Dd could go? Would even your ex help?

You need to plan. Going sooner rather than later doesn’t mean no plan at all. You need to do it for your daughter. She should not be living with this man and in this environment. It does sound like you are avoiding making an exit plan given that it’s been most of your relationship. I know it’s not easy to just leave but you need to not put your head in the sand.

velvetpeach · 18/04/2021 23:23

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Hangingover · 18/04/2021 23:27

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Embracelife · 18/04/2021 23:34

Go to settings
Set photos to not synch
Delete the photos

Tell her school

And leave if he is abusing you

Original poster
Locationlocation55 · 18/04/2021 23:39

@velvetpeach

If the abuse towards you started within three to four months of dating him, then why the hell did you move you and your daughter in with him?!! Your judgment is worryingly poor here....
Thank you for that. You do not know the entire situation you’re making assumptions I didn’t move myself in with anyone I was manipulated into letting him move into MY house within a couple of months I was recently single with my daughter living alone as very vulnerable and surprisingly he didn’t show his true colours at the start and just as shockingly it didn’t start off with some huge example of abuse it started slowly like a rot.
OP posts:
Original poster
Locationlocation55 · 18/04/2021 23:48

@MiddleClassProblem

Is there genuinely nowhere you and your Dd could go? Would even your ex help?

You need to plan. Going sooner rather than later doesn’t mean no plan at all. You need to do it for your daughter. She should not be living with this man and in this environment. It does sound like you are avoiding making an exit plan given that it’s been most of your relationship. I know it’s not easy to just leave but you need to not put your head in the sand.

No her dad lives with his fiancé in their home no one else has room for us and the strangest part about being in a relationship like this is the guilt and shame of it so I haven’t told my family the full extent of it and yet here I am being told I’ve poor judgement and burying my head in the sand is it any wonder women wait so long to seek help 🤣 i don’t feel like this is entirely helpful to my own mental health so I’ll leave it at that I will speak to womensaid and ask them for authorities advice how I can approach it in a safe way for myself and my daughter to ensure that sd’s safety is also paramount. I can’t read anymore about how awful I am in this situation I hear it enough irl. Thanks though to the many that have been helpful and understanding of the eggshell situation.
OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 19/04/2021 00:23

I do believe you have your head in the sand because the drip feed is getting bigger and bigger. You should talk to your family or anyone you trust. It doesn’t seem like you have weighed up many options rather than accepting you are trapped. Take this thread as a match to light your fire. Speak to women’s aid. There will be a way out of this for you and your daughter but the first biggest step will always be being honest with yourself. Your op was so far from what is here now and it shows how you are irl. Head up and start to plan.

YellowTwinklyStar · 19/04/2021 07:09

Is it possible your ex could take your daughter for longer? To keep her away from the situation?

I hope your escape goes well. Good luck l.

Deathgrip · 19/04/2021 08:12

OP, have you spoken to Womens Aid about a shelter? I know it’s not where anyone wants to go but you and your daughter are not safe where you are.

I am concerned for your daughter given this man’s attitude towards sexual imagery and his own child. As someone who was abused by my own father, this is ringing all kinds of alarm bells - he was also generally abusive to my mum and subsequent partners, and this sounds like grooming behaviour to me rather than an accident. It’s hard to even think that this might be deliberate but anyone with a healthy attitude towards sex and children would be appalled at what their child is being exposed to. The fact that he hasn’t kicked off about it and taken action is very concerning.

You say you haven’t told your family - you really need to do that. I know it’s hard (been there) but you and your daughter would be better off on a relative’s floor / sofa than where you are.

What if she mentions it at school today or someone else reports it? He will think you’ve reported it, which will put you at risk, and social services will see three adults who haven’t done anything to protect this child or your own child from abuse. It’s very harsh because I know you have tried, but they won’t see that.

You say he’s moved into your house - have you managed to get any advice on getting him out?

You said there was a previous DV investigation - have you continued reporting incidents to the police? Have you discussed any legal actions you can take to keep him away from you / stop him contacting you?

I know you want to try to get everything straight so you can make it stick this time but I think this incident is too serious and is forcing your hand - you do not want to be seen as complicit in this.

ConfusedAdultFemale · 19/04/2021 08:14

4 year exposed to pornography, neither parent thinks it’s an issue the child needs protecting from. I do despair.

B33Fr33 · 19/04/2021 10:34

You need to act. You need to do it. Get the house sold if necessary.

Aprilshowersandhail · 19/04/2021 10:39

I hope your dd is safe. Since you are so feckless about his dc.
Are you safeguarding your own dc?
When ss find out about your sick bf they will be speaking to your dd.. Hopefully she has nothing to tell. You are failing both dc op. Harsh but true. If it comes to it yes you grab a bag and your dd and leave. Block his number and he can't talk you back..

RickiTarr · 19/04/2021 11:18

And as for ‘speeding up’ my plan for leaving safely how do you suggest I do that? Run away at night with my child leaving my own home with nowhere else to go, to then be harassed and threatened and scared into coming back...

I know it’s not easy, but a man who is under reacting to his DD having explicit images sounds like a dangerous man & TBF you had given us all the impression that it was just you, with no DC of your own.

I know having a child to take with you complicates this, but it’s also yet another reason for urgency. Don’t be lulled back into accepting any of this as normal in your own head.

If you’re posting in this fragmented way for privacy, it’s probably doing more harm than good. Nobody can helpfully advise on one fragment of the story at a time. Meanwhile it is coming across as drip feeding.

You’d probably do best to start ONE new thread covering everything, so that you can get proper advice on the whole situation.

Nonmaquillee · 19/04/2021 11:21

This isn't about respect - it's about a child being exposed to sexual images which is counted as child ABUSE.

I'd call social services and the police, if your partner has done nothing about this.

Oh - and remove the ipad.

CombatBarbie · 19/04/2021 13:02

Well it is child abuse by exposing a child to naked pics. Quite frankly I wouldn't hesitate in reporting it.

funnylittlefloozie · 19/04/2021 18:31

You're not married to him, and its your house? Is there no way you can throw the dirty nonce out?

MinnieJackson · 20/04/2021 01:45

Please listen to PP,'s. You can do it. Your kids nursery, the school, gp, health visitor. Just ring one of them and ask if they can come and they will! They understand, it won't be a huge seige, they'll just say taking you and baby for a cup of tea' x

MinnieJackson · 20/04/2021 01:47

@funnylittlefloozie OPSad said he's violent

Butwasitherdriveway · 20/04/2021 18:35

[quote MinnieJackson]@funnylittlefloozie OPSad said he's violent[/quote]
I'm not saying he isn't violent but OP is making a great deal of excuses as to why she can't leave.

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