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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Partners ex photo stream AIBU?

145 replies

Locationlocation55 · 18/04/2021 18:02

My partner and I have been together for almost three years, his ex (who they have one child with) has never liked me it started off with name calling and bullying etc, we do not talk at all after I sent her a message regarding rumours she was spreading and since then she has been blocked.
Their daughter stays with us every other weekend bringing along her things and an iPad that my partner bought her for Christmas last year - a few months back his daughter mentioned that she had ‘pictures of mummy’s bottom’ on her iPad and it has been mentioned by her on more than one occasion, she also talks about willies a lot, at first I thought as she’s only 4 maybe it was just a funny topic but she seems to focus on talking about willies, bums and boobies a lot more than I would say is ‘normal’ for a small child. One day I looked at the photos app on her iPad and all of her mums pictures are synced to the iPad (I’m not judging taking or receiving images of a sexual nature at all if you are a consenting adult) but am I being unreasonable to have then told my partner to speak with his ex about removing her photos from their child’s tablet (two weeks ago) she said she would do so and then this weekend when we had his daughter over I checked to see if they had been removed and they haven’t I’ve told him once again to inform his ex that if they are not removed their daughter can no longer bring that iPad into my home as it feels very disrespectful and also damaging to expose a young child to images like that even if they are of her mum.

OP posts:
year5teacher · 18/04/2021 19:56

@funnylittlefloozie

If anyone ever wonders about the awful news stories of child abuse, and says, why didn't someone do/say something, its because all the adults behaved like this, and didn't want to rock the boat, and because their sex lives were more important than a child's welfare.

All three adults in this situation are behaving disgracefully. OP, stop TELLING your creepy nonce of a boyfriend that you're going to ring SS, and just do it.

This!!!!
MarcelinesMa · 18/04/2021 19:57

Is this for real?! The only person who is bothered about this quite serious issue is you and that is only because you see it as “disrespectful” to have these images in your home and not an actual safeguarding concern? Her parents aren’t bothered at all that their daughter has access to photos of strange man’s/men’s penises and god knows what else?

Original poster
Locationlocation55 · 18/04/2021 19:57

@LolaSmiles

I thought something very similar nimbuscloud
No not the case at all who would actually make this up? this is actually happening in my life if you’d like real life live updates since bringing it up again this evening I had a box thrown my way... from the back door because ‘I’m having a go at him about it and it’s her I should be telling to remove them’
OP posts:
Moelwynbach · 18/04/2021 19:59

Its called sexual abuse. It needs sorting by reporting to SS.

deliciouschilli · 18/04/2021 19:59

"Wantingtostop" The OP can help herself, a 4yr old cannot.
The OP is aware of the potential abuse of a child and has not reported it. If she removes the photos and does not report the images to the police then she will be complicit.
If she thinks she will be in danger for doing this then that is a massive reason to go directly to the police who have the resources to help her and the child.

year5teacher · 18/04/2021 20:01

I can’t believe in your OP you said “because it’s disrespectful to me to have it in my house”.

Sort it the fuck out.

wantingtostop · 18/04/2021 20:02

@deliciouschilli

"Wantingtostop" The OP can help herself, a 4yr old cannot. The OP is aware of the potential abuse of a child and has not reported it. If she removes the photos and does not report the images to the police then she will be complicit. If she thinks she will be in danger for doing this then that is a massive reason to go directly to the police who have the resources to help her and the child.
Yes I agree it should 100% be reported to the police but maybe the op needs to be in a safe place soon. Like you say hopefully the op can contact the police and they will protect them both, that would be the ideal situation
funnylittlefloozie · 18/04/2021 20:07

So has the domestic abuse only started since you saw the photos? Sorry, OP, but you need to act sharpish. If your boyfriend is being violent towards you, call the damn police and have him removed. Report the images, and the attitudes of both parents at the same time.

Queenie8 · 18/04/2021 20:07

@Locationlocation55

You are an adult, you MUST protect the child.

Both parents will be investigated. If you do nothing and someone else reports, and that ipad has logged into your ip address you will be held accountable.

You MUST report it.

You will be able to discuss the whole situation with the police, who will in turn signpost YOU to agencies for support and help leaving your abusive partner.

FelicityBob · 18/04/2021 20:12

I don’t believe this is true because the simple and obvious thing would have been to take the iPad away

DuchessOfBuggerAll · 18/04/2021 20:29

Surely the simple and obvious thing to do would be to take the child and the iPad straight to the Police and get the noncey husband arrested PDQ. If OP is scared for her safety I'm quite sure that the Police can help with that.

Original poster
Locationlocation55 · 18/04/2021 20:30

@funnylittlefloozie

So has the domestic abuse only started since you saw the photos? Sorry, OP, but you need to act sharpish. If your boyfriend is being violent towards you, call the damn police and have him removed. Report the images, and the attitudes of both parents at the same time.
No it’s been from within the first 3/4 months of our relationship starting I wrote a thread a long time ago about it all but felt like I’d gone into too much detail in regards to him and at the time there was a police investigation going on so I asked mn to remove it I got scared that people may recognise him through what I’d written as it was quite well know investigation at the time. So no it’s been for the most part of the relationship and until this id never experienced domestic abuse and I would shout ‘JUST LEAVE’ at everyone who ever did suffer from it and now here I am nearly three years in, about 5 proper attempts at leaving, 3 or 4 long conversations with womensaid and another better thought out plan to get out and stay out.
OP posts:
YellowTwinklyStar · 18/04/2021 20:33

If you are comfortable taking to women's aid you could tell them about the ipad?

RickiTarr · 18/04/2021 20:34

No it’s been from within the first 3/4 months of our relationship starting I wrote a thread a long time ago about it all but felt like I’d gone into too much detail in regards to him and at the time there was a police investigation going on so I asked mn to remove it I got scared that people may recognise him through what I’d written as it was quite well know investigation at the time. So no it’s been for the most part of the relationship and until this id never experienced domestic abuse and I would shout ‘JUST LEAVE’ at everyone who ever did suffer from it and now here I am nearly three years in, about 5 proper attempts at leaving, 3 or 4 long conversations with womensaid and another better thought out plan to get out and stay out.

Yet after all that your overriding concern was that it was “disrespectful” for the explicit images (on a child’s tablet) to be brought into your house?

Is the stress getting to you or what?

When are you planning to leave? You need to speed it up and you need to make official reports to NSPCC, SS and/or police.

Original poster
Locationlocation55 · 18/04/2021 20:34

@YellowTwinklyStar

If you are comfortable taking to women's aid you could tell them about the ipad?
Will they be able to help and it not come back on me? I can try calling them tomorrow when he’s not here.
OP posts:
RickiTarr · 18/04/2021 20:35

Just concentrate on getting out quickly so you can report it and be safe from the fall out.

CantBeAssed · 18/04/2021 20:36

Reading your update op, you really need to get out of this situation and do whats best for yourself and your dsd...this is not a normal reaction by "dad" to inappropriate photos on his dd ipad. You have 2 options,turn a blind eye and put yourself in a very dangerous situation if authorities are alerted via an outside party or do the right thing and report it yourself...

Gazelda · 18/04/2021 21:14

Please, please, please tell Women's Aid what's going on. Tell them about the box throwing too.

You really need to get out urgently, and the pics need reporting urgently.

The longer you take to leave, the more abuse you and the child will suffer.

Original poster
Locationlocation55 · 18/04/2021 21:57

@RickiTarr

No it’s been from within the first 3/4 months of our relationship starting I wrote a thread a long time ago about it all but felt like I’d gone into too much detail in regards to him and at the time there was a police investigation going on so I asked mn to remove it I got scared that people may recognise him through what I’d written as it was quite well know investigation at the time. So no it’s been for the most part of the relationship and until this id never experienced domestic abuse and I would shout ‘JUST LEAVE’ at everyone who ever did suffer from it and now here I am nearly three years in, about 5 proper attempts at leaving, 3 or 4 long conversations with womensaid and another better thought out plan to get out and stay out.

Yet after all that your overriding concern was that it was “disrespectful” for the explicit images (on a child’s tablet) to be brought into your house?

Is the stress getting to you or what?

When are you planning to leave? You need to speed it up and you need to make official reports to NSPCC, SS and/or police.

No it’s not my main concern at all ‘disrespect’ I apologise for it coming across that way the only way I can remotely explain (not an excuse but an explanation) it is that for nearly three years I’m fully conditioned to speak about issues I have in the most placid way I can, and quite honestly this is how I’ve been mentioning it to him I know I sound like a wet blanket but I cannot mention authorities or that they should be alerted because he would lose it at me like I’m the bad guy, that’s putting myself and my own daughter in the firing line so my way in this world I live in, the safest way for me to ensure those images are removed but that I don’t put myself or my daughter in danger is to word it to him about that it is disrespectful and damaging to her, because tonight for example the second I mentioned SS I was told I’d be ‘ a snitchy Cunt’ had a box thrown at me and then threats made against me.

As much as I have tried to respond and answer things I’m not talking about when I plan on leaving or how or any of that, I don’t owe anyone that information. I am trying.

I recorded our entire conversation about it this evening and will speak to womensaid for more help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Locationlocation55 · 18/04/2021 22:05

@RickiTarr

No it’s been from within the first 3/4 months of our relationship starting I wrote a thread a long time ago about it all but felt like I’d gone into too much detail in regards to him and at the time there was a police investigation going on so I asked mn to remove it I got scared that people may recognise him through what I’d written as it was quite well know investigation at the time. So no it’s been for the most part of the relationship and until this id never experienced domestic abuse and I would shout ‘JUST LEAVE’ at everyone who ever did suffer from it and now here I am nearly three years in, about 5 proper attempts at leaving, 3 or 4 long conversations with womensaid and another better thought out plan to get out and stay out.

Yet after all that your overriding concern was that it was “disrespectful” for the explicit images (on a child’s tablet) to be brought into your house?

Is the stress getting to you or what?

When are you planning to leave? You need to speed it up and you need to make official reports to NSPCC, SS and/or police.

And as for ‘speeding up’ my plan for leaving safely how do you suggest I do that? Run away at night with my child leaving my own home with nowhere else to go, to then be harassed and threatened and scared into coming back... the fast sprints away have never failed to pull me back in because I wasn’t prepared it wasn’t planned I had no clear escape and I was floundering and I kept going back to the hell I knew as opposed to the unknown it scared me less to be in the eye of the storm. Unless you’ve experienced it don’t tell me to ‘speed up’ and get out that’s the most dangerous part of the process so forgive me if I’m not rushing into an abyss without proper planning this time.
OP posts:
MNHQ
HebeMumsnet · 18/04/2021 22:10

Evening, OP. Just in case it's of any help there are a few phone numbers and contact details on our Relationships Webguide. We hope you manage to get some real life support.

MiddleClassProblem · 18/04/2021 22:19

Wait, now you’re saying you have a child too?

Butwasitherdriveway · 18/04/2021 22:19

Yeh good idea. Stop the iPad being brought in and say no more about it. Confused

Original poster
Locationlocation55 · 18/04/2021 22:39

@MiddleClassProblem

Wait, now you’re saying you have a child too?
Yes I didn’t feel the need to mention her in the original post but when explaining my situation she is party to that.
OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 18/04/2021 22:45

Is it his daughter or from a previous relationship?