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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel weirded out about this man among other things

106 replies

Suzie3180 · 16/04/2021 05:31

Having another sleepless night as my LO is poorly. Lots of weird thoughts going around in my head about different things. I’m hoping someone else is awake to help me process!

Firstly I’ve written about this weird colleague a few time now but I’ve name changed as don’t want to be identifiable in RL.

I get a really bad vibe from this guy I work with. At first you would think he’s lovely and so friendly but over time he’s getting really clingy/quite annoying/Stalker-y. He is well aware I am happily married with 3 kids so definitely nothing in that way but I still get a bad vibe and don’t know if I’m overreacting.

It’s holidays so decided to ignore his message last week asking me how my time off is going. But then he writes another one today again asking. I’ve had words with him in past not to keep texting me as over lockdown he gave me so much anxiety and I couldn’t deal with it. At that particular time I explained he is stressing me out and I have my kids to deal with and his reaction was well he needs someone to talk to and what about his feelings! I’m not responsible for him in anyway and without making it obvious what the job is - we do not need to communicate at all for our jobs it’s completely for social reasons he contacts me. He got my number from the work WhatsApp that was running for a few weeks in the beginning but then got shut down as we all found it very annoying. In the beginning I was helpful to him about his anxieties and just felt sorry for him but he has pissed me off so much and I decided to start ignoring him.

I get a weird vibe also the way he talks to my child when in the past I have brought one of my kids into work on my day off as I needed to drop off /pick something/attend a quick meeting (before anyone picks up on this - I was doing work a favour by coming in on my day off so they were well aware I would have my child with me as no childcare on my day off).

I don’t in all honesty think it’s entirely him I’m angry about but more what he represents; someone who had complete lack of respect for my boundaries and time. He represents all the selfish people I’ve dealt with in my life! Ive been a doormat for a good part of my life but now being so busy I am getting selective who I let into my life. I’m working on boundaries and having more respect for my time and sanity.

I know it doesn’t sound like much getting a text every week sometimes 2/3 times a week but it’s annoying as it gets me thinking about work! Then i also feel I have to mother him with his issues.

For my own peace of mind do you think I am overreacting? How would you deal with this if it was you? I struggle with people like this.

OP posts:

CooperLooper · 16/04/2021 05:36

Can't you just block him, or at least mute his WhatsApp chat so you don't have to read it? Out in sight out of mind and all that.

icelollycraving · 16/04/2021 05:40

Just block him.

sofato5miles · 16/04/2021 05:41

What's your husband say? If this was happening to my spouse i wpuld be hacked off and insist something was done about it. And in your case you are not handling it well, it is making you very unsettled and you need support to tell him to leave you alone. What a prick

itsalifetimesworkfella · 16/04/2021 05:42

Keep screenshots of the texts, especially if you've asked him to stop, and complain to HE formally.

This is not someone who takes no for an answer. He's a creep you shouldn't have to accommodate

itsalifetimesworkfella · 16/04/2021 05:43

@sofato5miles

No. Don't involve an angry spouse to warn him off. Just be professional and log a complaint

grapewine · 16/04/2021 05:44

Block. You've told him to stop, and he made it all about him. Just absolutely not.

TheFourOhFour · 16/04/2021 05:47

I remember one of your other posts. Obviously he’s an entitled twit you should block and not give a second’s more headspace to, but I can’t help feeling it’s primarily your own past self — the self that ‘mothered’ him and allowed her boundaries to be trampled on — that you’re angry with.

Definitely block and ignore. He’s an adult. He deals with his own ‘anxieties’.

EarringsandLipstick · 16/04/2021 05:48

I can understand why you're unhappy about this but I don't get why you can't deal with it.

Firstly, you block him.

Secondly, you report it to HR.

You've already addressed it informally so escalating it is the normal thing to do. I'm puzzled at why you've such angst over this.

I suspect it comes back to this line:

He represents all the selfish people I’ve dealt with in my life!

Put that thought aside. Deal practically with this situation. You say you are working on your boundaries in other areas of your life, so that's good. You don't need to make this more than it is.

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 16/04/2021 05:51

You need to tell him once, clearly, "I don't want to hear from you outside of work, stop texting me." or words to that effect.

Don't give reasons, that gives him something to argue against. Don't make excuses e.g. tiredness, lack of time. Just say no without any caveats or loopholes he can use. Don't engage further, regardless of what reply you get.

After that, any contact could be deemed harassment.

DontBeRidiculous · 16/04/2021 05:52

Definitely ignore him. If he asks you about the messages when you're face to face, I'd say you rarely check messages, are too busy, etc. Keep everything very professional. Involve HE if he persists, but I'd give it some time first, personally. You don't owe him your time or friendship, and ignoring him as much as possible should eventually tell him that you won't give in to his demands on you.

Original poster

Suzie3180 · 16/04/2021 05:52

Thanks everyone. I have tried to ignore it but the fact he just contacts me out of work hours pisses me off. My personality is that I can’t handle stress very well so just getting a message from him even if I don’t read it still makes me annoyed.

Sometimes i feel it’s easier just quickly respond with one sentence as he will then seek me out asking if got his text when I get into work that morning! He’s so bloody annoying.

Another colleague started talking about him a few weeks ago but then stopped herself. I didn’t ask her anything and just left it at that. I wish I had responded with “ you are right. T Is very annoying. What’s he done to annoy you?”. Work is kind of gossipy and we don’t really chat socially so I’m unsure if I should ask her when I’m back and maybe have someone who understands the situation too to get advice on? Sounds like he is annoying others too.

I go though this situation feeling angry abs next minute feeling sorry for him. He seems really immature and quite like a “man-child”. I feel sorry for him but then angry. I wish I was a little nastier!

OP posts:

MyOtherProfile · 16/04/2021 05:54

Just don't reply. Don't even acknowledge receipt and if he asks you tell him you don't read work texts in out of office hours. If he says it wasn't a work text look surprised and say that's odd.

LionLily · 16/04/2021 05:58

Just block him. You purchased your phone for your own convenience, not for every Tom Dick and Harry's convenience. The phone was not purchased in order to make you cringe every time it beeps.
Just block him, and if you don't feel up to telling him that you've blocked him if he asks, then just say you were hacked and lost a lot of contacts when you had to do a big reset and you'll get round to sorting it out one day, eye roll, walk away.

Skyla2005 · 16/04/2021 06:06

Just block him simple as that. Don't even think about it anymore you don't need to. Just do it now and forget about it !!

glitterfarts · 16/04/2021 06:09

"his reaction was well he needs someone to talk to and what about his feelings!"

You are not his human support person. Answer him: as previously requested twice, please do not contact me again.

If he does, its harrassment and you can go to both HR and the police.

Porcupineintherough · 16/04/2021 06:12

He may be immature, he may have poorly developed social skills, but that's even more reason to be very clear with your boundaries. You've told him not to text "so much" but that's a bit ambiguous (how much is too much?). You tried to help him with his anxiety but now you dont want to any more - if he hasn't got the greatest social skills then (and tbh he sounds like he hasn't) he may not be picking up you've had enough.

So try being very clear. Block him and if he asks why tell him that you dont check work texts out of work hours (or that you are not using your phone if you dont need to communicate with him in work time either). Avoid him. Dont initiate contact with him. If he asks what's going on just say you need to focus on your work/no time for frienship/providing support.

SympathyFatigue · 16/04/2021 06:20

Just block and delete
Why are you making this worse for yourself?
You've already told him you're not his therapist, he's weird, you don't care about his shit.

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 16/04/2021 06:21

Read 'The Gift of Fear'. Here's an online pdf. Just the opening 20 pages should be enough

www.docdroid.net/file/download/yrC8MoB/the-gift-of-fear-pdf.pdf

Do NOT ignore your instincts.
BLOCK HIM or reply once TELLING him to not contact you outside work again. Then BLOCK.
TELL your partner.
Inform HR.

Seriously. He does not have a right to your time and space and emotional energy.
Read the pdf. Even just the intro.

Original poster

Suzie3180 · 16/04/2021 06:28

@Alonelonelylonersbadidea thanks for the PDF I will definitely give it a read x

OP posts:

DuchessOfBuggerAll · 16/04/2021 06:39

So many people have advised you to block him and you haven't addressed this suggestion at all. Is there a reason for that?

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 16/04/2021 06:42

My first thought was block him. Seems like you enjoy the drama because most sensible people would have blocked him ages ago.

Hamster1111 · 16/04/2021 06:45

I agree, you should block him. Does he know where you live?

About the weird feeling you get, you should listen to it. My sister in law had a partner a few years ago and he gave me the creeps, even though he tried to he charming. I couldn't stand it when he talked to / went near my children. It turned out he had a very murky past and ended up treating her appallingly too. He was never allowed to he alone with the children, luckily. But that feeling... it was strong... and correct. Don't ignore it

Original poster

Suzie3180 · 16/04/2021 06:54

I thought I already addressed it - when I have ignored his texts he comes to find me so what reaction will I get on blocking? I don’t enjoy drama. Please don’t turn this post into one of those posts where the OP gets attacked!

@Alonelonelylonersbadidea just read the first 5 pages I actually got goosebumps! Yes trust your guts is important thing everyone needs to learn. I’m not going to block him but I will not respond to any more texts and I Will be talking to work on Monday. The WhatsApp group was deleted due to him I believe as he was posting on it constantly.

OP posts:

Original poster

Suzie3180 · 16/04/2021 06:57

@Hamster1111 thank you for validating my concerns. Hope your sister okay now.

The thing is as I have to see this person day in day out I don’t feel I can block him as that’s not professional. I will be ignoring him from now on and not impacting my head. The thing is he does give me the creeps and yes he was so charming in the beginning but it doesn’t feel right. If it was someone I saw infrequently I would have no issues blocking.

OP posts:

Original poster

Suzie3180 · 16/04/2021 07:00

Thank you most of you, I definitely got what I needed. My concerns are valid and I have no reason to feel guilty about ignoring him. I definitely see him as a representation of all the people who I have been too nice to in past and not assertive enough to. I have a few phrases ready now to say to him if questioned on my lack of response. thank you!

OP posts:

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