To feel weirded out about this man among other things

[Suzie3180]

Having another sleepless night as my LO is poorly. Lots of weird thoughts going around in my head about different things. I’m hoping someone else is awake to help me process!

Firstly I’ve written about this weird colleague a few time now but I’ve name changed as don’t want to be identifiable in RL.

I get a really bad vibe from this guy I work with. At first you would think he’s lovely and so friendly but over time he’s getting really clingy/quite annoying/Stalker-y. He is well aware I am happily married with 3 kids so definitely nothing in that way but I still get a bad vibe and don’t know if I’m overreacting.

It’s holidays so decided to ignore his message last week asking me how my time off is going. But then he writes another one today again asking. I’ve had words with him in past not to keep texting me as over lockdown he gave me so much anxiety and I couldn’t deal with it. At that particular time I explained he is stressing me out and I have my kids to deal with and his reaction was well he needs someone to talk to and what about his feelings! I’m not responsible for him in anyway and without making it obvious what the job is - we do not need to communicate at all for our jobs it’s completely for social reasons he contacts me. He got my number from the work WhatsApp that was running for a few weeks in the beginning but then got shut down as we all found it very annoying. In the beginning I was helpful to him about his anxieties and just felt sorry for him but he has pissed me off so much and I decided to start ignoring him.

I get a weird vibe also the way he talks to my child when in the past I have brought one of my kids into work on my day off as I needed to drop off /pick something/attend a quick meeting (before anyone picks up on this - I was doing work a favour by coming in on my day off so they were well aware I would have my child with me as no childcare on my day off).

I don’t in all honesty think it’s entirely him I’m angry about but more what he represents; someone who had complete lack of respect for my boundaries and time. He represents all the selfish people I’ve dealt with in my life! Ive been a doormat for a good part of my life but now being so busy I am getting selective who I let into my life. I’m working on boundaries and having more respect for my time and sanity.

I know it doesn’t sound like much getting a text every week sometimes 2/3 times a week but it’s annoying as it gets me thinking about work! Then i also feel I have to mother him with his issues.

For my own peace of mind do you think I am overreacting? How would you deal with this if it was you? I struggle with people like this.

@sofato5miles

What's your husband say? If this was happening to my spouse i wpuld be hacked off and insist something was done about it. And in your case you are not handling it well, it is making you very unsettled and you need support to tell him to leave you alone. What a prick

Who cares? OP is a grown woman who doesn't need to go running to her husband to 'sort him out' 🤨🤨 speak to HR and block his number.

Of course you can block him. I would message saying 'FYI I'm having a phone sort out, this is my personal phone and I'm removing colleagues from it. For work purposes you can contact me on email during work time.'

Then block.

He doesn't care about you and what makes you feel awkward or anxious. You do not need to care about him!

I'm with the pp, block him, then when he mentions it at work say "I have previously asked you not to message me outside of work" the end, don't explain, walk away.
If he continues to confront you tell him your going to speak to HR. Don't get into a discussion with him.
I would speak to the other lady too, if she's had the same issue she could be your allie.
It's hard because people that overstep the boundaries rely on your niceness, you need to bite the bullet and block. 💐

OP: how can it stop him?
Mumsnet: Block him
OP: no
You absolutely CAN block him. I recently blocked a female colleague. She was all over me like a rash when she needed help but we ended up having quite nice chats. She just stopped responding one day, rather than her messaging when she needed something again I just blocked her. Took back control.

If you don't feel ready to block him, how about uninstalling WhatsApp for a while?

No don’t want to uninstall WhatsApp as my family and friends use it to communicate.

I think the outcome WILL be to block him failrly soon. But remember I’m only just becoming assertive and confident from what I was to what I am now I’ve done really well. People will not understand this unless you’ve been a people pleaser all your life. Yes definitely outcome will be to block if it doesn’t improve in next 2 weeks or so

I don't know what advice you can be given if you won't block him. You are dependent on him stopping if you won't take proactive steps yourself.

It's not going to improve in the next two weeks or so. Why would it? You have to make your own decisions in life that are the best thing for you. Not the best thing for some work colleague.

It's absolutely not unprofessional to avoid communication with people from work outside of work.

I feel I’m at an important point in my life where I stop being a doormat and finally do what’s best for me. I’ve put up with so many boundary issues from people over the years I’ve finally had enough!

I’m hoping to come back to this post in a couple of weeks to update what I’ve done and the outcome. Hope that’s okay. Thank you so much everyone I’m gonna log off now but I will come back in a couple of weeks. Hopefully this will benefit someone in future reading this and to know the outcome.

Again I know people finding it hard to understand why I don’t just block and be done. I’ve been a doormat for a very long time and people pleasing tendencies take time to change

I would mention it to someone more senior at work and block his number !
He’s probably the sort who may confront u as to why u have blocked him , just be honest and say u don’t want to be texted u are too busy with your own life xx

I get the need to people please. If he is messaging on WhatsApp then perhaps the first step is to mute his conversation rather than go for the full block (until you feel up to doing that).

OP I completely understand why you don’t want to block him. It doesn’t solve the problem and it may make him angrier.

I blocked a stalker once. He turned up a week later at my house with a “sorry for your bereavement” card!

Also I would approach the woman at work. If he’s doing this to others you will be able to find strength in numbers.

Why does he even have your number in the first place?
If you can't block him on WhatsApp then mute him instead (although I don't understand why you can't block him anyway). If he challenges you tell him you have a new phone number and you haven't added any work people to your contacts.

OP there's been advice to contact HR - are you intending to do this? Tell them how this is making you feel, they are trained to help you.

There is no baby steps approach with someone like this you have to be firm and consistent from the off avoid any action or reaction which is ambiguous.

I think if you aren't willing to block/contact HE this matter will not improve.

^ HR

@RampantIvy OP explained that in her first post. He got it from a work WhatsApp group.

OP I am guessing this is a private phone, not a work phone, since you mention contact with family on it. So not at all unprofessional to decide not to accept contact from a colleague on it. And he isn't exactly being professional!

You’re afraid of his reaction if you block him, so block him and report him at work, and then if he says anything to you tell him you have reported him , and if he persists take out a paper and pen and write down what he says. He’ll get the message and pick on someone else.

To me it’s simple. Talk to HR (have I missed something so it no HR department at OP’s work?) and then block him.

You don’t need to apologise to him or prepare him for that. Just do it. Especially if just receiving a message from him makes you stressed.

Tricky situation, OP.

Obviously you'd like this to resolve itself in a low-confrontation way and have a peaceful life, but you're also having some very big emotions about it. Each email/text is not a big deal on its own but the whole thing gets so weaponised that the sight of the person's name in your inbox can be like a galvanic shock.

I think you need to consider a range of outcomes. Best = you somehow get the message across in a way that he accepts Worst = this is someone who needs to get fired. So maybe take a 'hope for the best prepare for the worst' approach.

I actually don't think you should block until you have a full paper trail if you need it for HR. A series of messages like 'X, when I joined the whatsapp group I didn't intend for my personal number to be used by work colleagues. Please delete this number and use my work number if you need to reach me.' And similar on all the other boundaries like after hours/holiday.

I'd be super interested to hear what your other colleague has to say, but maybe play this carefully and be discreet for now. Perhaps give it a month to a) be very clear with him and b) gather evidence if you need it and then reassess.

[quote MyOtherProfile]@RampantIvy OP explained that in her first post. He got it from a work WhatsApp group.

OP I am guessing this is a private phone, not a work phone, since you mention contact with family on it. So not at all unprofessional to decide not to accept contact from a colleague on it. And he isn't exactly being professional![/quote]
Oops. I missed that. We aren't expected to use our personal phones for work. IMO any workplace that does is unreasonable. We use Teams at work.

I do sympathise with you in that you say you are a "people pleaser" , but seriously one text to him saying "this is my personal number please do not use this any longer" and block. It really is that easy and not offensive n any way. I honestly think you are making life way harder for yourself than it needs to be.

I thought I already addressed it - when I have ignored his texts he comes to find me so what reaction will I get on blocking? I don’t enjoy drama.

But whatever you do is going to cause a degree of drama, so you might as well get on with it. I'd suggest you text him once saying you don't want to receive communications from work colleagues in your free time and ask him to stop. If he says again that he needs someone to talk to, say sorry, you are not that person and if he doesn't agree to stop you will have to block him and take this to HR. And be prepared to put this into action if necessary. If he then comes to find you at work, tell him it's not up for further discussion and it will definitely be going to HR if he doesn't leave you in peace.

Trust your gut.

Block him and contact HR if he keeps pestering you at work. Trust your instincts.

I went through a very similar situation a few years ago. He wouldnt leave me alone even though he knew I was married. Texting me, emailing me, whatsapping me. He kept my cv when I first applied for the job and took my contact details from that. Its weird, each message felt like a kick in the head. I think I just couldnt cope because there was so many of them. He would get stroppy with me if I told him to stop saying things like 'you dont care about me'. I felt like saying 'no I fucking dont' but I was a shell of myself towards the end. It all ended when he got really angry that I was talking to another colleague so I walked out and never went back.

Its hard to explain everything over a short message but it was so bad that I felt suicidal and often fantasised about hurting him too! I can look back now though and learn from my experience. I will never ever again let anyone treat me like that. I can sometimes come across as unsociable at my new work but I am protecting myself. The people I work with are my colleagues not my friends. I will be friendly and nice but they dont need my phone number and I wont meet anyone outside of work.

Is there anyway you can change jobs OP? I know it may seem like you are running away but sometimes it is easier to start afresh.