To feel weirded out about this man among other things

[Suzie3180]

Having another sleepless night as my LO is poorly. Lots of weird thoughts going around in my head about different things. I’m hoping someone else is awake to help me process!

Firstly I’ve written about this weird colleague a few time now but I’ve name changed as don’t want to be identifiable in RL.

I get a really bad vibe from this guy I work with. At first you would think he’s lovely and so friendly but over time he’s getting really clingy/quite annoying/Stalker-y. He is well aware I am happily married with 3 kids so definitely nothing in that way but I still get a bad vibe and don’t know if I’m overreacting.

It’s holidays so decided to ignore his message last week asking me how my time off is going. But then he writes another one today again asking. I’ve had words with him in past not to keep texting me as over lockdown he gave me so much anxiety and I couldn’t deal with it. At that particular time I explained he is stressing me out and I have my kids to deal with and his reaction was well he needs someone to talk to and what about his feelings! I’m not responsible for him in anyway and without making it obvious what the job is - we do not need to communicate at all for our jobs it’s completely for social reasons he contacts me. He got my number from the work WhatsApp that was running for a few weeks in the beginning but then got shut down as we all found it very annoying. In the beginning I was helpful to him about his anxieties and just felt sorry for him but he has pissed me off so much and I decided to start ignoring him.

I get a weird vibe also the way he talks to my child when in the past I have brought one of my kids into work on my day off as I needed to drop off /pick something/attend a quick meeting (before anyone picks up on this - I was doing work a favour by coming in on my day off so they were well aware I would have my child with me as no childcare on my day off).

I don’t in all honesty think it’s entirely him I’m angry about but more what he represents; someone who had complete lack of respect for my boundaries and time. He represents all the selfish people I’ve dealt with in my life! Ive been a doormat for a good part of my life but now being so busy I am getting selective who I let into my life. I’m working on boundaries and having more respect for my time and sanity.

I know it doesn’t sound like much getting a text every week sometimes 2/3 times a week but it’s annoying as it gets me thinking about work! Then i also feel I have to mother him with his issues.

For my own peace of mind do you think I am overreacting? How would you deal with this if it was you? I struggle with people like this.

@Newbie8365 bloody hell. What a nightmare for you. Reading your message I really hoped it was going to end with 'and then i went to HR and he is no longer with us'. Sad to think yours was the career path that had to get disrupted.

Sorry OP, I also echo others about being clear and transparent now as your ignoring hasn't worked. If you really don't want to block yet one text saying this is my personal phone and not to be used by colleagues (some good wording up thread). If he then responds block him.

If you can't do this go to HR, complain about boundaries. They may suggest you block him.

Good luck @Suzie3180

I guess it depends on the OP's company culture. I know at my place of work that kind of behaviour would cause serious alarm in the HR department. And if potentially other colleagues are having issues, and especially if it's limited to female colleagues, he'd be on thin ice indeed. Sometimes with these people there are other issues around performance etc, so management might actually be quite glad to have a reason to edge him out.

If you can’t bring yourself to block him and don’t want to report him to HR (and I do understand why you might feel like that) then you could use the ‘grey rock’ method and gradually distance yourself.

He’s inserted himself as closer to you than you want him to be, so you can put him further away. Treat him as if he’s a random stranger. If he texts, leave it a day or two then send a one word answer like Fine.

If/when he approaches you at work to ask why you didn’t text more or if all’s ok or whatever excuse he’ll use, smile politely as you would to a random stranger, again respond briefly eg “I’m fine, thanks. Busy as always” then look back at your work or walk away. A few instances like that and he should leave you alone. Polite disinterest.

If he refers to his personal problems which, I understand, you’ve supported him with before, then again be polite but immediately withdraw from the conversation - “Sorry to hear that, Bob” etc

The method above isn’t the ‘best’ method but I really do understand why you might be reluctant to follow the block/report method. However, if things escalate, you really will have to. Good luck.

I thought I already addressed it - when I have ignored his texts he comes to find me so what reaction will I get on blocking? I don’t enjoy drama. Please don’t turn this post into one of those posts where the OP gets attacked!

Still block him. Then you don't get the texts so that's one problem sorted.

If he asks, you tell him you've blocked him.

You also go to HR.

I'm not sure anyone is attacking you but I do think you are being a little over-dramatic. Take some action, honestly.

The thing is as I have to see this person day in day out I don’t feel I can block him as that’s not professional

Don't be silly. He has no need of your personal number. It's not unprofessional to stop him contacting you inappropriately.

Is there anyway you can change jobs OP? I know it may seem like you are running away but sometimes it is easier to start afresh.

Ridiculous advice. I know you had a difficult experience but there's no indication that OP is in the same situation.

She is getting unwanted texts & approaches in work. Blocking & approaching HR are practical, logical & straight-forward steps.

Message him, remind him it's your private phone and you don't want him messaging you on it, especially out of hours. If he persists then you need to block him and if that doesn't stop him harassing you then you need to go to HR in the first instance, police in the second

@workinggrrl it all turned out for the best. I now have a much better career, earning a lot more money and now know my boundaries. Although it was a really horrible time, I consider it a valuable learning curve. It forced me to change direction for the better

I think a lot of people who have advised the OP to block him haven't been in a position where they fear for their safety. I couldnt block the man doing this to me as he knew my address. When I left my work I spent years fearing he would turn up at my doorstep so I can completely understand why OP doesnt want to block. I am in the process of moving house at the moment and only then will I feel 100% safe.

What I am trying to say is that when you are put in a position like that its not as easy to deal with as it looks from the outside.

I go though this situation feeling angry abs next minute feeling sorry for him. He seems really immature and quite like a “man-child”. I feel sorry for him but then angry. I wish I was a little nastier!

OP, I don't say this to attack, but as a way of pointing out one of the steps in ceasing to be a people-pleaser. You, like many people-pleasers, are confusing normal, civil, professional behaviour which maintains appropriate boundaries with 'nastiness'. To block him would not be at all 'nasty'. To refuse to engage in conversation about why you have blocked him would not be at all 'nasty'. To request that he confines his conversation with you to solely work matters during YOUR working hours would not be at all 'nasty'.

And again, I say this with sympathy (as the daughter of a lifelong people pleaser who has damaged her own life and that of her children in childhood because of it, but now in her late 70s, seems unlikely to change), but you behaving as you are doing towards him pity combined with increasing anger because of your failure to erect boundaries and his failure to respect them when you then tried comes from weakness, not kindness. You're not blocking him because you want to be 'kind', you're not blocking him because you're afraid of the difficult conversation you feel will ensue, and because you're afraid of being disliked.

Again, I'm not attacking you for this, but I think it's important to point out to 'recovering' people pleasers that the doormat behaviour they're used to manifesting doesn't stem from 'kindness'. Kindness is freely chosen.

@Newbie8365

I think a lot of people who have advised the OP to block him haven't been in a position where they fear for their safety. I couldnt block the man doing this to me as he knew my address. When I left my work I spent years fearing he would turn up at my doorstep so I can completely understand why OP doesnt want to block. I am in the process of moving house at the moment and only then will I feel 100% safe.

What I am trying to say is that when you are put in a position like that its not as easy to deal with as it looks from the outside.

This is fair and yes I'm looking in so I don't know what this is like.

From experience with individuals like this though I think involving a third party like HR might give him a wake up call. So far he's built up and had (in his head) what he probably sees as an intimate exchange with OP. Just the two of them. Lockdown and working conditions have probably helped this.

He needs to see that what's he's doing is wrong and could impact him if he continues.

My worry is if OP chooses to let it dwindle out it probably won't and leaving jobs or moving may not be practical and would take time. In the meantime the situation continues and perhaps escalates.

OP I think as a minimum start screen shotting everything and kept any response of yours to a bare minimum.

Have you considered talking to colleagues to establish if this is a problem for others?

Whatever you do please keep yourself safe

Newbie sorry - meant to say your experience sounds very frightening. I hope you're doing ok now x

I used to have a colleague who was a bit clingy outside work. There were no smartphones then but somehow I always "knew "it was him by the timing of when he rang. Also he always rang and rang and rang. I often ignored the phone at the kinds of times. Eventually I just said "Yes I knew it was you and I dont take work related calls at home."

He eventually got the message.

Even if you do see him every day I would still block him. Tell him that the pandemic has come as a wake-up call to re-assess some of your relationships. As its a professional/business relationship and you see no need to communicate outside of work. If he asks why just tell him its a decision you have reached and remove yourself from his presence. Its a good idea to bring these kinds of conversations rapidly to a close. Either by going somewhere else in the office or getting on with your work. Learn the art of "dismissing by your attitude". A clipped and professional busy busy must get on tone is useful for getting rid without being overtly rude.

If you then have to escalate to rudeness its time to involve HR.

@MoiraNotRuby’s suggestion is great:

FYI I'm having a phone sort out, this is my personal phone and I'm removing colleagues from it. For work purposes you can contact me on email during work time.

I would definitely go for this. You could even write “dear colleague” at the beginning to make it seem as if you are sending it to all your colleagues. Totally neutral and inoffensive.

I am the poster that said what does your husband say? No where in my post did i say 'send him round to warn him off' or that 'a man's opnion is needed'. In fact i said if my husband had similar i would expect him to talk to me. You know like a partnership in real life. To share the load. This main is railroading you, you need to go to HR and get proper advice. I have seen on previous threads on stalkers that advice was to clearly state not to contact you.

You can block when on leave and unblock if that would give you a break. I’d suggest buying a cheapo pay as you go for work if you must be contactable or ask work to buy one for you. Then give colleagues the new number, change to that on WhatsApp workgroups and block all your colleagues on your personal phone. Switch the PAYG off when not working.

"The thing is as I have to see this person day in day out I don’t feel I can block him as that’s not professional."

He has been asked several times by you to stop contacting out of work. He is not acting professionally, himself.

Block him.
Inform HR why you've had to block him.

@ItsAllAboutTheParsley

You can block when on leave and unblock if that would give you a break. I’d suggest buying a cheapo pay as you go for work if you must be contactable or ask work to buy one for you. Then give colleagues the new number, change to that on WhatsApp workgroups and block all your colleagues on your personal phone. Switch the PAYG off when not working.

Great suggestion.

If you see him daily in work and have no need to have contact outside work then do as suggested and send a message saying
Dear all I’m cleaning up my personal phone contacts. If you need me contact me on work email/work phone.
Then block him.
So what if he complains - he doesn’t have the right to your personal contact info, just say I’m putting some boundaries up between my work and personal life and I don’t want colleagues contacting outside of work. If he pushes back on this i would go to hr.

@Alonelonelylonersbadidea

Read 'The Gift of Fear'. Here's an online pdf. Just the opening 20 pages should be enough

www.docdroid.net/file/download/yrC8MoB/the-gift-of-fear-pdf.pdf

Do NOT ignore your instincts.
BLOCK HIM or reply once TELLING him to not contact you outside work again. Then BLOCK.
TELL your partner.
Inform HR.

Seriously. He does not have a right to your time and space and emotional energy.
Read the pdf. Even just the intro.

It's such an important book.

I’m a people pleaser but I would still block. If he asks if I got his messages I’d say ‘oh no I blocked you as I told you to stop messaging me and you wouldn’t.’ If he asks what about his feelings shrug and say ‘what about them? I have my own stuff to deal with let alone some randomer I work with!’ Don’t be nice as you don’t have to be. You just have had be professional whilst you are paid to be.

You need to go to your manager and his. He’s used your personal number he’s obtained through work purposes and is harassing you out of work. Never mind you see him every day, you should not have to feel uncomfortable in your work place and especially outside of work. This is seriously an HR issue. Your not the one causing the issue, he is.

Presumably if he needs to contact you for work there are channels for that, such as email or internal phone numbers?

So there is no need for him to contact you on your personal phone, especially now you have informed him you don’t want him messaging you. Do not reply to any more messages. Screenshot then block. Report any further unwanted contact to HR.

At best he is socially clueless and entitled, at worst he is getting something out of overstepping your boundaries. You owe him not one more minute of your time.

Change your number.

Do not allow your work to add you to group chats / give out personal details.