To feel weirded out about this man among other things

[Suzie3180]

Having another sleepless night as my LO is poorly. Lots of weird thoughts going around in my head about different things. I’m hoping someone else is awake to help me process!

Firstly I’ve written about this weird colleague a few time now but I’ve name changed as don’t want to be identifiable in RL.

I get a really bad vibe from this guy I work with. At first you would think he’s lovely and so friendly but over time he’s getting really clingy/quite annoying/Stalker-y. He is well aware I am happily married with 3 kids so definitely nothing in that way but I still get a bad vibe and don’t know if I’m overreacting.

It’s holidays so decided to ignore his message last week asking me how my time off is going. But then he writes another one today again asking. I’ve had words with him in past not to keep texting me as over lockdown he gave me so much anxiety and I couldn’t deal with it. At that particular time I explained he is stressing me out and I have my kids to deal with and his reaction was well he needs someone to talk to and what about his feelings! I’m not responsible for him in anyway and without making it obvious what the job is - we do not need to communicate at all for our jobs it’s completely for social reasons he contacts me. He got my number from the work WhatsApp that was running for a few weeks in the beginning but then got shut down as we all found it very annoying. In the beginning I was helpful to him about his anxieties and just felt sorry for him but he has pissed me off so much and I decided to start ignoring him.

I get a weird vibe also the way he talks to my child when in the past I have brought one of my kids into work on my day off as I needed to drop off /pick something/attend a quick meeting (before anyone picks up on this - I was doing work a favour by coming in on my day off so they were well aware I would have my child with me as no childcare on my day off).

I don’t in all honesty think it’s entirely him I’m angry about but more what he represents; someone who had complete lack of respect for my boundaries and time. He represents all the selfish people I’ve dealt with in my life! Ive been a doormat for a good part of my life but now being so busy I am getting selective who I let into my life. I’m working on boundaries and having more respect for my time and sanity.

I know it doesn’t sound like much getting a text every week sometimes 2/3 times a week but it’s annoying as it gets me thinking about work! Then i also feel I have to mother him with his issues.

For my own peace of mind do you think I am overreacting? How would you deal with this if it was you? I struggle with people like this.

@Suzie3180 I agree with other posters, BLOCK him, and report him to HR.

@AliceMcK

You need to go to your manager and his. He’s used your personal number he’s obtained through work purposes and is harassing you out of work. Never mind you see him every day, you should not have to feel uncomfortable in your work place and especially outside of work. This is seriously an HR issue. Your not the one causing the issue, he is.

You've reminded me of how he obtained OPs number ... there must be something about that which breached data use/collection protocols?

You need to find a way to tell him you are colleagues and he is not respecting your boundaries. You are not his friend nor his therapist and he is behaving inappropriately and if he doesn't stop you will take it further.

You've reminded me of how he obtained OPs number ... there must be something about that which breached data use/collection protocols?

I agree. I would have thought that using people's personal phone numbers contravenes GDPR. They absolutely wouldn't allow anything like that where I work, but I realise that I am lucky and have the right kind of IT (Teams and softphone software on my desktop) for us to contact each other quickly and effectively without encroaching on anyone's privacy.

I think the company is as much at fault here as the colleague.

I would have thought that using people's personal phone numbers contravenes GDPR.

People really don't understand GDPR.

He originally got her number from a work what's app group, if I read correctly.

His behaviour is utterly unacceptable & OP needs to bring it to the attention of her workplace, but it's not a GDPR issue, and it's not their fault he's doing it. They don't even know about it, as OP keeps resisting telling them.

He originally got her number from a work what's app group, if I read correctly.

But why are the OP's emplyers using people's personal phone numbers for work? My company would never do this. They would either provide a work phone, or in our case we use Teams.

I had one of these. I don’t want to scare you but it ended up in low-level stalking and a serious HR case (for him, not me), all because I worried so much about not being “nice”. Set boundaries. Stick to them. And absolutely go to HR if they are broken.

Mine's the same as yours @RampantIvy - we all have work phones. But it seems lots of work places don't and so people use their own phones.

@Dizzy1234

I'm with the pp, block him, then when he mentions it at work say "I have previously asked you not to message me outside of work" the end, don't explain, walk away. If he continues to confront you tell him your going to speak to HR. Don't get into a discussion with him. I would speak to the other lady too, if she's had the same issue she could be your allie. It's hard because people that overstep the boundaries rely on your niceness, you need to bite the bullet and block. 💐

^^ So much this! People like him seek out people like you (too nice) and take advantage of your kindness. He is not respecting your boundary. You need to restate it to his face very calmly and clearly and preferably in the presence of someone else (is there anyone you could ask to do this?) "I have already asked you not to text me outside of work. Please don't do it again". And then tell HR about the situation. I hate to say it but it's important other people in your firm know about this because these sorts of characters sometimes up the ante when they meet a firm boundary, not always, but sometimes.

I haven't read your other threads op, but it sounds like my experience. I had a wierd guy from a hobby group start contacting me outside the group. I had been extra nice and welcoming to him precisely because he was very socially awkward. But it backfired spectacularly because he mistook me for being welcoming for something else, despite me talking about my DH and DC frequently, and my DH coming to pick me up from the group on several occasions. DH and I then started "bumping in" to him on Saturday mornings where we shopped after we had dropped our daughter off at ballet. The stupid thing is that because I was busy, I really didn't twig what was happening until he showered me with texts on Valentine's day and turned up at the group with red roses for me and I had to tell him it was inappropriate. As it turned out, he was harmless but it still freaked me out a bit. This man at your office sounds a bit more *knowing" though. Be careful.

But why are the OP's emplyers using people's personal phone numbers for work? My company would never do this. They would either provide a work phone, or in our case we use Teams.

We don't know if they are. This isn't the issue.

Yes, we have work phones, where needed & use Teams for communication too.

However I have all my team's mobile numbers & they have mine. Occasionally we've set up a what's app group for a purpose like communicating on the day where we are running an event.

There's a recognition that it's useful to have people's numbers but obviously that should be treated respectfully.

Many colleagues have their colleagues' work numbers. It doesn't mean the workplace is doing anything wrong. The issue here is the misuse of the number by this man & the OP's failure to step up & address it authoritatively.

Firstly I’ve written about this weird colleague a few time now but I’ve name changed as don’t want to be identifiable in RL.

And every.single.time you've been told to block him 🙄

What more do you want OP?

People like him seek out people like you

This is very true. It's like bullies at school. They go for easy targets.
I think the best suggestion is to block him outside of working hours, and unblock him when you are working. It really is that easy.

Change your number.

his reaction was well he needs someone to talk to and what about his feelings!

So it’s a woman’s job to make him feel better?! Knob.

I think it's best to inform HR, and then to block him. You do not need to be harassed by him. You can also suggest to HR that you are concerned about you colleague and let them follow up on it. Good luck.

Come on everyone, you can see why OP going from 60 to 0 straight away might feel like too much. This guy, weird as he is, thinks they are friends, as OP has not given him the clear boundaries. She doesn't know how to step back gracefully and thinks blocking suddenly would be dramatic and rude - and I see her point.

So you need a clearly staged process OP.

How about starting with the message about tidying up personal phone/deleting colleagues/ please do not contact me out of work hours as I'm keeping work and life a bit more separate. Send it now. He will come back saying "but I thought we were friends, wah wah wah, how about me?!"

Then you send one very bland reply. "Sorry to hear you're having trouble, I'm sure you'll manage to sort it out at work. Bye for now, see you at the office!"

Then next time he texts you need to say "T, I asked you on Saturday not to contact me on this phone. Please don't contact me out of work hours." NB that will be the FIRST time you have actually told him not to contact you at all.

Then any further contact, you can speak to HR and/or block. As you have a clear paper trail.

Quick message - ‘I’ve asked you a few times not to message me in my free time on this number as it’s for family and my closest friends. It’s how I keep work and home separate. You don’t really seem to be listening so I’m going to mute [or block] your messages so they don’t disturb me.’

Then immediately mute or block.

You will feel liberated. This is YOUR phone and you have the right to say who can have your attention in your free time.

@Whitegrapewine OP does not owe this man anything. She did not go from 60 to 0, that's victim blaming.

Stackemhigh

I don't think whitegrapewine meant to blame OP. She was making those phased suggestions as OP felt going directly to blocking wasn't ok. (Although it was).

She was trying to help OP.

@EarringsandLipstick

But OP has already said she is going to ignore his messages from now, with a view to blocking him soon. She has already told him not to keep texting her and he is stressing her out, so this is not a 60 to 0 situation, and she doesn't need to phase him out, she is ignoring him.

thanks @EarringsandLipstick that's indeed what I meant. I didn't realise OP had already said "please do not text me any more" - I thought she'd said "please do not text me so much" & felt uneasy about whether she was justified in blocking from that point onwards.

I totally agree btw she is completely justified in blocking as of now & reporting to HR but wanted to help her move towards that in a way she felt OK about.

Anyway - OP, any news?

You said he doesn’t need to contact you for work reasons, so why not just block him immediately? If he then comes to talk and you don’t want him to, tell him you’re busy. He won’t know you’ve blocked him.

@Whitegrapewine no don’t worry I totally understood what you were saying! I actually found your advice very useful.

Well today I found out the extent to which he’s been messaging others as I spoke to the girl I work with! Omg I cannot believe how many months I have wasted being upset over this idiot. She validated everything I’ve been feeling about him. She also told me how uncomfortable he’s been making her. I think he’s clung onto me as everyone else told him
Straight away to back off.

Today I completely avoided him and when he tried to talk about non work things I told him I was busy. I felt very assertive today. It’s definitely a learning point to nip things in the bud straight away and not to doubt my uncomfortable feelings about someone. People can definitely sense when you’re “too nice” as have no boundaries they will push.

So, you've finally blocked him now then?

Well done @Suzie3180. Stay strong.

Yes I’ve blocked. I think hearing from another female colleague that she did also block him gave me the courage too! I feel a little bad but I’m sure he will find someone else.

I’m also thinking of getting kind mansger to support him a bit more as I think deep down his issue is he feels no connection with anyone from work. There’s numbers he can ring as work has a program where you can talk to someone about any issues you facing. @