Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DH has bought me a gift...

319 replies

Sunshinesandice · 15/04/2021 12:58

My husband was acting a little strange around me yesterday - shrugged it off and let it go..

This morning he presented me with a gift , a pair of thigh high bondage lace up platform pole dancing boots. He gets off on the way they look and wants me to wear them in the bedroom.

I am bit speechless if I’m honest. I’m not sure how to even react.. it’s so not me at all , if anything I’m cringing so badly. But he is my husband and I understand he’s trying to make more of an effort with us in that department...

How do I let him down nicely ..

OP posts:
goldielockdown2 · 15/04/2021 15:39

Misogynistic? Quite, which is why your post was removed I assume.
Shame because aside from the horrible aspects of some of your posts, your simple point of communication being key is a good one.

BJHair · 15/04/2021 15:40

To be honest if your sex life isn’t that good before your married I doubt if it will improve when you get married
But that’s just my opinion

tolerable · 15/04/2021 15:45

have you tried them on?...id be out garden,hanging the washing -just to break them in,wouldnt wanna get blisters..

Divebar2021 · 15/04/2021 15:45

I don’t think it’s a big deal... 🤷‍♀️ Wear the boots - don’t wear the boots. I would personally wear them because he’s obviously into it and it’s hardly a hardship. This is a person you presumably love... you can do stuff for each other that does nothing for you personally but gives the other person pleasure. It’s not a crime.

Branleuse · 15/04/2021 15:46

@OldEvilOwl

Never mind the boots. Why are you marrying this man? your obviously not sexually compatible and he's having to make an effort to improve things already
Well unless theres a big backstory, most people wouldnt immediately call off a wedding because their bloke bought them some sexy boots.
JosephineBaker · 15/04/2021 15:47

Send them back, @Sunshinesandice. If they aren’t your thing - and especially if you’ve never discussed together - there’s no harm in saying so.

That he’s bought them indicates you REALLY need to talk about sexual preferences with him.

toocold54 · 15/04/2021 15:48

In this situation, why aren't this couple open enough with each other to know what they like? How can you possibly marry someone that you can't have a conversation with?

I agree.

To me the boots aren’t a big deal.
But if this is something you are against or shocked at then it is obviously a big issue for your relationship. The fact that you didn’t have a conversation with him when you opened them is also a big issue.

How long have you been together?

osbertthesyrianhamster · 15/04/2021 15:55

Generally, when you buy someone a gift, you do so with that they like in mind. For example, my daughter likes what I find to be naff-smelling candles, so I got her a hotcross bun scented one even though I think it smells like a chemical shitstorm. But she likes that and it's her room to use it on.

I bought a DVD of a film I really don't want to watch for DS. But he really likes it.

That's what a gift is. Nothing something for yourself or worse than that, someone you want another human to wear and perform like a seal in.

I once dated a man who bought my JP Gauthier Classique perfume after he saw an attractive to him woman wearing it. Didn't ask me, just acted like he was so amazing, buying me this. I hate the way it smells on me and he knew that, too. So I told him this and he because all affronted. So I dumped. It wasn't a gift for me, it was for him but to get me to use. Nah.

I just bought DH some clothes as a gift. Noticed his favourite jeans were getting tatty so I bought him a couple of pairs of the ones he likes, the brand he likes. Because it's for him.

mam0918 · 15/04/2021 15:57

I really dont see the issue to be honest.

Its a pair of shoes in private that arent really your taste but honestly whats the harm? in relationship your suppose to make a little effort occasionally like that and 'hey hunny I like the look of thigh high boots' is hardly a huge line crossing request, its not like he asked you to recreate 2 girls 1 cup.

IEat · 15/04/2021 15:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blowinahoolie · 15/04/2021 16:00

Mankini for your husband OP😂

osbertthesyrianhamster · 15/04/2021 16:00

@mam0918

I really dont see the issue to be honest.

Its a pair of shoes in private that arent really your taste but honestly whats the harm? in relationship your suppose to make a little effort occasionally like that and 'hey hunny I like the look of thigh high boots' is hardly a huge line crossing request, its not like he asked you to recreate 2 girls 1 cup.

She doesn't like them, doesn't want to dress up like a sex worker, they're trying to save money and he spunked 140 quid on some tatt she doesn't like Hmm.
MixedUpFiles · 15/04/2021 16:04

Did he actually present them as a gift or did he admit they were for him and ask you to go along? If the later and they didn’t bother you, I’d say just go with it. They are stupid, but sometimes it doesn’t hurt to do something a little silly for the person we love.

However, you wouldn’t have posted it they didn’t bother you. So you need to have a talk with him about your boundaries and what is and is not acceptable for spicing up the bedroom. DH and I were a bit older when we finally got together so we were able to have these discussions quite easily and still have them.

Admittedly, they did not flow as naturally in my early 20s.

iklboo · 15/04/2021 16:20

This morning he presented me with a gift , a pair of thigh high bondage lace up platform pole dancing boots.

Hardly 'a pair of shoes not to your liking'. It's not like he bought her a pair of neon green crocs, is it?

Derrymum123 · 15/04/2021 16:34

Buy some Doc Martens instead and see what he says when you wear them in the bedroom instead of the boots. Cost about the same but much more comfortable, useful and long lasting.

FangsForTheMemory · 15/04/2021 16:37

Tell him you can't wait to see him in them?

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 15/04/2021 16:39

This morning he presented me with a gift , a pair of thigh high bondage lace up platform pole dancing boots. He gets off on the way they look and wants me to wear them in the bedroom.

Oooh he's a real romantic isn't he?

we haven’t discussed anything about improving in the bedroom properly

Hang on a mo - the bedroom needs improving and you're not even married yet? Why marry? Tell him you're spending the wedding fund on pole dancing lessons so you can use those boots properly.

BlokeHereInPeace · 15/04/2021 16:57

I'm trying to think what my partner would do and say if I did this without any discussion when we were trying to save for something. Having given it careful thought, and considered the various alternatives, I have concluded that she would go absolutely fucking batshit mental. And she would have every right to do so. Jesus, really. Talking about fantasies and deciding jointly how that can work, great. But this is proper out of order.

VaVaGloom · 15/04/2021 16:58

Do you need help choosing him a gimp suit?

Milliepossum · 15/04/2021 16:59

I think you need to work out if he sees you as a person or just an object. If he’s into porn then I personally would walk away now, it’s not going to get better and he will show you even less respect over time.

BigFatLiar · 15/04/2021 17:05

How do I let him down nicely .

Just tell him they're not your style.

On a plus note, he obviously sees you as sexy.

JustSleepAlready · 15/04/2021 17:07

Wear the boots. You might actually like them!

fussychica · 15/04/2021 17:14

Thats not a gift for you is it? Did you laugh?
Just tell him to send them back and not to spend money on stuff like that without discussing it with you first.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 15/04/2021 17:15

@JustSleepAlready

Wear the boots. You might actually like them!
She doesn't want to! And he blew 140 quid on them, useless shite, when they're supposed to be saving Hmm

I'd have just laughed. 'Yeah, right, NO. Not my thing. £140?! They go back NOW.'

Echobelly · 15/04/2021 17:19

I think you have the right to say you don't feel right or sexy in them - I've tried out some thing with DH that I've had to say I just didn't feel sexy in or weren't right for me (I was up for trying out, if a bit sceptical) and he's been fine with me telling him it just didn't work, but you don't even have to try out if you don't want to.