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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel like it's impossible for me to work?

131 replies

Pinkwithwhite · 14/04/2021 21:53

I have 2 under two. My husband earns enough to pay the bills but there isn't enough for anything else! So any extras are now going on the credit card.

How can I financially contribute? We can't afford childcare. Grandparents can help one day a week, maybe two at a push.

I was a nanny before children but don't want to go back to 12 hour days 5 days a week.

Any advice?
What do you do?
I've had a look on a few job sites and there's nothing unless I want to be a carer working 12 hour shifts.

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 15/04/2021 08:33

I’d be telling him in no uncertain terms to step up and parent. You both have two children to support and the more debt you pile on the credit card the bigger the situation becomes. If he steps up you can work around him.

Id also be rethinking contraception as two unplanned pregnancies in two years means the current method clearly wasn’t working.

QuiltingFlower · 15/04/2021 08:34

@pinkwithwhite

Well done for asking as there are lots of folk in the same boat- or we have been there and fought our way out. Please try not to put anything further on a credit card, it can bite you on the bum...

Check out if you can claim any benefits - don’t be shy - the system is there to help you. Look here;

www.entitledto.co.uk/ and contact your local Citizens Advice - they can help by looking at benefits, your debt and giving guidance about benefits and how to maximise your income. Also info about food banks and fuel top ups/council tax discounts etc. They know all the local grants you may be able to get as well. There is loads of potential help out there, don’t be shy, check the link and ring CA.

Good Luck
X

EvilOnion · 15/04/2021 08:34

I was going to say I did evenings/weekends to fit around my DH's job then went school hours now they're older (eldest is Autistic - too old for childcare but still needs someone around) but I see that's not an option.

You need to have a serious chat with their Father, he needs to step up and be a parent.

JustFrustrated · 15/04/2021 08:36

I know I have a major dilemma in July when my au pair leaves and I've got a 9 year old and an 11 year old.

There will be thousands of people like me. Need an hour after and before school for the youngest and that's it. But no where provides that....

Worth looking into finding a family like mine?

KindleRemote · 15/04/2021 08:37

Obviously this was pre covid, but when mine were younger ( I had a two year age gap) I worked part time evenings and weekends in a call centre around DHs shifts.

It's hard and far from ideal, but it was only for three years until eldest went to school and youngest got funded hours.

Marpan · 15/04/2021 08:37

I’m looking for a nanny for only a few mornings per week.
Plenty of people don’t want a full time nanny, but want a nanny instead of a “babysitter”

Hoppinggreen · 15/04/2021 08:40

And will a family like yours be happy when she brings her 2 small children to work with her ?
Your DH is being a Dick OP, of course 2 under 2 is a struggle but so is not having enough money to live on.
And asking GP to do what their own father won’t is a bit crappy too. He needs to seriously step up, not just so you can work but they are his children and he should be able to look after them - what if you are ill or want to go somewhere?

Regeisthebest · 15/04/2021 08:45

Probably been said but babysitting and childminding could be good?

For evening & weekend babysitting - because you were a nanny people may trust you with longer shifts, you can charge a higher rate & will be in higher demand, at least where I live!

Put it out there to any friends you have with school age kids that you’d like to start - ask them to help you spread the word via the parents WhatsApp groups etc. Post in Facebook groups for local mums or join apps like Bubble. Good babysitters round me are in high demand and families often book a regular “slot”.

Otherwise childminding is a perfect choice so you can be with your children too & not have to work opposite hours to your DH

Cronyism · 15/04/2021 08:45

Start him doing a little childcare and get him to build up. You won’t be able to go and earn otherwise...

He will learn to cope. We all do.

Mumdiva99 · 15/04/2021 08:45

Before and after school childcare (with school drop off and collection). The rules on ofsted registration are a little different for short time childcare. Also it leaves your days free, and there is an option of getting fully registered and offering holiday care....plus when your little ones get older you can fill your days with younger kids.

ExConstance · 15/04/2021 08:52

I run a care service. Over the years quite a few of our staff have been people in your type of situation OP. The pay rates in homecare are better and there is no childcare to pay if you work an evening shift, full shift 4pm to 11pm but we offer 6pm to finish too. Our service helps older people t;o remain independent, so not entirely personal care. Most of our staff express great job satisfaction and as a stop gap until you are able to resume your normal employment when the children are older it might make sense.

Regeisthebest · 15/04/2021 08:55

Just seen your update! Childminding, or finding a family who you do short before & after school care for you sounds like the best bet then.

But I agree with the others who have said your DH needs to step up. Start by leaving both kids with him for 2 “easy hours” (not bedtime or across meal times) and build it up from there. Otherwise you will get burnt out & resentful fast, not to mention being prevented from working...

Jent13c · 15/04/2021 09:01

@Jessica60 good old NHS. I'm a staff nurse but I've worked in 2 wards in the past year and both crying out for healthcare support workers. Can go into that and get trained up to band 3 if your ward requires. I can't think of the last day I haven't had a text from either ward desperately needing staff to do extras.

@Pinkwithwhite I do understand you saying your husband won't cope, I was incredibly hands on with my first son and did everything and then all of a sudden went back to work at 9m and DH had to step up. It has made him an excellent father and he is now so close to our boys because they spend a full day a week together.

ImAlrightThanx · 15/04/2021 09:03

Depending on your husbands hours, could you do a night shift Friday and Saturday night? (or whenever he's off the next day!). Or weekends?
Cleaning jobs are another option where you can kind of pick hours that fit around you. Loads of people in my local hospital clean one or two days a week, or evenings only, or whatever they like really.

WeAllHaveWings · 15/04/2021 09:17

AIBU to feel like it's impossible for me to work?

If you have two children under 2, can't afford childcare and a husband that "struggles" with doing his bit with his own children, then the answer is your options are very very limited.

You can't change the first two, you can change the 3rd. Tell him to man up.

Lachimolala · 15/04/2021 09:23

Double check your entitlement to UC you might be surprised, also when my children’s were very little (also 2 under 2) I worked evenings at the local B&Q brought in around £695 a month.

I know you’ve said your husband can’t manage them alone but to be blunt he’s going to have to learn, otherwise you’ll be in shocking debt before you know it. Don’t go in to debt because of that.

AndromedaGal · 15/04/2021 10:12

Can I just query though - for all those suggesting childminding, I do agree this would be a good option. I've looked into it myself, but you do have to be Ofsted registered, and to get the registration they want you to evidence certification in Paediatric First Aid plus Early Years accreditation. You can sign up to do these courses online, but they do cost money.

So although childminding is a good option for lots of mums in these situations it does appear you need the training & registration to do it, it's not just a case of offering your services. I do know of a few childminders local to me who aren't Ofsted registered but the problem here is parents may want to pay for their childminder through their Childcare Accounts if they're eligible to receive govt. top ups for under 3's, and again they can't do this unless the childminder is Ofsted registered and recognised by the Direct Gov's online system.

NCforthisconvo · 15/04/2021 11:03

Oops and it impacted on me and working - well, not going back to work in my case.

If there’s any chance at all that your husband could cope with you doing a the evening/bedtime shift as a carer - a job my SIL has been doing for years, it may work really well for you. My SIL leaves the house after her children are in bed and is back before 10pm. She does more now because her children are older but started off doing a couple of nights a week.

NCforthisconvo · 15/04/2021 11:06

I missed off the first part of my message! My husband was really anti me doing any kind of work that involved evenings and weekends as my oldest (now diagnosed with asd and adhd) was a very hard work baby. I wish I’d pushed for him to help, despite us both being fragile, as we struggled more than maybe we should’ve.

Original poster
Pinkwithwhite · 15/04/2021 21:11

Thank you, everyone!

I totally understand when people say he needs to man up and/or get another job but he works incredibly hard and has had 2 promotions in 2years. He is working his ass off to get another.
We've basically had 2 babies in lockdown. No help, no leaving the house. He hasn't HAD to look after them at all. But no he can't do bath time, bed time, night shifts. I'm sure once life goes back to normal he will learn.
Had a look for some jobs today and going to update my cv tomorrow and apply.

OP posts:
Saltyslug · 15/04/2021 21:24

If you did agency work you could increase or decrease hours to suit family needs

Hoppinggreen · 16/04/2021 09:35

@Pinkwithwhite

Thank you, everyone!

I totally understand when people say he needs to man up and/or get another job but he works incredibly hard and has had 2 promotions in 2years. He is working his ass off to get another.
We've basically had 2 babies in lockdown. No help, no leaving the house. He hasn't HAD to look after them at all. But no he can't do bath time, bed time, night shifts. I'm sure once life goes back to normal he will learn.
Had a look for some jobs today and going to update my cv tomorrow and apply.

He can do all those things already. It’s not easy but unless he has some sort of physical/mental impairment he can. Alison Lapper did it with no arms and legs, ok only one child but still.
JSL52 · 16/04/2021 09:45

@Pinkwithwhite

Thank you, everyone!

I totally understand when people say he needs to man up and/or get another job but he works incredibly hard and has had 2 promotions in 2years. He is working his ass off to get another.
We've basically had 2 babies in lockdown. No help, no leaving the house. He hasn't HAD to look after them at all. But no he can't do bath time, bed time, night shifts. I'm sure once life goes back to normal he will learn.
Had a look for some jobs today and going to update my cv tomorrow and apply.

Sorry, but WHY can't he ? You've had to learn.
Weatherwarnings · 16/04/2021 11:56

@Pinkwithwhite

Thank you, everyone!

I totally understand when people say he needs to man up and/or get another job but he works incredibly hard and has had 2 promotions in 2years. He is working his ass off to get another.
We've basically had 2 babies in lockdown. No help, no leaving the house. He hasn't HAD to look after them at all. But no he can't do bath time, bed time, night shifts. I'm sure once life goes back to normal he will learn.
Had a look for some jobs today and going to update my cv tomorrow and apply.

This doesn’t make sense. Teach him now why later? Day 1 he watches you while you talk through what you do. Day 2 he helps day 3 he does you watch day 4 he does you sit downstairs.
Hoowhoowho · 16/04/2021 12:11

If grandparents can do one day a week, there are lots of part time nanny jobs out there. I pay £100 a day to a nanny who leaves her baby with his grandparents once a week and watches my children from 8.00-1700 so not a 12 hour day. Personally I’m happy for her to bring her baby along but I appreciate that’s more difficult with 2 under 2.

Set up a baby/toddler class either franchise or your own and pay a babysitter to participate with your children during the class or take them to the playground for a couple of hours.

Set up as a childminder and do after school and holiday care.

Work weekends if your partner is home I used to employ a weekend nanny but there’s also NHS/retail etc jobs on weekends. Could just be one day if it suits.