It’s my birthday and DH ruined it

[JM55]

I’m sitting here in a flood of tears. Hungry (because he specifically told me not to cook and proceeded to be really shitty with me). He didn’t order food.
He never makes me feel special and today is another day. I am beginning to dread special days, My whole family is abroad, I deeply miss them today and I don’t know what to do.

You can’t possibly think that staying for the kids is the smart or healthy or right thing to do?!?!

@averylongtimeago

Where are your family? Would it be possible to "go on holiday " at some point this year and just stay there? Make plans OP, this sort of behaviour won't improve and it's no way to bring up children.

This.

Be nice. Make like you have forgiven and forgotten. Hide the DC passports at a mates house. Book a holiday with the kids to your homeland and then stay there.

When they are twats but ramp it up on your special days it is a massive red flag. It suggests they have simmering resentment but on your special days they feel it tenfold and it bubbles out of them.

Get out. Go home. Be happy. I bet he won't make any effort to sort it out either. Pillocks like this CBA to do anything beyond the end of their nose.

The thing is OP you don't have to put up with this. My DP doesn't put any effort into anyones birthday but expects a special fuss to made of him. I do the minimim for him, this really hit home with him when he had a 'special' birthday as he seemed surprised that I didn't organise a big party for him. I do my own thing for my birthday, one year I went on a long weekend with some girlfriends. I always orgnise a treat for myself including food etc.

The moment you expect others to do things for you, you will be disappointed. Take control of your life. Just tell him that you would like more of a fuss on your birthday, that it is special for you. THEN tell him that you understand he doesn't feel birthdays are important and you will respect that ie. you won't be making any effort for his.

I'm sorry he is such a arse.

Can you make today or tomorrow your special day? I ask because my husband (who is lovely in many ways) is an absolute arse about birthdays too. They didn't celebrate them in his parent's families so they weren't celebrated when he was growing up and he just doesn't 'get' them and the pressure to find a great gift/card overwhelms him. When we were newlyweds this upset me a lot but I've grown to accept it. And to be fair it isn't one sided. He genuinely doesn't care about his own birthday either. He still doesn't get cards or gifts from his parents or siblings and it doesn't bother him. He has literally forgotten it's his birthday many times. D.C. and I will buy or make him cards and maybe a small gift but that's as far as it goes.

However that doesn't mean I don't get a celebration for my day. I make sure I have a treat booked or I go out with my mates. If I can't do that I buy myself flowers and lovely food and drink and enjoy a lazy evening in charge of the remote controls or in bed reading a good book.

All that being said, my DH is lovely in many other ways so I'm prepared to compromise. If he wasn't I would have LTB long ago.

I'm sorry, OP! Hope you'll treat yourself to a nice Birthday gift and re-evaluate your relationships with your partner. Is there a pattern of this ah-ish behavior?

I have a husband who is usually pretty decent but is crap with my birthday. He's very thoughtless and also refuses to celebrate things like Mother's Day or Valentine's Day because he says they are 'Hallmark holidays' and he's not buying into a cynical commercial enterprise that benefits card companies.

What I'm saying is, is your husband usually ok but sucks at things some of your friends/families' husbands excel at and do you compare yourself to them? Instagram & Facebook are not our friends when it comes to the bragging of others painting their lives as wonderful and #feeling blessed.

For birthdays I book nice treats for us and just tell him we're going. I give him a list of things I'd like and tell him to get one or I'll buy it myself (suggestion of repercussions implied). It's still not very thoughtful and it annoys me that he won't make a bit of an effort but that's just him (he once bought his mum reams of printer paper for Christmas) and I take the rough with the smooth. If it was a dealbreaker I'd be gone but it's not. I just please myself and am training my sons well.

As my grandma said, you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. Your DH is who he is and it's unlikely you'll change him. He either has enough good attributes that you can put up with his thoughtlessness and lack of effort on the birthday/celebration front or he doesn't, in which case you should move on.

Happy birthday from me

Make your birthday present this year be the realisation that you do not have to ruin your life by staying with this utter WANKER.

Start planning!

Start a thread and get help and support and advice here, for a start!

And the most important thing of all to remember re. children is - he will be ruining their childhoods, right here, right now, by being a nasty shit. Doesn't matter if he plays Happy Daddy every single day of his life in front of them, they will be feeling the atmosphere you are feeling, they will be seeing you suffer, they will see through any pretence. They will know 100% that they are not living in a happy home. Don't say in reply 'But they adore him' - nope! - if anything, children who fear and are unsure of a nasty parent respond by trying to please, trying to make themselves 'perfect' and loyal, so as not to provoke them :(

I only want to feel loved.

You know what to do, then. And you can do it with kids. Especially because you have kids.

@HappyGoPlucky my old boss used to say that about Hallmark holidays and I felt sorry for his wife so I said to him that Hallmark doesn’t benefit if he cooks his lovely wife a romantic dinner at home. I pointed out that there are lots of nice things he could do to spoil her that weren’t commercial and heaps using that as an excuse to be lazy and unromantic and everyone else agreed with me.

Every year after that he bought flowers and a card and cooked her a nice meal.

I only want to feel loved.

You know what to do, then. And you can do it with kids. Especially because you have kids.

You and your DC deserve better. They are learning that mothers/wives are worthless.
Even if you are don't want to leave right now, I'd suggest you have a backup plan - sort out your rights and squirrel away an escape fund. You might never want to actually use it, but just knowing that it is there will be a comfort.

I'd be tempted to make today your honorary birthday, make/buy yourself a cake & add some candles, order a take away for just you and the DC. Share it them and let them sing happy birthday while you blow out the candles.
You could even get the DC to wrap up a box of chocolates so they can give you a birthday present.

Obviously, you'll be doing nothing on his birthday other than making a dinner he doesn't like.😉😁

Belated birthday greetings. 🥂🍾🎂

Why can't you leave? Lots of people with kids split up.

You can't change him. You can't make him treat you right. All you can control are your own choices - to stay here, or to look for something better.

@JM55 WHY are you putting so many excuses in the way?

Leave him and find yourself again. You cannot rely on anyone else apart from yourself. Start doing things for you.

He DID make an effort, OP. He took every step possible to make your day miserable. To wrong-foot you and make you question whether your expectations are wrong.

Having children is no reason not to leave. OK, you can't do it instantly but you mention your family, can you make steps to move more conveniently to see them?

You have to do something OP because your husband is showing your children how you and their future partners are to be treated. You have to step in to model better behaviour as your husband is doing damage to all of you.

A belated happy birthday op @JM55 why not plan yourself a nice treat? Don’t cook for him tell him he can fend for himself don’t even order food for him get yourself either a nice takeaway or even book a table for you and a good mate this week? It’s shitty when spouses behave this way it hurts

Why do you think you can't leave? Plenty of single parents out there you know. In all walks of life and economic status.

You CAN leave. You just have to figure out how. You've already got the first step down, you have your own source of income.

I don’t know why I can’t leave. I think I’ll struggle with childcare as we depend on each other for pick ups and drop offs. I’m also really worried if I’ll break my kids heart and my youngest will really miss his dad.
I hate being lonely. But ironically, I’ve never felt lonelier :(

What did he eat?

I never felt lonlier than sitting next to a man who didnt care about me.

Now I stretch out on the sofa, have it all to myself, do what I want, when I want and have never been happier.

Oh and my birthdays are epic because the only person I rely on to make them good is me, and luckily I am an excellent gift giver and party organiser!

@PyongyangKipperbang

Completely agree.
Nowhere lonelier that in a relationship that isn't working.

sending you a virtual hug on your birthday.

@JM55

I don’t know why I can’t leave. I think I’ll struggle with childcare as we depend on each other for pick ups and drop offs. I’m also really worried if I’ll break my kids heart and my youngest will really miss his dad. I hate being lonely. But ironically, I’ve never felt lonelier :(

A wise person once said "It's better to be alone than to be wishing you were".

You need to research childcare in your area. DH and I both worked full time when our DC were small and we managed to find childcare that worked for our hours.

You also need to speak to a solicitor. Find out about divorce and child maintenance and timelines.

You won't break your kids hearts. What will damage them is growing up in a home where their father treats their mother like she AND she puts up with it. Children are intuitive little creatures and they pick up on vibes of unhappiness and anger. I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh but children do better in two happy homes than one unhappy one.

Educating yourself to childcare AND seeing a solicitor to find out what you can expect in a divorce is a good first step. Learning your options doesn't mean you have to actually DO anything until you are ready. It just means that when you're ready you'll have the tools you need to do the job.

"treats their mother like shit"......stupid autocorrect needs to let me program in swear words!

@JM55

I don’t know why I can’t leave. I think I’ll struggle with childcare as we depend on each other for pick ups and drop offs. I’m also really worried if I’ll break my kids heart and my youngest will really miss his dad. I hate being lonely. But ironically, I’ve never felt lonelier :(

you think your kids don't hear or see what he does to you, because you are wrong OP.

So for the sake of your kids, leave.

JM55

• I don’t know why I can’t leave. I think I’ll struggle with childcare as we depend on each other for pick ups and drop offs. I’m also really worried if I’ll break my kids heart and my youngest will really miss his dad. I hate being lonely. But ironically, I’ve never felt lonelier*

Please start a thread in Relationships. There are amazing women on there who will give you practical help and advice.

You deserve a better life.