It’s my birthday and DH ruined it

[JM55]

I’m sitting here in a flood of tears. Hungry (because he specifically told me not to cook and proceeded to be really shitty with me). He didn’t order food.
He never makes me feel special and today is another day. I am beginning to dread special days, My whole family is abroad, I deeply miss them today and I don’t know what to do.

[Mamanyt]

Go out, treat yourself, carry my very best wishes with you, and rethink this marriage. It sounds as if you are not valued as you should be. If that is true, leave. To quote the friend who got me out of a bad marriage, "Honey, you can be lonely and do bad right by yourself!"

[Twofurrycatsagain]

My ex did this which is a major part of why he's an ex. He sulked about my recently widowed mother's birthday, sulked and spoilt my birthday and was slapped arse sulky about a family christening (where the family had flown from US and I was godmother). All because these were weekend events that interfered with his sodding hobby. I realised where I fell in the order of priority and out through the door he went.

[Melroses]

Happy Birthday

[Justilou1]

I am sorry you had a shit birthday. I think you need to have a brutal look at your relationship. I think there is a reason you don't feel loved by this man, and it's not because you are not loveable or worthy of love. This man doesn't love you because he is incapable and only loves himself. I think you need to get things in order to either ask him to go or take steps to leave.

[Embracingthechaos]

Happy birthday!

Don't ever let him ruin your birthday again. You have that power.

[stoopider]

Happy birthday.

Time to walk away. His behaviour is really shitty

[DYWMB]

I'm abroad too op and it's really hard being away from a support network.

Why did he say don't eat then not organise a meal the jerk?

[mrsdaltongrant]

@JM55 is he always like this? If its an consolation my husband is a total melt. He doesn't do gestures or thoughts or anything. He would rather give me £1000 cash than buy me a £50 gift that he has thought up and chosen. I buy my own gifts, cake and sort takeaway for birthday all from his bank account.....I told him years ago not to get me any cards that just say "to you, from me" it's pointless IMHO. I do have 2 DDs and one insisted this year they get card, flowers and chocolate for mothers day otherwise I would have got precisely nothing!!

[Itsallchange]

Happy belated birthday for yesterday 💐
I totally understand how you feel and my birthday was ruined by my ex a couple of years ago which resulted in the break up of our marriage. It was the straw that broke the camels back. I wish you luck with whatever you decide. Don’t be embarrassed about seeking support in RL you will need it xx

[Mummyoflittledragon]

He couldn’t hold things together ONE FUCKING DAY

It sounds as if he’s regularly nasty and is unable to put you first. So now you know: your birthday doesn’t matter and you don’t matter. Even your basic need to eat. Are you going to continue being treated like this? I really hope not and that you are able to get out.

[Everyday21]

My dh can be a bit useless on birthdays. It's just not his thing, his family never did anything in birthdays once they got to 16. At times it upset me because I make a huge fuss on other peoples birthdays.

After a couple of years I thought fuck it I'm going to do what I want to do. Now I always plan something fun, order a takeaway and have a great time. Dh joins in if he hasnt got too much work on and while the planning of anything would stress him out we have a lovely time together and hes always nice to me. He always gets me a card, gives me his debit card for the day and gives me some good sex.

I hope you feel better this morning op. Treat yourself to something nice today and have a word with your dh about how he has made you feel

[pilates]

You sound desperately unhappy. I presume it’s not just birthdays either where he’s horrible. If so, please do something about it and make this your last unhappy birthday 💐

[HomeTheatreSystem]

I agree with PPs who've said this is because he can't stand you being the centre of attention, despite how batshit that sounds! Cooking you a lovely meal, buying some flowers and a card is just a normal loving gesture but it seems to trigger some very odd behaviour in some men.

I would be very surprised if you said that the rest of the time he's kind, lovely, generous, respectful and thoughtful.

If you choose to stay with him, I would make other plans for your future birthdays that don't involve him. I can almost guarantee he'll come out with crap like, "Oh but I had planned to take you out to dinner" or "I've booked tickets to x as a surprise". All bullshit and designed to make him look good and you feel bad and ungrateful. And I would stop bothering with his birthday too (zilch, not even a card, nothing).

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

If he doesn't show any love or care for you, then I can't see any point in staying married to him.

Do you have children?

[notanothertakeaway]

@Cagedbirdsinging

Happy birthday OP .
(Husbands can be SO disappointing)

SOME husbands are crap, but it's unhelpful to tar them all with the same brush

[KarmaNoMore]

You shouldn’t be embarrassed about discussing this with friends, that’s what you have friends for, to give you perspective, support when you need it and make you feel appreciated.

I bet that if you open up about this with them, they would also open up more with you and you would realise that every relationship has it’s up and downs and together you can help each other.

I hate birthdays, they are always a disappointment, so much that I have started wondering if I ruin them myself by expecting people to make a fuss (or the fuss they promised to do), when I should be planning a “me” time, spending the self organised day doing what I want and enjoy rather than what other people think I should do or enjoy.

[rwalker]

Different people have different exceptions around birthdays . I was brought with £5 in a card occasionally got cake .
Birthdays mean absolute nothing to me and I really struggle to understand why people make such a fuss to me it really in another day.

I'm not being a twat but don't make the effort for birthdays in our house there a none event.

[Craftycorvid]

My DH has ‘form’ for messing up on birthdays (whilst being a total child when it comes to his own). However, he’s a kind and principled person with a few flaws. You sound as though your bloke is usually a twat and you were hoping he’d make an effort to be otherwise for one day. There’s a big difference between someone who messes up on one day out of 365 and someone who messes up most days leaving you hoping just one might be different.

[GCAcademic]

The issue isn’t really your birthday. It’s that your partner is so toxic that you are at the point of desperately hoping that he can lay off being a shit for one day in the year. The problem is a 365-day a year one, by the sounds of your update. Why waste another year on this misery?

[Parkerwhereareyou]

So sorry. Happy birthday 😘💐💐💐

[MrsBobDylan]

Tell your husband that for your birthday you are treating yourself to a divorce.

[TravellingSpoon]

Please dont waste another birthday on this shit.

People only treat you how you allow them to. Make a decision that tonight will be the last time he upsets you, and the last birthday he ruins.

[harknesswitch]

Treat yourself to a belated birthday pressy, an hour with a divorce solicitor.

My exdh would do this, any day that was important to me, birthdays, promotions, Mother's Day, first day at a new job, literally any day that was special for me he'd ruin in some way

[Bananalanacake]

Was this a one off or does he often ruin things for you. Was it his idea to move you away from your family.

[oakleaffy]

@JM55
My friend turned up on my doorstep on her 40th in floods of tears as her DH hadn't even remembered or bought her a card.

They are still together, but it really upset her, and I don't blame you for being upset.