To be annoyed by awkward visitors & guests

[ali444]

I'm a single mum, work part time and don't have a lot of spare cash for luxuries or anything beyond the basics for my DC and myself. We live well but I'm very careful with money.
Dreading the end of lockdown as friends and family will be visiting more often and expecting to be fed (not a problem in itself, as long as they are happy to eat the kind of foods and ingredients I keep in the house).
I keep my food very plain and simple, no fancy ingredients or condiments etc. Don't like mayo (neither do DC so I don't even have it in the house). A friend came once and I made a simple but perfectly find cheese sandwich and she like "have you got any lettuce, cherry tomatoes and mayo to put on it".. No! Someone else asked me for "skimmed milk" (don't buy it, ever!), another one asked for "brown sugar" in their coffee (as opposed to standard white sugar), someone else has asked for "pink rock salt" once when helping me make a salad for a party... The list goes on.
AIBU to find it rude and inconsiderate to be in someone's house and, instead of just gracefully accepting what is offered, start asking for stupid, random and sometimes completely obscure things that they probably knew from the outset I was unlikely to have.
If I'm in somone's house, I never make a nuisance of myself but asking if they've got any this or that... it puts pressure on the host and I find it rude tbh. Anyone else feel the same?

Ultimately it's about having confidence in yourself and your decisions. If you're worried about appearing poor or a bad host then I guess you might think guests rude got asking for basic things to accompany an unappetising meal. If you're confident enough in your hosting and believe that what you're offering is good then this wouldn't bother you. It sounds like OP's guests will be well aware they're not particularly welcome and probably get a good dose of bitterness and contempt in place of mayonnaise.

@Neonprint

In general I think you should just accept what offered but asking for condiments or a preference in sugar isn't a stretch. Then if you don't have it you can say so.

I think if you need to watch your money closely then your family should be sensitive to this.

We don't drink dairy milk so I'll either buy a pint if I have guests or get them to bring some. I also don't have mayo it makes me feel sick looking at it but we go have it at home because unfortunately I'm the only one who feels like this.

I would eat the sandwich you're talking about but if it was just cheese I'd find it a bit grim.

Mayo makes me queasy too! I was starting to think I was the only one.

Mayo/brown sugar / skimmed milk are not in themselves luxuries but it's rude to ask your host for anything unless they ask you what you would like.

I take what I'm offered or decline, I don't make requests.

Mayo isn't "stupid" or "random"
You are overthinking this OP!
Just say "no sorry we don't eat it"
And move on.
🤷‍♀️

@Saz12

I think it’s pretty rude to ask for extra stuff that’s not been offered, unless it’s tap water! Different households have different food preferences...

Herbal tea: I’ve got dandelion or a spiced blend. So if someone said “do you have herbal tea” I’d offer those. But if they then asked for chamomile, having been offered what’s available, thats rude.

“What do you take in your coffee?” The polite answer is “milk and one sugar/ no milk and 209 sugars / milk and no sugar” or whatever, rather than a super-specific request for something “fair trade filter coffee with skimmed milk mixed 50/50 with oat milk and a teaspoon of agave syrup”. If the host had different types of sugar then itd be offered: if its not offered that means it’s take-it-or-leave-it variety.

I think this is fairly ridiculous. I have been dairy free due to DS' CMPA and would ask if there was dairy free milk alternative not including soya, if not I'll have a black coffee but given the option I do prefer a 'milky' tea. It's not rude to ask. When I have guests I don't list out the contents of my cupboards. Although I do explain we don't have dairy milk in when making a cup of tea.

I ask them if they want the moon on a stick as well.

@AmberItsACertainty

The problem with asking for this or that, and why it's so rude, is because you don't know your friends financial circumstances.

Whether they have the items in question is irrelevant. A simple request for half a cup of milk in your tea because that's how you like it, could force your host into the position of either having to have water on their cornflakes tomorrow morning or having to explain to you just how skint they are.

A kind person doesn't risk embarrassing their friends. If you're offered something to eat or drink at someone's home, either accept it as it comes and be grateful or politely decline their offer. Anything else is the height of bad manners.

Are they really a friend if you don't know that finishing off their milk would mean them going without for the next year?

There is nothing wrong with asking a simple question, if it's a friend I'm in the house of, I rather expect to be friendly enough with them for them to say no or actually it's all I've got and it needs to last x amount of time. I'd happily pop down to the shops if I was desperate/wanted to help out as it's miserable rationing a staple like milk. If I'm not that friendly with them, then I don't expect them to be hosting me.

It's really rude for a guest to ask for specific items. Guests should accept what is offered or demur gracefully. If a sandwich appears without mayonnaise they should assume there is none in the house and not embarrass the hostess by mentioning it.

Try to develop a thicker skin @ali444, or find new friends. There is nothing you can do about rude family members, sadly, but maybe you could be more direct with them when you tell them you never buy certain items and if they would like them they should bring them with when they visit.

To those who think salad items are a staple - people who don't have a lot of disposable income don't waste money on perishables like cherry tomatoes or lettuce on the offchance someone will drop by or in hopes that a child will wake up one day and decide to try them.

I used to be friends with a CF couple who would just "drop in" with their spoiled brat of a kid who would ask for "juice". I would say to her parents "Sorry but I dont cater for children. Im a single person and have no reason to buy juice."

@memberofthewedding you do know that squash isn’t just for children right? You must know that.

* Anyone in my house can ask for anything, if I have it they are welcome to it and if I don't, I just say so. Like a normal person.*

^^ I agree. OP obviously likes to get offended for no reason.

Mayo is not a weird ask. Would you find it odd if someone asked for ketchup if you served say chips.

This thread is bizarre! I can't believe the number of people who agree with the OP 😂. If someone is in my house and being made lunch or a drink, they are a friend or a relative and therefore the relationship is such that we all feel comfortable enough and like each other enough to ask for condiments etc and likewise not be embarrassed to not have it in and not think they're rude for asking.

If I'm having people round and giving them food I'll make sure I've got enough food in to give them, even if it's stuff I don't eat. Lettuce, tomato and mayo isn't obscure. So I think yabu

I'd struggle to eat a plain cheese sandwich TBH

Once a friend offered me "cheese on toast" which I love (bread toasted on one side, mayo & chutney under the cheese on the other, grilled - yum)

It was literally that. Cheese. On toast. Not even any butter & far more cheese than I'd've used. No condiments available.

I ate it though & made a mental note not to be hungry if she offered it again

The pink rock salt lady was making a salad though. I think it's fine to enquire about ingredients for a specific dish as you are making it. She's just making a salad the way she normally makes it.

I think it’s absolutely ok if a friend is making you a cheese sandwich or a cup of coffee or whatever ‘needed’ the phs to say - ‘have you got some Mayo?’

If I were the friend and you then said ‘I don’t, I actually never use it’ I wouldn’t think anything of it at all. Why is this even worrying you?

If I were the friend I would assume you would have Mayo, assume you would probably have brown sugar, and hope you might just have phs. So for two of them as the friend it would just be a humdrum request (not the phs). They’re not being demanding or unreasonable at all.

Sounds to me as though it isn’t the friends but the number of times this is happening that has got to you. Each on their own wouldn’t worry me at all.

Now if someone, the same friend, on the same occasion, asked if I had all three then I’d start to think -‘bloody hell what am I Waitrose?’

You don't sound very welcoming. Would it stretch the budget so far to just get some mayonnaise for your guests?

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

YANBU.

I don't drink tea. Single mum with small children (who also don't drink tea being 5 and 8). I don't have oodles of visitors so don't see the point of having teabags in, and because I don't drink it I'd never think to put any in my trolley.

When I do have visitors I often wonder if, when I think I'm saying "sorry I don't have any teabags in" I'm actually saying "could you please saw your left hand off so I can fry it and pop it in a sandwich, I'm famished" judging by their recoiling horrified reaction. It actually annoys me how some people can't function for more than 25 seconds without guzzling down a 'brew', lest they pass out from lack of boring hot drink. The way some people go on about tea you'd think a cuppa gave you multiple orgasms with every sip

God, this is miserable and completely joyless.

I don’t see this as any big deal. I don’t have sugar, teabags or salt in my cupboard and use skimmed milk. If someone asked for something different (which is no big deal), I just politely say ‘sorry, haven’t got any’

I have a friend who doesn’t have ketchup, so if we go round, then I take a sachet for my DS. Have another friend, who uses long life milk, so I either take some fresh milk or don’t have a brew. The thought that they were struggling with money wouldn’t cross my mind, I would just see it as a personal preference. It’s not rude to have a personal preference.

@memberofthewedding

I used to be friends with a CF couple who would just "drop in" with their spoiled brat of a kid who would ask for "juice". I would say to her parents "Sorry but I dont cater for children. Im a single person and have no reason to buy juice."

This was back in the 1970s when there were no mobile phones or even caller number recognition. I got to recognise their tactics of ringing up on summer evenings from a call box when they were on their way. I just didnt answer such calls so they assumed i was out and went elsewhere.

Can't believe they ever rang you back after the first time you gave them that pompous little speech.

On the rare occasions I'm in a McDs or supermarket cafe, I grab a couple of the sachets, so have a tub with sachets of mayo, BBQ sauce, salad cream, etc. Also very handy for picnics and camping trips.

I think it depends here if they have just dropped in and you are kindly making them a sarnie or you have invited them for lunch.
If invited I would stump up for some crisps and a few extra bits like a bit of salad maybe some cheese or ham and rolls.
If money doesn’t allow I would not be inviting for lunch maybe just a drink and a packet of biscuits.
If they are droppers in then yes it’s rude to ask for other things I’d be very grateful for a quick plain sarnie or piece of toast.
However if I’ve been invited for lunch I also take a few bits anyway to help like a sharing packet of crisps and some apples. I would be a bit put out if it was a plain cheese sarnie with nothing to put on in that situation. I hate it when people are puritanical about condiments, squash etc it just bugs me like a bottle of cheap squash will throw their whole budget out.
Don’t invite for lunch if you can’t afford it people understand you can even suggest a picnic and pool resources.

I realised after referring to it as wanky earlier that I do always have pink rock salt in the cupboard to drink as a cystitis cure so I would probably be tickled and delighted to be asked! I also eat cheese sandwiches plain with no butter, but only when not in company

I think the crux of this is the nature of the invitation. It would be quite odd in my book to invite people round for a plain cheese sandwich, or a cup of tea if a milk accompaniment would enforce cornflakes and water the next day. But if people are just turning up at mealtimes, or inviting themselves round, it’s good of OP to be feeding them at all and making extra requests in that scenario is rude. I got the impression from the OP of the latter.

I used to be friends with a CF couple who would just "drop in" with their spoiled brat of a kid who would ask for "juice". I would say to her parents "Sorry but I dont cater for children. Im a single person and have no reason to buy juice."

Why did your friends bother to come again ? "Dropping in" is rude, as is a child asking for a drink without being offered one, but in their shoes I wouldn't have come back after the first time. Surely there must have been more entertaining things to do than to visit an apparent "friend" who clearly didn't want them there. Did you live in the middle of nowhere with nothing else to do?

I have very fond memories of my parents taking us to visit their friends without children when we were little - we always seemed to be offered juice and biscuits. Usually squash or ribena. Jammy dodgers and those Fox's biscuit boxes were popular. We'd never have asked but feeding children vast quantities of juice and biscuits was what friendly adults seemed to do back then.

The funny thing is that nowadays a lot of children (mine included) don't drink juice and aren't allowed biscuits regularly. So my DC would ask for water (if anything) and wouldn't expect a biscuit because we don't often have them at home.

@eatsleepread

I used to be friends with a CF couple who would just "drop in" with their spoiled brat of a kid who would ask for "juice". I would say to her parents "Sorry but I dont cater for children. Im a single person and have no reason to buy juice."

Fuck me, a child who would dare ask for juice! Whoever heard of the like.
And yet, they were 'friends'. Hmm, sure they were ...

I do sometimes wonder how the perennially offended Mumsnetters - of which there seems to be a sizeable number - actually get through life.

I couldn't agree more. DH and I are pensioners with no grandchildren. Juice is a staple in this house. At the moment we have orange juice and pineapple juice for normal morning drinking. We also have fresh lime juice for delicious gimlets and margaritas.

In normal times I often have a pack of cartons of individual cartons of juice to offer to friend's (very pleasant and unspoilt) DC when they visit. If the kids don't drink them our adult DC will!